There's a Jack, there are many giants but, whilst a reasonable number of them are slain by the end of it, Jack can't actually take credit for many of them.
There had been rumours of 'issues' with Jack the Giant Slayer and the delayed release accentuated the concerns, but expectation was still high for the adventure romp. And so it is with disappointment I must pause for a moment to sigh. Heavily.
Adapted from the fairy tale, the origin of which is uncertain, Brian Singer's film takes liberties with the most commonly known version of Jack and the Beanstalk, including with the classic rhyme that we all know begins:
Fe-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman
Not in this version! In this version, Jack lives with his uncle (Christopher Fairbank), who sends him off to market to sell the cart. Jack prefers instead to watch Warwick Davies in a pantomime of, yes, Jack and the Beanstalk, then gallantly save a beautiful girl who happens to be the princess, before emerging to discover the cart has been stolen. He promptly sells the horse for a handful of beans that grow in to a beanstalk that reaches a mythical land of giants. And so it goes on.
Do you remember when The Usual Suspects arrived and we thought Bryan Singer had the potential to be a great director? Well, he's forgotten how to do what he once did. In 2008's Valkyrie, a story that history tells us ends badly, Singer placed us on the edge of our seats, leaving us hoping desperately that the history books were wrong. It was thrilling. Jack the Giant Slayer isn't.
Yes, much of it looks pretty. The giants, in close-up at least, look fine, some of the CGI is impressive (just don't look at the fire too closely), the scenery is attractive, the beanstalk grows well, there are some humorous moments like the pig in blankets gag and some of the characters are enjoyable to watch. But this is a film only for undemanding children who have yet to learn how magical cinema can be.
The preamble and prologue are painful and manage to be twee, patronising and tedious simultaneously. Much of the potential humour is lost by poor delivery (incorrectly emphasized, over-egged or just ineptly spouted) and poor scripting and a lack of attention to detail further damage the experience. What the hell happens to the uncle? He just disappears, never to be seen again. How is it that the crown fits tightly to Roderick's (Stanley Tucci) head, then fits easily around two of General Fallon's (Bill Nighy) fingers and then slots onto a human head again? Have a look at the diameter of his fingers compared to human heads. How did Singer miss that?
More than that, there is zero chemistry between Jack (Nicholas Hoult) and Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) and, even worse, Hoult couldn't be bothered to turn up to the shoot and sent his cardboard cutout instead. How did nobody notice that he really can't act in this? What happened to the Hoult who showed promise in About a Boy and Skins? Trust me, he is emphatically not a reason to sit through two hours of Jack the Giant Slayer.
The Ewans McGregor and Bremner both have fun hamming it up and wearing comedy hairstyles and Bill Nighy gives a good vocal performance as principal baddie without his trademark snort-laugh. Jack the Giant Slayer generally passes the time, but it does a Cutthroat Island on us: promises much excitement but delivers little whimpers and the odd smile.
Eddie Marsan is given barely 10 lines before he is dispatched elsewhere. Ian McShane as King Brahmwell looks uncomfortable delivering stilted, cheesy dialogue. As for Isabelle, why bother? She serves only to make Jack look heroic (though he fails anyway) and her part in this story does little for the viewer other than to imply that the four writers behind this don't actually like writing for women. If you need more evidence, guess how many of the giants are female. None! Watch Jack the Giant Slayer because you need to get the kids out of the house, but keep your expectations low and prove that you're a good parent in a few months by taking them to see Iron Man 3.
Surely that has to be better For more reviews from The Squiss, subscribe to my blog and like the Facebook page.
There had been rumours of 'issues' with Jack the Giant Slayer and the delayed release accentuated the concerns, but expectation was still high for the adventure romp. And so it is with disappointment I must pause for a moment to sigh. Heavily.
Adapted from the fairy tale, the origin of which is uncertain, Brian Singer's film takes liberties with the most commonly known version of Jack and the Beanstalk, including with the classic rhyme that we all know begins:
Fe-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman
Not in this version! In this version, Jack lives with his uncle (Christopher Fairbank), who sends him off to market to sell the cart. Jack prefers instead to watch Warwick Davies in a pantomime of, yes, Jack and the Beanstalk, then gallantly save a beautiful girl who happens to be the princess, before emerging to discover the cart has been stolen. He promptly sells the horse for a handful of beans that grow in to a beanstalk that reaches a mythical land of giants. And so it goes on.
Do you remember when The Usual Suspects arrived and we thought Bryan Singer had the potential to be a great director? Well, he's forgotten how to do what he once did. In 2008's Valkyrie, a story that history tells us ends badly, Singer placed us on the edge of our seats, leaving us hoping desperately that the history books were wrong. It was thrilling. Jack the Giant Slayer isn't.
Yes, much of it looks pretty. The giants, in close-up at least, look fine, some of the CGI is impressive (just don't look at the fire too closely), the scenery is attractive, the beanstalk grows well, there are some humorous moments like the pig in blankets gag and some of the characters are enjoyable to watch. But this is a film only for undemanding children who have yet to learn how magical cinema can be.
The preamble and prologue are painful and manage to be twee, patronising and tedious simultaneously. Much of the potential humour is lost by poor delivery (incorrectly emphasized, over-egged or just ineptly spouted) and poor scripting and a lack of attention to detail further damage the experience. What the hell happens to the uncle? He just disappears, never to be seen again. How is it that the crown fits tightly to Roderick's (Stanley Tucci) head, then fits easily around two of General Fallon's (Bill Nighy) fingers and then slots onto a human head again? Have a look at the diameter of his fingers compared to human heads. How did Singer miss that?
More than that, there is zero chemistry between Jack (Nicholas Hoult) and Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) and, even worse, Hoult couldn't be bothered to turn up to the shoot and sent his cardboard cutout instead. How did nobody notice that he really can't act in this? What happened to the Hoult who showed promise in About a Boy and Skins? Trust me, he is emphatically not a reason to sit through two hours of Jack the Giant Slayer.
The Ewans McGregor and Bremner both have fun hamming it up and wearing comedy hairstyles and Bill Nighy gives a good vocal performance as principal baddie without his trademark snort-laugh. Jack the Giant Slayer generally passes the time, but it does a Cutthroat Island on us: promises much excitement but delivers little whimpers and the odd smile.
Eddie Marsan is given barely 10 lines before he is dispatched elsewhere. Ian McShane as King Brahmwell looks uncomfortable delivering stilted, cheesy dialogue. As for Isabelle, why bother? She serves only to make Jack look heroic (though he fails anyway) and her part in this story does little for the viewer other than to imply that the four writers behind this don't actually like writing for women. If you need more evidence, guess how many of the giants are female. None! Watch Jack the Giant Slayer because you need to get the kids out of the house, but keep your expectations low and prove that you're a good parent in a few months by taking them to see Iron Man 3.
Surely that has to be better For more reviews from The Squiss, subscribe to my blog and like the Facebook page.