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christiancarden
Reviews
Ahsoka (2023)
cheap looking and non-compelling
I really wanted to like this... love it even, but the first episode gave me a glimpse into to soul of this series and was incredibly taxing to trudge through the rest.
Everything looks cheap, the set dressing, the locations, especially the costumes. Everything is too clean and new, including the camerawork.
The actors chosen to portray the "rebels" are awful, Hera looks like amy schumer... gross. Sabine looks 40, everything is just off... like trying to pass off a bad costume party as a show.
Incredibly disappointing all around, such promise and potential wasted on what i can only point to as bad directing and production. Hard pass on any further dollar store star wars offerings.
The Machine (2023)
blown away
Blown away was a great movie... The Machine was FU@&ING FANTASTIC!!! Completely unexpected gem, so much fun, HOLY SH#T BERT CAN ACT!! I love that he didn't bow to industry standards and lose any weight, in fact he seems to have gone the other way... good job Bert!
Young Bert Jimmy Tatro was incredible, completely captures the essence of Bert! Mark MRFKN HAMILL stole the show as usual, perfect buddy cop team up pair, great chemistry, i bet they had AAA LOTTT of fun making this!
Most surprising was the incredible quality, the sets and clothes and camera work, the directing THE WRITING all very impressive. I love a movie that not only surprises me, but makes me think, and makes me feel... i felt happy and grateful. Bravo.
Andor (2022)
master class in television perfection... with one caveat
Each amazing episode, every unique and brilliantly plotted character, each immaculate set and big screen quality effect is sadly overshadowed constantly and consistently by musical plagiarism. The music in each star wars project is unique and generally at least loosely based on the original score... but in my opinion straying from this isn't a dealbreaker, in fact i'd live to be happily surprised by a brand new theme that cuts its own path, stands on its own two feet.
Somehow... the theme from BBCs flagship series for over a decade SHERLOCK makes its way into each and every episode of Andor. Reminding me 4,5, sometimes 6 times in one 40 minute episode. How did this blatant violation make it past editor after editor, executive after executive. I cannot tell if it's just lazy thievery or perhaps the scores new "author" was watching sherlock while composing this masterpiece. Incredibly disappointing and just ridiculous.
Great show though otherwise.
House of the Dragon (2022)
too much going on and not enough going on
First off, there are ZERO protagonists in this show, everyone is a villain. That coupled with each episode time-jumping 5-10 years giving the viewer no chance to even get to know the complexities of these horrible characters, horrible as in they are all bad guys. I don't care at all about anyone, those that start off as a maybe turn out just like every one else. I get that some stories can have all antagonists and we're left to either root for the lesser of evils or just to observe in that state of dislike. For these reasons, i don't care about the show, i couldn't be less interested in a follow up season, maybe i'll watch it when it ends, maybe i'll forget it exists. I'm guessing Martin gave HBO a rough outline, basically character sheets and let them loose on the script. It reeks of poor structure, and those very basic of character mistakes i described above. What a waste of a great IP.
2000 Mules (2022)
trump fanboy trash
Another fanboy submission from a joke of a director trying desperately to insinuate election fraud where there was none... at least none from the side this anti-american domestic terrorist supporting director points his sad little finger at.
Yet another brick in the wall confirming REPUBLICAN is the new R word.
The sad little man telling stories about another sad little man, clearly there's some sort of sexual relationship between Trump and Dinesh, but it begs the question... out of the two bottoms... who tops? Probably a requiem for a dream scenario where they go butt to butt. Perhaps this sycophants next "project" will be a behind the scenes look at trumps history with raping children and adults?
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)
wow
I've never said "this is so dumb" SOOO many times in my life. I guess the fan-service was enough to garner these ridiculous reviews but not for me. Lazy writing, convenient writing, a pathetic story that basically mirrors that of thanos bit this time from his pov. You can clearly see where each part of this movie is going and predictably it goes right where you think. Not sure who gained anything watching a snuff film of half beloved characters and half who the F was that anyways?! Wanda was predictable trash in the avengers, predictable trash in wanda-vision... and sue hast disappointed here in MOM... ughh stupid title just to spell mom.... really? The only redeeming quality i can scrape off the bottom of this train wreck is America. Too bad wanda had to come along and wanda the whole thing up.
Morbius (2022)
dark and deadly
Not only is this one of the best marvel movies i've seen in a while, it's one of the best horror movies as well. Leto was perfect, as a long time comic reader he fit the bill to a tee. Matt Smith was also on point, great storyline, can't wait to see more!
The Masked Singer (2019)
horrible trash, like we wanna see a terrorist sing
Got low ratings? Invite the killer of democracy to guest, what clown car of idiots thought this would be a good idea, HE LITERALLY HELPED PLAN THE JANUARY 6TH TERROR ATTACK ON OUR CAPITOL and you think ANYONE want to see his dumbassss sing?!
King Richard (2021)
yawwwwn
I'm so confused why this movie was made at all, i mean i'm sure a tiny percentage of the population have some sort of vague interest in tennis but it takes a special kinda obsessive to enjoy this mess. Good casting though, got an out of control Dbag to play and out of control Dbag... not really "acting" is it. I'd wait for this to be in the $5 walmart value bin by christmas.
Bel-Air (2022)
yawwwwwnnnnn
The original was a classic.... this is just ASSIC. Poor attempt at a cash grab, dumb stories, basic characters, this may have done well 20 years ago but it's not close to comparable to what we expect in a 2022 production.
Crown Vic (2019)
solid cop movie
Once again the melting snowflakes on the right are review bombing a realistic portrayal of police officers across the world. Only a few of them completely out of control and a majority of them turning a blind eye to criminal activity including unwarranted violence, murder, theft, coverups, all actively committed by law enforcement daily. Uphold the constitution. Love it or leave it. Merica.
Fear the Walking Dead (2015)
just stupid kids ruining everything constantly
Selfish a$&hole kids doing the dumbest stuff nearly every scene. The horrible parents are almost as hard to watch, never learning, never putting a stop to their children's constant sabotage. When they do "try" to stop their kids, they just abandon the whole cause, the whole reason they have been trying to survive the whole time. They are all idiots, and idiots wouldn't have survived that long. I'm still watching though...it's not a horrible show... i'm just rooting for the zombies now.
Helix (2014)
these reviews are SUS
The acting and writing are not great, but they are not to blame for that whatsoever. What made this series so unimpressive rests squarely on the shoulders of the directors and the people who hired the directors.
To be fair and honest, i'm currently halfway through the second episode, so maybe MAYYYBEEEE the show randomly gets way better all of the sudden out of the clear blue sky... but i'm not holding my breath.
The King's Man (2021)
don't give up halfway through
I almost did... but i stuck it out and was pleasantly surprised. Though this movie struggles to be historical and fantastical simultaneously here and there, over all it was highly entertaining, well written and acted and most definitely well shot and edited. On the edge of my seat hoping for a hitler prequel sequel!
Alcatraz (2012)
amateur crap
This was clearly written and directed by old school 90's has beens. Anytime you see good actors acting horribly, that's a bad director and this screams hack.
Fox just can't seem to learn their lesson, they cancel ACTUAL good shows after 1 season and green light absolute trash like this... which MIGHT last 2 seasons before being canceled. Fox just can't accept the fact that no matter what they produce... it'll never have more views than a youtube video featuring a monkey riding a dog. Tv is dead, long live streaming.
American Siege (2021)
it's not so bad
SOME b acting that can only be blamed on a bad director. It's their job to get the performance they need, and this one did not. That aside, there were som good performances, and an intriguing story. Worth a watch regardless of what the bryce haters claim... doubt they watched it at all.
The Underground Railroad (2021)
i want to give this 10 stars
But the editing and direction of this series is filming trope after filming trope. Long sweeping shots of nothing, characters breaking the 4th wall and staring into the camera as it pans out painfully slowly. This series is about HALF it's shown length. The playtime is doubled with these "artistic" BORING attempts to put a polish on a story that didn't need it. Normally i'd just ignore such an egotistical display, but these incredibly distracting and old film school methods infest the entire series around every corner, turning maybe 30 minutes of dialog and actions into over an hour of barely tolerable "art". This series tells a very important story, unfortunately our storytellers are more concerned with accolades and awards than they were making this story accessible to the average viewer. Too bad.
Barbarians Rising (2016)
worst of both worlds
This was once a DRAMA ONLY series, but the bad acting, cheap costumes and effects lead it to be REEDITED as a documentary... very poorly. This whole thing reeks of extremely low quality producers and directors. Has a great cast that i know can act, too bad they were saddled with this mess.
Brimstone (2016)
confused yawn
I wanted to like this movie, the cast, acting, photography, direction, even the writing STYLE are all fantastic. Unfortunately the editing is absolutely horrible. The time-jumps, poorly executed, just add to the confusion and desperately try and grasp onto your attention with ridiculous plot "twists" and inexplicable and unnecessary cruelty just for the shock value, just to get a bunch of idiots to say "it's dark" in reviews. It's cheap writing, and it's poorly disguised amongst the flashbacks in which everyone looks exactly the same. Reading the same copy/pasted reviews here over and over, it's clear to me the reviews are bought and paid for. This site is trash, just paid ads camouflaged as reviews.
Lost Outlaw (2021)
how... why...
How, in this day and age, does something like this even get on to a script... let alone shot and released?!
Backyard amateur everything, star wars fan fiction puts this to shame... and those are barely tolerable.
Babylon A.D. (2008)
could have been a timeless sci-fi classic
Engaging story, mostly good writing and directing. The first thing that plagues this movie is the cheesy overdone comic book villains that completely stand out and don't belong. They are on par with the horrible villains in batman forever, silly parkour nonsense and lame halloween masks.
The second plague upon this movie is the lead woman character. Just annoying and dragging on the dull moments, at no point in watching this did i ever care anything about her, i half hoped she'd die. They tried and failed to replicate the 5th element characters.
The third is one that plagues nearly every movie that attempts it... aging an actor. It NEVER looks good... it NEVER looks realistic, not then and not now.
I can sum this movie up in two words... wasted potential.
The Good Things Devils Do (2020)
lawsuit waiting to happen
Movie aside.... Love the Jack Skelington-faced pumpkin on the cover art... good luck with that 😆
Blade Runner 2049 (2017)
meh
The large empty echoing sets and long drawn out repetitive silence haunts this beautifully shot sequel. Interesting story but nothing that captures your attention beyond the fan service.
This can be a good thing, as the original is also inundated with the same, in my opinion, flaws.
This movie lacks balance between the "art" it's trying much too hard to be, and the rich and beautifully potential-filled world it's set in.
Also... could have done without the "comic book" villains... less is more, more is annoyingly cheesy.
This was like batman forever meets dune. A shame.
Penny Dreadful: City of Angels (2020)
wow.... sad attempt
From the ridiculously out of place opening sequence, to the point partway through the series where the network panicked and completely drive this series off a cliff. To bad... should have left the completely no related title OFF, and stuck with the period-piece detective drama. These horrible behind the scenes decisions rarely make it to the top tier networks, guess showtime is falling down.
The Walking Dead: World Beyond (2020)
how many people got fired for making this?
A pathetic attempt to carpetbag on the stranger things/IT phenomenon that was clearly not thought out or TESTED whatsoever. Bad everything.