Let's look at what we have here guys! We may all be doing Roodt's spaced-out vampire epic a disservice!
Like where else you ever gonna see a girl strapped to a lounge offering her captor the opportunity to check "every square inch of her body" for a bite-mark. Peter Cushing never got that lucky!
What's the chance of ever hearing that immortal line "I wanna ejaculate all over your bazonkas" uttered again in a thousand years or viewing?
Who can ever again hope to experience the thrill of the chase, supposedly in a galaxy far far away - but looking like it was filmed in the boiler room of some retired battleship from World War 2?
And then, the spectacle of Udo Kier in his twilight years having inordinate difficulty reading off his own cue cards? You're talking movie magic here!
But I digress, Dracula 3000 (It was meant to be $3.00 btw) leaves every other horror film pretender floundering in its wake when it comes to endings - it achieves the unattainable - there IS NO ENDING!
Humvee doesn't get to have sex with his re-programmed pleasure robot. No one ever reaches the twin-sun. Dracula isn't staked by Van Helsing's great great grandson....he ISN'T even Dracula....just a fashion-wimp sobbing his guts out on the floor because his arm happens to fall off!
Yes my friends, you have all missed the greatness here - a film bigger than life itself. A movie event so bad, so trivial and so irredeemably embarrassing - its like may never be seen again.
Casper Van Dien RIP
Like where else you ever gonna see a girl strapped to a lounge offering her captor the opportunity to check "every square inch of her body" for a bite-mark. Peter Cushing never got that lucky!
What's the chance of ever hearing that immortal line "I wanna ejaculate all over your bazonkas" uttered again in a thousand years or viewing?
Who can ever again hope to experience the thrill of the chase, supposedly in a galaxy far far away - but looking like it was filmed in the boiler room of some retired battleship from World War 2?
And then, the spectacle of Udo Kier in his twilight years having inordinate difficulty reading off his own cue cards? You're talking movie magic here!
But I digress, Dracula 3000 (It was meant to be $3.00 btw) leaves every other horror film pretender floundering in its wake when it comes to endings - it achieves the unattainable - there IS NO ENDING!
Humvee doesn't get to have sex with his re-programmed pleasure robot. No one ever reaches the twin-sun. Dracula isn't staked by Van Helsing's great great grandson....he ISN'T even Dracula....just a fashion-wimp sobbing his guts out on the floor because his arm happens to fall off!
Yes my friends, you have all missed the greatness here - a film bigger than life itself. A movie event so bad, so trivial and so irredeemably embarrassing - its like may never be seen again.
Casper Van Dien RIP