capt_rhodes Reviews

The Shepherd (I) (2008 Video)

Excellent by dtv standards

[9/10 · 11 March 2008]

When I first got wind of this picture, it was just called "Shepherd" and was supposed to be the film that would put JCVD back into chances of doing theatrical shtuff. I was very well excited about the whole piece.

By the time it was titled "The Shepherd: Border Patrol," I was tap-dancing in excitement for this flick. With Isaac Fluorentine at the helm of directing, and JJ Perry pulling stunt coordination, I almost peed me pants in anticipation. Pics were released of JCVD kicking 8 different kinds of arse as well as Scott Adkins playing what I thought was the villain, and I was mind-blown in excitement. I thought it was going to be another epic martial arts situation like Lone Wolf McQuade.

Then it came out. I ordered it off Blockbuster online for $20 and was ready for anything. The reviews from vandammefan.net kinda had my ideas alittle altered, but I braced myself. The mail came on day 4 and I ripped open the package. My initial plan was to rush upstairs, rip the face off the cardboard packaging, then smash the case in the proper dynamics so the disc would land in my DVD player. However, I stared at the case for 10 minutes then placed the disc in my player and watched the film.

By the time it was over, I was cool as a fool in the pool. The Shepherd is certainly one of my all-time favorite direct-to-video films ever and makes Derailed look like even more of the toilet mess that it is. Sure, some of the fights ran a twee bit short, but they were still VERY awesome. The shootouts were superb, as was Scott Adkins, who SHOULD have been the villain, unlike the forgettable Steven Lord.

I highly recommend this flick. Seriously.

Derailed (2002)

Van Damme's worst

[1/10 · 13 December 2007]

This is absolutely JCVD's worst flick ever. Just a terrible attempt at another Die Hard rip-off. We already have the excellent (in its way) Under Siege 2: Dark Territory--why would we need another?!?! Sure, there's 3 DH-on-a-plane's, but why another DH-on-a-train? It's terrible! Pointless parts, terrible dialogue, bad acting, a poor plot, and action that is absolutely AWFUL! I'm a huge Van Dame fan, but this film is where I draw the line. The villain's name is Mason Cole and isn't even INTIMIDATING! CGI smallpox come into play with VERY poor set design. The ending has a CRAPPY CRAPPY CRAPPY plot twist and Van Damme's son looks like he just stepped-off a barrel-rolling 747! The writing and directing is TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE! Parapelegiac turtles have more interesting features than this steaming pile of, well, we know what the final word is. Shame on the crew for such a horrible movie for such a cool action star. Sad. Very. Very. Sad.

Kickboxer (1989)

A Brilliant Martial Arts Flick

[8/10 · 20 June 2007]

This may not be as non-stop fighting as most of his other theatrical releases are, but this film is truly about honor and revenge. His brother, a world champ that looks like A.C. Slater on 'roids, gets paralyzed by the vicious kickboxer Tong Po, the champion of Thailand. Van Damage then takes it upon himself to train by the great master Xian to take kickboxing revenge on Tong Po for his brother's sake, and it's done well. there's about 2 to 3 fights in between the extensive training, which leave something to be slightly desired (except for the brilliant scene where he gets drunk then dances with two chicks and fights, like, 7 or 8 guys. really nice).

Tong Po molests Xian's niece and Van Damme doesn't know this. He finds out at the final fight that it happens and he fights bare-knuckle. Really neat slow-motion kicks follow, as well as punches where he stares at his greasy fist afterwards and has this endless ".....eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............."

The direction of the film is really something special and well done, as well as dialogue and character development. And yes, people, Van Damme shows his butt once again. I recommend this film for people who just want to sit back and watch either an action flick or a martial arts film about valor and honor. And, of course, he has a make-out scene with Xian's niece by the woods in the dark while it thunders outside. Nice romance. Buy this film, but don't make the same mistake I did by getting the whole box set with sequels. Ugh. Have fun--8/10.

Catwoman (2004)

Try CRAPwoman

[1/10 · 24 July 2006]

Okay: first off, her name is not Selina Kyle in this. It's Patience Phillips. Bad move. Second off, the cats were used in the worst CGI I have ever seen. not so great move. Third off, this movie was just flat-out stupid. notice I said "was". As in I will never see this movie more than even HALF of once. The plot is weak, the acting is weak, and the whole film is awful. The "catnip ball" scene defines retarded. Sharon Stone didn't exactly seem like the perfect villain. Even the character she played in Total Recall could take her on. The CGI in this isn't good. I hate overused or even weak CGI, and this just draws the thick, white line on the pavement.

This is NOT like the comics. Given the fact of how crappy it is 22 minutes into the film, I stopped watching it.

So many comments are pathetic and bland. it's 1:15 in the morning. Just take my advice and forget this ever happened. Please.

Superman Returns (2006)

Magnificent

[10/10 · 5 July 2006]

It appears that Bryan Singer has worked his movie magic yet again, but this time on a completely astonishing approach. he left the X-Men saga to direct a masterpiece on one of the greatest super-heroes of our time, Super-Man.

The beginning left me alittle unsure, but towards the end of the beginning, i could tell this movie would surely top it all. Brandon Routh tosses us a curve-ball with glorious acting skills and amazing portrayal of the Man of Steel.

Kevin Spacey shows us a dark, fiendish Lex Luthor, out to get revenge on Super-Man. and by the gods, he does magnificently. He makes us fear a true super-villain, unlike the works of films like Spider-Man and HULK. This, in my humble opinion, is the greatest super-hero movie ever. heck, ever my MOM cried during the film. i was touched by this masterpiece, as should others by this latest installment to the Bryan Singer saga of films. I hope that this film will one day make the top 250, and that you will all realize even the most unlikely of films can move more people than Harold & Maude(lol)

Fantastic Four (2005 Video Game)

eh...............

[3/10 · 4 July 2006]

to tell the truth, the commercials made this game look like a Chuck Norris flick. Boy, the advertising can sure screw a guy over.... this game is poor. barely follows the storyline of the movie at all. the bosses towards the beginning have outrageously tiny weak-points, if not one EXACT. The 2-player mode has extremely screwy camera angles and weak side-missions. This is the one of several super-hero games i do not recommend(including X-Men: The Official Game, Spider-Man, and HULK). The gameplay supports a few good controls and statistics, but the health meters seem near-endless on average enemies.

The bosses become insanely difficult and support a crazy challenge. This game starts with good tutorials but the 2-player tutorial supports android 2nd-players that look like a love-child of Robosapien and Twiki from Buck Rodgers. The tutorial boss is virtually pointless and just takes this game off-course. Ben Grimm's love interest tags in on a random wing of gameplay. In otherwords, don't even think about a purchase.