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dwashbur
Family: My 3 daughters, 1 ex-wife, 1 black labrador retriever.
Degrees and publications: see http://www.nyx.net/~dwashbur/cv.html
Specialties: biblical Hebrew grammar and linguistics, computer software trouble-shooting, music theory and composition, fixing stuff around the house
Hobbies: walking, writing and playing music, scuba diving, research about Wyatt Earp
Personal heroes: Jesus, Mozart, Wyatt Earp, Desiderius Erasmus, my dad
Favorite place: Idaho (where I live now)
Least favorite place: California (where's that San Andreas fault when you need it????)
Greatest accomplishment so far: my kids
Greatest accomplishment likely to happen: same answer
Personal philosophy: have a really dumb one-liner ready for any occasion. It makes dealing with stupid people a lot more palatable.
Reviews
6 Angels (2006)
This Defines "Low Budget"
Most of the time I had no idea what was going on. The universe this movie creates makes no sense at all, and for the first 30 minutes or so, absolutely nothing happens. When we have the encounters between the good angels and the bad angels, I'm not sure if they're doing astral projection or what is going on, because nothing is ever explained. There are two somewhat redeeming features to this movie: First, the way the girl finally uses her power to defeat the bad guy. That was awesome. Second, Greg Mazzola's eyebrows are absolutely epic. His over-expressive method acting is hilarious, but it wouldn't be half as entertaining without those eyebrows.
But even with epic eyebrows, I can't even call this one a guilty pleasure. It's just dull. It goes nowhere, the story makes no sense, and it was clearly shot on a shoestring, with pretty much no budget at all for effects. The acting is amateurish and the camera work is even worse. Don't bother with this one unless you're planning to riff it. Even then, think twice.
Me & You, Us, Forever (2008)
I Have No Idea What The Point Was
I just finished this movie, and here's the spoiler: NOTHING HAPPENS. We get endless establishing shots of houses and buildings and cars and trees and whatever, slow, boring dialogue that goes nowhere, acting that is on a par with a sixth-grade skit, and no story whatsoever. I was astonished to see the words at the end "Based on a true story." A story of what? A true story where nothing happens, apparently.
Basically, this guy is 47 and divorced and starts thinking about his old girlfriend. His thinking turns into obsession and eventually borderline stalking. There's a woman from his divorce recovery group who has taken a shine to him, but he's much more into his fantasy. He finally flies to New York to see her, they talk for a bit, and he leaves. He goes home, apologizes to the other woman for yelling at her, and the movie ends. THAT IS IT. There is nothing at all to this movie. It goes nowhere, you have no reason to get emotionally invested in anybody except the woman from the group, and even then all you want to do is step into her character and slap him silly.
This may well be the single most pointless movie I have ever sat through. Don't make the same mistake I did.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Totally Silly Fun
This movie is so bad it's wonderful. It's one of my favorite Christmas movies because it obviously doesn't take itself seriously at all. The villain uses an old Wham-O Air Blaster toy to freeze Santa's elves, and you can't help but love Droppo. Even the cheesy theme song is just goofy and fun. Briefly, Martian children don't know how to have fun, but they watch Earth TV constantly and hence know about Santa Claus. The Martians decide they need Santa there to teach their kids how to laugh and be happy, so rather than just go ASK the big guy for help, they decide to kidnap him. Santa takes it all in stride and endears himself to everybody he meets except the bad guy Voldar. Two earth kids get taken to Mars with Santa, and hilarity ensues. The sets, the props, the acting, the lines - you name it, it screams "low budget," but it's done in such a way that you realize everybody KNOWS we're on a low budget so just go with it and laugh yourself sick. Watch it on its own or with the MST3K commentary, and if you don't try to see it as a "real" movie, you'll have a ball.
Xena: Warrior Princess: A Solstice Carol (1996)
Yet Another Christmas Carol - But Fun!
One of the fun things about the whole Xena series is, they're not afraid to make fun of themselves and put their own spin on old tales. In this one, we have a nasty, miserly king who hates Solstice because his wife walked out on him 30 years before on that special day. His latest vile act: evicting an orphanage because they can't pay their taxes. Xena wants to bust heads, but Gabrielle talks her into trying a peaceful way: set him up to think the three Fates are showing him his past, present and future and get him to change his ways. Along the way we meet a toy maker named Senticles, who comes to the rescue by bringing toys to the children and helping set the king up for the shock of his life. Senticles, of course, manages to get the toys to the kids by dressing up in a disguise - bright red suit and big white beard - and sneaking into the orphanage through the chimney. Hmm, Senticles, Santa Claus, ya think???? The king finds his soul, and there are a couple of not-unexpected twists at the end that I won't mention. It's all very predictable and sappy, but that unique Xena slant on things makes it great fun. And of course, Xena does get to bust a few heads, though she uses rubber swords, pillows and the like to do it. Quite enjoyable and worth watching if just for the laughs.
Nunsense Jamboree (1998)
Should have stuck with the first 2
I love Nunsense and Nunsense 2. The blend of fresh humor, excellent acting and music, and the respectful tone the ladies take while still poking fun at life as a nun, make them a joy to watch. So when I saw there was a third one, even though it didn't have the original cast, I was excited to check it out.
It was a big letdown. I have enjoyed Vicki Lawrence over the years, but she should have turned this role down. The gags are stale and forced, and just about everybody has to overact in compensation. Especially disappointing was Deborah Del Mastro as the new "Robert Ann," who overdid the New York accent and mannerisms to caricature proportions. Semina De Laurentis was very believable as Sister Amnesia, but Lawrence never quite slipped into the character. The script may have had a lot to do with that, because it was by far the weakest of the three. Also, the DVD had a big blurb on the case about Rue McClanahan appearing in this installment, but her appearance was maybe 15 seconds long. That hardly qualifies.
If you liked the first two, skip this one. Go back and re-watch the others instead, you'll enjoy it a lot more.
The Twilight Zone: Jess-Belle (1963)
A Low Point
I love the old Twilight Zones. Most of them are so simple yet so profound. But every so often, they did one like this. For starters, it's built around a ballad-type song that pops in every so often to tell part of the story. YUCK! Anybody who writes an episode of any show that way should be sent to bed without supper. There are some cheesy special effects where Jess-Belle is supposed to either vanish or change into some critter. I can forgive that considering the time and technology. But even back then, it could have been done better.
Basically, Jess-Belle wants Billy-Ben, who is set to marry Ellwyn, so badly she visits the old woman of the village who is reputed to be a witch. She agrees to pay whatever the price will be to win his love, and only too late discovers that she has given up her life, her soul and everything else. Now every night at midnight, she changes into an animal. Obviously, in this state she can't marry Billy-Ben even though he's blindly in love with her now.
The story heats up when the local men go hunting for the animal that's ravaging their livestock. By this time Billy-Ben has figured out who it really is, and believes they've killed her. But of course, we're in the Twilight Zone, so no way it's that easy. She keeps coming back as other things and won't leave the young lovers alone.
Ultimately, Billy-Ben winds up going back to that same witch to learn how to kill Jess-Belle for good. But for some unexplained reason, he gets off easy: all it costs him is a handful of money. Excuse me? Her help cost Jess-Belle everything, and he gets it for straight cash? No massive twist at the end where he turns into a duck or an Oldsmobile or something? Give me a break. There are more holes in this story than a box of doughnuts. The pace is slow, and that song is god-awful. I know they can't all be grand slams, but this one never even gets to the batter's box.
Never Say Never Again (1983)
A Decent Diversion, but little more
This "knockoff" James Bond movie has a lot to commend it. Essentially a remake of Thunderball, it is spiced up by a terrific performance by Karl Maria Brandauer as Largo, much more animated and sinister than the original Thunderball Largo (whose name escapes me at the moment). All the cool Bond gadgets are here including a souped-up motorcycle and a pen that is definitely mightier than the sword. The story is okay, though the main plot line about the stolen nuclear bombs tends to get lost quite a bit.
Two characters actually detract from the movie. First, Felix Leiter, from Ian Fleming's second book "Live and Let Die" onward, was a one-legged, one-armed Texas white guy, not a big black hunk of an ex-football player of the type that makes my oldest daughter drool. Even in the movies, Felix was more of an analyst than a field man. Bernie Casey does a good job with the role, but that's just not Felix. Second, and more important, Everett Fox is a TERRIBLE M. Both in the books and the movies, M, as first portrayed by Bernard Lee and then by Robert Brown, was a stern military type who wouldn't take any guff and was always dignified, but fair and always supportive of his people. This guy is a whining, tantrum-throwing bean counter who seems to have as much use for his agents as he has for a third nostril. Lee and Brown should be spinning in their graves every time somebody watches this movie.
That said, Connery turns in a typically Connery performance, Kim Basinger is adorable and sexy, and nobody can help but absolutely love the incredible Barbara Carrera as the red-hot, terrifying lunatic Fatima Blush. She is by far the movie's greatest performance.
There's plenty of action, and the story in its details is different enough from Thunderball to hold a viewer's interest. Still, a remake is a remake, so unless they were to change the ending and blow up a city somewhere or something, it's hard to feel much tension. Die-hard Bond fans like me will watch it because it's a Bond movie, but with a little more thought to casting and such, it could have been a lot better.
Son of the Mask (2005)
It depends on what you expect
If you're expecting a true sequel to the original movie "The Mask" with Jim Carrey, don't watch this movie. If you can't watch it on its own terms for what it is, don't watch this movie. If you insist on comparing it to the first movie instead of letting it speak for itself, don't watch this movie.
On the other hand, if you like pure silliness, especially the Looney Tunes kind, where anything can happen as long as it's as goofy as humanly possible, and you don't mind some effects that are less than perfect (especially the CGI baby; ILM did their best but I wasn't even a little bit convinced) because you just like nonstop slapstick gags that don't have to have a point, watch this movie. I tend to suspect that the folks who have panned it so badly and nominated it for the Razzies are trying too hard to make it a sequel. It's not a sequel, get that through your heads, folks. It's another movie that makes use of the mask, and frankly the similarity ends there. This is a movie about what happens when a BABY, got it? a BABY, and a vindictive dog, get the ridiculous powers that the mask conveys. Taken on its own, it will keep you laughing yourself sick as long as you have a good sense of the absurd. From the first time the baby blew into his thumb and turned his head into a balloon, I was hooked.
The only part I really didn't like was when Avery, wearing the mask, went to the party. That struck me as trying too hard to make a link with the first movie. Don't do it. Let this one stand on its own. It's worth the effort.
And if you can get your hands on the old Looney Tunes cartoon with the singing and dancing frog and watch it before you watch this movie, so much the better. Be prepared for something that's silly purely for silliness' sake and you'll have fun. If you're the kind who takes yourself too seriously, watch something else. You deserve it.