eshmana Reviews

The Old Oak (2023)

Unmistakeably Loach

[8/10 · 23 May 2024]

Watched after a recommendation from a friend, and within a minute in I knew it was a Loach film without knowing that beforehand.

This is such a necessary film. It's a political film. I watched it a day after Sunak announced there'd be an election on the 4th July, with him and Starmer squabbling over who has the best strategy for 'stopping the boats'.

Starmer kicked Loach out of the Labour Party and welcomed with open arms the actual Tory MP Natalie Elphick -whom even Tory MPs considered far right-wing. A former Labour Party member, I can't vote Labour because I'm with Loach.

I've seen this first hand when the Kosovo refugees came over. A minibus pulled up one evening outside my flat and half a dozen refugees got out. I went down to offer my support just as one of my neighbours came storming towards us swearing about charity starting at home, veterans having to sleep on the streets, etc.

Ali moved in next door to me. He remains one of the best neighbours I've ever had. I gave him torches and candles when the lights went out, he knocked on my door with food.

This film is filled with tragedy, despair, and hope. I loved it.

Manifest (2018–2023)

One and two, then..

[6/10 · 23 May 2024]

Fantastic beginning then it slowly grinds down and becomes just another series that just drags on. It's cheesy. The music is cliched, with all the artists sounding like they went to the same singing school -the one where their voices are oh so pained. The script is good, sometimes great, and often delivered to perfection. SO many scenes tug at the human condition, about love and loss and all the things that are supposed to matter. I immersed myself in it and found that choked me plenty.

But as is dragged into serioes two if felt like it was being padded out with events that didn't add anything.

The start of series three just had me puzzled, then annoyed very quickly and I bailed. There was no context and no explanation. A shame.

Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018)

So bad I didn't even watch it.

[2/10 · 4 April 2024]

I gave this two stars after watching about two minutes of it. It's THAT bad. I honestly believe tha you can instinctively guage how bad or good some films are in that sort of timespan. Two minutes. The idiotic narration, empty beer bottles floating in a swimming pool, somebody saying it's ten years sonce the 'monsters' were beaten and that he isn't his father. It shouldn't be possible to rate a film after such a short watch, but it is. I was being generous with two stars, giving it the benefit of the doubt, but after seeing the review comments I know my instincts were correct. It's taken me longer to write this review than I spent watching the film. It's THAT bad. Do yourself a favour.

Why did nobody point out to the director, the producer, just how awful the introduction is? How can they think people are going to want to watch such garbage after the first two minutes? I despair.

Breathtaking (II) (2024)

Heartbreaking

[10/10 · 22 February 2024]

That people are reviewing this in a negative way depresses me beyond belief. Unless they were working for the NHS on the frontline thier opinion is worthless.

This is possibly the hardest-hitting series I've ever watched. The performances from the entire cast are superb; Joanne Froggatt is phenomenal -I don't think ANYONE could have played this role better than her.

It brought me to tears time and time again. I was SO angry watching it. The lies by Johnson, the contempt by Hancock, the dismissal of the situation in favour of the economy by Sunak... these people should NEVER be forgotten, NEVER be forgiven. Hunt, who ran down the NHS on his watch, was another.

Comfort yourselves with your whacko conspiracies if it makes you feel better, but you couldn't have been there if you believe this is propaganda. I feel sorry for you and pray that you never need the people you are in such contempt of.

Alice & Jack (2023–2024)

Alice and Alice

[1/10 · 17 February 2024]

I got to '3 months later' or as long as it took me to eat my sea bass, cabbage, kale, and carrot/potato/swede mash tea.

Alice is HORRIBLE. A REALLY horrible person. If she was real she'd be one of the most horrible people I've ever met. A horrible, nasty, self-centred, aggressive, narcisstic user.

Jack seemed like a nice guy. The sort of person you'd shuffle up on a bench seat in a pub to make room for and be glad you did because he's just a nice, unassuming guy. The sort of person I like and want as a friend -unlike Alice, who got more time than she deserved only because I had a big plate of fish and veg for tea.

As soon as I finished my tea I turned it off. Because Alice is horrible.

I don't care how well it was acted or if it got better. I'm a bit annoyed that I watched it for so long. I should have had a bag of crisps for tea.

Robin Hood (2018)

I gave this the benefit of doubt...

[2/10 · 1 January 2024]

I managed 10 minutes and 20 seconds of this before I gave up. It was 10 minutes longer than I should've given it. I should've trusted my instincts 20 seconds in.

There have been plenty of Robin Hood films and I'm no great film reviewer or critic, but this is bottom of the pile stuff. At best, I imagined it might be a '300' type new interpretation, but '300' is great and... this isn't.

Russell Crowe nailed Robin Hood. Kate Blanchet is Marion. I didn't get to Will, Little John, Tuck, the Sheriff, Richard, or any of the others in this woeful, hopeless, mess of a Robin Hood.

The only reason I gave it a 2 is because I didn't watch it. That's benefit of the doubt. I'm lost for words really and I've just been padding this out to a) meet the minimum character limit, and b) try to warn people that this is an utter waste of your precious time on Earth. Why anyone would fund this garbage is a mystery to me. By-pass, by-pass, by-pass.

Pig (I) (2021)

This little piggy went to market...

[5/10 · 9 December 2023]

This is a film about power, and the two things that the powerful fear most of all: love and respect. Because deep down the powerful know that they can have everything except those two things.

I like Nicholas Cage and I like his films. I think he's hopeless as an actor and his films are generally trash. This is no exception, so I'm happy about that. I enjoyed it in a Nicholas Cage kind of way. He's actually quite good in this because he does even less acting than usual; the plot required that he didn't wash or speak to anyone for ten years and he's pretty convincing in that respect.

It should be a beautiful film, but it falls short. It manages to be a thoughtful film -just about. It feels like the American re-make of a much better French film starring Eric Cantona and set in the Ardennes. Juliett Binoche would be in the original, though I'm not sure how. And Gerard Depardieu if he's even still alive.

The cinematography is top notch. Even the direction is pretty good. But the sound... it wrecks the film. SPEAK UP, Nicholas! STOP MUMBLING for Godssake! The script is random and obtuse and probably profound, but you need perfect ears and I haven't got perfect ears.

There's a pig in it.

Midwinter of the Spirit (2015)

Excellent

[8/10 · 4 December 2023]

Excellent mini-series. This is how I want to watch TV (I'm 8 years late with the review but it's currently on ITVX). Succinct, compact, no wasted or drawn-out scenes. Three eposodes is perfect. Get it over with in a night.

Okay, so it's a little predictable villain-wise, but it weaves mysticism, religion, history, probably a fair bit of mumbo-jumbo, family problems, and is creepy enough to make you check that your doors are all locked before you turn in at night.

It's also a detective story as much as anything; think the da Vinci Code in Hereford. Sort of.

Get a bottle of wine out and knock yourself out.

The Couple Next Door (2023)

terminally drawn out

[3/10 · 4 December 2023]

This might have worked (almost) had it been three episodes, but it was just overworked in six.

The characters were annoying (not necessarily a bad thing in this case) but it was as though even they got bored halfway through and whoever was directing them all didn't look like they were getting the best out of the actors.

The plot became a little too predictable and there was an absence of real tension, which it should have had in abundance.

Subplots padded it all out but weren't resolved, leaving you wondering why they'd been shoved in at all.

Intellectually unchallenging, too much mush, and an unsatisfying ending.

The Inner Circle (2019)

Get in the sea.

[3/10 · 25 June 2023]

I watched this so that you don't have to. Scandinavian series have been consistently good for years but this is just hopeless. The opening scene resurfaces towards the end (literally). It shouldn't.

It's difficult to know where to start with the criticism. The casting must be the worst casting in cinematic history. The direction is off-key throughout. The script woeful, and the actors -if you can call them that- are school-play calibre. The pace of some scenes is mistimed and even the score fails to uplift what are supposed to be the more dramatic scenes.

The lead character's brother is possibly the most irritating character ever to appear in front of a camera. The Haircut is ridiculous beyond belief and distracts you from what's going on in every scene he's in.

The only redeeming feature is the plot -but that's handled badly and doesn't stand a chance with the poor quality of everything else. Give it a miss.

Braven (2018)

Hopeless

[2/10 · 13 May 2023]

Why are 600 characters needed for reviews now? Films like this aren't worth 600 characters. This film isn't worth 60 characters.

This is a hopeless film. Other than having a beefy lumberjack kinda guy as the lead role it has absolutely nothing going for it other than the scenery -and even that is overrated, as though reviewers are clutching for something positive to say about it.

The plot is linear, dumb, and unimaginative. The acting is third-rate. The script is terrible, as is pretty much everything else. There's way too much pointless violence as the 'hero' dispatches stupid, stereotypical villains with axes and primitive weapons when the bad guys have machine guns. Avoid.

The Undeclared War (2022)

more than the sum of its parts

[9/10 · 17 September 2022]

The acting isn't great, the side-stories are unnecessary, it has to be low on plausibility for a work-experience temp to get so involved, and I've no idea how accurate the tech is... scratch that last point because we all KNOW that the tech is possible. Deep fake anyone? Cambridge Analytica anyone? Election tampering? (and that's just the layman stuff).

This is scarily realistic if taken as a whole, especially with untrustworthy governments that seem to be out of control right now. Can the internet be trusted with anything anymore? Probably not, and this excellent mini-series shows us exactly why.

It will undoubatably seem boring and dull to those looking for simple action, and will possibly have nerdy techies rolling around the floor laughing, but for the rest of us, it's worth a watch.

(D)evil's Throat: Djavolskoto Garlo (2019– )

Painful

[4/10 · 5 September 2022]

This tested me to the limit of what I can bear to watch as it slowly descended into trash. The acting is hopeless, the characters unbelievable, the script truly embarrassing, direction is directionless, and the plot nowhere near as intriguing as it thinks it is.

Then there's the the most inappropriate soundtrack of all time -a poor version on 'Scarborough Fair' (pronounced, annoyingly, 'Scar-bo-roh'). Why are English language songs in a Bulgarian series?

The scenery is the only good bit about this and there isn't enough of it.

I wanted it to be so much better, but it isn't.

I'm struggling to hit 600 characters for this and don't know why there's a minimum number of characters now; not everyone wants to read essays for reviews.

The English Patient (1996)

I've always loved this film

[10/10 · 17 July 2022]

Twenty years ago my three favourite films were The Usual Suspects, Pulp Fiction, and The English Patient. Twenty years later they're still my favourite films.

The English Patient remains a magnificent cinematic achievement, a beautifully crafted film. The direction, production, script, casting, acting, and cinematography are all masterful.

It won't suit everyone. Yes, it's a slow film, but still perfectly paced. It's a romantic's film.

It deservedly won 9 oscars. The low rating on IMDb has always puzzled me.

Midnight in the Switchgrass (2021)

Garbage

[2/10 · 26 June 2022]

One of the trivia facts is that Bruce Willis filmed ll his scenes in just one day. I think the entire film was made in one day. This is very, very poor. I might have given it three stars rather than two if they'd claimed this was a true story (done badly), but there really aren't any excuses for such hopeless one-dimensional film-making. Why is Bruce Willis putting his name to such rubbish? He can't need the money. Do yourself a favour and don't even consider this.

The Drowning (2021)

I'm a music teacher...

[1/10 · 16 May 2022]

I'm not actually a music teacher, but come on, there's no way someone without any teaching experience would have a two-minute interview and get hired as a teacher in a secondary school, having been fast-tracked courtsey of a forged background document.

That's about as far as I got. The premise of this is an insult to anyone's intelligence.

The Last Thing He Wanted (2020)

Eh?

[1/10 · 24 April 2022]

Watched ten minutes, counldn't make head nor tail of it, so ditched it. Came on IMBD to read the reviews to see if I was maybe missing something and should perservere, but it seems most other people were as baffled as me.

The Pirates: The Last Royal Treasure (2022)

Jack Sparrow meets Monkey

[5/10 · 17 March 2022]

This is what you end up with when you mix up the scripts of Pirates of the Caribbean with the 70s trash 'Monkey' (or the Water Margin, which was even more unfathomable). Somebody might be able to make some sense of this but I couldn't. It's overacted to the nth degree, which just gets tiresome; even Jim Carrey can't compete with range of idiot facial expressions on parade here.

For all that, it does have its charms, and managing to get to the end of it felt like a triumph of sorts. Not recommended, but not dismissed either.

Breach (IV) (2020)

Depressing

[2/10 · 19 December 2021]

I would've given this 3 except for the final scene, which made me wonder if they're actually planning a sequel. Please, God, no. This is THE worst sci-fi film ever made. Infantile.

Comes a Bright Day (2012)

A gem

[8/10 · 12 December 2021]

One of those quiet, overlooked, films that the British do so well. It has its flaws but they're more than made up for with the script, acting, direction, and quirky romance. It's slow-moving, violent, touching, and intelligent. Perfect for a quiet night in.

The Last Legion (2007)

Ha ha

[4/10 · 5 December 2021]

How did such a cast get dragged into this tosh? It rattles along at a fair old pace but that's all it has going for it. It's woeful in every single department and the whole is a tragic mess that can't make its mind up whether it's comedy, action, farce, epic or disposable nonsense (it's the latter).

What on Earth were they thinking?

Shooter (2016–2018)

A bit lame

[4/10 · 30 November 2021]

The premise is good but there are just too many flaws to keep me interested. From the stupid way he stays in contact with his wife, and the unnecessary sloppy love stuff, to daft things like him using an adjustable spanner on God-knows how much worth of hi-tech rifle when someone like that wouldn't have used anything cheaper than Snap-On. And the prison break... give me strength. The script is poor, the acting not much better, and I bailed after a few episodes. A pity, because the actual shooting stuff is compelling.

The Rhythm Section (2020)

Unconvincing

[4/10 · 27 November 2021]

Has all the right ingredients, but it's woefully mis-cast. Wants to be sharp and sassy, with a right-on soundtrack, but feels laboured and contrived. Dull.

Jarhead 3: The Siege (2016 Video)

Awful

[2/10 · 25 November 2021]

This isn't a film, it's a stupid laddish bullet-fest and nothing more. Guns, guns, and more guns, unleashing a million rounds, making lots of noise, and completely bombing.

Mission of Honor (II) (2018)

Dire.

[4/10 · 20 November 2021]

Poor acting, poor direction, poor script, poor everything. The only scene that works is in the pub when one of the English toffs gets head-butted by a Polish pilot. The romance is stupid and superflous.

This should've been a great film, but instead it's a mess that's unworthy of the pilots.