ironhorse_iv Review of Santa with Muscles

Santa with Muscles (1996)

Watching this movie felt like receiving a giant leg drop. It was somewhat painful to watch.

[3/10 · 27 December 2016]

Made way before other pro-wrestlers, like Mick Foley, Bill Goldberg, the Miz and Big Show ever put on the red and white suit; Hulk Hogan was the first wrestler to capitalize on the idea of making a Christmas movie. Written by Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata & Dorrie Krum Raymond, the film tells the story of a self-centered millionaire turn Santa Claus, Blake Thorn (Hulk Hogan) having to save an orphanage from an evil scientist, Ebner Frost (Ed Begley, Jr.), who wants to destroy it, in order to gain access to the magical crystals underneath it. Without spoiling the movie too much, the original story wasn't really originally made for Hogan to start. Instead, it was create for infamous con-artist stockbroker, Jordan Belford subject of 2013's film 'The Wolf of Wall Street' who became one of the film's executive producer. However, once Hogan got on board, much of the original story was scrap, in order to appeal to Hulk Hogan's ego. Because of that, we get a lot of pointless moments, in which the audience is treated with unrealistic scenes in which, Hogan shows off his strength. While, Hogan still looks impression in some of the action scenes; it really clear that the 24-Inch Pythons weren't as big as they used to. All those years, taking bumps and steroids has really took its toll on the man's health and body. He looks so different, when compare to what he look during his 1980s 'Hulkamania' days. Still, he was not as eerie as today's Hulk Hogan. Yet, I have to say, Hulk Hogan wasn't as bad, in the action role, as he could had. Most of the action scenes fell flat, because how fake the visual effects explosions look, how ludicrous the car chases were shot, or how badly stage, the fight scenes were. If anything, he really try to make the film, seem entertaining, even if his singing with child actress, Aria Noelle Curzon seem kinda bad. Also, while Hogan might not be the best comedian in the world, more or less, some of his facial expressions and physical slapstick throughout the film, did make me, laugh. Because of this, I don't think, this movie deserve to be in the currently list on IMDb's bottom 100 movies ever. Not all the jokes fell flat. It's just has enough 'so bad, it's kinda good' vibe, to make me, not hate the movie as much as others. Yet, there were a lot of things that did anger me, about this film. For starters, I didn't like the use of the old film 'Identify Amnesia' clichés. It's really hard to believe that Blake couldn't remember, anything about his previous life at all. Also, the amnesia angle kinda lessen the impact of his morality character arch, as well. Even the second smacking of his head felt a bit forced. Another thing, that bother me, was the idea that "the richest man in ten states", goes unrecognized by virtually everyone for so long into the film. Even the police doesn't know, who Blake is. If they did, they would had arrest him, along with the other criminals toward the end, for reckless driving, shooting at an officer, and the endangerment of the life of others. Instead, nearly everybody believes he is the real Santa Claus, despite acting and looking nothing like the fictional holiday character. It really made the supporting characters in the film, look really stupid. Despite that, I did like, seeing familiar supporting actors like Don Stark, Garrett Morris, and Ed Begley Jr. in the roles, they were given. Even, Mila Kunis in her film debut was not that bad to watch. However, I couldn't get, behind how unrealistic, the henchmen villains, were. It was very weird to see over-the-top cartoony people harassing an orphanage of three children with T-squares and Styrofoam candy canes. It's also odd that the orphanage never bother, calling the cops before Blake came to the rescue. Added to that bizarreness was the scene where the scoundrels use phone-calls recording to trick Blake. How did they know to do that, anyways!? The movie has way, too many hackney plot-holes that is hard to ignore. It really doesn't make any sense. All these loose-ends and over the top dramatic, made the film felt more like a cheesy 'superhero' movie than anything else. As for the quality of the film footage. It really does look like it aged badly. Even with the most modern DVD, the footage still looks washed out with a lot of aliasing and shimmering. It had such shoddy detail. The old VHS tape are even worst with its tracking issues. Overall: While, it might be good to say your prayers, and eat your vitamins. I can't say, the same about watching this movie. While, die-hard Hulkamaniacs might like this movie. For me, it was just mediocre. Not the worst movie, I saw. Nor the best.