drdeathforpresident Reviews

The Dead Don't Die (2019)

The Dead Don't Die? Well, I almost did.

[1/10 · 21 June 2019]

Jimbo, what's the dealio? Why did you take almost an hour for some good zombie fun? There are a few problems here: one, paying close to 15.00 a ticket plus 10.00 for poopcorn, mind you that's for one person, you expect to get your moneys worth (those who disagree are the ones that can afford these ridiculous prices and they don't see the big picture that 90% of the working class cannot...) second, I don't care who you are, we don't need to focus on the name of the directors or writers or what have you, we need to focus on the movie itself. I understand, we are creatures of habit & that we follow the herd so we accept that the reason(s) why a movie, such as this, is too slow because that's the way a certain director(s) moves but not me, nope. That's no excuse; that we as an audience have to sit there & eventually nod out for close to an hour - wasting these extraordinary talented actors in a battle of vanilla, bland sarcasm. The two main characters were asleep at the wheel, literally. Pick up the friggin pace, it's a horror film. It's a zombie film. The film turned out to be a horrorble film (yeah, I know, spelling error) The bickering between the two characters is ad nauseum yet finally the last turd ( whoops, another error) of the film FINALLY becomes a zombie movie but by then I'm spent & have no love for this energy suckfest. The special effects are fantastic though so kudos go to that department which is the ONLY reason I'm giving it one star.

I Think We're Alone Now (2018)

I think I'm in a coma now

[1/10 · 26 October 2018]

Incredibly slow paced; I took some quaaludes just to stay awake. Have you ever seen someone mow a lawn or an inchworm wiggle it's tiny little bum against a wet surface? Well, it's as exciting as that. Nothing happens here; the four actors whisper throughout - I turned up my hearing aid just to hear the emptiness. What's with the lighting? You spend your allowance making this cinematic trash yet you can't afford lights; I'll get you a flashlight for sakes. What's there to review? A man and a horny woman wander through a nothing town removing spoiled food from refrigerators and dead bodies from their lonely homes and burying them; they need to bury this stinker too. Wow, that was cathartic.

Incredibles 2 (2018)

Incredibles - part deux deux

[1/10 · 16 June 2018]

The family is back fighting crime & saving the world this time in a not so comedic way, more so along the lines of "leave it to beaver" & "father knows best." The beginning starts off great, trying to save a city from total destruction - the whole family is involved here; when the smoke clears they relocate to a motel, their egos damaged but fate steps in and they again are moved to a swanky mansion with the works. Pops is stuck at home being the mother to the three rugrats especially the baby, Jack - Jack who as we see as the film drags on has these incredible (oh, you see what I did here?!) powers i.e. breathing fire & spewing out laser beams from his eyes (best scene involves Jack Jack and a pissed off racoon) - whilst elastic mom tries to save the city from a villain who leaves his victims in a trance; the film bounces back and forth to the father teaching his kids life lessons then wham! back to the scene of the crime that being 'elastic mom' trying to save a monorail from flying off the tracks. This is a super hero version of "Mr. Mom." hmmm - two hours and change, really pixar?

Hereditary (2018)

Hereditary - a genetic defect

[1/10 · 15 June 2018]

What a piece of rubbish - I had 5 shots of Patron & working on my fifth Corona to get the disgusting taste out of my mouth and to review this is like getting my teeth pulled - it hurts like hell. The film is soooo incredibly slow that I actually popped a Xanax to stay awake. Gabriel Bryne was so tame in this he could of acted this one in his sleep. The decapitation of the poor girl was for lack of words, thanks to my intake of alcohol, is 'not cool.' Her head covered in ants made me want to question the writers sanity. Now don't get me wrong, decapitations are cheesy good ol' fun but, a child, come on. She was the most interesting character in this yawn fest. I give points for the diorama's - they had more character and personality then the actors . Oh well, the trailer gods have tricked me again.

Red Sparrow (2018)

Red Sparrow - fantastic!

[8/10 · 10 March 2018]

I would give this film a 10, but the torture this poor girl goes through is insane. You just want to rip her heart out and eat it with a fine wine. Jennifer's acting is stellar, mesmerizing and friggin awesome! The scenes of snowy Russia are picture perfect. Jennifer's nude scene, I congratulate her on. It takes balls to shed your clothes and expose yourself for the whole world to see (redundant) (well, in her case it doesn't take balls) She pulls it off nicely. There's definitely some eye candy going on here folks. The story has so many twists and turns that near the end I had a hernia.

Father Figures (2017)

father go figures

[1/10 · 5 January 2018]

Listen, I'm not going to be giving away any details here nor am I going to go into important plot points (because there aren't any) it's just simply a waste of time spent, a waste of talented actors in a wasted film again written by the fine folks at Hallmark. Granted, the first fifteen minutes are hilarious and then it takes a turn and never looks back. You want them to find their father so we, the poor audience, can leave and find something with substance.

Happy Death Day (2017)

trailer teaser trash

[1/10 · 18 October 2017]

yet again, been duped and led astray by the all mighty trailer gods; what a waste of celluloid. Horror films enthusiasts, really. Great idea yet poorly executed. A lot of drama for a horror film, hints of Dawson's Creek. A college girl wakes up in a horny student's room, confused and baffled. She's hungover. She lives her day hanging out with her sorority. She walks down a bunch of stairs at night with no lights to guide her and no one in sight (at this point, you turn around and run like the wind) She sees a small toy underneath a bridge. She cautiously inspects it then boom here comes trouble. A weirdo appears wearing a mask and kills her. She wakes up again and we start the whole boredom all over again. The killer is obvious and in the end I leave thinking I've seen this film before.

It (I) (2017)

see "it"

[9/10 · 20 September 2017]

massive spoiler alert: please don't read this review if you haven't seen the film yet, I'm barfing out important plot points and giving away the ending (you have bee warned) Georgie is running in the rain with his cute little sailboat and his cute little raincoat. Georgie looks like a minion. Georgie smacks his head against a roadblock (don't all streets have those?)and can't catch up to his sailboat which ends up in the sewer. Smart Georgie inspects the sewer and is hesitant at first when all of a sudden a clown appears inside the sewer with boat in hand. Now I ask you, what the hell is a clown doing in our sewer system? Pennywise, the name of said clown, lures poor Georgie closer and closer and closer until the damn clown bites the kids arm off. Georgie screams for help but it's too late; the only witness is a cute cat with bugged out eyes (guess he's been getting into the catnip again.) What follows is a fantastic movie filled with losers and a scary clown who just wants to eat kids.

The kids form this club called "the losers club" Why not? They get hassled by a kid who looks like River Phoenix with a mullet.

Every scene with Pennywise is excellent especially the flooded basement scene when you see Georgie with his raincoat on and he needs his ritalin or a time out as he shouts over and over and over "you'll float too" Pennywise appears holding the boy and runs towards his brother who is no match for this evil sadistic clown (a politician, perhaps) The ending is killer and is overkill as it takes forever to battle the demonic clown thingy who represents fear to the children as he doesn't really exist only he is fear itself (redundant, sure)(I need to work on this but what the hay I''m not getting paid for this) This is a throwback to the 80's when horror films were exciting and memorable.

See it.

The Emoji Movie (2017)

emoji - "meh"

[7/10 · 1 August 2017]

I haven't critiqued anything for a while because some "yahoo" with thin skin didn't like my review of "get out" which I think sucks and still sucks (and I believe there are a lot of racial overtones in that movie....)what happened? We cannot express our reviews?! Now, I'm getting off my soapbox and giving my review of the emoji film. Man, you read a few reviews and subconsciously movie fanatics have closed minds and they don't give anything a fair chance. The movie wasn't that bad, people. The premise of the film was about an "emoji" who cannot conform so they try to delete him. Yes, he plays hero in the end like most animated films. God, how boring. There are no such things as happy endings, just death and taxes. I didn't see much product placement and yes they needed the main character, the lovelorn Alex, to tie the movie up. Who do you think uses phones? sheep? To sound redundant, the movie is centered around a failed emoji who tries to find his identity (like all of us wayward numskulls)Emoji's are contained in cell phones so of course that's where the movie takes place, inside a phone. The reviews I've read are ludicrous. For what it's worth, the film did a great job given it's limited space (for the nth time, a cell phone.)Let's bring back the Sixties & Seventies where people were more open minded and there was no such thing as political correctness.

The Bye Bye Man (2017)

dawson's creek meets the boogeyman

[1/10 · 13 January 2017]

seems most horror films these days save their best stuff not for last, it's always the opening that hooks you and it's always that scene where they put their best foot forward i.e. The Bye Bye Man. A suit and tie guy pulls up the driveway, gets out and throws wild accusations at a woman we are not introduced too but who cares since he offs her and everyone else that crosses his path, a psycho in dire need of his medication or is it the extreme paranoia that these people called out the 'bye bye man's' name that somehow triggers the utmost evil in common folk to execute and cause great bodily harm. It's a horror film so I would expect all the ills of society to come out and play, unfortunately the film tires quickly leaving me wanting much much more. The main characters are not fully defined and have the personality of warped wallpaper; granted they summon this evil spirit that resembles the grim reaper from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, twenty minutes later. There is a lot of drama between the roommates and at this point I wanted to put my hands through the screen and choke the life out of all them. A few scares does not a film make. Bye Bye, man.

Evil Bong 420 (2015)

like smokin' dirt weed - gave me a headache

[1/10 · 22 December 2016]

There's nothing wrong with a talking foul mouthed gingerbread man getting a massage by two topless babes and there's nothing wrong with topless babes hanging out in a bowling alley. Right? This could happen. In my world, it does. One too many times. Have you smoked soooo much pot that your bong talks to you, in a Jamaican accent no less. What's the point?! Really. I guess nowadays 'B' movies stand for bad movies. It's all about cranking out crap by filling it with nudity and bad jokes that usually fall flat. No creativity. It's all about quantity not quality. Skip this one. Please don't pass me this joint, I've got a headache.

Halloweed (2016)

Halloweed - gone to pot

[1/10 · 7 December 2016]

duped by the critics and their inflated glowing critiques I was again roped in and wasted 3.99 on this waste of celluloid. This film killed it and I mean the actors involved; their careers are flushed down the cinematic commode; it's back to waiting tables. High points: The clever title and poster. Low points: the whole movie. There's an old man in his ball huggers doing a bong load, there's Tom Sizemore acting over the top as a serial killer getting juiced in the electric chair, there's Simon Rex trying to blow a truck driver and the lead actor has the personality and the acting chops of a crushed snail. How did this piece of turd get the green light?

All Through the House (2015)

Santa had an ax to grind

[8/10 · 19 October 2016]

Santa needs to take a little r and r - it seems he's a little stressed these days. He's on a killing spree and the only one to stop him is his mama. Beware of the one who dons a festive mask and beheads those with a hedge clipper. Michael Myers would be so proud; after a long day of slaughtering dumb college students what better than to relax sit your fat ass on the couch and indulge in some milk and cookies, eh. Santa?! Santa likes to watch dirty girls take a shower then rip their eyes out of their pretty skulls. Santa likes to kill hot topless lesbians. Santa likes to throw your Grandma off a cliff. It's time to light a fire and seal your chimney, Santa is pis*ed and it doesn't matter if you've been naughty or nice.

Girl House (2014)

leatherface goes to a whorehouse

[1/10 · 16 October 2016]

The first hour pays homage to lifetime: sappy meaningless dialogue; the whole movie is a tease. You go on a website like "girlhouse" to see tits and ass not fish bait dancing around in their underwear. The sociopath finally wakes up and snaps donning a mask from the .99 store and goes to town slicing and dicing non virgin wool. "Lover boy" (nice name for a deranged psycho)finally gets his head whacked a gazillion times thanks to some good handy camera work and the main character is now in need of some heavy therapy and prozac. The film needed to be trimmed down a few pounds and the focus needed to be more on "lover boy" and hot ta ta's. Skip this mess and stay with the classics.

The Greasy Strangler (2016)

greasy kid stuff

[1/10 · 10 October 2016]

if you're into seeing old man penis and ass then have I got the film for you. I wish I could end this on that note because really that's what's it all about: lots of old man meat and a son that has a bird penis. The son looks like a tranny and acts like a manic depressive (hmmm. I smell a sitcom in the near future)and he is infatuated with a behemoth dressed up in jerry curls and the hairiest mound since 70's porn. Old man Ronnie drowns himself in grease and strangles people that pisses him off (kind of what I want to do to the creators of this fine mess)that's it and have fun watching an old man fart. Ya, that's good stuff Maynard.

Yoga Hosers (2016)

yoga hosers - take off, eh!

[1/10 · 3 September 2016]

WOW - that's it; that's my review. Thank you & good night! Nepotism alert! Nepotism alert! Hey Kevin, please give me my ten bucks, thanks man. Kevin Smith made a student film starring his friends and family. How does this crap get made?! I'll tell you what though, you will be seeing a lot more of Johnny's daughter, she is a great actress (that's pretty much the only positive I've got) Now let me get to this stinkfest: Two Colleen's run a convenience store in Canada(oddly enough they can't speak a lick of Canadian, eh.) They fall in love with a young Brad Pitt wannabe who wants to sacrifice them (well, of course he does)& then the Nazi sausages attack. These guys are the wurst. This is what the movie is a boot.

Suicide Squad (2016)

suicide squad makes me want to commit suicide

[1/10 · 11 August 2016]

not trying to spoil the fun here people but I didn't get the hype....The first 45 minutes of this CGI overkill blockbuster is okay. We are introduced to the villains or heroes or whatever label you want to put on these sociopaths then it starts to wear out it's welcome. The characters are never fully developed. To me,it's just a game of who can one up each other with one liners and zingers. I didn't laugh. I did not find the humor in it's constant sarcasm and over the top plot. The Joker seemed to be on bath salts and Harley Quinn just wanted a Manwich meal (her libido was on hyperdrive) No movie needs to be over two hours and the ending credits I'd have to say was the best part of the film. Sorry, I'm not a sheep.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016)

mike and dave need a better script

[1/10 · 14 July 2016]

two adult brothers with the personalities of thirteen year old's must find dates for their sisters wedding; what we get is tiresome repetitive try - to - hard forced jokes that land flat. The dates are annoying as hell, acting like female rap stars especially with their speak. I had high hopes for this and as ALWAYS the trailer is misleading. I laughed maybe three times and I cried once when I opened my wallet, twenty bucks to take a nap. Well, it's cheaper than getting a hotel. This was perhaps the longest film I've ever slept through. I don't need to see hairy bush, this isn't 1977. The last twenty minutes is soap opera drama and I tapped out, walked away and ripped my movie ticket. I need a refund.

Holidays (2016)

Holidays needs to take a vacation

[1/10 · 28 June 2016]

one word: horrible! The only saving grace is the first short: Valentine's Day. I could easily watch an hour and a half of this. Once you see this then turn it off. A bullied recluse gets revenge and her antagonist has no heart, literally. The film doesn't focus on the holidays themselves; they are more like the backdrop. Father's day was a long tease and I was pulling my hair out every step of the way. Mother's day had topless witches guarding a prego. Halloween had a misogynist cutting off his weiner with a dildo stuck up his ass. I guess nothing says Halloween like castration. Easter, well what can I say about Easter? Hmmm. The bunny was creepy as hell and kudos to the special effects department - you'll see who the rabbit resembles. Christmas was a gift that I wanted to return albeit the half naked chick was kind of hot. Happy holidays, indeed.

The Funhouse Massacre (2015)

Funhouse massacre - well executed

[9/10 · 18 June 2016]

If you like a lot of cheese on your horror sandwiches then take a bite out of this little gem. It has everything you want in a horror film: humor, your basic characters (jock, stoner, nerd, etc...)and lots and lots of blood. The sets & characters are colorful especially the classroom scene with the dead students. Clint Howard, as always, is hilarious, this time as a taxidermist who takes a liking to people. There is a sadistic, psychotic dentist and a hot deranged woman child all dolled up with mass daddy issues. There is a great twist in the end which hints at a sequel. Grab some popcorn and some beer and leave your brain outside.

Cooties (2014)

cooties - thank god, its not contagious

[1/10 · 4 December 2015]

waited a year for this, awful, just plain awful. You know the movie is gonna suck when the damn thing has been pushed back, not a good sign. The only thing going for it is the promo poster. Let the bitchfest end here and now my opinion: Elijah Wood plays Clint, a worm and a pushover who is a failed writer so what does one do when they have writers block? you guessed it, they teach. Good ol' Clint is now a substitute teacher who has a crush on a high school past. In his way, is a redneck cockblocker, who happens to be the comic relief here. Other whack jobs here are a gay Okie, a socially inept nerd and a kid with a bad perm. They are held captive by rabid kids with a hunger for chicken nuggets and faculty members. There's a crossing guard who's high on shrooms (what crossing guard isn't) and if you look close enough you can see the kids giggling in the background. Throughout the film, Elijah looks like a deer caught in headlights.

Tales of Halloween (2015)

nailed it!

[10/10 · 22 October 2015]

Hello anthologies, you've got competition. This film kicks some horror ass! 10 stories (all excellent!) hitting you like a ton of bricks. What's great is the humor and there is lots and lots and lots - see for yourself. The multi - talented John Landis makes an appearance as does Lin Shaye. I don't want to give much away all I want to say is support this film! Spoiler Alert: since I have to meet the 10 line quota, I will tell you horror fanatics about one story. It goes something like this: A hot brunette dressed up as Dorothy from The Wizard Of Odds is being chased by someone or something that resembles an ugly version of Leather face (is that humanly possible?)She stumbles, as they all do, meanwhile this "thing" is right behind her and he is clutching a human head (righteous!)- she gets back up and runs towards a barn. Once inside, we see human heads decorating the shelves - cut to the chase - she runs out and is killed by something that resembles a sphere. Oh yes, a claymation alien appears and kills the beast (Thank you, mescaline.)

The Visit (I) (2015)

The Visit - Trailer Trash!

[1/10 · 11 September 2015]

What can I say? Misled by a movie trailer, yet again. I should of known better. The trailer gives off this 'cool' horror air to it; crazed, psychotic grandparents. That was so far off the mark. It's basically a film about two young kids who visit their demented grandparents. I walked out. The granddaughter walks around the house filming everything. At one point, I wanted to stick my hands through the screen and smash that video camera to pieces. A couple of scenes are chopped. One scene in particular that annoyed the hell out of me was the 'oven' scene. In the trailer, the grandma demands the granddaughter to "get inside" the oven to clean it. I'm thinking "That's pretty creepy. Grandma is going to bake her." Nope. The granddaughter goes inside the oven for maybe a second tops and guess what, she wipes the oven and NOTHING happens. Why am I livid? I paid 12.00 stinkin' bucks to see a HORROR film (like the trailer depicts) not a drama about senile old people.

Reaper (I) (2014)

The Sleeper

[1/10 · 28 July 2015]

yawn - that would be the whole review.

Beware of movie trailers, in fact, don't watch them anymore. I've learned my lesson. The story, just like the dialogue, is simple and stupid. A runaway gets picked up by a drunk, horny salesman. They end up in a hotel where the dye job blonde whips the salesman with a belt repeatedly (which he oddly enjoys) then ties his ass to a chair. She steals his wallet and his piece of crap car and hightails it outta there. The car, just like the film, runs out of gas. Now comes the B story. Two drug dealers hanging out in a restaurant are popping blue pills that look like Viagra. Where the hell is The Reaper? We are 30 minutes into this and nothing happens except now my eyelids are closing. The blonde backs into the young dealer and somehow they become friends and now she is driving his ass to a liquor store. The dumb ass dealer gets out of the car leaving a bunch of money in her possession so she takes off. Long story short, about 45 minutes into this we are introduced to Danny Trejo's character. The blonde and Danny go back to the hotel. She pulls a gun on Danny and the young drug dude - The Reaper finally shows up again, this time killing everyone in his path and I'm left wondering why? Why didn't anyone kill this dumb broad & why was Danny Trejo's character so damn submissive and forgiving? Come on, Danny Boy. Is it the child support payments?

Inside Out (I) (2015)

inside out of your mind

[1/10 · 30 June 2015]

what a complete waste of time - read all the wonderful reviews that are misleading, obviously these are the people that go to Disneyland about 20 times a year - incredibly slow paced, especially after "JOY" & "SADNESS" get sucked into another dimension where they befriend Bing Bong, Riley's imaginary friend. Wow - it took forever. Bing Bong is the films JAR JAR BINKS, just so annoying and irritating. This is a definite G rated film. I did not see any adult themes whatsoever. This movie makes Winnie The Pooh look like a horror film. This is for 12 year old girls. Parents are so delusional(thanks for the positive reviews Mom & Dad)