world_of_weird Review of Austin Powers in Goldmember

Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

Please God, don't let a director's cut sully the planet!

[1/10 · 31 October 2005]

I've just read in the trivia section that Jay Roach's original cut of this stinkbomb ran for three hours. Now, if there is a God, and I'm hoping there is, surely there can be no better way for Him to show his infinite love for all creation by not allowing this thing to ever see the light of day. Even in its current form, GOLDMEMBER is about ninety minutes too long. It must rate as one of the very worst movies I've ever seen, and believe me, I've sat through a lot of crap in my time, mostly for the pleasure of trashing the worst of the worst on the IMDb. But tearing into GOLDMEMBER would be like kicking a sick puppy...just too easy. Where to begin? The terrible performances, the retarded sense of humour, the self-congratulatory back-slapping showbusiness cameos, the enormous ego and miniscule talent of Mike Myers, or the fact that Jay Roach's approach to direction and editing makes Michael Winner look positively restrained by comparison? This is ninety-something minutes of my life I'll never get back.