michael-54725 Reviews

The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power (2022– )

What a Mess...

[3 September 2022]

As a huge Tolkien fan, I've been waiting for this series for so long. Leading up to it, I re-read, yet again, the Silmarillion. I sat down with snacks and an excitement that I've never felt for a TV series. Within 30 minutes, I found myself picking up my computer, checking email, sports scores, etc. How could they make something so epic and majestic as the Tolkien legendarium so dull, uninspired, and inane? By the end of the first two episodes, I was absolutely crestfallen. This series might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for viewers, and they butchered it.

The characterizations are poorly conceived. The Elven characters lack the grace, wisdom, and nobility that Tolkien meant for them. For example, I already see that they are setting up Gil-galad as a petty, vain, and ignorant leader. Elrond is portrayed in a manner that provides comic relief. I guess the writers felt that Tolkien didn't know what he was doing and decided to imprint soap opera personalities on the characters. The plot lines and scenarios are ridiculous. Elrond and Durin in a rock-breaking match! Time is wasted as if they couldn't think of things to write about. Really, an entire episode with Galadriel stuck on a raft? And are we THAT interested in the Harfoots? Answer: no. The little folk had no part in the Second Age, yet half the viewing time is spent on them.

I have been in a funk since viewing the episodes, being so amazingly let down. Now it is turning into anger. The creators, producers, and writers have blown it. For some reason, they think that by use of grandiose CGI scenery and dramatic score, it imparts quality on the series. No, it is all about the characters, the seriousness and focus of the plot, and the folkloric, mythical, and epical world of the Second Age. Instead, we have silly fan fiction.

Peter Jackson said he was asked for his input and help, but the show runners never followed up with him. I'm sure if he viewed this travesty, he'd want to distance himself from it as much as possible. Maybe now that the filming rights for Tolkien works have been transferred, we'll get a new TV series or set of films that can do them justice, and this series can be forgotten as non-canonical trash.

The Ugly Dachshund (1966)

Truly a terrible movie - one of Disney's worst

[13 July 2021]

I'm a fan of Disney films and have a soft spot for its live action films. I'm always sadly disappointed that wonderful Disney films like the Gnome-Mobile, Candleshoe, Freaky Friday, the North Avenue Irregulars, etc. Do not get more love (and higher ratings). They are always entertaining, even if silly. However, this movie is shockingly insipid.

The sole purpose of this movie is to show dogs running around, making noise, creating havoc, and destroying scenery. It seems to be made to entertain a 4-year-old child. "Look, mommy, the doggies are getting paint everywhere!" "Aww, look at how cute the doggies are." I suppose that there are some dog lovers who like this movie, but I really can't imagine how anyone older than a small child could sit through this puerile nonsense.

On top of this, the filmmakers tried to add a "plot" about the lives of the dogs' owners. But it is so trivial and stupid that it only serves the double purpose of boring both the toddlers who like the dogs and anyone else who is looking for a single thing more substantial and interesting. The big finale and climax to the movie is entering the Dane into a dog show. Wow.

Unless you have a toddler or you're so in love with dogs that you simply want to look at them and not worry about anything beyond this (but in that case, just turn off the volume), avoid this film at all costs. You'll save 90 minutes of your life.

Twin Peaks: Part 6 (2017) Season 1, Episode 6

Insultingly stupid and offensive

[11 June 2017]

This show has no hope of being redeemed. David Lynch, please retire. You are devoid of ideas. Your characters are insipid. You try to make them intense, crazy, weird, and quirky, but they come off that way only if you have a mind of a middle-schooler. That whole scene between the drug dealers was laughably bad. Whoever was playing the older of the two is just a bad actor overplaying the part. "Look at me. I'm so crazy. I do karate moves for no apparent reason. That's how edgy I am." Nice directing there, Lynch. Oh, and that coin flip thing was so spooky and weird. No, not really. I'm sure Lynch fanboys will love the brutal scene of the woman being stabbed. Yes, nothing like gory graphic violence to help the show garner praise for being mature and intense.

For the 3rd or 4th episode in a row, we get the Dougie show. Yay! There's nothing more interesting than dragged-out nothingness. He has gone from being confused like a stroke victim to now just acting mentally retarded. "Kyle, let's do another 10 minute scene where someone talks to you and you just repeat the last three words they say. The audience will love it."

But what is unforgivable is the obscenely graphic way you depict the child's death. Hitchcock learned in 1936 that showing the killing of a child is taboo. It is something that is terrible and should not be shown for entertainment. Not only do you show it, but you show it in the most violent way. It was repulsive. But I know you wanted to show it to prove how edgy, intense, and mature your works are. Your fan boys probably enjoyed it. "That was so f'in cool the way he showed the kid being run over. It was awesome, dude."

Twin Peaks: Part 5 (2017) Season 1, Episode 5

This makes "2 Broke Girls" look like High Art

[11 June 2017]

When I came to IMDb following Episode 5, I was expecting an average score below 5 (which is too high). Instead, I see 9.8. Are you kidding me? This has got to be one of the worst things I've ever watched. This from a fan of Lynch and weird movies. How can anyone say this wasn't garbage, let alone a 10? Everything from beginning to end was ridiculously bad. If 10-15 minutes of stroke- ridden Dougie in Episode 4 wasn't enough "fun entertainment," we get another helping of it. OK, we get it Lynch. Dougie shuffles here and there, staring blankly at everyone, repeating the last word or phrase uttered by anyone who talks to him. Hilarious. (And no one thinks of taking him to the hospital?) Twenty-five minutes into the episode and nothing has happened. Just more stupidity that Lynch thinks is funny. What else do we get? An utterly unfunny, stupid scene between Truman and his wife that drags on; an even less funny and less interesting scene with Dr. Jacoby; Jim Belushi; and another exploitative scene (that Lynch seems to be obsessed with) of a good girl being attracted to a bad boy, who assaults her and threatens rape. I guess that's what Lynch thinks turns on all girls. Always keeping it classy, Lynch! The fact that there are people out there who gave this a good rating depresses me. Are there that many stupid people out there with no sense of taste?

Twin Peaks (2017)

Worse show than you feared

[4 June 2017]

Like many of you, while I excitedly anticipated the return of Twin Peaks, I also nervously feared that the new series would be a letdown. Little did I know how bad it would be. Yes, I'm still watching it, but with the same perverse compulsion that draws one to look at a car crash despite knowing you're not going to like what you see. Or perhaps there is still some hope that it certainly can't be this bad and MUST improve.

I didn't have a lot of confidence because I believe Lynch has lost the plot (in more ways than one) years ago. I think he can no longer write a coherent narrative. Self-absorbed in his own illusions of artistic grandeur, his product celebrates quirky style over substance. That isn't a problem if the style merits a viewer's attention. However, what Lynch sees as funny, interesting, or clever is so out of touch and behind times that it is painful to watch. Can the scenes involving the beloved characters at the Twin Peaks Sheriff's Office be any more pathetic? I feel sorry for the actors. When they looked at the script, didn't they think "WTF?!" Every scene with Andy, Lucy, and Hawk has me puzzled and cringing. Does Lynch think what he is filming is funny? It is a sad indictment that the best character scene so far has come from Michael Cera's quirky take as Wally Brando: the only time I cracked a smile in 5 episodes. Other than that, the characters are schizophrenic dull, lifeless cardboard cutouts. Their interactions and spoken lines are so bizarrely stupid that I'm starting to wonder if it will be revealed that they are actually stuck in some alternate reality universe around the corner from the Red Lodge where everything said and done has no meaning.

What is most revolting is how Lynch is purposely trying to push our buttons by dragging the story out with ludicrous pacing. I can see the talks in the Showtime offices now. Lynch: "I have a good plot that should take me 6 episodes to tell." Studio Chief: "But we'd like to have 18 episodes. Can you expand on the story?" Lynch: "No, but I can drag my story out for 18 episodes." Come one! Five minutes watching Dr. Jacoby spray painting shovels? Then five minutes watching Dougie play slot machines? Then spending about twenty minutes in episodes 4 and 5 with those sidesplittingly funny (sarcasm) scenes of Dougie-as-stroke-victim shuffling about and looking blankly at other people, parroting their last words. I was seriously about to scream in agony by the time Dougie got in the board room in episode 5. Twenty minutes into the episode and nothing has happened. Lynch apologists will claim "Oh, what a genius! It is so artistic to take ten minutes to do something that could be done in one." No.

In addition to the pacing, the story is quickly turning into a mess, with plot lines that have been forgotten, abandoned, or simply not tied into the bigger plot. I knew before the series started that this was a likely outcome. I'm sure Lynch is surrounded by hangers-on and yes-men who would never tell him what he's doing isn't good (like Lucas for Star Wars Eps 1-3). For this series to have worked, there needed to be a strong personality who could take Lynch's delightfully idiosyncratic ideas and mold them into a story that can be followed. Though I'm crossing my fingers, I'm not expecting any revelations that will make sense of the myriad of scenes we've seen and the "clues" that have been uttered. Yes, I'll be happy if Lynch does pull it all together; however, some damage has already been done because of lack of care in editing the story.

I give it a 3 now, although that may be colored by my recent viewing of episode 5, truly one steaming pile of garbage. If it improves, I'll be happy to edit my review and bump up the score. There IS some good stuff in here. There are some nice scenes (all too few between) where some characters are finally given some heart and depth. Also, Lynch seems freer to integrate his unique visual and audio conceptions. Those of you who've seen his short films know he is capable of some truly intriguing images that are haunting, thought-provoking, and, yes, stylistic. I think the scene in that metal box in space is Lynchian art film at its best. It presents a glimpse into a space-time that seems eerily familiar and tantalizingly close to being knowable, yet removed from our concept of reality. It is unnerving and challenging. The room with the big glass box is also a cool invention. That said, to be truly a good show, Lynch has to do more than have standalone scenes that look cool. He has to give them some meaning instead of piling the abstruse on the arcane on the cryptic on the impenetrable. Sooner or later, we need to know what the hell's going on. Don't tantalize us by giving us hints and clues if they really lead nowhere.

As negative as I sound, I'm a Lynch fan from way back and want this series to be great. Twenty-five years in the making, I simply expected a lot more from him.