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Reviews
Bridge Across Time (1985)
Night Rider Meets the Ripper!
David Hasselhoff gives an Oscar-worthy performance in this lurid tale of sexual intrigue, murder, mystery and frilly British retro.
Those curly locks, boyish grin and heavenly physique truly articulate the full spectrum of human emotion; often simultaneously!
"Night Rocker," anyone?
The scene where he's recollecting a past tragedy (Pre-Baywatch era: when there was actually someone he couldn't save); he's teary-eyed, his manly voice quivering, his Adonis-like body trembling with the weight of each individual sob... I reached for my hanky and cried along with him.
Oh, the humanity!
David Hasselhoff is truly a god among men!
The Ripper is wonderfully effeminate; a lovely throwback to the frills and frippery of London's Victorian era - the girlish accent, those delicious hand gestures... why, he even wears the most adorable ascot!
You could cut the sexual tension with a knife ... and he does!
Sadly, the film loses its thrust as these two exquisite specimens inexplicably transfer their longings to frizzy-haired, dowdy, shoulder-padded frump Stepfanie Kramer.
Go figure!
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Manos is Manless
The sad story of a philandering master and his spurned male companion...
Tall, dark and handsome Manos is the satanic version of Hugh Hefner complete with the ever-present robe and scantily-clad harem of interchangeable women of low morals... he flaunts his cheap, gullible trophy wives in the face of his lovable sidekick.
He is a cruel and unfit master; abusive! Belittling!
Why does Manos continue to court susceptible ingenues when he has a perfectly good ManSlave at home?
One cannot help but feel sympathy and a freakish attraction to the exotic yet subtle Torgo. The big knees, the stuttering voice, the floppy hat, and the utter eroticism of his manservant status...
When I found out he was actually supposed to be a SATYR (insert squeal of delight here!), I wept at the yummy thought of brushing his furry goat-like legs, polishing his hooves, trimming his beard, even flea-dipping him if necessary...
But instead, our godly goat is led like a lamb to the slaughter :(
Curse you Manos Hnds of Fate for robbing me of this fantasy!
WHY, MANOS? WHY?
Dracula 3000 (2004)
Fabulous!
This is a gorgeous tale of taboo and innuendo in the grim and mechanical world of science fiction.
Dracula is fabulously portrayed in foppish Victorian manner; I was SO glad to see this fashion endure into the next century. Very metrosexual sophisticate! Delicate, yet manly. Candy pink lip gloss will never die!
Of course, Dracula has a thing for Coolio...
WHO DOESN'T?
Someday, I too hope to have Coolio dancing and slinking at my feet, in skintight, futuristic leather... calling me "Master," and asking how he can serve me.
The naughty things he said to the vinyl-clad she-male just made me melt. (sigh...)
I recommend this for anyone who has ever fantasized about space vampires or Coolio.