It came on whatever damned channel I had the TV on and I decided to start watching it. Sadly, no amount of therapy will be able to correct that grievous error on my part.
I am still awake, desperately trying to find a way to rationalize that complete waste of 2 hours and 5 minutes of my life. I think I would have felt better about all of this if someone had put a gun to my head and forced me to watch this tripe. Of course, I would have opted for the bullet, but I think my captor would have ended their own life before they got around to putting me out of my misery. This is to be a warning to anyone else who may accidentally watch it.
DON'T DO IT!
here there be spoilers
Actually...the whole movie is a damned spoiler. Nothing is a surprise. OK, one scene is a surprise. The whole family gets surprised by snakes, at the same time, in different rooms of this huge mansion. Now, if this had been the supernatural thriller that the trailers had led you to believe it was, this would be OK. THIS ISN'T A SUPERNATURAL THRILLER! It's about a psycho redneck that had already slaughtered his family and decided that he didn't want the evil city folk to live in "his" house. That psycho redneck planted the snakes in the house, at least, a few hours before the crazed snake attack!
The snakes must have all worn synchronized watches and planned this thing out. The snakes also must have flew in some snake friends from other countries because many of them aren't from around here, boy. THOSE WACKY SNAKES! The scene was supposed to be scary. It was pure comic gold. Another reviewer mentions something about Dennis Quaid screaming like a little girl. The thing I love the most, is the fact that they all ran to the roof instead of out the front door. Why?
There are too many ludicrous scenes to break down for you, so I'll skip to the end. The climactic battle that leads to the "city folk" killing the evil redneck is so effing ridiculous... GAH! My brain crawled out of my head and slapped me around until the credits quit rolling. My brain was BULLS**T over that nonsense. I can't even describe it.
To hell with it. I'll try anyway. Basically, Bumpkin Boy was all set to cave in the skulls of the Evil City People, hammer styles, when suddenly,they trapped him with a rope! It wasn't even around his neck. He had more room than the three of them, combined, to get out of it. Hell, you could tell that he was HOLDING ON TO THE ROPE TO KEEP FROM SLIPPING OUT.
It was at that point that my brain started beating the snot out of the rest of me.
They didn't even strangle him to death. They took some time to nod at each other and proceeded to scream "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" as they broke the glass and...
Oh hell. I can't even type the ending. My brain just found a knife. It's had enough.
I still don't think I am properly conveying the true level of "suck" that this movie possesses. I'll try it with a visual:
>>>>>>>--------<<<<<<<<
See that? That has more depth than Cold Creek Manor.
It is a demon film.
If you want to experience Cold Creek Manor without having the displeasure of watching it, you could always stare at a blade of grass whilst slapping yourself in the face with a bag of wet mice for 2 hours and 5 minutes. No matter what you do, it will still be better than Cold Creek Manor was.
Don't see it. Not even the synchronized snake attack scene is worth it.
I am still awake, desperately trying to find a way to rationalize that complete waste of 2 hours and 5 minutes of my life. I think I would have felt better about all of this if someone had put a gun to my head and forced me to watch this tripe. Of course, I would have opted for the bullet, but I think my captor would have ended their own life before they got around to putting me out of my misery. This is to be a warning to anyone else who may accidentally watch it.
DON'T DO IT!
here there be spoilers
Actually...the whole movie is a damned spoiler. Nothing is a surprise. OK, one scene is a surprise. The whole family gets surprised by snakes, at the same time, in different rooms of this huge mansion. Now, if this had been the supernatural thriller that the trailers had led you to believe it was, this would be OK. THIS ISN'T A SUPERNATURAL THRILLER! It's about a psycho redneck that had already slaughtered his family and decided that he didn't want the evil city folk to live in "his" house. That psycho redneck planted the snakes in the house, at least, a few hours before the crazed snake attack!
The snakes must have all worn synchronized watches and planned this thing out. The snakes also must have flew in some snake friends from other countries because many of them aren't from around here, boy. THOSE WACKY SNAKES! The scene was supposed to be scary. It was pure comic gold. Another reviewer mentions something about Dennis Quaid screaming like a little girl. The thing I love the most, is the fact that they all ran to the roof instead of out the front door. Why?
There are too many ludicrous scenes to break down for you, so I'll skip to the end. The climactic battle that leads to the "city folk" killing the evil redneck is so effing ridiculous... GAH! My brain crawled out of my head and slapped me around until the credits quit rolling. My brain was BULLS**T over that nonsense. I can't even describe it.
To hell with it. I'll try anyway. Basically, Bumpkin Boy was all set to cave in the skulls of the Evil City People, hammer styles, when suddenly,they trapped him with a rope! It wasn't even around his neck. He had more room than the three of them, combined, to get out of it. Hell, you could tell that he was HOLDING ON TO THE ROPE TO KEEP FROM SLIPPING OUT.
It was at that point that my brain started beating the snot out of the rest of me.
They didn't even strangle him to death. They took some time to nod at each other and proceeded to scream "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" as they broke the glass and...
Oh hell. I can't even type the ending. My brain just found a knife. It's had enough.
I still don't think I am properly conveying the true level of "suck" that this movie possesses. I'll try it with a visual:
>>>>>>>--------<<<<<<<<
See that? That has more depth than Cold Creek Manor.
It is a demon film.
If you want to experience Cold Creek Manor without having the displeasure of watching it, you could always stare at a blade of grass whilst slapping yourself in the face with a bag of wet mice for 2 hours and 5 minutes. No matter what you do, it will still be better than Cold Creek Manor was.
Don't see it. Not even the synchronized snake attack scene is worth it.