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Northern Exposure (1990)
Seems like it's from the 50s
As of this writing (early 2024) I am 45 years old.
I vaguely remember this show, maybe I watched an episode or two when I was a kid. Or maybe my parents watched it. That's all I remember.
This show really, really bothered me, and I finally finished the first season because maybe I'm masochistic. In fact, it's been bothering me so much, I had to get this out of me just so I could put it BEHIND me.
It occurred to me that this show came out during a trifecta of shows that I utterly adore: Cheers, The Wonder Years, and Seinfeld. Cheers is 90% comedy, 10% drama, and is unabashedly a relic of 80s TV. The Wonder Years is 50/50 comedy and drama. And Seinfeld, of course is about "nothing", and is 100% comedy.
Northern Exposure? I literally did not even chuckle during the first 8 episodes (do the math, and that's seven straight hours with zero laughs). Oddly, the "comedy" is as sophomoric as something you'd find in "Little Wonder", a literal kids show about a cyborg girl and the family that owns her.
Now, for the really bad stuff: the only three Indians in the first season are all portrayed as simple minded idiots. They never say how old Ed is, but he is a caricature of every town idiot that does exactly what he's told, has zero social skills, is awkward, and has no role other than as a foil for the main characters.
Then...Dr. Fleischmann's assistant? It is never once said what she exactly is: a nurse, a secretary, a receptionist, a...nobody?? Then she always just stands there with a stupid smile on her face while she gets verbally abused by...
Yep, the worst character in the entire show: Dr. Fleischmann. For the love of God, he is THEE singular, least likable character I have seen in any form on TV. And...he's the MAIN character. Let that sink in. Funny? Nope. Likable? Nope. Lovable? Nope. Misunderstood?? Nope!! He's just literally a pile of dog sxxt.
I could go on, and on, and on. I gave it two stars for the scenery and catchy show toon.
Oh! Forgot to mention another classic "Little House On The Prairie", a show I watched (and vividly remember) when I was like 8 or 9.
Long story short, there's a reason I don't remember this show: 'cause even my underdeveloped, immature 12 year old brain new this show was terrible.
You've been warned.
Down Down the Deep River (2014)
Movie About a Freckly Faced Kid With an Affinity For Collard Shirts
This movie confirms what science has proven generations ago: kids with freckles have no friends. Because of the director's fastidious attention to continuity he routinely dressed up our freckle faced antihero in turtle necks, calf socks, and fitted him with a perfect bowl cut. The movie set was complete with a solar system mobile over his bed and shelves filled with books.
There's no dialogue in this movie. I mean zero. We don't even know the boys name. He's literally listed as "The Boy" in the credits. The Boy doesn't need dialogue. He's got big, brown doey eyes that convey more than words ever could about the deep river of his childhood angst.
As far as his spineless ex best friend, I hope he ends up in jail. If it's one thing I'm damn sure of is that any man that is a fan of C.H.U.D is no friend of mine. All goldilocks with his plain skin ever contributed to the relationship anyways was an old cooler and some bad drawings. Good riddance.
Honestly, tho. This is a real gem of a movie. Very well done.
Pavilion (2012)
Do you like watching paint dry?
Director's journal of this movie:
Day #1 - Posted ad on Craigslist for teenage actors. 19 show up. Most of them were fat and ugly. I picked the two best looking ones.
Day #2 - Film them riding their bikes.
Day #3 - Film them riding their bikes.
Day #4 - Film them riding their bikes.
Day #5 - Film them getting smoked out by an older kid.
Day #6 - Two original kids stopped showing up. Post another ad on Craigslist. 17 show up. Most of them are fat and ugly. I pick the three best looking ones.
Day #7 - Film them riding their bikes.
Day #8 - Film them riding their bikes.
Day #9 - Where the hell are we? Florida? Texas? Louisiana?
Day #10 - Too many dudes. Need some chicks. Post ad on Craigslist. 32 girls show up. Most of them are fat and ugly. I pick the 4 best looking ones.
Day #11 - Film them swimming.
Day #12 - Two of the three original boys stop showing up. Thru battle of attrition I have my main character.
Day #13 - Film girl and boy wondering thru the woods. I try to get them to make out. Dude's totally into it. Girl says no. I try bribing her with a Boones Farm. She says no. I try giving her $40. She says no. Finally, I give her a major guilt trip about how she'll never make it in this industry. Still says no. I think she's a lesbian.
Day #14 - Girl says she's quitting. At least she's giving me a heads up. Have to write her out of the movie. Film them swimming. I nervously ask her to get into a bikini. She goes for it!
Day #15 - Now we're in Arizona. Film kid riding his bike.
Day #16 - Film kid riding his bike.
Day #17 - Post ad on Craigslist for more kids as well as his dad.
Day #18 - To make this movie seem really deep I write in that they live in a motel.
Day #19 - Have kid stare out motel window like he's Norman Bates at other kids riding their bikes.
Day #20 - Film kids riding their bikes.
Day #21 - Film kids riding their bikes.
Day #22 - Main character befriends new kids.
Day #23 - Film palpably homoerotic scene between the two best looking kids underneath a tree. I try to get them to kiss. They're not having it. I explain to them that this doesn't make you gay. They're still not having it. I ask them if they've ever seen brokeback mountain. They're still not having it.
Day #24 - Film kids riding their bikes.
Day #25 - Film kids riding their bikes.
Day #26 - Crap! Main character has disappeared. Have to finish film without him. Luckily the other good looking kid is still around. We'll surround him with a bunch of girls. Try to talk them into a final make out scene. Dude's totally into it. Girls say no way. I beat my head against a wall trying to talk them into it. Oh! The hell with it.
Day #27 - The end.
Desert Cathedral (2014)
Another Entry Into The Found Footage Genre
This is clearly a hoax. And utterly implausible. So this man makes two serious attempts at killing himself, and then...just stops? He even gets stumbling drunk and doesn't attempt to kill himself again? He then makes friends with the detective guy, gets drunk again, appears to be having an okay time, then literally runs away once the jig is up like a little kid who can't have ice cream? The funniest scene is the detective chasing him all over the desert like a monty python skit. Then, the detective is all dumbfounded when he gets to the edge of the cliff, only to find that the man jumped to his death, but instead of falling straight down he appears to have sailed out 400 yards. Some leaping skills.
I knew this was fake after the sex scene. Legally, you'd have to get permission from this woman. Fine. They got permission. Then...no interviews? No pictures? Not to mention that this guy was a total weirdo who filmed everything. You're telling me the filmmakers couldn't convince her into handing over more material? Furthermore, the entire move contains...three mins? Five mins tops of "archival" footage?
The detective guy. For the life of me I could not figure out what the hell he was trying to do with his accent. Or, if that was just his accent. It sounded like he was trying to do a southern drawl. It was atrocious. Then, it dawned on me, he sounded like Mr. Garrison from South Park. Then, he keeps making the point "I can't call the cops." Ummm...yeah, actually you can. No, they wont arrest him, but they'll intervene. Furthermore, while only the audience has the knowledge of his suicide attempts, a logical person would assume that at the very least he is having a nervous breakdown and at the very worst is suicidal. All you have to do is mention the words "suicide" and the cops will show up to intervene.
I hate movies that have to rely on a gimmick (Fargo). Even the ending "based on a true story" had so many qualifiers that it could have applied to a story that my grandmother heard about her neighbor's boss's nephew's friend's sister's husband who killed himself. Bogus.
Fat Head (2009)
Super Size Me's Rational Brother
This guy reminds me of my goofy, awkward childhood neighbor. I loved that man.
Coincidentally, I had just rewatched SSM and then discovered this gem. I saw SSM when it first came out. I was a starry eyed liberal back then. Seeing it again is so fascinating because it is such a reflection of who I am now, and how I've changed. I was also really into M. Moore as well. My overarching sentiment is that to be "into" anything you have to just blindly accept what is put in front of you. If you are "into" being a liberal then you will not seriously entertain any conservative ideology (and vice versa). And if you're "into" regulation than you wont entertain the concept of personal freedom (and vice versa).
Let's be honest, SSM has a serious liberal bent to it. Furthermore, it's difficult to discern what his agenda is. To take down McDonalds? To fight the conservatives? Subversion of corporate America? Animal welfare? Public health?
M. Moore existed just to make the Bushes look bad. I think that was really his only agenda. And I think SSM only agenda was to make McDonalds look bad. They're muckrakers.
20 yrs ago McDonalds rolled out a low calorie, healthy menu. Why? Because they conducted a multi million dollar, nation wide survey and overwhelmingly ppl said they would eat healthy food if it was offered. It bombed and they removed the menu 2 short yrs later. The moral of the story is that ppl say one thing but behave differently. So, they went back to selling ppl what they want.
Fat Head only exists as a rebuttal to SSM. There's nothing wrong with that. Many musicians have only existed because they thought they could do it better. Many politicians have only gotten into politics because they thought they could do it better. And so it goes with athletes, businessmen, inventors, and comedians.
I think this is a great rebuttal to SSM.
Out of Nothing (2014)
I'm Jealous of these Men
I'm 40 yrs old and I have no hobbies. That's why I watched this movie. I wanted to watch men who actually do stuff. Unlike myself, who does nothing.
I intently watched these men, trying to determine how they differed from me. The leader of the gang was syrupy sweet. His brother evidently had psychological issues. The brain seemed like he wouldn't be very fun to have a beer with. Last but not least we have the guy I'd end up punching if I ever worked with him.
From the age of zero to out of the house, my parents spent a total of $800 on me. To say that being a tightwad is in my jeans is an understatement. What was the most aww inspiring about these men is the sheer avalanche of money they spent on their motorcycles. I can hear my mother passively aggressively right now "hmmm...must be nice to have that kind of money." The claustrophobic guy appeared to have 3 or 4 kids. Where does all this money come from?
The angry man who would have received one of my punches had I worked with him was evidently the richest of the four. Ironically (or, expectedly) he got his hair gel on clearance at Target. He seemed to be aware that the camera caught this, and made an attempt to hide this. This was only humorous in retrospect as it wasn't until later that they revealed his vast wealth.
As I grow wiser I appreciate that there's an infinite number of ways to do things, such as drink coffee. I must say, tho, that I was utterly transfixed by the way the syrupy sweet man drank his coffee. He neatly placed three white ceramic coffee cups on the counter, added cream and sugar, then filled each one to the brim with hot coffee. For his wife? Gf? Somebody else in the gang? Nope. He very adroitly picked all of them up like a barista and began to take them outside. "Where the hell is he going" I thought to myself. He then gets in his truck. What the?? A few moments later they show him grabbing another cup as he says something like "round 2." This is when it hit me: those are to-go cups? This man conservatively spends tens of thousands of dollars a year on motorcycles, and he's never considered and/or can't afford a travel cup?
All in all this was a bad a** documentary. I'm very jealous of these men.
The Man from Earth (2007)
Forest Gump meets Marty McFly meets Benjamin Buttin meets David Dunn
I don't know about you, but the first thing I would do if I meet a 14,000 y/o man is blast him in the face with a shotgun to see if he'd live. Or, at the very least, I'd jump on his back to experience his cat like reflexes. Because one thing I've always know about cavemen is that they are damn fast and damn strong. Like when I was a kid and I knew that He-Man really could run at near the speed of light because of all those muscles.
We are hit like a Mack truck with the dumbest scene of the movie a mere three minutes in: we see him tossing a $10,000,000 Van Gogh into the back of his truck like it's a trash bag of clothes being donated to Goodwill.
Logically, we'd assume that he ages normally, but at a very slow rate, so that 400 yrs to us would only be one yr to him. He'd be an infant for like 500 yrs. This isn't what happened, tho. We are told he ages normally to the age of 42 then, inexplicably, he just stops aging. Why? Because of the delicious water, nutritious food, and sweet mountain air. Ummm...I always thought that prehistoric man drank swamp water, scavenged for food, and burned everything in sight for warmth. Not exactly holistic living.
Then, like the last car in a pile up, we discover that he is indeed still fertile after all these yrs and has produced a child, who just so happens to be in this very room. We are then treated to the corniest scene in cinematic history: upon learning that this man is his father he clutches at his chest and dies (because this is how heart attacks work, you die instantaneously). Why did he believe him so assuredly? Because like every TV show from my childhood, the simplest way to test somebody's authenticity is to query them on the name of your family dog.
I actually thought the whole Jesus thing was an interesting concept, it was the reaction of the ppl around him that was stupid. If had just discovered I had been banging Cleopatra I wouldn't stop grinning for a week. His gf, tho? Apparently she has stage 10 autism because she has what amounts to a total non-reaction. The drama between them is that he has broken up with her. The movie closes with Oldman and his detached gf driving off into the darkness. Are these two love birds going to make it work? Or, is he just giving her a lift to the nearest bus stop?
Thought provoking indeed.