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Reviews
The Black Phone (2021)
Maybe I'm missing something?
In my opinion, moviegoers are pleased too easily these days. The reviews for this would make you think that it's a good horror film - and that's just not the case. It's slow, it's poorly written, it's pretty poorly acted and as a 'horror' movie, it just isn't scary, like whatsoever.
It actually baffles me as to how Sinister, which is clearly a better film, holds a 6.7 rating while this stays in the mid 7s. As much as I like Ethan Hawke, he is massively underused in this. If it wasn't for the ghosts of some dead children, I reckon this film could be a 12 and not a 15. It's a shame because after watching the trailer, I was very much looking forward to it. But like most trailers these days, they're better than the actual film itself.
No doubt other reviewers will mark this as unhelpful because they disagree with my opinion, but at the same time I couldn't care less because half of you wouldn't know a decent film if it smacked you in the face. A generous 5/10. Let's see if 'NOPE' is any better when that hits the screens. I doubt it though.
The First Team (2020)
Cringe worthy.
Don't get me wrong, I loved the inbetweeners - the series were better than the films, but they weren't bad at all. This on the other hand, is god awful. Terrible writing, terrible acting, terrible everything. Give it a miss.
Loose Women (1999)
Painful to watch.
Literally 4 women, who happen to be absolute drips, sitting on a panel gossiping about absolutely nothing.
Any slight attempt at humour is met with hysterics and wooing from the audience.
Honestly, it's over the top drivel that baffles me as to how it's been on air for 20 years. Awful programme.
Clown (2014)
Bang average.
Listen, it's not the worst horror movie that's ever been made, but neither is it all that great. To be honest, it's just like 90% of the horror movies out there - it's a bit meh.
The lead actor does a decent job, the others not so much. It's not a very scary film by any means, it's Eli Roth so of course it's gory, but scary? No. There is little to no tension throughout, and you don't actually see much of the killing (just children's body parts).
The idea was good, and the effects were also well done. Nevertheless, that doesn't save this from being just another average film within what seems to be an ocean of bang average horror films.
6/10.
Possum (2018)
It gets a 4 because of Harris.
I wanted to like this movie, I really did. You just cannot get away from the fact that it is SO boring. Honestly, I was waiting for the film to just wrap up 40 minutes in.
I love Sean Harris, I think he's an extremely underrated actor. He's also good in this, hence the reason it got 4 stars instead of 2 or 3.
I pretty much figured out what was going on around halfway through, not everyone will, but that made the film even more tedious than it already was. I just feel like this could have been a 25 - 40 minute short movie and it would have had a better effect.
Unfortunately not scary, dragged out with some good acting from the, literally, two cast members. A generous 4/10.
Grave Encounters (2011)
Not good..
I really wanted to like this. I've known about the movie since the trailer hit tears ago - I just never got around to actually watching it. Until now.
The movie get's a 3 and not a 2 because the acting is surprisingly not all that bad. The rest is pretty atrocious. It's not scary, the couple of figures you do see are just like seeing Snapchat filters applied to their faces which comes across as cheap.
Yeah, it's really not great at all. Nevermind.
Slender Man (2018)
Pretty damn terrible
It gets a 2* review based solely on the fact that some scenes have decent cinematography, and that's all.
It's not scary, the acting is quite poor for the most part, and the effects really aren't very good. I've seen better CGI in video games and for the budget this film had, that's pretty laughable.
I've seen a fair few 'best horror film I've seen' reviews, and they MUST be fake. Surely. To rate this any higher than a 4 is just a plain lie in my opinion.
Give it a miss. 2/10
Terrifier (2016)
Surprisingly good.
I can't really understand why the movie has such a low rating, understandably it might be too graphic for some people, but that doesn't make it a bad film.
It's 90% slasher, and pretty much does what it sets out to do, which is shock you. Has a B movie kinda vibe to it but it works well. Some genuinely creepy and really f'cked up moments that make Hostel look childlike.
Overall I actually really liked it. Much better than the first in my opinion. Give it a go, because there aren't many decent horrors made nowadays.
Solid 8/10
2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010)
Anything above 1* must be fake, honestly..
Literally one of, if not the worst film I have ever seen. It's not even so bad that it's good, it's just absolutely terrible. The acting is excruciatingly bad, the sound is dubbed over - and not well. It's just an absolute mess from start to finish. If you gave me £6 and a 200mp camera I would have made you a better film.. and I actually liked the first one.