ONCE in a blue moon there comes a movie which hits every criteria spot on, and Killers has honed all of its attributes in order to make a truly, unequivocally bland and forgettable hour and a half-worth of tosh. Newly single Jen, played with no charm or skill by Katherine Heigl, is on vacation with her parents when she meets her ideal man Spencer, just about acted by perennial action figure Ashton Kutcher. The pair fall in traditionally quick fake movie love and get married. Little does Jen know though, her new husband is actually a secret government spy who kills people for a living and is trying to settle down. The fact that Kutcher looks in or around 30 years old and is playing the 'I don't want to kill people any more, whimper and sniffle' card does nothing for the integrity of the storyline. It wasn't until I looked at my watch either that I realised nothing more than that had actually really happened for the first 45 minutes. The trailers portray the premise of the film as an unwitting and clumsy Jen being dragged into a kill or be killed quarrel between Spencer and assassins hired to kill him because he's a liability in suburban life. However, it's nigh on an hour into the woeful film before anything of significance even happens. They say start as you mean to continue, and director Robert Luketic has done just that; he began with a barrel-full clichés played without any conviction and then went on to provide the audience with nothing more than an homage to every action rom-com in a drawn-out montage. Admittedly, neither Kutcher or Heigl has strayed far from their comfort zones, which in many ways has served against them as the pair seem almost complacent in their efforts to make the characters believable. At times there is a childlike playfulness between the two, but even that serves to the detriment of the film as the standard appears not wholly dissimilar to that of an amateur school drama production. Even the dry wit of Tom Selleck fails to provide much consolation. He brings experience and a touch of class, but the poor dialogue he is handed just proves too much for him to salvage. In fact, probably the best thing about the film is probably Tom Selleck's infamous moustache, partly because it doesn't get any lines. Occasionally in the movie industry there will be two promising actors who carry a film, perhaps struggling to shoulder the burden of a lacklustre supporting cast which doesn't communicate well through inexperience. However, it is never a good sign when you literally find yourself wincing throughout a film at the sheer lack of chemistry between its two leads. Perhaps the best testament to the lack of quality in the film is that Katherine Heigl cannot even scream convincingly, which is strange seeing as she has so much practice throughout. The shining light of Heigl's career so far was Judd Apatow's Knocked Up, which seemed to set up a potentially promising career. That being said, she now seems intent on penning her name to any bit part rom-com coming her way. Yes, she may have got the kooky, loser-in-love part down to a redundant tee, but it is evident from this that she needs a charismatic cast and script to support her, otherwise she appears as nothing special at all. As for Kutcher, the six foot-plus husband of contrastingly skilled Demi Moore could quite easily have been replaced by a large slab of granite with more personality. By all means, if his niche is sub-standard romantic comedies where he can run around topless for as long as possible, he deserves a typecast Oscar. If he wants to be taken seriously as an actor though, it's time buck up his ideas or just take on twittering full-time. Couples eager to find a movie which suits them both should undoubtedly hang on for the hotly anticipated Cruise-Diaz summer smash Knight and Day. Such a promising movie would really have to go some to lower the bar set by Killers. From the trailers, Knight and Day looks to straddle the line of satisfaction for both sexes incredibly well, whereas Killers attempts to do the same but gets lost in an insipid void somewhere in between. Maybe I've been a tad harsh, it was never intended to be an Oscar winner or one that would go down in the record books I'm sure, but I just can't help thinking you'd have to be void of at least four out of your five senses to really enjoy this.
Review of Killers
