eoinsmith001 Reviews

Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007)

Truly abysmal...

[1/10 · 20 November 2007]

Terrible, terrible "film". Spending the weekend in Tromsø in Norway, I sheltered from the rain in the cinema, and went to see this (being the only film starting at the time). I hadn't heard of it at all, so I'm genuinely shocked at the high ratings here, and the generous praise. I saw it in English, with Norwegian subtitles... so when the Spaniards (or the Austrian) were speaking, I was in the dark, no English subs. But...

...it was awful! Completely disjointed, all over the place. Plot lines appeared and disappeared for fun, and it felt like it was going nowhere and taking the most convoluted route to get there. It didn't feel like there was any coherent plan here, it felt like they took the characters of Elizabeth, Raleigh and Walsingham and then shoehorned them into a two hour film.

It felt like a photo montage, a series of set pieces, always preparing the next big "Monumental Image". It would have been better as a collection of paintings.

The Mary Stuart character was just a hollow "evil" stereotype. The "baddie" English were... faintly pointless and forgettable. The Spaniards were all lisps and stereotyped Catholicism (the negative type). The Sea Battle was *terribly* done... what the hell was up with the horse jumping in the sea; was i supposed to care? They could have done with watching Hornblower.

Some unresolved issues:

Why, oh why, did they drape a cloth of 21st century morals over the story? It felt so entirely false and ridiculous!! Was it just me, or was there a big, big lesbian suggestion between Elizabeth and Bess??? Why did I feel that a film about Raleigh's adventures in America would have been far more interesting whenever he was on screen? I'm pretty sure I'm not a genius politician, so why was it so tremendously obvious that killing Mary Stuart would start the war? Why did they keep emphasising the "Elizabeth/Virgin Mary" thing (like at the end). Wasn't she meant to be Protestant?! And what on earth was the midget about???

A tedious, unfulfilling, disjointed, directionless mess.

Still... nice costumes.

Doctor Who: Blink (2007) Season 3, Episode 10

Utterly Brilliant

[10/10 · 27 June 2007]

Have you ever sat down to watch TV, and by a completely unexpected twist of fate, stumbled across something so utterly brilliant that it leaves you speechless? Entirely possible... but even less likely when you're watching a program you like, and think you know, and intended to watch just because its on every week. Honestly, I don't watch much TV; I know and like Doctor Who, but this episode just totally ambushed me. It really, really shows how excellent TV can be, and just how rubbish most TV is. I was on the edge of my seat by the end. Its pretty much a completely independent standalone episode, no prior knowledge or interest of Dr Who assumed. Its thrilling, relentless, ingenious, terrifying, and, once more because it deserves it, absolutely ingenious. Solid gold TV brilliance, and all the more amazing that I found it in the stale Saturday night line-up. Seek it out!

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

If nothing else, then at least you'll learn that nothing else could ever be this bad...

[1/10 · 3 January 2007]

I watched Manos last night.

Oh, I was the cocky one, intrigued by all the attention Manos receives, even though it is, after all, 40 years old. Sure, I thought, it'll be a laugh to investigate the claim that this might be the worst film ever made. Why, if its that bad, there must at least be comedy value in its awfulness? And in consolation, it is only an hour long.

No, the warnings are true and serious, this is bloody terrible.

After twenty minutes, I had stopped sniggering at the unimaginable ineptitude. I only realised that twenty minutes had passed when i flicked on the timer on the DVD; I honestly thought it was closer to forty-five.

After forty minutes I was shifting uncomfortably in my chair and I wanted to cry.

After an hour, I was submerged in despairing, pointless anger. I was angry with everyone involved in the film, angry with my cup of tea, my flat, the world, even God Himself (or Herself).

You will lose faith in humanity watching this film.

Imagine any conceivable measure for any possible aspect of film-making, and Manos still gets zero out of whatever. This "film" fails so utterly in every way, you'll wonder if anyone involved in its creation had ever seen or even heard of films or television. No, more than that, you'll wonder if they'd ever even spent a day on this planet. There isn't one single moment that you forget that these people are standing in front of a camera, ineptly executing one of the most awful scripts ever imagined.

I've never been so insulted by any form of "entertainment". I lost count of the number of times I was beaten over the head with a totally obvious point. I lost count of the number of times completely random stuff just *happened* with no genesis or consequence. I certainly didn't lose count of the number of locations used, or the number of musical cues, you could count those on one hand, after a circular saw accident. It baffled me that they never realised that you can't shoot film at night without some form of lighting. And the music itself... oh God.

I don't need to warn you about spoilers, there's plenty to complain about without resorting to inconsequential detail. Like the way that every time it cuts to the family, they're just standing, for no reason, in the same spot, waiting to talk to the camera. Like the absolutely shocking and disgraceful editing. People jump from awake to asleep and back, from one spot to another, from happy to sad, instantaneously. The awful acting... I don't know, its like everyone was given a piece of paper with some emoticons for happy, sad, scared and angry, and told to learn them off. The dialogue... well, technically it *is* dialogue, in the same way that McDonalds is food. Well, some people might enjoy McDonalds. See, I can't think of a parallel awfulness; "Manos" is to "bad" as... you can't finish that sentence.

Good Lord, I could go on, and on, and on, but I won't. This film cannot warrant anything but a 1/10 on IMDb. I haven't seen any of the other bottom 100 as of today, but i'm willing to bet that they are at least a rough approximation to what we call a "film". This is not.

Seriously, you really, really need to be in a masochistic kinda mood to see this out. I had to leave the screen timer on after 45 minutes just so I could keep reminding myself that, second by second, it *would* end. Because Hell itself might just be never-ending Manos.