It's 1501 and somewhere in Europe a city has been taken in a coup. Its rightful ruler Arnolfini hires some mercenaries to lead a siege to take it back. They do just that. Their commander Hawkwood unfortunately almost hacked some nun's head off during the siege and is now overcome with guilt. Watch where you swing that sword buddy. Anyhow the devious Arnolfini promises to provide medical care for the nun with the hole in her head if Hawkwood will turn on his men and assist in expelling them from the city, denying them the looting opportunities they had been promised. Cue sad faces from the mercenaries as they wander the countryside.
The mercenaries now follow their new leader, Martin. He's the leader because he found a statue of Saint Martin while he was digging a grave for his stillborn son. Seriously. Meanwhile back in the city Arnolfini has arranged a marriage for his son Steven and his well-styled 1980s hair to some young heiress. Steven is not interested, perhaps because he worries the girl will have nicer hair than him. But the two would-be lovers meet and after eating a magic root they find under a hanging, rotting corpse they fall in love. Seriously. Oh by the way, this young girl, Agnes, is clueless in the ways of love so she has just had her maid and some random dude physically demonstrate for her how to have sex. The maid is played by the voice of Bart Simpson. Seriously. Guided by the all-powerful statue of Saint Martin the mercenaries show up and sack the traveling party, making off with all the wedding loot and taking Agnes too. Cue sad face from 1980s hair boy.
Sweet, virginal Agnes is brutally gang-raped by Martin and his men but doesn't seem to mind very much. She forgets Steven and falls for Martin. So innocent she didn't even know what sex was a day ago she's soon playing footsie under the table and, while having sex in a bathtub, thrashing about like some kind of medieval porn star. Fast learner this girl. Steven sets out to rescue her. Hilarity ensues. Oh wait, not hilarity. Plague. Plague ensues. Did you know you can instantly get the plague and drop dead if you take a sip of contaminated water but if you are submerged in a well full of that same water for hours you'll be just fine? Also, Steven constructs a massive, complicated war machine, the medieval equivalent of a Sherman tank, in approximately five minutes. Amidst all the nonsense is a constant stream of the worst, most laughable dialogue heard in any movie ever. Every once in a while Jennifer Jason Leigh takes her clothes off again. More nonsense happens. Then more nonsense. And more nonsense. And then the movie ends.
The mercenaries now follow their new leader, Martin. He's the leader because he found a statue of Saint Martin while he was digging a grave for his stillborn son. Seriously. Meanwhile back in the city Arnolfini has arranged a marriage for his son Steven and his well-styled 1980s hair to some young heiress. Steven is not interested, perhaps because he worries the girl will have nicer hair than him. But the two would-be lovers meet and after eating a magic root they find under a hanging, rotting corpse they fall in love. Seriously. Oh by the way, this young girl, Agnes, is clueless in the ways of love so she has just had her maid and some random dude physically demonstrate for her how to have sex. The maid is played by the voice of Bart Simpson. Seriously. Guided by the all-powerful statue of Saint Martin the mercenaries show up and sack the traveling party, making off with all the wedding loot and taking Agnes too. Cue sad face from 1980s hair boy.
Sweet, virginal Agnes is brutally gang-raped by Martin and his men but doesn't seem to mind very much. She forgets Steven and falls for Martin. So innocent she didn't even know what sex was a day ago she's soon playing footsie under the table and, while having sex in a bathtub, thrashing about like some kind of medieval porn star. Fast learner this girl. Steven sets out to rescue her. Hilarity ensues. Oh wait, not hilarity. Plague. Plague ensues. Did you know you can instantly get the plague and drop dead if you take a sip of contaminated water but if you are submerged in a well full of that same water for hours you'll be just fine? Also, Steven constructs a massive, complicated war machine, the medieval equivalent of a Sherman tank, in approximately five minutes. Amidst all the nonsense is a constant stream of the worst, most laughable dialogue heard in any movie ever. Every once in a while Jennifer Jason Leigh takes her clothes off again. More nonsense happens. Then more nonsense. And more nonsense. And then the movie ends.