I watched the whole thing hoping it would eventually make sense - it never did. It was really a missed opportunity as there were several ideas that would have been interesting to explore: who are these people, do the scars work, what happened to the humans? Instead we get leather-clad dad-bods fighting with sticks and stones. The story made no sense. I didn't know who anyone was or what they wanted until after it was over and I read a summary here on IMDB. Disappointing.
Reviews
18 Reviews
Meteorite
(2020)
Don't waste your time
28 April 2021
Warning: Spoilers
This is an awful mess of an attempt to make a movie with no money and even less plot. The summary makes it sound like there is a direct correlation between finding a meteor and getting a virus, but this just isn't accurate.
The film starts with a group of people searching for a recently fallen meteorite. By the time the opening credits ended I was ready for all of them to meet a horrifying death, sooner rather than later. These characters are extremely annoying. They come across a shack, (for some reason they call it a village), and weird old man living there. Some people get a rash and one guy goes a little crazy, the end.
Literally nothing happens in this movie involving a meteorite.
The film starts with a group of people searching for a recently fallen meteorite. By the time the opening credits ended I was ready for all of them to meet a horrifying death, sooner rather than later. These characters are extremely annoying. They come across a shack, (for some reason they call it a village), and weird old man living there. Some people get a rash and one guy goes a little crazy, the end.
Literally nothing happens in this movie involving a meteorite.
Out of Time
(V) (2021)
Surprisingly Good
26 April 2021
This is a very low budget film, especially the first ten minutes or so. As such I was prepared to nap my way through it but surprisingly it really picks up about twenty minutes in. From then on it's a perfectly good little movie that I quite enjoyed. There's no reason for the negative reviews. If anything it's a bit above average for its budget and genre.
The Tangle
(2019)
Same old same old
9 April 2021
Warning: Spoilers
If you've ever seen a film in which the main character is also the writer, director, producer, etc., you've probably seen this one. If you've ever seen a film by such a person that has a handful of characters with an extremely inflated sense of self-importance in one location, doing nothing but talking the entire time, then you have definitely seen this one.
I wanted to like this. The backstory (spoilers ahead) could've made an awesome movie: a group of friends/co-workers create an artificial intelligence that releases nanobots on the public, infecting everyone with the ability to be constantly connected to everyone else. The bots also control the physical body when needed in order to prevent harm, such as avoiding accidents and including being unable to commit violence against other people. We're told this group are the only remaining people not infected or connected to the AI.
I would love to have seen that story. Instead we get a convoluted, confusing mess of flashbacks and unreliable narrators focusing primarily on a love triangle related murder.
We're never told enough about this people to particularly care about them. We're told they are the ones that authorized the infection but not who they are to have had that power in the first place. Why did these people think it was okay to allow AI to take over the world? We're never told. Why are they trying to stop her now is equally a mystery. Instead of explanations we get a guy randomly spouting poetry and a woman with major anger issues.
It's obvious the film maker had something to say, unfortunately whatever it may have been is indecipherable.
I wanted to like this. The backstory (spoilers ahead) could've made an awesome movie: a group of friends/co-workers create an artificial intelligence that releases nanobots on the public, infecting everyone with the ability to be constantly connected to everyone else. The bots also control the physical body when needed in order to prevent harm, such as avoiding accidents and including being unable to commit violence against other people. We're told this group are the only remaining people not infected or connected to the AI.
I would love to have seen that story. Instead we get a convoluted, confusing mess of flashbacks and unreliable narrators focusing primarily on a love triangle related murder.
We're never told enough about this people to particularly care about them. We're told they are the ones that authorized the infection but not who they are to have had that power in the first place. Why did these people think it was okay to allow AI to take over the world? We're never told. Why are they trying to stop her now is equally a mystery. Instead of explanations we get a guy randomly spouting poetry and a woman with major anger issues.
It's obvious the film maker had something to say, unfortunately whatever it may have been is indecipherable.
Contactee
(2021)
Utter Dreck
29 March 2021
I challenge anyone giving this film anything higher than an five to explain it. You can't, and neither could the filmmakers. So instead they distort a few still images, run them altogether at high speed for two seconds and declare themselves profound. Seriously there is no plot. Nothing makes sense. There is no "twist", just a jumbled mess of over-reliance on overdone tropes. The 'pervy therapist taking advantage of his beautiful patient' shtick has been done to death and it never stops being offensive.
H0us3
(2018)
Quite Terrible (Dubbed version)
6 January 2021
I saw the dubbed version so I don't know if that is why I feel as though I watched an entirely different film than other reviewers or what, but I can't give it more than two stars. It was just awful.
The set-up, and the acting, reminded me of The Man from Earth, in that it's a group of friends sitting around hysterically over-reacting to information provided by the host. The women cry incessantly while the men haughtily insist the authorities should be summoned. There's a speech about AI in there somewhere but it doesn't really make any sense.
It takes 42 minutes of absolutely nothing remotely interesting happening just to get to the actual plot.
The set-up, and the acting, reminded me of The Man from Earth, in that it's a group of friends sitting around hysterically over-reacting to information provided by the host. The women cry incessantly while the men haughtily insist the authorities should be summoned. There's a speech about AI in there somewhere but it doesn't really make any sense.
It takes 42 minutes of absolutely nothing remotely interesting happening just to get to the actual plot.
Time Loop
(2019)
Maybe Something Got Lost in Translation
30 December 2020
Because this made absolutely no sense and I actually watched the entire thing. It's not a case of being hard to follow as it's actually easy to follow, (they even make a diagram for you), but it seems as though several important scenes were left on the cutting room floor. Plot points are introduced as though the viewer is already aware of them despite us never seeing them. And some of the lines are literally nonsense such as "time acquitted the universe", and a long diatribe about future intentions causing past events. The actor playing the father either doesn't really know how to speak English or he kept forgetting his lines, maybe both. I still don't understand exactly what the point was supposed to be.
Infestation
(2020)
Terrible Acting and No Plot Resolution
18 December 2020
Warning: Spoilers
So reading other reviews and the summary, I guess there's supposed to be another part to this? But that's not at all implied in the film I saw.
I'm all for independent, low budget movies and this one had an interesting premise but unfortunately it did not deliver. I can handle bad acting if there's a good plot, and crappy plots if there's decent acting. This was bad on both counts.
For the plot, there's never any real explanation as to what is going on but basically it's just Invasion of the Body Snatchers but at a radio station instead of a military base.
The acting though is what made it nearly unwatchable. They seem to subscribe to the school of thought that the only way to show fear is to hyperventilate. Seriously, the last twenty minutes or so are nothing but the main character wandering around breathing like she just hiked Mt. Everest.
The music did not fit the tone of the film, to the point of being distracting. All of this combined to leave me feeling physically aggravated while watching it. Not how I want a movie to make me feel.
I'm all for independent, low budget movies and this one had an interesting premise but unfortunately it did not deliver. I can handle bad acting if there's a good plot, and crappy plots if there's decent acting. This was bad on both counts.
For the plot, there's never any real explanation as to what is going on but basically it's just Invasion of the Body Snatchers but at a radio station instead of a military base.
The acting though is what made it nearly unwatchable. They seem to subscribe to the school of thought that the only way to show fear is to hyperventilate. Seriously, the last twenty minutes or so are nothing but the main character wandering around breathing like she just hiked Mt. Everest.
The music did not fit the tone of the film, to the point of being distracting. All of this combined to leave me feeling physically aggravated while watching it. Not how I want a movie to make me feel.
The Tent
(I) (2020)
It's Really Bad
26 October 2020
There is no way actual people are genuinely rating this 10 stars. I watch bad movies on daily basis and this was pretty bad, even for me.
I watched it to the end because I wanted to see where the story went. No where worth my time is the answer. There a appeared to be a competition between the acting and dialogue as to which could be worse, with the camera crew and sound guy participating occasionally. It was extremely disjointed with the last twenty minutes seemingly a completely different film.
I watched it to the end because I wanted to see where the story went. No where worth my time is the answer. There a appeared to be a competition between the acting and dialogue as to which could be worse, with the camera crew and sound guy participating occasionally. It was extremely disjointed with the last twenty minutes seemingly a completely different film.
Escape 2120
(2020)
Truly Awful
13 October 2020
Apparently this was based on a book that was probably a pretty decent story but unfortunately it was not transferred to the screen. The acting is horrendous. It is so bad at points it completely takes one out of the story. Given the gaping plot holes and things that are simply never explained I can only assume entire chapters must have been skipped. As it is, it makes no sense at all. Sad to see someone else's creative vision reduced to a bad high school play.
Clear as Mud
26 September 2020
It had potential and the lead actor was pretty decent but in the end I still don't know what happened. There's a scene where I think a bad guy may have been trying to explain it but it was really short and he mumbled so who knows. Without a clear plot it's just a bunch of people running around shooting things.
Impact Event
(2018)
The Epitome of a One Star Film
12 August 2020
I adore low budget sci-fi and apocalypse flicks are my favorite. I'll put up with a lot of flaws for even a half decent story, so unfortunately when I say this is one star, it really is.
Everything about it is just awful. I mean everything: the script, the acting, the lighting, the sound, the editing, it's all a lesson in how not to make movies.
For example instead of showing us the meteor, they show us a phone that is displaying a news program that is showing a clip of the meteor, but lest we still be able to make out what's going on, they then create static over all of the displays to ensure we can't see anything.
Everything about it is just awful. I mean everything: the script, the acting, the lighting, the sound, the editing, it's all a lesson in how not to make movies.
For example instead of showing us the meteor, they show us a phone that is displaying a news program that is showing a clip of the meteor, but lest we still be able to make out what's going on, they then create static over all of the displays to ensure we can't see anything.
Burst Theory
(2015)
WTF Did I Just Watch?
20 May 2020
I watch a lot of bad movies. Just look at my ratings list for proof. So I'm used to dark sets, mumbled dialogue and repetitive music, but I can usually follow the story. I have no clue what this was about, other than the summary. I don't know who were supposed to be the good guys and who were the bad. Maybe they were all bad?
Age of Ice
(2014 Video)
Explaining The Asylum- Handy Checklist Included
20 February 2015
Before getting into the actual review, the numerous reviewers repeatedly subjected to "The WORST film ever!"' against their will, much like Mike & the gang of MST3K might benefit greatly from this simple flowchart, presented in list form:
1. Does the film's title imply or define an epic natural disaster of some sort?
2. Do the words "The Asylum" appear anywhere? (Hint, they are usually the first words of the opening credit sequence.)
3. Have you ever watched a film by The Asylum? If No, proceed to item 5.
4. If yes, did you enjoy the film? If No, proceed to item 6.
5. If you are on this step, Welcome to The Asylum. Get some buddies together, preferably with booze, & be prepared to create drinking games as the so-called plot unveils. After viewing, return to item 4.
6. If you are here, you have seen at least one film by The Asylum which you did not enjoy. You do not need to ever view another such film as you most certainly will not enjoy it either. Though the films do differ and can be reviewed in relation to one another, they cannot be reviewed outside of the universe in which they exist, AKA The Asylum Films brand.
That helpful tidbit provided, as a card-carrying member of The Asylum Fan Club, we now proceed to the review of this film, as it relates to other Asylum productions. I only rated this a six as it was indeed missing a few critical elements from the standard The Asylum brand recipe. Most notable is the lack of an actor known only for his or work on a SyFy Channel TV show. Also left out was the required presence of the disgraced scientist whose mission in life has been to warn the Powers That Be (TPTB) of the impending disaster. Without said scientist, we are also missing the ex- spouse, (the divorce being caused in part by the scientists discredit), who works for or with TPTB and has the ability to persuade such, if only he/she listened to scientist in the first place. There are often bonus points for extras such as the child with a life threatening illness which only activates during seismic events, family pets which try to warn of such events and the sullen teenager whose rebellious actions puts everyone else's lives in peril. Missing all of these characters truly does cause this film to be rather flat or one dimensional. On the plus side however, we are still treated to some great lines and disaster sequences.
In summary, it's not the best of The Asylum, but it is by no means "the worst film ever made". Some reviewers commented as to if there is some inside joke to the existence of this film, to which the answer is a resounding yes. The Asylum is the joke, and it's a really great one I encourage all to experience & enjoy..
1. Does the film's title imply or define an epic natural disaster of some sort?
2. Do the words "The Asylum" appear anywhere? (Hint, they are usually the first words of the opening credit sequence.)
3. Have you ever watched a film by The Asylum? If No, proceed to item 5.
4. If yes, did you enjoy the film? If No, proceed to item 6.
5. If you are on this step, Welcome to The Asylum. Get some buddies together, preferably with booze, & be prepared to create drinking games as the so-called plot unveils. After viewing, return to item 4.
6. If you are here, you have seen at least one film by The Asylum which you did not enjoy. You do not need to ever view another such film as you most certainly will not enjoy it either. Though the films do differ and can be reviewed in relation to one another, they cannot be reviewed outside of the universe in which they exist, AKA The Asylum Films brand.
That helpful tidbit provided, as a card-carrying member of The Asylum Fan Club, we now proceed to the review of this film, as it relates to other Asylum productions. I only rated this a six as it was indeed missing a few critical elements from the standard The Asylum brand recipe. Most notable is the lack of an actor known only for his or work on a SyFy Channel TV show. Also left out was the required presence of the disgraced scientist whose mission in life has been to warn the Powers That Be (TPTB) of the impending disaster. Without said scientist, we are also missing the ex- spouse, (the divorce being caused in part by the scientists discredit), who works for or with TPTB and has the ability to persuade such, if only he/she listened to scientist in the first place. There are often bonus points for extras such as the child with a life threatening illness which only activates during seismic events, family pets which try to warn of such events and the sullen teenager whose rebellious actions puts everyone else's lives in peril. Missing all of these characters truly does cause this film to be rather flat or one dimensional. On the plus side however, we are still treated to some great lines and disaster sequences.
In summary, it's not the best of The Asylum, but it is by no means "the worst film ever made". Some reviewers commented as to if there is some inside joke to the existence of this film, to which the answer is a resounding yes. The Asylum is the joke, and it's a really great one I encourage all to experience & enjoy..
Enlisted
(2014)
A Sit-Com for People Who Hate Sit-Coms
5 February 2014
I generally detest sit-coms, even supposedly brilliant ones. I don't even what possessed me to even watch the pilot ep but I'm glad I did as I watched the next three eps back-to-back, laughing out loud at the numerous quick-witted throw-away comments that never come across as contrived. There are large, obvious, in-your-face gags that I don't find particularly amusing but for the most part they work to progress the plot line. The best way I can describe it in terms of humor is to compare it to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, which it has nothing whatsoever to do with in terms of plot, but the rhythm is similar: If you like the glaring attempts at humor at the "special reports" then you will find that aspect in Enlisted. As for me, those skits run a bit too long so I welcome the brevity of that style in Enlisted, since I prefer the sarcastic one- liners that whiz by so fast you can easily miss them. The best part, aside from some great talent, is the lack of laugh track.
500 MPH Storm
(2013)
People: It's from The Asylum; It's meant to be awful!
23 August 2013
Warning: Spoilers
So excited when I stumbled upon this new release from The Asylum on Netflix. (If Netflix so called "recommended" algorithm actually worked, I would've known about it the minute it hit the Net, but that's another review.)
If you're not a die-hard doomsday fan, and thus unfamiliar with The Asylum, you will hate this movie. Contrary to other reviewer statements, this film does not remotely take itself seriously. It has no greater ambitions than to fulfill contract obligations with SyFy Channel actors and do so in a manner that costs as little as possible.
It's simply the latest in a long line of "let's end the world on the smallest budget possible" films that are greatly beloved by by fans of the genre.
*Possible Spoiler* When little Johnny, played by a full grown adult, complains to mom that "People just exploded" and she replies, "Just be quiet and play your game", you know we've got a winner!
The new addition of narration that apparently comes from a parallel world given its ability to cross the space-time continuum is a bonus. (Random Character: "Oh, look it's going to rain". Random Newsperson: "As storms continue to rage, killing a bazillion people...")
In a film where a car is literally the main vehicle for plot advancement, and also happens to be the most lovable character, (" I can drive straight through an F-6 & not get a drop of rain on me", you really just gotta let go of your preconceived notions of plot development, or continuity 'cause The Asylum sure as a heck did.
If you're not a die-hard doomsday fan, and thus unfamiliar with The Asylum, you will hate this movie. Contrary to other reviewer statements, this film does not remotely take itself seriously. It has no greater ambitions than to fulfill contract obligations with SyFy Channel actors and do so in a manner that costs as little as possible.
It's simply the latest in a long line of "let's end the world on the smallest budget possible" films that are greatly beloved by by fans of the genre.
*Possible Spoiler* When little Johnny, played by a full grown adult, complains to mom that "People just exploded" and she replies, "Just be quiet and play your game", you know we've got a winner!
The new addition of narration that apparently comes from a parallel world given its ability to cross the space-time continuum is a bonus. (Random Character: "Oh, look it's going to rain". Random Newsperson: "As storms continue to rage, killing a bazillion people...")
In a film where a car is literally the main vehicle for plot advancement, and also happens to be the most lovable character, (" I can drive straight through an F-6 & not get a drop of rain on me", you really just gotta let go of your preconceived notions of plot development, or continuity 'cause The Asylum sure as a heck did.
Savannah Smiles
(1982)
Pat Morita Reflections
25 November 2005
I had totally forgotten about this film and that Pat Morita was in it until I read his Obit today.
Like the commentator before me I have to say that this truly is an excellent film.
I saw it in the theaters as a child, then later as an adult on TV.
I was just as captivated, just as moved and laughed just as loud as I did when I was 9 years old.
It is a timeless film that has gone relatively unnoticed by the critics and the masses.
If you haven't seen it, check your local video store or library and get this film today!
Like the commentator before me I have to say that this truly is an excellent film.
I saw it in the theaters as a child, then later as an adult on TV.
I was just as captivated, just as moved and laughed just as loud as I did when I was 9 years old.
It is a timeless film that has gone relatively unnoticed by the critics and the masses.
If you haven't seen it, check your local video store or library and get this film today!
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