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Reviews
Saltburn (2023)
What was that?
For the first 2 acts, everything is focused on the romance between the 2 characters, it feels like we never get a break from it. It's exhausting. There's nothing really happening externally to their relationship, other than the setting changes from college to a mansion. The obvious solution to the tension between the 2 would be a simple discussion on the nature of their relationship, but the movie needs it to drag on.
The soundtrack is very well done and adds more gravitas to the scenes than they deserve. The music, photography and scenery will manipulate some audiences into thinking this film is artful and powerful, when it's really not.
The characters are all written to be "quirky" to distract from an otherwise uninteresting premise. Felix's parents especially. After his death, they sit and eat lunch like nothing happened. It's eye-rollingly silly and this has been done before. It seems like they deliberately wrote it that way to illicit a strong reaction from the audience, but I'm confused whether I'm supposed to be laughing, perplexed, or disgusted? In that sense, it feels exploitative. In other words, the characters only exist as tools to be exploited to the audience. They don't feel like real people with motivations and desires, which makes it difficult to take anything seriously in this film. There are a number of scenes with only music and focusing for long periods of time on an actor. This time could've been better spent adding meat to their relationship. Although the 3rd act makes it clear that this movie isn't actually about their relationship, but Oliver being a psychopath.
Oliver lies about being an only child and his father dying to gain Felix's affections. In the scene where they meet Oliver's parents, why would Felix allow his lie be exposed without putting up some resistance? It's not like his parents were invited to his birthday party, so I'm confused why they needed to meet them in the first place. Especially with Oliver knowing he'd be exposed as a pathological liar. It doesn't make sense. The events should've unfolded differently- maybe Felix finds out accidentally by answering Oliver's phone and his "Dead" father is on the line.
The scene where Oliver takes off his pants over Felix's grave and thrusts into the ground was so tasteless. Did they have an actual relationship or was it just a sexual fantasy? The twist at the end was somewhat redeeming. However, I felt betrayed by the change in tone because it seemed like this movie was trying to be a romantic drama. I respect the movie for trying to do something different than the usual Hollywood drivel. But ultimately the formula did not work here. It's a depressing, depraved and dark movie. It meanders in it's own self importance and feels like a direct-to-streaming film with a lack of studio oversight.
The Beekeeper (2024)
Embarassing, not even worth pirating
With such a unique and eye-catching name as the Beekeeper, I was excited for this. I thought he'd use the bees to assassinate people, which would've been cooler than the actual movie premise. Then I started asking myself why I'm not watching John Wick instead. Staham in a raspy voice: "Sometimes when there's dysfunction in the hive, you have to take out the queen" lol ok. Is this the product of the writers strike? It would've been more believable if the call center was in India, not Massachusetts. But realism would upset someone. Beekeepers are a rip-off of Treadstone from the Jason Bourne series. The CGI office building explosion left me depressed. My conflusion: If you want real explosions, watch a real movie.
They send a female beekeeper to take out Statham.. you probably forgot about her because she's dead in 30 seconds. Very anticlimactic and utterly pointless waste of runtime. The cringey Scottish guy at the end looks like a bad guy from Streets of Rage on Sega Genesis. Who writes this garbage? I can't believe Miramax put their name on this. This was worse than Thanksgiving 2023. I can enjoy brainless action movies, but this just did not work. Agent Verona Parker's character is so eye-rolling and unlikeable. She just sucked and was not believable as an FBI agent. Statham looks tired, he's less of a character in this movie and more of a plot device. Statham needs to retire, I'm not taking the bait again. He was good in Transporter 1 and The Mechanic, and that's all.
Alpha (2018)
Cute doggo = 10/10 for normies
Everyone giving this movie high ratings cuz DOGGIE CUTE and WOW BEAUTIFUL SCENERY. All of which is computer generated. Revenant told a better survival story. The boy and his dog don't have much of a character arc. There's a snow storm, he falls in the ice but is rescued 1 minute later with no lasting repercussions, there's a CGI tiger that bites the dog which is also over in 10 seconds. Any potential threat is dissolved in 2 minutes and it's clear that neither character is in danger. The lack of any believable threat means there's no tension and the film just putters along. It would've been more interesting if there was an enemy tribe pursuing them or a wolf pack.
The movie pacing is very slow, barely anything happens. There are only 3 characters of consequence if you include the dog. Lots of sweeping landscape imagery with CGI backdrops give an uncanny valley look to many of the shots, along with some unnatural color tinting choices. The movie takes itself too seriously, especially the bland father-son relationship trope which has been done to death. The boy is such an uninteresting character. Too many CGI animals. Is it too much to ask for real animals in a movie? Some of the dog shots are real, but most are (obvious) CGI.
The story is silly and unrealistic. The dog warms up to him almost instantly. Why do people lose all rational thought at the site of a cute dog? Apparently a cute dog and computer generated landscapes makes a good movie to lots of people on here. If you want a good animal movie, watch Homeward Bound.
Thanksgiving (2023)
Tasteless, store-brand version of superior Slasher films
I was excited for this film because the 2007 parody trailer in Grindhouse was campy and hilarious. This film is a complete departure from the OG trailer in tone and style. We thought about seeing this in the theater, and I'm so glad I didn't waste $20 but p!rated it later instead.
Some moments feel jarring and out of place because establishing shots/scenes are missing. Filming basics 101: you have a setup, then a payoff. But the setup is missing over and over so the payoffs have no weight to them. The deaths happen too fast and then the film just moves on. The trampoline scene is just thrown in, but the trailer version was better. There was never any moment where the killer was in trouble or about to get caught. Whether a victim escaped the killer or not didn't matter to me because there wasn't much characterization leading up to the chases. So it's like, who cares?
The gore was tasteless and frankly, MPAA should've slapped an NC-17 rating on this. Specifically the scene where he smashes a guy's head open with a meat mallet. The dumpster scene was ridiculous too, both in gore and just the physics didn't make sense.
In the parade scene, the killer isn't dressed like a pilgrim anymore, but as a clown. I guess to surprise us? I appreciated the few brief humor moments. Movies like this shouldn't take themselves too seriously. Despite the funny moments, the extreme violence and depraved nature of the killings ruined the vibe. I liked the actors even if their Mass accents were over the top. The anxiety of wondering "who's next?" plays well. But ultimately, Thanksgiving is the store-brand version of superior slasher films.
M3GAN (2022)
This could've been good
Badly written characters. Random bully kid because the script needs one, no motivation. Gemma works for a toy company but "Sorry kid, I don't have any toys in my house". M3gan kills the neighbor because of something her dog did? Gemma can engineer a fully autonomous android overnight, but she can't fix the hole in her fence. Asian CEO gets put in his place by Gemma.. then murdered but he deserved it for questioning strong woman. The CEO is greedy and always angry, lazy 2D character. Katie "Cady".. apart from the tantrums, children do not behave like this. Have the writers ever met an 8 year old? All the men in this movie are weak and ineffectual.. the wimpy cop who Gemma shuts the door in his face, the weak assistant who serves no purpose in the film. Typical Seattle beta nu-males. The women are not believable, especially Gemma. They're just shoving it in your face.. LOOK!! WOMEN IN STEM!! SEE?! It's possible!
M3gan herself was well done, her mannerisms, the voice glitches, the look of the doll. There are some scary moments, but it's not enough to save the film or make it even worth watching. It was a clever premise squandered with lazy writing. This could've been good.
White Noise (2022)
Unwatchable
What's with the dialogue? The 1st thing you'll notice is how obnoxious all the characters are, talking over each other before anyone can complete a sentence. There's no room for the script to breathe amidst the pointless rambling, much of it indecipherable. A room full of people talking over each other, all having different conversations. Even the children have instant witty comebacks. It's so cringe and unrealistic and frankly, unwatchable. The movie is washed over with this ugly orange + teal color grading.
Given the recent derailment in Ohio and vinyl chloride contamination, I thought this movie would be interesting to see. Boy was I wrong.
Bullet Train (2022)
All aboard the Cringe Express
I knew this was gonna be bad as soon as I saw the word SONY in the opener. This movie tries so hard to be cool like Snatch, Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels. The characters are cringe, esp Lemon and Tangerine. One has a fixation with Thomas the Tank engine because I guess thats supposed to be funny? Neither character is believable as an assassin, one of them is obese.
The dialogue photography was bad, cutting between 2 shots with their heads centered in the frame. Why try to reinvent the wheel? The camera isn't allowed to fixate on anything for more than 2 seconds because the children enjoying this movie would lose interest.
Brad Pitt's character is on a bluetooth call the first 15 min of the movie. It's tiresome. It reminded me of video games where someone is constantly blabbing in your ear over a radio. The banter is eye-roll inducing.. "Take the gun" she says as his hand hovers over it. Not even 2 minutes later "i sHoULd'Ve tAkEn tHe gUn!" was this written by children? A setup and payoff only 2 minutes apart?
Then the "We killed 16.. no it was 17 people!" argument cuts to a mindless violent montage showing 17 people murdered for a tasteless throwaway joke. These movies are manufactured BY baby-brains FOR baby-brains.
Brad Pitt's a great actor, but even he can't save this uninspired, unwatchable trash. Save yourself some time, there are hundreds of movies better than this. I only made it 20 minutes then deleted it. Forever.
Spin Me Round (2022)
Zany characters make for a charming & polarizing film
The characters are all flawed, making them more believable. Molly Shannon's character doesn't know how to act her age. Alessandro Nivola's character seems like a sleaze-ball, but his trauma could excuse his emotional incontinence. Tim Heidecker's character is the self aggrandizing a-hole with snarky jokes. Aubrey Plaza's character is the wild card. The interactions between characters are well-written, well-performed and believable.
There's a subtlety to the comedy that apparently many reviewers on here overlooked. Many scenes you'll want to roll your eyes or raise your eyebrows at how dumb and self-important the characters are.
The tone of the movie kept me glued: is Amber (Alison Brie) walking into a trap? Is there a conspiracy here? Is this a romance or a slasher? So much of Alison Brie's performance is the range of emotions on her face. That's a lot harder to pull off than exposition. Her character is the only one in the movie that seems normal. There's a fakeness to the CEO, just like "Italian Grove" is fake processed Italian food. He's wealthy and successful, but has no game with women.
The plot gets silly in the last 1/3rd of the movie with the pigs. The viewer is left scratching their heads.. was it all just a big misunderstanding? In the end, you have respect for Amber because she rejects the CEO instead of the usual "happily ever after" fairytale. The beautiful soundtrack and scenery really elevated the experience. Check this out if you enjoy subtle comedies like Rushmore and I Heart Huckabees.
The Northman (2022)
Skarsgård was MADE for this
The actors were great, although Nicole Kidman's plastic surgery was bizarre & distracting. Skarsgård was perfectly cast for this character, and completely believable with his confidence and physicality. He's not emotionally incontinent like so many Hollywood actors. He's stoic and controlled. Some of the voice-overs were silly, reminiscent of video games from the 90s. The viking men were like wolves. The film is drenched with brutish masculinity that some will find off-putting. But I loved it.
The photography & choreography stands out. It helps that Iceland has an other-worldy beauty. I'm not sure how they even filmed some of the long sweeping shots across landscapes, one of which goes on to pan up a river and close right in on the actor's face. They must've used drones? The fight scenes are excellent and don't have any fast cuts / shaky cam nonsense. You can tell the actors rehearsed extensively because their timing is flawless. Some of the night scenes had a strange sepia or color-correction filter to them that looked bad. Music and instrumentation was spot-on for this.
The beginning of the movie has a slow pace and exposition that probably turned off a lot of viewers. But the setup is needed so the protagonist has a motivation for revenge. I almost turned it off, but I'm glad I stuck with it. The love interest wasn't all that interesting, there wasn't any arc to her character. This movie doesn't feel like your typical Hollywood film, and that's 1 thing I really like about it. It feels different and almost primal. It feels like fantasy but still grounded somehow.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
A cinematic embarassment
All the self-referential callbacks are such a distraction and take you out of the immersion in the movie. They retcon the Matrix trilogy into being a video game series? They couldn't come up with a more interesting premise than that?! In 1 scene, they even say the studios name (Warner Brothers) and "bullet time" by name! Tacky. I couldn't understand a word of dialogue from the the blue-haired chick and her British accent felt really out of place. Neo's obnoxious co-worker, was he supposed to be comic relief? What an annoying character.
Some particularly cringy moments were NPH's black cat named Deja Vu.. way too on-the-nose, and a lazy callback to the original. Then there's the guy in the elevator with Neo, he says "I've never been in the presence of a legend before". So cringe watching these pointless new characters kow-tow to Neo. It's taking fan-service too far.
It's also cringy (and boring) how our hero has a therapist. When Neo and Trinity meet in the coffee shop, she mentions how she needs one too. This just makes our heroes look weak. Why normalize people needing therapy? There's so much talking and not enough action. The action scenes have no weight to them because the rules of this dream-world aren't established.
The fight scenes weren't as tight as the original, lot of camera cuts and CGI-doubles. What's the point of re-doing scenes from the original with better graphics? It doesn't add anything and it's lazy fan service.
There's nothing to ponder in the film. There's no tension. The new characters don't matter and will be forgotten. All the clips from the original film had me asking myself why I'm not just watching it instead. I wasn't expecting this to be on the same level as the 1999 film. But this movie spends all it's time connecting dots to the previous films and doesn't stand on it's own. The sequels were dumb but at least had some fun action scenes. This one doesn't even have that. I don't think COVID is going to be the end of movie theaters. It's garbage cinema and remakes like this. How many times are audiences going to take the bait?
Dune (2021)
Boring movie & characters
Tim Chalamet as Paul, he just looks too weak and boyish. Centering the story around whether he's really "The One" has been done to death in cinema. The scene where Paul puts his hand in a box was so dumb & lazily written. He barely shows any pain, instead the director focuses on Paul's mother outside the door having a bizarre monologue that's supposed to be deep and though-provoking, but comes off as vapid and portentous. The first 30 minutes of this film drags, it's so boring. The characters aren't interesting or memorable. All the men speak in a very low register because this movie takes itself too seriously. The women whisper or are crying and hysterical. The dialogue was difficult to hear. There was a short, enjoyable scene of brotherly camaraderie between Duncan and Paul, but it never lead anywhere. The dialogue is so unrealistic, I was rolling my eyes. None of it feels organic but more like exposition with a British accent. What happened to "show, don't tell"?
Weak fight scenes, most of them are in darkness. The shield CGI effect was disorienting and hard to see what was happening between all the camera cuts. Duncan Idaho, the undefeatable alpha-male warrior of this universe, is dead 15 seconds into his fight scene. Really?! C'mon! The thopter scenes were impressive, as were the wide outdoor shots showcasing this massive desert world. This was a nice contrast to the many dark, drably-lit indoor scenes. The sandworm scene consuming the mining tractor was the only captivating scene in the whole movie.
The music was lots of long, bending brass notes like Zimmer did in Blade Runner 2016. There's no discernible theme. It has atmospheric qualities and occasionally rich textures that blend well with on-screen events. But it comes at the expense of harmony & melodies, making for an ultimately forgettable soundtrack. Considering how alien and unfamiliar this world appears on screen, why did they choose such a mainstream composer?
All in all, a visually-impressive CGI spectacle devoid of any playfulness or likeable characters, you'll forget as soon as it's over. I'll be skipping Part II.