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scrawford-12
Reviews
BloodRayne (2005)
Uwe Boll strikes again
Consider this, friend. Uwe Boll is the world's greatest producer. No,no, no, hear me out. Somehow he continually conjures money in extreme sums to make some of the worst movies the world has ever seen, and when he's finished, there's always somebody else waiting to give him more for his next project. Bloodrayne cost $25 mill. His next, Dungeon Siege, cost $60 mill. Who keeps giving this guy cash? Bloodrayne stars one hit wonder, Kristanna Loken (of T3 fame) as, well, Bloodrayne, a half vampire, half human hot-chick floating about a (presumably, although I don't know for sure) fantasy land. She has to save the world from eternal damnation by...doing something. To be honest, the plot is so ill-conceived that I lost interest and only kept watching to see how bad it actually got. Michael Madsen forgets all the good work he done on Kill Bill Vol. 2 and reverts back to acting so wooden it makes Chuck Norris look like an Oscar candidate. Michelle Rodriguez ponce's around delivering her lines with the same conviction as an after dinner mind would. Ben Kingsley. Wow. How the mighty fall from grace. From Oscar gold in Ghandi to looking like and old man dressing in his grandmothers wig and clothes, his role is reduced to an embarrassing cameo. All in all, Bloodrayne doesn't really have that much going for it. Not even the bloody (and I mean bloody) battle scenes could hold my interest. That said, though, I know there will be a few of you out there, like myself, who will put themselves through torture just to say you survived another Dr Boll film. Now, if only they'd sell T-Shirts that said that...
The Aristocrats (2005)
Aristocracy at it's best
Every once in a while you see something in life that makes you fell like you're gonna' bust a gut laughing. Invariably, these things are not considered P.C. Generally, that's what makes them funny. Watching The Aristocrats, one can't help but wonder if even left field is saying, 'Where did that come from?'. An hour and a half analysis of one joke (yes, one joke), The Aristocrats features a handful of the worlds best comedians. Everybody from Billy Connelly to Whoppi Goldberg give their versions of what is really a horrendous joke. The actions performed within the joke are so extreme, so socially unacceptable, you can't image someone like Bob Sagat telling it with such gusto and detail. Shot on D.V. and featuring some of the paciest editing seen in a doco. in some time, the 90 mins. jets past. If black comedy is your thing and you don't have an aversion to extreme language, The Arisocrats makes for a worthy rental. If, however, you don't like language that would make the paint strip from the walls, steer clear.
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
This film will make your head spin
Well, I'll rest my head easy tonight knowing that David Lynch still hasn't crumbled under the Hollywood system and is still making movies that will make your head spin. Like most Lynch films, trying to convey the plot will only lead to hospitalization but Mulholland Dve has something to do with an amnesia chick, an actress, a weird cowboy who talks only in riddles, a frustrated director and Billy Ray Cyrus. I kid you not. Originally conceived as a pilot to a new series, Lych changed his mind and made a feature out of it. Thank god he did. Mulholland Dve is one of the most powerful films I've ever watched and has a tear jerking, Italian version of 'Crying' by Roy Orberson. Insane, powerful, scary and lets not forget confusing, you'll have fun trying to work it all out once the credits have stopped rolling.
Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)
Hellraiser 4
Hellraiser 4 continues the trend established in Hellraiser 3: Hell On Earth, in that rather than making the monsters scary, it makes them characitures, the same way Freddy Krueger went. What started out a fresh, and lets face it, terrifying vision of hell, has rather turned into what can best be described as a comic book version of the same story. This time, Kirsty's character is again been ditched for an insanely one dimensional (that's not to say Kirsty wasn't one dimensional, but hey, she's a Scream Queen) family bloodline (geddit?) called the Merchants. Following the family through the ages from when L'Merchant created the Lament Configuration in France through to a un-unique vision of the future, it shows the Merchant family haunted by the Cenobites in periodic parts of history. This was the first time Clive Barker removed his name from the series, and to be honest, I would too. Very unsatisfying entry.
The Wrecking Crew (2000)
wtf?!
God-awful piece of direct to video tripe that was originally planned to be one third of a long movie but was eventually split into 3 equally Tricia's parts (Thank whoever you will for that decision). Albert Pyun, perhaps best know for Van Damme's 80's cyborgs-kicking-the-hell-outta'-each-other-in-a-wasteland sci-fi classic, helms this piece of muddled 'cinema'. The plot revolves around a whole bunch of bad ass gangsta's in a warehouse somewhere, spouting guff about who owns what turf, who killed who and yadda-yadda-yadda. Then Ice T shows up with his amigos and chaos ensues. I can't really go into too much more depth because, well, that's about as deep as the 65 minute running time allows us to get in I'm afraid. Shot on DV with a 50 cent budget over what looks like a weekend, one can't help but wonder who bank rolls crap like this. Avoid like the plague.