"Elves" stars Dan Haggerty (TV's former Grizzly Adams) as a chain smoking ex-cop turned shopping mall Santa Claus. Grizzly apparently had a falling out with the force due to his insufferable boozing. The stress of his muddled life may play a role in the heavy smoking. This isn't mentioned outright, but I took a few film classes through correspondence school, so I have an eye for these sorts of storyline hints. Haggerty prepared for the role by yellowing the whiskers of the beard that made him famous to reflect the stain of cigarette toxins. Quite frankly though, the quality of his performance begins and ends with the yellow beard. One is forced to actually pause the film in order to ponder how in the hell this guy landed his own television SERIES. Ignoring the stench of Chesterfields on him, you might conclude that the only suitable gig for this actor is . . . well, a shopping mall Santa Claus. But I digress.
--Potential spoilers-- I won't bore you with the long story, though it may sound intriguing at firsttrust me, it's not. Grizzly takes on a troupe of trolls (the so-called Elves) created by a neo-Nazi mad scientist. These not-so-lovable little helpers are on a quest to mate with a virgin and create a master race. And if it weren't for one disgruntled black-lung copper, they just might have gotten away with it. The mallscene of many a holiday season nightmarebecomes the stage for the final Good vs. Evil battle over Toyland supremacy. In the end we are left with two certainties: 1.) All the best mall action DOES happen after it closes, and 2.) Drinking your way out of a respectable job can, in fact, lead you to becoming a hero.
--Potential spoilers-- I won't bore you with the long story, though it may sound intriguing at firsttrust me, it's not. Grizzly takes on a troupe of trolls (the so-called Elves) created by a neo-Nazi mad scientist. These not-so-lovable little helpers are on a quest to mate with a virgin and create a master race. And if it weren't for one disgruntled black-lung copper, they just might have gotten away with it. The mallscene of many a holiday season nightmarebecomes the stage for the final Good vs. Evil battle over Toyland supremacy. In the end we are left with two certainties: 1.) All the best mall action DOES happen after it closes, and 2.) Drinking your way out of a respectable job can, in fact, lead you to becoming a hero.