longview-77631 Reviews

Wrongfully Accused (1998)

Wrongfully Underrated

[10/10 · 23 September 2020]

It's definitely just because I'm a child of the 90's, but "Wrongfully Accused" is my favorite Leslie Nielsen movie. It's a firehose of 90's references and slapstick absurdity wielded by a master comic actor. Braveheart, Baywatch, Lamb Chop, Mission Impossible... and the single perfect scene, when Leslie mutes the TV with existential consequences too horrible to contemplate. In the end, this is a faithful parody of "The Fugitive" that skewers an entire decade while it's at it and lands all of its gags. 10/10 and perhaps infinitely rewatchable.

Human Zoo (2020)

I wasted my time. You don't have to.

[2/10 · 8 June 2020]

Human Zoo has a solid setup and it's fun in an intense, claustrophobic, voyeuristic way for the first half hour. But- and here come the spoilers- after we learn what we learn about 45 minutes in, nothing else happens. Not a thing. The second half of this movie is among the most boring and pointless things I've ever sat through. It wouldn't have been difficult to throw in a twist, or some information, or anything interesting. I'd probably post a review defending it if they did, because I like a good claustrophobic horror premise and I really wanted to like this one. But its lack of imagination or an understanding of why people watch movies like this dooms it to failure.

House Shark (2017)

The height of bad shark filmmaking

[10/10 · 28 May 2020]

They had me when the toilet shark that eats the babysitter just decides it's time to move into the house for no reason. They pulled me in when they had to find a house shark expert because Darth Squanto was not up to the task. They won me over for good when the house started to flood. This is bad filmmaking of the imaginative and funny kind and I'm all for it. 10/10.

Halloweed (2016)

We did it, everyone. We found the bottom of the barrel.

[1/10 · 28 January 2020]

I've taken a full day to absorb the experience of watching "Halloweed", a horror comedy from 2016 starring Shannon Brown and Simon Rex. I think I'm ready to talk about it, and why it might be the worst thing ever.

As much as the flick has a story, here it is. Brown plays the son of a recently executed serial killer. Rex plays his self-hating closet gay stoner half brother. They decide to move to a small town with a history of murder mysteries so they can... I don't know. Escape the family notoriety? It's not clear. Anyway, killings start as soon as they arrive, so Brown tries to solve the mystery while Rex sells weed with Jason Mewes. There's a hot chick and a smug rich guy too, because of course there is.

Now let's talk about the acting. Brown is completely forgettable, which isn't the worst thing by "Halloweed"'s standards. Rex arrives packing the complete set of 1992's best gay jokes and way too much energy for a stoner role, and he never deviates from either. Michelle Mueller looks the part of the hottie, and her character's reason for existing is to wear something low cut and say "Really?" to the male characters while rolling her eyes and being irritable. I'm not sure she even had to act. The basic competence of Ray Wise, Tom Sizemore, and even Mewes is jarring by comparison to the rest of the cast.

Poor direction, cinematography, sound, and editing also take some blame in this disaster. There are pointless scenes that either go nowhere or introduce threads that aren't referenced again. The one truly hilarious scene in the movie is not intentionally funny: it's when they accidentally show half the face of the heretofore masked killer. A bunch of people- director, editor, producer- watched that cut of that scene and left it in. Absolutely incredible. It's not even toward the end.

At this point with a real train wreck, I like to see if it makes an effort to become bad in a truly unique way. Something memorable. Otherwise, why waste the words on it? Luckily for us, "Halloweed" has us covered with a pair of "Dude, no" scenes. First, a character has a room in his house that's clearly dedicated to sex crimes, and after a couple jokes about it, Brown and Rex shrug and go on living with the guy. Then, at the end, the dying character's main regret is that the hot chick wasn't hot enough to turn his gay son straight. The son agrees that that is the case and it's a bummer. The most offensive thing about "Halloweed" isn't the homophobia, the line-crossing, the fratboyism. You can do all that and still make a great comedy. The most offensive thing about "Halloweed" is that it was packed with all those traits without even trying to be clever or outrageous enough to make them funny. So, for right now, on 1/28/20, I'm calling this the worst movie I've ever seen.

Hitchhiker Massacre (2017)

Hellacious, degenerate, kind of amazing

[8/10 · 26 January 2020]

Kidnapping, imprisonment, and unnecessary surgery? Check. Sexy cast that gets a chance to be hot in the non-disgusting scenes? Check. A villain whose depravity keeps going further every time he's on camera? Check. Some twists that up the ante for no reason other than shock value? Check. Some laugh-out-loud moments? Check.

I can't believe I'm going to be the first good review for this one. Not everyone should watch Hitchhiker Massacre, but if you're into the genre, you could- and probably have- done a lot worse. Lord knows I have.

Jay and Silent Bob Reboot (2019)

I guess it's fine.

[6/10 · 14 January 2020]

I'm the target audience for this movie. Mallrats was my exclusive jam in 1996, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back ushered me into stonerhood in 2001, and I've seen at least five movies worse than Chasing Amy.

This one makes "What's a reboot and what's a remake?" the central question, the same way Clerks 2 made "How do we deal with not being young losers anymore?" the central question. I had sympathy for Dante and Randall in Clerks 2, because getting old sucks. But whether it's a reboot, a remake, or a rehash, this one feels like a money grab laced with enough callbacks and references (roughly 100% of the movie) to satisfy anyone who still knows who does the song "Social". Mission accomplished, I guess, cause map map map mawowowowow. But I'm fine if this is the last one.

The Houses October Built (2014)

Good if you like found footage

[8/10 · 9 January 2020]

This is a slow burn, found footage horror. It's about a bunch of horror freaks (and the girl along for the ride) road tripping in an RV and looking for the best haunted house. There's some gratuitous scenes, the haunted house immersion expands as the movie progresses, and the ending is brutal yet original- which is pretty tough for the genre. I liked it.

Atelophobia (2015)

Why I gave Atelophobia a 1/10

[1/10 · 19 December 2019]

There's a lot wrong with Atelophobia, but to illustrate my main gripe, here's a conversation I imagine happened on set. Probably a few times.

Stage hand: How are they supposed to pick out their torture fortunes? You said they were tied up.

Director: Yeah but not their hands.

SH: ...They're tied up, but their hands are free?

D: Yeah. You know what, screw it, don't tie up their feet either.

SH: So just bungee cords wrapped around the torso?

D: Yeah. And make sure they all have access to weapons, but instead of trying to fend off the torture guys, they clutch helplessly at said bungee cords.

SH: ...

Mike Tyson Mysteries (2014–2020)

Norm MacDonald's best work since OJ

[10/10 · 3 August 2019]

The show's description sums it up, but it's funny as hell. What makes this show is the casting, and I'm singling out Norm MacDonald in the role he was born to play: a divorced degenerate whose ex-wife turned him into a pigeon, and now he solves mysteries. The rest of the team is comprised of Mike Tyson, Mike's adopted 18-year-old Korean daughter, and a ghost from the mid-to-late 1800's, and they're like Scooby-Doo but with more substance abuse and sad murders. This show is nonsense, but it's hilarious nonsense.

#Followme (2019)

A Scare-free Slog

[2/10 · 10 July 2019]

I see lots of good reviews for #FollowMe that I don't understand at all. This isn't a horror, or a slasher, or a thriller. It's a bad drama full of unlikeable characters. Three shallow, vapid, and gorgeous British women take a trip to California. Things don't go great, they fight amongst themselves, and then they all get murdered. No tension or scares until the last ten minutes, and by that point you're so sick of the characters you kind of root for the anonymous, unexplained killer. 2/10; it gets one point for the attractiveness of the cast.

Dragged Across Concrete (2018)

Hooray guns hooray cars hooray money

[4/10 · 1 July 2019]

Do you wish men were still men? Do movies where cars get turned into Swiss cheese by bullets do it for you? Do you want to not think, and just go "Dude that was awesome!" every time shots are fired for close to 3 hours? Do you think Mel Gibson is capable of choosing a decent script in the late 2010's?

If so, this movie is for you. For me, this was an 80's action script hidden behind a strong cast. Even Mel was good in his role, but all the roles were terrible. Can't give it a positive rating.

The Monster (2016)

More than a monster

[6/10 · 21 June 2019]

The plot of this movie is as follows: Mom and daughter get stranded on the road, and then are attacked by a literal monster. Standard jump-scare fare, right? Wrong. It seems weird to say, but if you just want to watch a monster movie in the vein of Lake Placid, The Monster would be a comically poor choice. It's an intensely emotional family drama with the trappings of horror, not a horror movie with a dramatic subplot.

So yes, there is a wrecked car, a rainy night, and a literal monster, but that's just an excuse to put the characters in a pressure cooker of stress. The Monster is mostly about the mom's terrible relationship with her daughter and how their desperate situation pushes all the toxicity- along with the underlying bond- to the surface. The result is more than a little bit depressing and hard to watch, and I can see people being put off if they're only there for the gore and the jump-scares. I also have some questions about the decisions the characters make- questions that undermine the whole plot if you're taking it literally instead of as an external expression of inner dysfunction.

That said, there's something truly worthwhile going on here if you're up for it. I can't say I *enjoyed* The Monster, because that's the wrong word for such a sad and uncomfortable watch. Here's what I can say: this movie sacrifices its very horror-ness to take a big swing at your emotions, and for me, it makes solid contact. Not a home run, but a line drive double that's going to be rattling around in my soul's outfield corner for a while. If you're open to feeling feelings, it might do the same for you.

Hell House LLC (2015)

They did it right!

[7/10 · 21 June 2019]

Hell House LLC is a faux documentary, found-footage horror about a group of young adults who run haunted houses. When you set out to watch something like this, you never really know. Is it actually scary, or just a boring movie in a horror setting? Are the characters characters, or bad actors playing themselves? Does it show you enough of the evil that you're satisfied, but not so much that there's nothing left to wonder about? Do they keep the fear of the unknown, or do they submit to horror fans' lust for gore?

On these questions and others, Hell House LLC could have gone horribly wrong like so many low-budget horror movies, and halfway through, I thought maybe it would. Instead, the third act was seriously scary and showed some imagination, powerfully redeeming itself where many similar movies descend into nonsense.

As someone who watches way too much horror, it was fun and surprising to see a relatively recent, cheaply made, found-footage horror movie succeed on as many levels as this one does. Thumbs up, recommend for all fans of the genre.

Female Werewolf (2015)

Thanks, but can I have my hour back?

[1/10 · 20 June 2019]

I'm up for any kind of horror goodness, but this isn't a movie. No plot. No characters. No tension. One decent shot/scene that could have been kind of powerful, if they'd bothered to put anything around it. They should have cut this to five minutes and made it a good music video.

Abby's (2019)

Disappointingly Average

[4/10 · 14 June 2019]

Abby's boasted a strong ensemble cast and a loose vibe that promised regular shenanigans. Some of said shenanigans paid off- the sprinkler chair, the bar's constitutional amendments, and Tuna Pope were just a few of the good moments- and the banter around the bar was generally worth sticking around for. If they'd committed harder to the wackiness, this show could have run for 4 or 5 seasons as a laid back, lovable, goofy, Undateable-ish sitcom.

Instead, what sunk Abby's was its focus on the boring and awkward Bill (Nelson Franklin) as the character with a story arc. That gave us insultingly predictable boilerplate plots about crushes, ex-wives, dorky white guys, and relative levels of 'woke'. This is a bad thing in any context, but when there's a perfectly good cast of misfits sitting right there just waiting to perpetrate nonsense at the drop of a hat (or a still-burning grill), it's all too obvious that the showrunners misused every tool in their toolbox. That's why this exactly-average sitcom gets a below-average rating from me.

Tsunambee (2015)

Skip it

[1/10 · 9 June 2019]

As a big fan of B-horror and monster movies, take my advice and don't bother with this one. The technical issues- learn to use a camera outside maybe, or make it seem like the bees are really there just one time?- and sub-B-grade acting only underscored the lack of a script, story, or payoff. I struggle to understand why this was made.

Black Mirror: Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too (2019) Season 5, Episode 3

The pop star episode lacks substance

[6/10 · 7 June 2019]

My first reaction after watching this episode was all positive. The last few scenes were great, Miley Cyrus was 100% up for it, the reference 90's kids got paid off. But on second thought... isn't this just a reworking of USS Callister? Or at best, a phase 2? Lack of originality for a show that's set a high standard hurts my rating. At the same time, it was fun to watch and I liked it more before I thought about it.

The Devil's Dozen (2013)

Bad example of the genre

[3/10 · 6 June 2019]

I typically love movies like this, but the best thing I can say about The Devil's Dozen is that some of the dialogue reminded me of an incredibly dark View Askew movie, so maybe Jeremy London learned some things from Mallrats. The worst thing I could say would be any honest comment about the plot or acting. It's mostly predictable, and it somehow squanders the natural tension a ticking-clock murder movie should have. Plot holes and dropped threads are everywhere, which is an especially bad thing when the story is so minimalist. I give it a point for being a "people trapped in a room" thriller, and a point for a few quality lines. That's it.

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

There are zombie strippers in this movie.

[10/10 · 30 April 2019]

You'd think you'd know what you're getting when you decide to watch a movie called "Zombie Strippers!" starring Jenna Jameson. What you can't know until you watch it is how good it is. I'm here to say that it's as good as a movie with this title and cast could possibly be. It delivers on the promise of soft porn, the zombie makeup and horror pacing is perfect, and it's funnier and more clever than 90% of B movies. Instead of dragging in the second half, the dialogue and over-the-topness only get better ("Kids should smoke more. It's so cool!" Also, billiard balls?!) 10/10 on sexiness, 10/10 on gore and zombies, 9/10 on comedy. I would strongly recommend this to anyone who finds the title even remotely appealing.

Madison County (2011)

Let's talk about value

[7/10 · 28 April 2019]

Madison County doesn't have an original plot, or anything special in terms of effects or storytelling. What it does have is capable acting, good cinematography and sound, and a decent score on scares and gore without really resorting to exploitation. If you adjust for the low budget, Madison County is massively successful in what it tries to do. If you don't, it's still fine as a slasher-y version of Deliverance.

Violentia (I) (2018)

Nope

[3/10 · 22 April 2019]

I don't write reviews, but this movie's rating is artificially inflated. It's not scripted, acted, or directed with any competence and it's needlessly exploitative of some issues. If it keeps you guessing until the end, it's because "Well, I guess that made no sense."

Iron Doors (2010)

I DID see that coming!

[1/10 · 25 February 2019]

I don't usually review the really bad movies I watch. I also usually like and seek out movies of this type: someone or someones are trapped in a confined space and don't know why, but in deciding to work together or failing to trust, they determine their own outcomes. It's not hard to do right and when it's inspired it can be incredibly powerful, like late-90's Canadian sci-fi thriller Cube.

Iron Doors gets it wrong. So persistently, constantly wrong, I couldn't let it go without saying a word. It is repeatedly disgusting to no real benefit. The protagonist and the actor playing him lack the necessary depth for the role, and not that much depth was really needed (imagine how much more painful it all could have been if not for the language barrier). The intended mind-blowing finale ("I was NOT expecting that!") was telegraphed by pretty much the whole rest of the movie...

I could go on, but it comes down to this: If you make a dude eat maggots and drink his own urine out of a dirty shoe, the ride better be worth it. This was too gross, too sad, and too punishing to be a worthwhile ride. Even all that could have been forgivable, if it wasn't also so dumb it walled itself off from letting a viewer make an emotional connection with the characters minutes before demanding that same connection. It felt like a "screw the audience" twist, except it wasn't a twist, it was the whole plot.

Taxi Driver (1976)

This actually makes other movies worse

[10/10 · 24 February 2019]

If you're cool with seeing that conflicts of race, sex, gender, power, and violence in the modern era are intentionally timeless because people can benefit from them, watch Taxi Driver for the first time.

If you're cool with never watching another moody misanthrope drama again because they're all pale imitations, intentional or otherwise, watch Taxi Driver for the first time.

Hereditary (2018)

Didn't quite live up to the hype

[7/10 · 2 February 2019]

Here's why I liked Hereditary: It was a well-paced play on ghost stories and darker things, with strong performances by Toni Colette, Alex Wolff, and Milly Shapiro. It held interest and provoked me- hence, just about anyone- through the end. A painstakingly crafted build of intensity is Hereditary's biggest success, also scoring on gore, emotional triggers, and (to an extent) twistiness.

Here's why I didn't love Hereditary: It played with domestic turmoil and the supernatural at the same time and never unified the two, nor gave either the full treatment that would have improved everything. Gabriel Byrne played his role like he was on set for an afternoon while his whole on-screen family was writing a textbook for horror acting. I also felt like they left the most interesting plot thread to die on the vine: Annie's job. That dollhouse room deserves its own movie, and that movie would be better than Hereditary.

Anarchy Parlor (I) (2015)

A near-perfect piece of excess

[9/10 · 1 February 2019]

Horror movies can be great on so many levels. Funny is the one type of horror greatness that Anarchy Parlor does not attempt. What it lacks there it makes up in gore, sex, psychosis, intensity, twistiness, and shock value. It wasn't at all cool what happened to Kelly or the stripper, and it's not cool to demonize an entire nation through the eyes of entitled college brats for the sake of cheap thrills either. Apart from that, this was a disgusting, brutal ride through some dark places and I have no complaints.