goldenarrow-99823 Reviews

Sightseers (2012)

Natural Born Killers for the Radio 4 generation.

[8/10 · 21 August 2018]

I'd love to go to a pencil museum! Even with a bearded ginger bloke dealing with some serious anger issues. Although I'd draw the line at wearing knitted undies including split-crotch panties. That's obviously more appropriate for the Tate Modern.

The mature part of me sympathises with the erstwhile Robin from Marian & Her Merry Men (bit of a niche reference there) getting his head smashed in for complaining about their leaving dog poo behind. As a responsible dog walker I loathe people who don't clean up after their Woofs.

The film nerd in me spots the similarity with Steve Oram brutally wielding a hefty stick and the early ape-man making a huge leap forwards in 2001: A Space Odyssey. "He's not a person, he's a Daily Mail reader." Chris justifying his oh-so-English brand of vigilantism.

A Man for All Seasons (1966)

Divorced, beheaded, survived...

[8/10 · 20 July 2018]

A very young Rumpole of the Bailey (Leo McKern) in the first few seconds make me already glad to have finally got round to watching this.

The Tudors is a subject close to my heart- never having learned about Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn and the beheadings at school. Years later, when as a primary school teacher, I had the topic for the history curriculum, I was as thrilled as the kids to discover all the rule-changing, brown-nosing and backstabbing they all got up to.

To support their learning we took them to London to Shakespeare's Globe Theatre where they got a guided tour then an hour long drama seminar with Shakespearean actors.

Following this we spent the rest of the day and all night on a fully accurate replica of Sir Francis Drake's ship, The Golden Hinde.

The captain, cabin boy and barber-surgeon joined us for tales of horrific injuries, grotesque medical treatments and just how many things onboard (and off) could kill you.

The huge, thick oak beams that ran across the ship, supporting the upper decking were so incredibly solid that the captain issued a to-the-point-like-a-bullet warning,

"Listen ye scurvy dogs and listen well, these thick wooden beams are what? You there! The disgusting one. What are these beams? "Very hard." "Indeed they are very hard. So hard in fact that if you, when going up or down deck, bang your head not only will you really know about it, but I and the rest of the crew will laugh at what an idiot you are to have forgotten the most basic rule: don't smash you own brains in. Yes! Laugh. I promise you, the first '*bump.... waaaah!' I hear I will be laughing like a drunken pirate." It took about 7 minutes before the inevitable, "*bump.....Waaaahhhh!".

It took the captain and crew no longer than the "... Wa" part of the unfortunate child's pained eruption to begin laughing uproariously, as if the actors under the costume were genuinely enjoying the embarrassment and pain (these things wouldn't have moved for Thanos with full gauntlet) of an 11 year old girl.

I did wonder a little at this attitude from people paid to edutain children. There was nothing inappropriate happening from a Child Protection sort of way, nothing at all like that. I just wondered why they made such a show of laughing at the poor sod with a Tom & Jerry-esque purple bump and poorly concealed tears.

The next morning (after "sleeping" on deck with 45 over excited kids, many of whom had never stayed away from home before), I asked one of the actors about the brain damage hilarity.

His explanation made me think;

"These decks are very low. They're only about 3 1/2 feet high, even the shortest of the kids that come here are taller than that. Someone is going to bang their head. It is inevitable. It always, always, always happens. We've spent years trying to find the best way to stop the kids getting hurt (they aren't child-haters after all!) but it's so difficult. No matter how many times you tell them to bend down a lot when crawling, crablike along the tiny gundeck, and no matter how many times they groan "Yeah, Yeah, we get it." - someone always forgets and we have "*bump ... Waaaahhh!!". This technique we use now sees the humiliation of being laughed at, act as more of an important and immediate deterrent than smashing your head in. Kids eh?" So you can see why I'm fond of the period and the politics.

Years later I read the Shardlake series of novels by C J Sansom based on a hunchback lawyer loving and working in and around the court of Henry VIII.

So to say that I'm looking forward to how Richard Rich is portrayed (by a very young looking John Hurt) as well as all the other plotting, greedy, ambitious characters, is something of an understatement.

It's actually pretty slow going for the first half bit things begin to pick up steak once we hit the final third, with Cromwell's devious scheme to shaft Thomas Moore over his opinions dangerously contradicting the omnipotent monarch Henry.

However once Thomas starts digging his heels in and responding to every brainwashed, sycophantic jibe from Cromwell, Norfolk and the Cardinal with smarmy comebacks that are guaranteed to get under the skin of your interrogators, I rapidly lost sympathy for him.

It's all well and good having the courage of your convictions but pick your battles eh? 'Red or white wine? Never! I'll die before I drink the red!' When it comes down to you (and possibly your family) losing a significant body part, hanging or even burning at the stake - don't be a dick. Sign the form. Just do it with your fingers crossed - your God will know you don't really mean it so it'll be fine.

Upstart Crow (2016–2020)

Less than the sum of its parts

[5/10 · 23 May 2018]

This should be awesome.

The talent on display both in the cast and writing are impressive, reliable performers - David Mitchell, supported by ever-reliable Paula Wilcox, Liza Tarbuck and Harry Enfield.

The setup is prime for exploitation - we are familiar with the Elizabethan period and everyone knows a tiny amount about Shakespeare.

But it never really fully ignites - the feuds, snipes, clever asides etc do their job but it just seems to stroll along in 4th gear.

Much has been said about the 'canned laughter' - all I'll say is that it does sound like it's fake- if it is genuine then the audience must be the dribbling mekons that usually sit in ITV audiences, certainly not BBC 2!

Tyrannosaur (2011)

Optimistically grim

[7/10 · 29 April 2018]

The warnings before this was shown on E4 couldn't have been clearer: this film is near the knuckle.

As I was feeling in a gloomy mood anyway, it seemed the ideal time to finally get round to watching it.

Less than a minute into it and I'm already disgusted. And I don't disgust easily.

What works brilliantly is the way Olivia Colman and Peter Mullan's characters interact and come alive. They may have lives at totally different ends of the social scale but both of their lives are touched by violence and suffering.

Despite Hannah's patient attempts to help Joseph, the aggression that has clearly played a large part in his life is never far below his craggy surface. Her own inner rage flares up too, sometimes towards Joseph but even her abusive wanker of a husband.

Interesting that Hannah's Christian values didn't allow her to forgive Joseph after his harsh words about her personal life.

The irony of the joyously alive-ness of the wake is not lost on me. Very well done.

The ending left me feeling a tad let-down. Without spoiling it, the final consequences seem unfair to me. Yes the characters have shown progression but it was the physical position in which Colman finds herself that I didn't feel was justified.

I also would have preferred if Joseph had 'discussed things' with the dog's owner.

The Corrupt Half (2017)

Too long...

[3/10 · 21 April 2018]

At less than an hour, it's incredible that this seemed to drag.

I have no problem with low budget indie horror, and can usually extract something enjoyable from even the dodgiest films but something about this made me struggle.

I think it's primarily the quality of lack thereof in the acting.

As far as the plot goes, it's a decent enough idea but it was just hard to take seriously enough. The flippancy the girls show so soon after Scott's tragic actions is difficult to believe

Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws (2015)

Just when you thought it was safe to stay out of the water...

[3/10 · 18 April 2018]

Love the sheer ridiculocity of this.

With an ice lolly, lube and an iron among the means the supernatural oceangoing maniac accesses their prey (ghost sharks can travel through ice, water and steam much like Ultron can use the internet) you have to admire the creative lunacy with which they approach this.

If Logan really hasn't bathed in 9 years, with that amount of exercising and his penchant for raising one arm to hold his bag behind his shoulder, he must possess either nuclear powered deodorant or incredibly whiffy pits.

Fortunately, this never takes itself seriously and a good job too as it is so patently daft - the deliberately (I hope) overacting of the main characters is entirely justified when you face a menace that can kill you to death through the medium of steam...

Pontypool (2008)

Be safe

[8/10 · 9 April 2018]

"God bug" - mad scientist Dr Mendes Wow! What a pleasant surprise this was.

Or rather, what a disturbing, unsettling and downright creepy surprise it was.

Never have I seen a 'zombie' film with such little violence and blood. In fact I can't recall any actual violence that I saw, other than poor Laurel-Ann trying too hard to get close to Mazzy. Even when Grant & Sydney have to beat one of the 'conversationalists' to death, we only see them stamping away from just above the victim.

Interesting that they are to be called 'conversationalists' rather than 'zombies' according to director Bruce McDonald;

"There are three stages to this virus. The first stage is you might begin to repeat a word. Something gets stuck. And usually it's words that are terms of endearment like sweetheart or honey. The second stage is your language becomes scrambled and you can't express yourself properly. The third stage you become so distraught at your condition that the only way out of the situation you feel, as an infected person, is to try and chew your way through the mouth of another person." Interview with Bruce McDonald I accept this but only to a certain extent. From stage one to two it's a credible step. But from scrambled words to eating faces is one biiiiiiiiiig leap!

As is often the case with a good film, it got me thinking. The idea that a virus (or whatever you want to call it) can be transmitted through words is really novel but how did it originate....?

Wonder if it's not biological/chemical weapons that whoever is the US's current number one enemy possesses but a toxic vocabulary?

Or maybe nobody has yet mastered it and the Pentagon are working on it. They will have me 'removed' for going public and blowing the whistle on their little scam.

The Lady in the Van (2015)

Avoid if you don't like Alan Bennett

[5/10 · 7 April 2018]

This was listed under 'comedy' on Netflix and my son chose it for us to watch together, after I insisted we watch something other than Pokemon...

He thought it was going to be in the same David Walliams vein of The Boy In The Dress etc.

It's not that kind of 'comedy' - and while almost all of it is family-friendly (just a couple of big swears), the central theme and wry observations from Alan Bennett will either go over the heads of little ones or will just come across as dull.

The aforementioned Mr B is kind of a marmite writer in that he divides the audience. I find him smug and clever, without ever provoking more than a minor smile. It's the Carla Lane-esque summary of "Life" that I object to in his style. Things make him think (which is good) but inevitably he seems to conclude that his life is just boring and he's not living it enough etc. Quit moaning about not living and live it. Or, just quit moaning and accept that you'll never bungee jump in New Zealand or whatever "Life"

Aside from my feelings towards Bennett himself, this was an enjoyable, if bemusing, film. Maggie Smith is impressive as the frankly unpleasant eponymous Lady.

It's clear she has her problems, I just find it tragic, for her, that it take so long for them to be dealt with.

Not exactly a typical odd-couple film.

Little Evil (2017)

Funnier than Only Fools & Horses

[5/10 · 7 April 2018]

Lukas' headmaster should have been played by Christopher Walken.

Adam Scott is a shoo-in for when they make 'Steven Gerrard- My Score-y'

Evangeline Lilly keeps me warm on lonely dark evenings.

This film is silly but achieves what it sets out to do, namely amuse and poke fun at The Omen-type creepy child films.

There was a moment where I feared it'd decanted into full mawkish sentimentality but it just about avoided it.

The Babadook (2014)

Im not that hungry actually mum, after all...

[7/10 · 6 April 2018]

The colourless decor of the house and it's sparse furnishings match nicely the weak and characterless personality of the mother. Even her clothing just screams 'drab'.

When I first thought that, not long after one of her patients changed her mind about milk in tea, I felt perhaps I was judging too harshly, too soon.

By the time her odious offspring snarls,

"Do you wanna die?!" (in a manner akin to Tom Araya from Slayer) ... she's become the biggest drip since the BFG had sinusitis. Calling her weak was nowhere near unfair.

Her big plan to defeat the evil Babadook that has been freaking out her freaky son? Tearing up the book. Yep. That'll do it love.

Although she does grow some balls at Ruby's birthday party when the rich WAGs are moaning about not having time to go to the gym.

Although I loathe Samuel, even I wouldn't hold pushing Ruby out of the tree house against him. Children can be so cruel. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" goes the old saying, but I don't think a fall onto your face from 9 feet up is preferable to being taunted for not having a dad.

Ordinarily I celebrate the weird people. I hate the idea of just being the same as 'the norm' so naturally rally round the unpopular one or whipping boy of a group (such as the emo chick in The Breakfast Club or Trash in Return of the Living Dead). However in this kid, we have someone I just can't sympathise with. He's an obnoxious little turd.

Although I expect he'd probably be diagnosed with some kind of 'spectrum'-based diagnosis by psychology experts.

"If you're so hungry, why don't you just go and eat shit!?" Mummy really needs some sleep

Vaastu Shastra (2004)

"It's very inauspicious, don't you know."

[6/10 · 31 March 2018]

Never seen a Bolly-Horror before.

In fact I think this might be the first Indian film I've seen period.

Ever open-minded, I approach with zero expectations and give it full chance to tell me its story.

In tg opening 30 minutes I felt it does a decent enough job of setting the scene, raising questions and planting supernatural hints.

It's clear something is up, but you have to wait to find out exactly what. The tennis ball, disembodied childish laughter and sinister growling all add to the growing sense of unease. It's not exactly groundbreaking, more competent. It's clear that the sinister old banyan tree is in some way key, as it's here that the majority of inexplicable phenomena is centred.

Personally I like a slow build to the tension, rather than immediate monsterbloodeath. It makes you feel you've worked to 'enjoy' the scares, having traveled the same emotional journey as the characters.

I feel it works here as it's well over 30 minutes into the runtime before we get an actual spooky assault on one of the principals. That kind of restraint that could be a big gamble but I don't think it drags too much in the setup.

Love how the subtitles clearly aren't translated by someone who is fluent in both languages;

"Moreover, he's so much of imaginative." Worried mum Jill (who is definitely an IMILF - and I don't mean Apple have got into mature escorts...)

Or later when the hermit-type jabbering loonatic is trying to warn mum and sister - by hammering on the car window and chasing them.

What kind of reaction did he expect from them to this behaviour?! It doesn't help that he goes on to yell,

"It's very inauspicious, you don't know." Either even Indian crazies speak remarkably formally or the translator was having a bit of a laugh.

By the hour mark, the jump-scare sudden noises/demonic growling begins to wear a little thin. When we first actually meet Manish, I think it would have been more effective if it was accompanied by silence. If memory serves me correctly, I'm sure that the ominous, pale and corpselike little boy Toshio who haunts some of the unfortunate victims in Ju-On: The Grudge, isn't accompanied each time with jarring loud music/sound effects.

When we reach the final third of the film, the continuing jump-scare sudden noise/tiger growling is wearing pretty thin. Especially as the angry 'bad man' is still not really doing a great deal.

Poor little Rohan, despite all the clearly creepy stuff going on, none of the adults want to believe him so he is admonished for lying. We'll see who'll have the last laugh...

It's a crying shame that the very attractive aunty Radhika gets got by the Bad Man, especially without letting us get a good look at her ;-)

Despite hints and speculation, we still have no clear idea who these restless spirits are and why they have such a downer on the new family in the house. Better left as a tantalising and chilling mystery? Hmmm, but that tree is definitely a hub of evil.

Plan Z (2016)

"That was close..."

[5/10 · 30 March 2018]

I'd checked out quite a few reviews of this from fellow Letterboxd-ers and, while managing to avoid any serious spoilers, it was already very clear what the consensus of opinion was on this film.

Now I'm not the sort of awkward pedant who'd pretend to hate it because it was popular and easy, to make me look all dangerous and interesting ... but I would argue my reasons for liking unpopular films (such as R.I.P.D, Daredevil (with Ben Affleck!) even Batman and Robin which my brother loathes and I always stick up for, just to piss him off - if explained clearly enough and with reasonable examples for the basis of your opinion, then who am I to tell you, you're wrong?!

In spite of all the above, I actually found this hilarious.

Found myself take an immediate dislike to the way He carries himself in front of the camera, speaks in a Michael Madson-esque lazy drawl and just instantly rubbed me up the wrong way.

That in itself is not necessarily a bad thing, I appreciate a good villain. However in this, he's the 'hero'? Nah... really?

What would he do if the zombocalypse occurred when he was off on one of his international photography jaunts? Hadn't planned for that had you smartypants?

He comes across like some kind of Badly Drawn Boy/Chuck Norris hybrid, even when he's just heard the grisly sounds of people being torn to bits and eaten right outside his front door. I contemplated how it would have affected the film if the main man was Ewan Bremner, playing it like Spud. Instead of barely raising a designer-scruffy eyebrow when coming to terms with Zombocalypse, he'd be running around, crying, swearing and shooting up smack.

This would have made it a brilliant film.

Ps - If nothing else, I am grateful to this film for introducing to me to John Fairhurst whose bruising groove 'No Shelter' (wow! It's like they gave it some thought) blew me away. I'm off to Emusic now to see if they've got his stuff included in my subscription.

Die Präsenz (2014)

Make up your own mind, but horses for courses...

[6/10 · 30 March 2018]

While I saw a load of scathing reviews on my way into this, I made a point of not reading them. My expectations were suitably low, making a nice surprise possible (but let's be honest, unlikely).

I actually quite enjoyed it.

Sorry to those throwing rotten vegetables at this film, but for what it is, I felt it did the job reasonably well.

It's by no means perfect (or even 'really good') and I'm not going to ladle on the criticism because that'd be like shooting fish in a barrel, also, it's just mean.

What this film does possess, when compared to Blair Witch and the other found-footage franchises is the actual quantity of the paranormal activity (note the lower case letters). The supernatural entity in this is more active, vocal and just plain loud than those I've seen before. While this would make being there even more terrifying without a doubt, to the viewer I always feel that less is more.

With so much crashing and banging etc, with Becky scared out of her wits and the sleepwalking/nightmares that accompany it, that would be all the more reason to just jack it in and get the hell out of Dodge. "If you really loved me Markus, you'd save me from this hell..." (unfortunately not a direct quote from this)

The one piece of 'constructive criticism' I'd offer is that duringthe PA-esque nighttime infrared sleeping scenes, they build up tension reasonably well with noises and camera interference. Why then ruin it with sudden loud music and camera zoomery for a cheap jump? Less is more, young German padowan.

Food rotting from one moment to the next, while their back was turned was a nice little effect. Ditto with the ball disappearing then reappearing.

Rebecca really, really should have told Markus that she didn't like it and she was leaving. Now. With or without him. But no. She moans and is terrified but goes through with it, even though she claims to have felt that the entity wanted to do them harm. Sounds like my ex wife: passive/aggressive.

If you can't stand up when you need to and lay down the law, then I'm afraid that you're kinda asking for it.

Enough of my marriage councelling/pop psychiatry...

Insults/recriminations/threats etc inspired by my review of this please place below:

Monsterwolf (2010 TV Movie)

What no Oscar?

[4/10 · 30 March 2018]

Can't believe this work of art missed out on any nominations. It's a scandal!

Pathfinder (2007)

Meh...

[3/10 · 30 March 2018]

I liked the concept of this but wasn't impressed with the execution of it.

Lighting was crap so everyone looked alike.

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013)

"Will you be my new dad?"

[7/10 · 29 March 2018]

I love this.

What I love most about it is the self-righteous looks of outrage from the mothers of the terrifying mini-Barbies at the 'Beauty Pageant' ("It's a sport") - how disgraceful and disgusting for a boy to be there and competing!

This time round I risked sharing it with my 11 year old son who is really into singing/dancing/drama - as well as laughing uncontrollably for several of the set pieces, he was blown away by the skills of Bobby (or is it Billy? Ah... what's it matter anyway...?)

I'm also proud to say that I've managed to instill my own warped sense of humour in my young man (Monty Python, Red Dwarf, Blackadder etc) and can now add this to my list of successes. They aren't all successful however, he really didn't get Cannonball Run or The Exorcist (joke, I'm waiting until he's 16 before sharing anything scary, even if he is a mature viewer in done regards)

The Blackcoat's Daughter (I) (2015)

Bemusing, but enjoyable.

[8/10 · 29 March 2018]

Well that was something!

There's so much to enjoy about this, and so much that left me scratching my head. Scratching it in puzzlement rather than irritation I hasten to add.

The tension is allowed to build, with a barren score to emphasise rather than create a mood.

From the start we see Kat speaking staccato - like she's an alien in a human shell, barely aware of how to conduct a conversation. I know teenagers are meant to be weird but this is pushing it.

I try not to predict the ending when watching films, preferring to allow the director's vision to just wash over me so my reaction will be one of acceptance and understanding. It's a darned good job I didn't try to change my approach on this one - I honestly had no idea where this was going or quite why.

Clearly this will reveal me as dim witted by those who could "see the twist coming from miles off"... but if that's how you get your kicks, by being right, whereas I get mine from being surprised by a director, I know which I'd prefer.

There are clues there if you want to poke around and tie them together, but it was the clanking of clues that didn't quite sit right that left me trying to figure out who did what to whom and why.

That's not to say I didn't enjoy it, I very much did, but I'm going to have to read Wikipedia and a few reviews from others on here as I'm still a little bemused.

On a side note, this is the 22nd film I've tagged with 'decapitation'

Dartmoor Killing (2015)

Nearly. But not quite.

[4/10 · 29 March 2018]

I really wanted to like this. The moors are a suitable setting for anything eerie and I love an English approach to ghost stories / thrillers.

But this never really seemed to get going. The requisite elements were there but the blue touch-paper never quite fully sparked it all into life.

Pride Shockwave 2004 (2004 TV Special)

Youthful Silvas on display

[8/10 · 29 March 2018]

*** NO RESULT SPOILERS ***

Makoto Takimoto vs Henry "Sentoryu" Miller Sumo vs judo on display here - both disciplines very respected in Japan. As the sumo star is so considerably larger, will wearing the gi help or hinder Takamoto? Pride refs are just too respectful of the fighters - sometimes they need a good kick up the arse in order to motivate them to start kicking ass themselves.

Ikuhisa The Punk Minowa vs Stefan Leko The only time I've seen Leko before he was less than impressive. The Japanese fighter like punk rock. Expectations are not high... but hope springs eternal. At least both fighters give it a good go in this.

Mu Bae Choi vs Paulo Cesar Giant Silva Oh my goodness! The last time I encountered Giant Silva he was a very poor pro wrestler in WWE. So how is he going to cope when your opponent isn't cooperating with you? Well from what I gather from the commentators, not brilliantly. But standing at 7ft 2", a whole foot taller than the Korean, it's like car-crash tv: you cant take your eyes off him.

Ryan Gracie vs Yoji Anjo Yet another Gracie challenged by yet another Japanese pro wrestler who fancies his chances. Anjo used to 'compete' in the worked-shoot matches in the UWFI where Takada was top dog. Doesn't automatically mean you'll be able to make the switch to MMA, especially against a Gracie who has the whole weight of the family history on his shoulders. Oh and he appears to be the heel of the family too - nice bit of attitude on display here. Controversial.

Ryo Chonan vs Anderson Silva It's incredible to think that Bas on commentary doesn't know where the not-yet-in-his-prime Spider comes from in Brazil. "If he comes from Rio, and he's fighting Ryo. Y'know?" There are glimpses of the magic we'd all get to see in his dominant UFC Middleweight title run from Silva but 'The Butchering Piranha' is not here just to make up the numbers. Match of the night so far.

Rulon Gardner vs Hidehiko Yoshida The American wrestling Olympian outweighs his opponent, himself an Olympic gold medalist in judo, by about 5 stone. So tactics on display here will be vital.

Mirko Cro Cop vs Kevin Randleman Last time out The Monster ko'd Cro Cop in the first round in a huge shocker. Is he able to repeat the feat and prove it wasn't a fluke or will the Croatian gain revenge?

Dan Henderson vs Yuki Kondo Yawn. Disappointing.

Takanori Gomi vs Jens Pulver Two top notch standup fighters here - a moment of brilliance is all it takes.

Wanderlei Silva vs Mark Hunt Due to last minute injury, Sakuraba is unable to resume his feud with The Axe Murderer so the K1 legend Hunt takes the fight, on three day's notice. This turns out to be a good thing; we get two top tier stars competing, the curiosity value of such a big weight discrepancy and of course the debut of The Atomic Butt Drop (name couresty of Randy Couture on commentary). Great back and forth fight - has a little bit of everything.

Fedor Emelianenko vs Antonio Minotauro Nogueira The big belt is on the line here following controversy in the earlier fight. This one should hopefully establish who's the better man. Instead, I found this to be a pretty dull affair.

Fox Force (2009)

Wonder what Bechdel Test score this would get...

[3/10 · 29 March 2018]

Rape revenge. While I'm all in favour of the castration and execution of convicted rapists, these ladies seem a little unfocused.

One minute they're gung-ho in their plans to kill the sicko who'd assaulted them, the next some of them have an attack of conscience and think prison will be punishment enough.

It makes 79 minutes seem like a lot longer.

Kat, who has a disproportionately foul mouth (even for an Australian) seems to be the only one committed to the plan. And she certainly has had a horrific past, so I can totally understand why she'd want revenge.

"That looks nasty." - Emily, after Kat uses a blowtorch on Kyle the rapist's penis for a considerable time Wonder how this would score on the Bechdel Test?!

And for all those Americans who might get confused - these ladies are Australian, not English, or south African. All of us non-Americans don't really like getting lumped in together. Thank you.

Creep 2 (2017)

Joseph is equally lovable and unnerving

[6/10 · 29 March 2018]

The eponymous character, Joseph is so enthusiastic and exuberant that it's entirely possible to believe that he genuinely thinks he's doing something positive.

"Maybe we're all a bit weirder than we give ourselves credit for." Encounters voice over woman.

The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972)

Delightfully bizarre

[5/10 · 29 March 2018]

What a delightfully bizarre film.

When reading the trivia on Amazon Prime attached to this I was amused and delighted to see that the director made his film, then was told it was too short at just 72 minutes. This led to the addition of the rats, adding 20 mins to the running time (and making what was already a strange viewing experience slightly stranger).

I'm not going to list the elements that weren't perfect, because that's not the point of this kind of film, instead I'll stick to what I enjoyed or found amusing:

The sisters Monica & Melanie (or whatever) are both very easy on the eye.

The shop owner who sells the rats, Mr Micawber, is simply brilliant. Like a cross between Igor the hunchback and Edward from The League Of Gentlemen.

I love how the poor unfortunate chained brother, when being taunted by Monica, stops his roaring when older sister intervenes to admonish the cruelty. Then resumes it once she's finished speaking.

Pop is a sly old dog, he soon changes his curmudgeonly manner towards the new husband. Now it suits him.

Devil's Trail (2017)

Good if you like this kinda thing. Bad if you don't.

[6/10 · 29 March 2018]

Not exactly groundbreaking but certainly enjoyable - as long as you don't mind found-footage films.

This does well to build the growing sense of paranoia and doubt (which leads on to mistrust and accusations) between the two leads, while not forcing in too much shaky-camerawork.

Minor gripe: the glaring red eyes of the 'devil' are just too bright. Too clearly seen. What made Blair Witch so enjoyable for me was that you could never quite say categorically what the peculiar noises in the woods sounded like. Here the sounds emanating from the sinister entity dwelling in the woods sounds very much like the grumbling of a territorial lion and the eyes/lights are just too clear - and clearly not a crane.

Ive seek positive and negative reviews of the ending. For me it felt tagged on and rushed, so I was slightly puzzled at it, but overall a satisfying outing.

It's just a shame they didn't run into a drunk Glaswegian terrorising the Scottish Highlands during their hiking trip there - now THAT would be truly terrifying.

Help Me... I'm Possessed (1974)

Watchable but ridiculous

[29 March 2018]

"I have to admit, when I saw Mr Solov's body, I felt a definite sexual thrill." Dr Blackwood So here's an odd one...

A doctor has an asylum (not a castle) out in the desert somewhere, with a hunchback servant, mute chauffeur and a take Cat & mouse pair who live in harmony together.

It's reminiscent in its basic premise of the old Universal horrors of the 30's and Hammer Horrors. The 'castle' looks like it came flat packed from Ikea and the effects are just bizarre : bloody spaghetti wiggling in front of black screen?!

The patients are little more than medieval dungeon-dwellers and seem to be kept, tormented and tortured at the whim of the doctor and Igor.

Doctor Blackwood's theory is that he can latent extract evil from things and destroy it (as the Cat & mouse prove) ... so can "cure" his patients.

From there on in any semblance of proper plot or ideas behind it all seem to sort of, well, go mad.

Watchable but ridiculous.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

The weight of huge hype

[7/10 · 29 March 2018]

Unfortunately, the first time I saw this was after I'd been given a massive build-up from the guy showing it to me, promising that it's the "scariest film you'll ever see.." which inevitably led to my disappointment when it wasn't quite that.

What it is, however, is very effective at subtly amping up the nerves, with the supernatural entity gradually becoming more and more intrusive.

Although for the life of me, I can't see the point of a demon spending 20+ years grooming Katie just for ... that!!?