A few things I learned from Boa vs Python:
1. When you get your women naked right off the top (and what good film maker wouldn't)... make sure that they scrub down with dish soap and a plain orange sponge in as sexy as way as humanly possible.
2. To show tension in a forest scene when a large, unseen predator is disturbing the local animal life: Go to your local pet store and folly in the sound of budgies squawking. This will REALLY pull off the effect that something ain't right in them woods!!! Besides, most woods outside Philly are CRAWLING with budgies. Or was it Pittsburg? Okay... if it was Pittsburg... my mistake. Those woods are rampant with pets.
2a. Garter Snakes squeak when you chuck 'em around. Bet you didn't know that, all you Animal Planet loving people, did you! Don't let small things like facts get in the way of the action.
2c. People who work with dolphins, spend time with dolphins, all that jazz... you know... animal people... the first thing they'll do when they encounter a snake in a glass tank is, pretty obviously, start rapping on the glass. That stuff you hear about "never knock on the glass" when you're a pet stores and zoos... well, they're making that up. It NEVER startles or deafens the animals. That's why people in movies who are supposed to be in the field of zoology do it. They know that it's a made-up rule of thumb. And it's a good set-up to a damn funny joke.
3. Even multi-millionaires who hunt ridiculously large animals for sport have their problems. For example: When transporting said large animals, rent a truck to do it in. Because when you have your own jet (with a BATHTUB!!!) you probably don't own trucks. Make sure that you get the truck with the modified ridiculously large animal transport container.
3a. When the ridiculously large animal escapes (and how could it not???) show the human side of your millionaire by having a customer service rep from the trucking company CALL your millionaire to inform him of the problem. When your millionaire demands answers, have the CSR tell him that she'll have to get her supervisor. Hey... when you're globe-trotting on your own jet, you DO make all these arrangements yourself with your local truck rental dealer.
4. Get in touch with those emotional back-stories with lines to the effect of: "Gee, to try and find a cure for snake poison... you must have some incredible psychological reason for doing that!" Really, the audience will thank you for getting straight to the exposition.
5. It doesn't matter that the two "teens" who are making out in a car look like a mother and son making out in a car. No one will notice! Besides, they're just snake fodder anyway! Gee... there must be some deep seated Freudian reason for this... Cue exposition.
6. SAVE MONEY ON CGI. All you have to do is "suggest" that a large snake is roaming around peoples feet by showing them "reacting" to it. So what if sometimes you show a scene where a snake SHOULD be and isn't. As long as you have actors to act like one is there, the audience will fill in the blank.
7. People don't need to see some actors faces. Especially when they're minor characters... like second in command of an elite group of FBI agents. Minor character... handful of lines... have her deliver them AWAY from the camera. That way we really connect! And it saves time with the ADR.
8. Always... ALWAYS... end your movie in a subway station. Even if you have to jump from a rave DIRECTLY AND WITH SOME SORT OF MAGIC to the subway station... ALWAYS end it there...
9. Be sure to set up for the sequel! Don't be too obvious. Make sure you give them special, fancy, snake fighting clothes! It looks tres cool.
10. On the cover of the DVD... ALWAYS, and I mean always... show a helicopter firing missiles at two large, fighting snakes. It doesn't matter if your movie has nothing like that in there. The cover for Citizen Kane shows a guy making a speech or something... and I'm pretty sure that's not in there... oh wait... it is??? F@CK!
So... all in all... I actually recommend seeing this movie. In the right setting, you'll laugh your arse sore. Just keep in mind that if this was SUPPOSED to be a comedy... or if you actually fixed all the stuff I mentioned above... this would be just another gigantic, steamy pile of boring crap.
1. When you get your women naked right off the top (and what good film maker wouldn't)... make sure that they scrub down with dish soap and a plain orange sponge in as sexy as way as humanly possible.
2. To show tension in a forest scene when a large, unseen predator is disturbing the local animal life: Go to your local pet store and folly in the sound of budgies squawking. This will REALLY pull off the effect that something ain't right in them woods!!! Besides, most woods outside Philly are CRAWLING with budgies. Or was it Pittsburg? Okay... if it was Pittsburg... my mistake. Those woods are rampant with pets.
2a. Garter Snakes squeak when you chuck 'em around. Bet you didn't know that, all you Animal Planet loving people, did you! Don't let small things like facts get in the way of the action.
2c. People who work with dolphins, spend time with dolphins, all that jazz... you know... animal people... the first thing they'll do when they encounter a snake in a glass tank is, pretty obviously, start rapping on the glass. That stuff you hear about "never knock on the glass" when you're a pet stores and zoos... well, they're making that up. It NEVER startles or deafens the animals. That's why people in movies who are supposed to be in the field of zoology do it. They know that it's a made-up rule of thumb. And it's a good set-up to a damn funny joke.
3. Even multi-millionaires who hunt ridiculously large animals for sport have their problems. For example: When transporting said large animals, rent a truck to do it in. Because when you have your own jet (with a BATHTUB!!!) you probably don't own trucks. Make sure that you get the truck with the modified ridiculously large animal transport container.
3a. When the ridiculously large animal escapes (and how could it not???) show the human side of your millionaire by having a customer service rep from the trucking company CALL your millionaire to inform him of the problem. When your millionaire demands answers, have the CSR tell him that she'll have to get her supervisor. Hey... when you're globe-trotting on your own jet, you DO make all these arrangements yourself with your local truck rental dealer.
4. Get in touch with those emotional back-stories with lines to the effect of: "Gee, to try and find a cure for snake poison... you must have some incredible psychological reason for doing that!" Really, the audience will thank you for getting straight to the exposition.
5. It doesn't matter that the two "teens" who are making out in a car look like a mother and son making out in a car. No one will notice! Besides, they're just snake fodder anyway! Gee... there must be some deep seated Freudian reason for this... Cue exposition.
6. SAVE MONEY ON CGI. All you have to do is "suggest" that a large snake is roaming around peoples feet by showing them "reacting" to it. So what if sometimes you show a scene where a snake SHOULD be and isn't. As long as you have actors to act like one is there, the audience will fill in the blank.
7. People don't need to see some actors faces. Especially when they're minor characters... like second in command of an elite group of FBI agents. Minor character... handful of lines... have her deliver them AWAY from the camera. That way we really connect! And it saves time with the ADR.
8. Always... ALWAYS... end your movie in a subway station. Even if you have to jump from a rave DIRECTLY AND WITH SOME SORT OF MAGIC to the subway station... ALWAYS end it there...
9. Be sure to set up for the sequel! Don't be too obvious. Make sure you give them special, fancy, snake fighting clothes! It looks tres cool.
10. On the cover of the DVD... ALWAYS, and I mean always... show a helicopter firing missiles at two large, fighting snakes. It doesn't matter if your movie has nothing like that in there. The cover for Citizen Kane shows a guy making a speech or something... and I'm pretty sure that's not in there... oh wait... it is??? F@CK!
So... all in all... I actually recommend seeing this movie. In the right setting, you'll laugh your arse sore. Just keep in mind that if this was SUPPOSED to be a comedy... or if you actually fixed all the stuff I mentioned above... this would be just another gigantic, steamy pile of boring crap.