MASSIVE MASSIVE SPOILERS OK?
I just saw it on Cable. OK I lied, I saw bits and pieces. I kept flipping back to see if it would improve, but found the NOVA special on Gamma rays more exciting (For the record I am a horror freak and even loved the latest Beyond Reanimator and think Bubba Hotep and House of 1000 Corpses were among the best films of the last year.)
Here's the problem... It's a novel written by 2 authors turned into a screenplay by 4 screenwriters.... horror by committee ... the too many soups spoil the chef or something like that. Lets face it this piece of trash is your generic horror rip off of every successful money making horror hack piece since Alien, Predator etc with no original redeeming elements.
Speaking of soup ... well it starts with one ... in an Amazonian witchcraft ceremony ( I was tempted to sing Double Bubble Toil and Trouble in Soprano.... loved the Vienna Boys Chior version in the latest Harry Potter)
In the interest of saving you 2 hrs of your life, here's what I saw in your basic "Every Horror Cliché Including the Cauldron"
Voodo, Couldron, White Man Drinks,Witch Doctor in Grass Wing and Monster Tusks Pounds Floor, White Man screams hysterically "It's You!"
Ship Is Leaving with Crates containing Monster, White Man tries to stop Crates, Captain is Late, Bows him off, White Man sneaks on Board..Ship Arrives ... everyone's dead
Did you know that after 30 years they finally discovered the source of seemingly random gamma ray bursts in the universe were created by giant stars collapsing into black holes with such force that the spinning debris creates pure energy conversion on the order of the complete mass of the sun instantly converting into pure energy?
Shots ring out Somebody Screamed Down the alley the Ice Wagon Flew You Should have Heard Just What I seen (props to Bo Diddley)
Lots of Blair Witch Face Screaming in Flashlight Closeups...Down in the Sewer System Monster Eats Screaming Panicking Victims
All but Doc Babe and Cool Cop Die, Cool Cop Gives Doc Babe A Bullet Babe Doc Sticks Bullet Between Her Breasts And Pulls on Rubber Gloves (Hot)
Monster Version of Aforementioned Witch Doctor Chases Screaming Babe Into Her Chemical Lab (Dooya Tink She Gonna Makey Chemical Firebombstuffexplosion?)
Flaming Monster Skeleton Chases Doc Babe ..Doc Babe Says "Go To Hell" and not being Ahnuld Tehminatoh, monster dies.
Firemen break into Lab, Old Geek Cops Nod and Mumble
Doc Babe Smiles, Cool Cop Smiles ..Doc Babe pulls Bullet from Between Breasts...Cool Cop Says "Keep it" And They Step Over Incinerated Tusk
The End
Save your time, watch a documentary on PBS, there are plenty of good Horror Movies past present and probably future, this is not one unless you are really inebriated or just plain dumb.
I just saw it on Cable. OK I lied, I saw bits and pieces. I kept flipping back to see if it would improve, but found the NOVA special on Gamma rays more exciting (For the record I am a horror freak and even loved the latest Beyond Reanimator and think Bubba Hotep and House of 1000 Corpses were among the best films of the last year.)
Here's the problem... It's a novel written by 2 authors turned into a screenplay by 4 screenwriters.... horror by committee ... the too many soups spoil the chef or something like that. Lets face it this piece of trash is your generic horror rip off of every successful money making horror hack piece since Alien, Predator etc with no original redeeming elements.
Speaking of soup ... well it starts with one ... in an Amazonian witchcraft ceremony ( I was tempted to sing Double Bubble Toil and Trouble in Soprano.... loved the Vienna Boys Chior version in the latest Harry Potter)
In the interest of saving you 2 hrs of your life, here's what I saw in your basic "Every Horror Cliché Including the Cauldron"
Voodo, Couldron, White Man Drinks,Witch Doctor in Grass Wing and Monster Tusks Pounds Floor, White Man screams hysterically "It's You!"
Ship Is Leaving with Crates containing Monster, White Man tries to stop Crates, Captain is Late, Bows him off, White Man sneaks on Board..Ship Arrives ... everyone's dead
Did you know that after 30 years they finally discovered the source of seemingly random gamma ray bursts in the universe were created by giant stars collapsing into black holes with such force that the spinning debris creates pure energy conversion on the order of the complete mass of the sun instantly converting into pure energy?
Shots ring out Somebody Screamed Down the alley the Ice Wagon Flew You Should have Heard Just What I seen (props to Bo Diddley)
Lots of Blair Witch Face Screaming in Flashlight Closeups...Down in the Sewer System Monster Eats Screaming Panicking Victims
All but Doc Babe and Cool Cop Die, Cool Cop Gives Doc Babe A Bullet Babe Doc Sticks Bullet Between Her Breasts And Pulls on Rubber Gloves (Hot)
Monster Version of Aforementioned Witch Doctor Chases Screaming Babe Into Her Chemical Lab (Dooya Tink She Gonna Makey Chemical Firebombstuffexplosion?)
Flaming Monster Skeleton Chases Doc Babe ..Doc Babe Says "Go To Hell" and not being Ahnuld Tehminatoh, monster dies.
Firemen break into Lab, Old Geek Cops Nod and Mumble
Doc Babe Smiles, Cool Cop Smiles ..Doc Babe pulls Bullet from Between Breasts...Cool Cop Says "Keep it" And They Step Over Incinerated Tusk
The End
Save your time, watch a documentary on PBS, there are plenty of good Horror Movies past present and probably future, this is not one unless you are really inebriated or just plain dumb.