The Drew Carey Show (TV Series 1995–2004) - Drew Carey as Drew Carey, Baby Bobeck Carey, Various

Drew Carey : Oh, you hate your job? Oh my god, well why didn't you say so? You know there's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar!

Nigel Wick : Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?

Drew Carey : Yeah.

Nigel Wick : Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.

Drew Carey : I think I should help people.

Oswald Lee Harvey : That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere...

Drew Carey : Is that the most terrible sound you've ever heard?

Lewis Kiniski : Have you ever tried to start your car with a cat sleeping on the intake manifold?

Drew Carey : No.

Lewis Kiniski : Then yes, that's the worst sound you ever heard.

Drew Carey : I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch.

[Kate makes an impossible shot during a game of pool]

Drew Carey : I swear you were born in a pool hall.

Kate O'Brien : No, Drew, I told you... I was born in the wagon of a traveling show... Momma used to dance for the money they'd throw.

[Drew awakes from his coma]

Drew Carey : How long was I out for?

Lewis Kiniski : A long time, Drew. It's 2137. I'm the great-grandson of Lewis Kiniski, the first human emperor. Unfortunately, you are my slave.

Drew Carey : Kate, how long was I really out for?

Lewis Kiniski : Silence, slave!

[Mimi kicked Steve out]

Drew Carey : So, where are you staying?

Steve Carey : A hotel.

Drew Carey : You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.

Steve Carey : Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?

Steve Carey : Really?

Lewis Kiniski : Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.

[Steve and Mimi moved their trailer into Drew's backyard]

Drew Carey : I couldn't sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up.

Steve Carey : Oh, sorry.

Drew Carey : And, then, the screaming started.

Steve Carey : What was that?

Drew Carey : That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer!

Drew Carey : [to Lewis and Oswald] Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Making prank phone calls to a guy who just took an arrow through his scrotum without asking if papa's gonna get a brand new bag!

Lewis Kiniski : Ah nuts.

Drew Carey : If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?

[Drew and his scouts are singing a "special" song]

Drew Carey : Who's that in the office, stinking up the place? Mimi! Mimi! Your butt looks like your face!

[Drew realizes that he's the only one singing]

Drew Carey : What the hell are you?

Timmy : A good scout never insults people.

Drew Carey : Yeah, but that's thing, Timmy.

[gestures towards Mimi]

Drew Carey : That's not people.

Mimi Bobeck : You know, kids, Drew's head is just like a piñata. If you hit his head enough times when he's sleeping, candy comes out.

[the kids gasp]

Mimi Bobeck : Well, first blood, then candy. Keep hitting.

[a replica of Cleveland made from Legos blocks his path]

Drew Carey : My hero, Gandhi, would find a non-violent solution. My other hero, Godzilla, would do this.

[crashes through Legos]

[Lewis's mother just told Drew that Lewis has an I.Q. of 162]

Drew Carey : I'm going to have to tell him. Maybe now, he'll know why he has so much trouble connecting with people. I just hope he takes it well.

[cut to an outside shot of Drew's house]

Lewis Kiniski : BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GIANT BRAIN.

[laughs hysterically]

Steve Carey : Look, dad, this isn't easy for us.

Drew Carey : Can't you, at least, make an effort?

George Carey : Now, you listen to me. While most guys were pushing pencils, I was torching commies out of caves in Korea. I've worked at a job I hated for 40 years. I've raised two boys. I'm tired, damn it! I just want to lay there and get mine!

[Clemens brings a horse into Drew's backyard]

Drew Carey : Hey, Clemens, I got a riddle for you. What has four legs and shouldn't be in my backyard?

Greg Clemens : Oswald and Lewis.

Drew Carey : Ok, what has the I.Q. of...

[looks at Oswald and Lewis]

Drew Carey : What smells like...

[looks at Oswald and Lewis]

Drew Carey : What craps standing...

[looks at Oswald and Lewis]

Drew Carey : Get that damn horse out of my backyard!

Drew Carey : I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you have that and the Sex Channel, they put you in some sort of file.

Drew Carey : Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!

Mimi Bobeck : Ah, spring. When a young man's fancy turns my stomach.

Drew Carey : When was the last time you saw a young man's fancy?

Mimi Bobeck : When was the last time you saw *your* fancy?

Drew Carey : They always spell my name wrong on my paycheck! Look at what it says: "Drew Fairy". Last week, it was "Screw Carey".

Lewis Kiniski : Looks like every week it's Screw Carey.

Kate O'Brien : Oswald, how do I look?

Oswald Lee Harvey : On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.

Kate O'Brien : Oswald!

Drew Carey : Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.

Kate O'Brien : Oh.

Oswald Lee Harvey : It starts at three.

[a depressed Drew thinks he's been fired, and sings "High Hopes"]

Drew Carey : [sobbing and singing] I've got high hopes, I've got... high hopes. I've got... high apple pie-in-the...

[sniffs]

Drew Carey : ... sky hopes...

[to on-looking workers]

Drew Carey : EVERYBODY!... Every time you're feeling low, here's the way to go... just remember that ant... Oops, there goes ten years of my life!

Drew Carey : How do I look?

Lewis Kiniski : Not just sexy, grandpa sexy.

Drew Carey : Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore!

Oswald Lee Harvey : Aww, Drew...

Drew Carey : No! Do not pity the whore!

Drew Carey : Using a ten minute bathroom break is fine. Using to pee off the side of the building is not.

Employee : I hit the side of the building across the alley.

Drew Carey : I don't care if you... wow, really?

Drew Carey : You guys really got to go.

Lewis Kiniski : Wait a minute... Six eggs on the frying pan... That twinkle in your eye... Speedy hiding under the pool table with that haunted look in his eyes... You scored last night, didn't ya?

Oswald Lee Harvey : I think I'm going to be sick

Drew Carey : Why?

Oswald Lee Harvey : I've got little pieces of Jim Thome's head all over me!

[Drew and Oswald accidentally spray Lewis with a liquid that attracts eagles, and run inside]

Lewis Kiniski : Open the door! Open the door, for god's sake!

[the eagle doesn't show up]

Lewis Kiniski : What, I'm not good enough for ya?

Drew Carey : If the eagle didn't show, then what does it attract?

[Lewis is suddenly attacked by a pack of squirrels]

Lewis Kiniski : Help! Help! Let me in!

Drew Carey : You know, I'd run for cover, if I were you.

Lewis Kiniski : Because eagles eat squirrels.

Drew Carey : Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.

Mimi Bobeck : You're late.

Drew Carey : I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.

Mimi Bobeck : Remember, lift with the knees.

Drew Carey : You know, I had such a great time with my band last night that even seeing you couldn't affect it. OK, that's not true.

Drew Carey : I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.

Lewis Kiniski : If you hurt my sister they will never find any piece of you! Not even your glasses! Remember, I am a janitor, I know how to dispose of things!

Drew Carey : Is that a threat?

Lewis Kiniski : You want me to sing it to ya?

Drew Carey : Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

Mimi Bobeck : I cracked Mr. Wick's secret password. It's "Mr. Wick".

Drew Carey : He might as well just use the word "password".

[Disucssing Vegitarianism and Animal Rights]

Rachel Murray : Come On Drew, haven't you ever been passionate about anything in your life?

Drew Carey : Yes, my hatred of the XFL!

Drew Carey : What's wrong, Mimi? I think you look pale, but I can't tell.

[On Drew's learning that his ex-girlfriend was getting married]

Mimi Bobeck : Drew, look into my eyes and tell me you don't feel like crying.

Drew Carey : There's not a man alive who could pass that test, Mimi.

[discussing Drew's cyber date]

Kate O'Brien : Yeah, is pathetisad a word?

Drew Carey : Hey, whatever BeerStud3 and HoneyBee23 do is their own business.

Kate O'Brien : Beer stud? Forget pathetisad, is weirdork a word?

Drew Carey : How bout sarcastibitch.

Drew Carey : You can lie to me, you can lie in court. If you want, you can even lie in front of my car, but you will never beat this machine.

Lewis Kiniski : Drew, we found the Bed and Breakfast where the lesbians are staying!

Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, we rented the room next door and the walls are paper thin!

Drew Carey : I want to be a scoutmaster.

[pause]

Drew Carey : Tomorrow.

Drew Carey : [to Mimi] Bing... Bam... Boom: the sound three mirrors make when you look at them.

[about Mimi]

Celia : What makes her so mean?

Drew Carey : Deep down inside of her, there's a scared little girl... and she's giving her indigestion.

Celia : You don't take no for an answer, do you?

Drew Carey : Hey, it's my style. If you can't dazzle, wear 'em down.

Drew Carey : Wow! Another steaming pile of good news!

[after Drew grabs one of Mimi's trolls]

Mimi Bobeck : Hey! Don't touch the troll!

Drew Carey : Is that what your mother told your dates?

[Wick's mother tied Drew up and is about to have sex with him]

Wick's mom : I have to help my Nigel any way I can. I can change your mind about this job. I've changed many mens' minds.

Drew Carey : Was one of them Elton John?

[about her baseball playing]

Mimi Bobeck : I protect home plate, like a Mormon girl on prom night.

Drew Carey : If Mormon girls looked like you, they wouldn't need protection.

Drew Carey : Hey, what were you doing upstairs?

Oswald Lee Harvey : I was using your blow dryer to defrost my crotch.

Drew Carey : Well, you just bought yourself a blow dryer mister!

Drew Carey : I have a question to ask. Am I healthy?

Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here.

Oswald Lee Harvey : I have an idea. Well at least hear me out first!

Drew Carey : Uhh, Oswald nobody objected.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you.

[pause]

Oswald Lee Harvey : Why are you looking at me approvingly?

Drew Carey : Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title.

Steve Carey : Did it ever occur to you, that every time you look at Saturn, there may be another sad and lonely guy looking at you through a telescope?

Drew Carey : Did it ever occur to you, that you're the only one here who has to wear sunscreen on his head?

[Everyone thinks Drew is crazy]

Employee : He's here! Get down!

[Everyone ducks]

Drew Carey : Look, I don't want everybody being afraid...

[Everyone starts getting up]

Drew Carey : Did I say get up?

[Drew is arrested for trying to kill Mimi]

Officer : Is it true, Mr. Carey that you harbor violent feelings for Mrs. Bobek?

Drew Carey : That's ridiculous.

Officer : If it's that ridiculous, why did 20 coworkers hear you say

[reads statement]

Officer : "I'm going to kill you"?

Drew Carey : That's just a figure of speech!

Officer : [continues reading from statement] "That's not a figure of speech. You are dead!"

Drew Carey : No, you're reading it all wrong.

[happily]

Drew Carey : I'm gonna kill ya! That's not a figure of speech, yoooouuu'rrrrre dead!

[pause]

Drew Carey : I want a lawyer.

Drew Carey : So, Mr. Wick, you're off to see your girlfriend.

Nigel Wick : Yes, I got all I need. Flowers and 100$.

Drew Carey : Ok...

Nigel Wick : Oh, yes. You see, she's always in need of money the poor thing. But I don't let that bother me. She's very nice, and shy. The girl won't even let me kiss her.

Drew Carey : Mr. Wick, is she a prostitute?

Nigel Wick : Oh, no! She's an actress who's researching the part of a prostitute, going on... 14 years now.

Drew Carey : Oh, and does she have a very strict acting coach who beats her with an iron pipe every once in a while?

[Drew and Mimi signed a truce, forbidding them to play pranks on each other]

Mimi Bobeck : Oops. Clumsy me. I just dropped a pen. I'm just gonna have to bend over and pick it up. Thus, leaving my butt open to a kick, stabbing, or the possible application of a humorous bumper sticker.

[bends over]

Drew Carey : I'm warning you, Mimi. You're waving a steak in front of a hungry dog... God, I want to hurt that butt!

Mimi Bobeck : It wants to be hurt!

Lewis Kiniski : [to Oswald] What are we watching here?

[Lewis and Oswald are acting dumb, in front of Drew's webcam]

Drew Carey : Look, the only two boobs nobody wants to see on the internet.

Lewis Kiniski : Ok, Drew. You need some practice. Pretend I'm Kate.

[takes out a picture of Kate, with the mouth cut off]

Lewis Kiniski : Give it to me, big boy!

[starts making motions with his tongue]

Drew Carey : Uhh, Lewis? Why do you have a picture of Kate with her mouth cut out?

Lewis Kiniski : Oh, don't worry. It's nothing weird. I have one of all of you.

[to his stomach]

Drew Carey : Why are you doing this to me? Look at you! No salads, no sit ups! You're the envy of your friends!

Drew Carey : I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?

Drew Carey : I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.

Drew Carey : Who would have thought that if you combine Steve and Mimi's genitals, something this beautiful could come out.

Drew Carey : [about Mimi] I can't take it anymore. She's either in my home, or at my work. I watch "Unsolved Mysteries". People disappear all the time. Why can't she?

Rachel Murray : Drew, you can't wear that suit, it was made in a factory that practices child labor. Underage children should not be forced to work like that.

Drew Carey : Of course not! Look at the crappy job they do! What I wouldn't give for two minutes alone with the brat that sewed this together...

[Drew and Kate are about to have sex for the first time]

Drew Carey : I'm a little nervous.

Kate O'Brien : Me, too. In fact, I'm so nervous, I over freshened a little. I hope you really, really, really like spring rain.

Drew Carey : [laughs] Well, this is it.

Kate O'Brien : Yeah. Think about it, this is the definitive moment of our relationship.

Drew Carey : What do you mean?

Kate O'Brien : Well, everything has been going so well, that the only thing that could ruin it is bad sex.

[pause]

Drew Carey : Well, goodbye erection!

Mimi Bobeck : I have a fertility problem. The doctor told me to take fertility pills.

Drew Carey : How many more do you have to take, before you become a woman?

Mimi Bobeck : If I wasn't feeling so lady-like right now, I'd bitch slap you all the way to the coffee machine.

Mimi Bobeck : Look at this- champagne, scented candles, Barry White CD's. Either you and O'Brien are going to do it, or it's gotten to the point where you have to get your hand in the mood.

Drew Carey : It's called romance. Not all of us can make our asses glow red to attract a mate.

Drew Carey : Wow, Lewis. That was fast. How did you learn to tie ties like that?

Lewis Kiniski : Oh, at Drug-Co we like to make the monkeys believe that we're going to turn them into people, before killing them. When they go into that room, all dressed up, there's nothing but a fat guy with a hammer...

[Mimi is wearing a Medieval dress]

Drew Carey : Well, well, well. If it isn't queen Isafella.

Drew Carey : [hangs up phone] Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow.

Kate O'Brien : That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again.

Drew Carey : Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me.

Oswald Lee Harvey : [to Lewis] This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change.

Drew Carey : Why are you guys wearing suits?

Lewis Kiniski : Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards!

Oswald Lee Harvey : Picking at the bones of her self respect!

Drew Carey : I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two.

Lewis Kiniski : Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me.

Kate O'Brien : You're not still attached to Lisa, are you?

Drew Carey : No, I'm not attached to my Lisa at all.

[Oswald and Lewis are having a double date]

Drew Carey : Hey, Oswald. Hey, Lewis.

Date #1 : Oswald? Lewis? Now, I remember! You two were the door-to-door underwear inspectors!

[girls get up and leave]

Lewis Kiniski : That was 10 years ago, baby! We're senators, now!

Kate O'Brien : So, what do you want me to do? Put my legs in the air and shut up?

Drew Carey : Is that a trick question?

Beulah Carey : Look, Drew, we brought the same minister that married me and your father.

Drew Carey : Uhh... Yeah, but... Kate and I can only be married by a Catholic priest!

Kate O'Brien : That's right! That way... our son could never grow up to be pope! See? I can't tell my parents that my son could never be pope! That's just crazy!

Beulah Carey : Oh, Kate... You and your Catholic Voodoo...

Mimi Bobeck : Steve! If you don't come out of this bathroom, I'm burning this house down!

Drew Carey : She'll do it, too! You saw what she did to her face!

[Pregnant women are attracted to Drew]

Drew Carey : Oh, I get it. You only want the bad boys to plant the seed. But, come the harvest, all the ladies want reliable old farmer Drew.

Suzanne : [puts Drew's hand on her stomach] Feel that? It's a boy!

Drew Carey : [puts her hand on his stomach] Feel that? I'm a boy, too!

Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't know about you guys, but I could sure use more beer.

Drew Carey : All right.

Oswald Lee Harvey : One case, coming right up.

Drew Carey : Why do you need a whole case?

Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't know. Why do you have to shed light on my addiction?

Drew Carey : Wendy, this thing here is Mimi.

Wendy : Hello.

Mimi Bobeck : Hi! I'm Mimi! If you ever need a friend, or want to talk... Well, too damn bad!

[Wendy leaves]

Drew Carey : Mimi, she's new in town, she's short on money, she doesn't have any friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Thanks for taking it easy on her.

Mimi Bobeck : Your brother turned me inside out last night.

Drew Carey : How can you tell?

[In a bar]

Drew Carey : First one to hurl is a girl.

Kate O'Brien : I can't believe Oswald has a son.

Drew Carey : I know. I feel bad for the kid. You grow up thinking your dad's Neil Armstrong. Instead, you get Forrest Gump.

Steve Carey : Hey, Mimi, I found something that'll help you get pregnant.

Drew Carey : [to Steve] A blindfold for your penis?

Mr. Soulard : What do you got there, Carey?

Drew Carey : Uhh, nothing, sir.

Mr. Soulard : Is that the new report?

Drew Carey : Uhh, yeah that's what it is.

Mr. Soulard : Well, let me see.

Drew Carey : No! Uhh... I mean, it's not finished.

Mr. Soulard : Let me see what's in your hand, Carey.

Drew Carey : Ok... uhh... It's uhh... a present for Kate. Yeah, it's erotic pictures of me. I'm in a thong.

Mr. Soulard : I got a feeling you're covering... But I can't take that chance.

[Drew's baseball team sucks]

Drew Carey : [to Kate, who's relaxing on a lawn chair] Kate, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be standing at first base!

Kate O'Brien : If somebody on this team actually gets to first base, I'll stand there naked.

Drew Carey : Hey, Lewis, I got a question. Did you ever sleep with a close friends' girlfriend?

Lewis Kiniski : Oh, I see where this is going... I'm in. But, Kate, when we're in bed Drew's and my eyes must never meet.

Kate O'Brien : Lewis, let me make this clear. The only way I'd lie next to you naked is if we're in a mass grave.

Drew Carey : We have to tell Oswald the truth eventually. I mean, we can't just keep distracting him with shiny objects... Ok, we can, but we got to stop doing that.

Drew Carey : How does a guy keep from doubling over every time he looks at his girlfriend?

[Drew, Oswald, and Lewis all look at Steve]

Steve Carey : That is just rude!

[after losing a bet, Steve has to eat dog food]

Steve Carey : I think I'm going to be sick.

Drew Carey : You put your tongue in Mimi's mouth and this is what makes you sick?

Steve Carey : It's a boy! We're having a boy!

[Drew comes in]

Mimi Bobeck : Actually, I'm glad it's not a girl. After all, what woman could live up to this beauty?

Drew Carey : All women, most men and some horses. Good morning.

[Mr. Wick needs a green card marriage]

Nigel Wick : I can't get married! All women I know hate me!

Drew Carey : Don't forget the fellas.

[gets up to leave]

Nigel Wick : Wait a second. I did forget the fellas. All I have to do is marry a man!

Drew Carey : You can't marry a man.

Nigel Wick : Yes, I can! There's a state where it's legal, now!

[gets down on one knee]

Nigel Wick : Drew, will you marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous?

[Oswald just found out he has a son]

Oswald Lee Harvey : His name is Robert Gates! I wish it was Bill though...

Drew Carey : How come?

Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, imagine all the fun you could have. 'Hey, Bill Gates, take out the trash! Hey, Bill Gates, mow the lawn! What're ya, Bill Gates, an idiot?'

[Drew and Mr. Wick are about to get married in Vermont]

Nigel Wick : Penny for your thoughts?

Drew Carey : I wish I would have died on the toilet last night.

Nigel Wick : Penny for your thoughts?

Drew Carey : I wish you would've died on the toilet last night.

Jenny : I can sleep with whoever I want to!

Drew Carey : You were going to sleep with me?

Mimi Bobeck : You'll sleep with him over my dead body!

Drew Carey : I'm having the best day ever!

[Mimi's pregnant]

Mimi Bobeck : I felt something kick!

Drew Carey : Hansel or Gretel?

Drew Carey : [about Mimi] Celia, this is makeup being tested on animals as we speak.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, your team really sucks... Is that a guy with a hunchback?

Drew Carey : That's a woman.

Lewis Kiniski : Give me a night and a bottle of wine, I'll straighten out that spine.

Kate O'Brien : Why didn't you just ask me for the money.

Drew Carey : I can't ask you for money. I'm "The Rock".

Kate O'Brien : "The Rock"?

Drew Carey : Yeah. I'm the one that's always stable and reliable. I'm the one who loans money, gives advice and helps you guys out. "The Rock"...

Kate O'Brien : You should be wearing a superhero outfit when you say that.

Drew Carey : Don't mock "The Rock"!

Kate O'Brien : They can't close the Warsaw. That's where I lost my Over-50-Guys virginity.

Drew Carey : You mean your Guys-Over-50 virginity, right?

Kate O'Brien : Uhh... Yeah.

[Drew, Kate, Oswald and Lewis come to a black church]

Drew Carey : Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind.

Mr. Nichols : No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded.

[Oswald, Lewis and Kate stare at him]

Mr. Nichols : Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight.

Preacher : You should come on Wednesday. It's Christian singles night. Lewis is always there, chatting up the young ladies.

Drew Carey : Christian singles night, huh?

Lewis Kiniski : I suppose you would prefer some snobby, stuck-up woman you met at a bar. Well, so would I. But that didn't work, so welcome to plan B.

[Mimi gets hit in the face with a pie]

Mimi Bobeck : Ha ha. A cream pie. Very funny.

Drew Carey : Actually, that's a cold cream pie.

Mimi Bobeck : COLD CREAM! I will get you back for this, Drew. From hell's heart, I stabeth thee, pig!

Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, I'm not going anywhere until I get my money.

Drew Carey : Get comfortable, pal. You're the worst mobile DJ I ever hired.

Oswald Lee Harvey : I thought people liked my voice.

[disguises voice]

Oswald Lee Harvey : This one's for all the lovers in the crowd.

Drew Carey : How about one for all the snipers in the crowd?

Mrs. Louder : And if you don't... this company will be 210 pounds lighter.

Drew Carey : [to Mimi] Hey, she thinks I only weigh 210 pounds!

Nigel Wick : I want your pee on my desk by the end of the afternoon.

Drew Carey : Oh, I'll pee on your desk.

Nigel Wick : In a cup.

Drew Carey : Oh, I'll pee in a cup.

Nigel Wick : Not my coffee cup.

Drew Carey : Oh, I just like talking like this because it makes you nervous.

[Drew is kicking Mr. Wick out of his house]

Drew Carey : You're still here? You know, you people have been kicked out of so many countries you'd think you'd be better at packing.

Nigel Wick : Well, it helps when we're at gunpoint.

Drew Carey : That can be arranged...

Drew Carey : [to Mimi] One of these days, I'm going to bite you and I'm going to get very, very sick.

Drew Carey : Hey, Mr. Wick. Did you talk to the new owner?

Nigel Wick : Yes.

Drew Carey : Did you talk to him about my raise?

Nigel Wick : Yes, Carey. You see, he's the kind of man whose first order of business is to pick the most insignificant drone in the company and to shower him with money?

Drew Carey : Really?

Nigel Wick : Yes. And he also told me that he's naming you King of Cleveland and that your sole task is to masturbate.

Drew Carey : I so want to believe you...

Nigel Wick : Oh, Carey. Let me ask you a question. How does "Drew Carey Store Manager" sound to you?

Drew Carey : It sounds like it's somewhere in between "Drew Carey Olympic Sprinter" and "Rebecca Romijn Carey".

[In a near death experience, Drew is judged for his sins]

Drew Carey : Masturbation wouldn't be a sin, would it? I mean, if it was I wouldn't be here, I'd be giving Hitler a sponge bath.

[Drew sneaks up behind Lewis at his work]

Drew Carey : Hey, Lewis. I got a little present for you. You want to smell something nice?

Lewis Kiniski : [before turning around, flattered] For the last time Frank, that's sexual harassment.

Lewis Kiniski : Hey, Drew. I got this new perfume from Drug-Co. You might want to try it out on your date.

Drew Carey : No, it's okay-

[Lewis sprays him with it]

Drew Carey : Damn it!... Hey, that actually smells pretty good.

Lewis Kiniski : I know.

[under his breath]

Lewis Kiniski : I'm sure you won't be in the 3%.

Drew Carey : What?

Lewis Kiniski : Nothing.

Drew Carey : What 3%?

Lewis Kiniski : Well, 3% of the test monkeys at Drug-Co tried to eat their own genitals.

Roscoe Harvey : Yeah, you're the kind of guy who'd give up his pudding real easy in the joint.

Drew Carey : B-By pudding you mean my... man-flower?

Roscoe Harvey : Uhh, no I mean your pudding. It's a dessert.

Drew Carey : This is my lucky sweater. It got me a "maybe" and a "what the hell, it's three AM, let's go."

[Steve and Mimi have sex]

Drew Carey : How could you do that in the room where I keep my perishables?

Drew Carey : You guys really think we can drink this much?

Lewis Kiniski : I think we can... remember D.W.I. Fridays?

[Kate, Lewis, and Oswald recover Drew's old refrigerator from the dump]

Drew Carey : Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge.

Kate O'Brien : It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.

Lewis Kiniski : Are you crying, Drew?

Drew Carey : It's that smell. It's killing me.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Hope you like it, Drew.

Drew Carey : Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter!

Drew Carey : Wow, what a great diet. You lose weight by drinking beer.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, I'm on that diet, too. You get drunk, you pass out. You don't eat for two days.

Steve Carey : If there's a bra on the door, don't come in. If there's two bras on the door, get a room. If I were you, I'd get a room.

Drew Carey : Wow, you dog you. Still a Carey.

[pauses]

Drew Carey : It's a girl, right?

Steve Carey : Yeah.

Drew Carey : Still a Carey.

[Kate throws a piece of cheese on the ground]

Drew Carey : Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.

[Drew and Lewis walk into Mimi's apartment]

Drew Carey : And... wow, my eyes wont focus.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, you go into a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap?

Kate O'Brien : Here, try some of these. I call them "Angel Wings".

Drew Carey : They're Pringles.

Mr. Wick : Both you and I want Mimi out of there as fast as possible. And I've come up with a plan. I call it "Operation Take Down The Clown".

Drew Carey : Great! How does it work?

Mr. Wick : I don't know. I spent all night thinking up the title.

Drew Carey : [on marriage] No! You get a dog! Or you take a cold-hearted look at your parent's life and the urge passes!

Drew Carey : I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!

Drew Carey : Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!

Drew Carey : [to Lewis] Come on, you were a genius before you met Oswald.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Like I told you, buddy, smarty had a party and nobody came.

Drew Carey : [to Mimi] Look, I hope you don't have to cry. Because if you start to cry and your makeup starts to run, I don't think we're going to have that kind of time.

Drew Carey : Ask me about my day, I dare you.

Lewis Kiniski : Drew, how was your day?

Drew Carey : You're not sincere enough.

[points to Oswald]

Drew Carey : YOU! Ask me about my day.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Drew, how was your day?

Drew Carey : Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.

[as Mimi's desk is lit on fire]

Drew Carey : Hey, Mimi, how do you like your desk? Regular or extra crispy?

Nikki : All right, for dinner with my parents tonight, the dress that says "Hi mom and dad, I'm happy" OR

[holds up another dress]

Nikki : the dress that says "Hi mom and dad, Drew's happy"?

Drew Carey : I see you've been shopping at our "get a load of these" department.

Kate O'Brien : Drew, come on, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Drew Carey : I know of an all night fry place where they never shut off the deep fryer and the cops look the other way.

Drew Carey : Don't you ever wear guy clothes on a date?

Steve Carey : I wore jeans once, but you know, they were the kind with the zippers on the ankles.

Drew Carey : [dancing with Speedy] Daddy's got a girlfriend! Daddy's got a girlfriend!

[Sharon walks in]

Drew Carey : You had your chance, woman...

Drew Carey : For the next few days, he'll replace my shadow.

[before anybody can talk; points to Kate]

Drew Carey : Yeah, shadow, more like the population of China!

[points to Lewis]

Drew Carey : Yeah, shadow, more like a solar eclipse!

[points to Oswald]

Drew Carey : Yeah, shadow, 'cause you're so fat!

[pause]

Drew Carey : Real original, Oswald.

Mimi Bobeck : Hey, Drew, I got something for you to wear in prison.

[pulls out a wedding veil and laughs]

Drew Carey : I'll still need it before you do.

Mimi Bobeck : Oh, and I booked a massage for you this afternoon.

Drew Carey : Wait a minute, you want me to believe that I'm going to lie down naked on a table and nothing's going to happen?

Mimi Bobeck : Does it ever?

Larry Almada : How come there's no couch in the men's room?

Drew Carey : If there was, would you want to lay on it?

Drew Carey : I'm tired of being the hall monitor. I want to be the stoner who gets the art teacher knocked up.

Drew Carey : I'm sorry, Mr. Wick, but your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.

[pauses]

Drew Carey : That's right, your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.

[pauses]

Drew Carey : Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.

[pauses]

Drew Carey : Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.

[pauses]

Drew Carey : Boy, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.

Drew Carey : Say, this burger isn't bad.

Lewis Kiniski : It was created in a test kitchen.

Drew Carey : Test kitchen?

Lewis Kiniski : Oh, I'll need to ask you a few questions. Are you experiencing any side effects?

Drew Carey : You're going to be experiencing some side effects if you don't tell me what's in this burger!

Lewis Kiniski : Mood swings, that's obvious.

Mrs.Harvey : Drew, we're both adults now. You can call me Kim.

Drew Carey : I cant, it ruins the fantasy.

Lewis Kiniski : Hey Mr. Wick, what were some of the things you've been fired for?

Mr. Wick : Let's see - drunk,

[pauses]

Mr. Wick : drunk,

[pauses]

Mr. Wick : I don't know what the technical term is, but whipping it out in an elevator.

[pauses]

Mr. Wick : Drunk,

[pauses]

Mr. Wick : drunk,

[pauses]

Mr. Wick : whipping it out in an office.

[pauses]

Mr. Wick : I was telling the elevator story at another job.

Drew Carey : Oh!

[Lewis and Oswald have a picture of Drew skinny dipping]

Mimi Bobeck : Hey, losers poker! What's the winning hand?

Lewis Kiniski : Read this and weep.

Mimi Bobeck : Oh geez.

[faints]

Drew Carey : Quick, somebody tag her before the dart wears off.

Drew Carey : I'm not promising you anything, sir.

Mr. Wick : Oh, and I'm promising you blah blah blah, promises promotions, blah blah blah.

Mr. Wick : Oh, Mimi. I must have you. And I must have you right here, on Carey's desk!

Drew Carey : [to Lewis] Oh my god, that hamburger must have killed me! I'm in hell!

Lewis Kiniski : I know how many cockroaches it takes to tow a toothbrush. I know the last meal of every man executed in the last 100 years. I know which Vice-Presidents were gay and which ones were robots, and which one was a gay robot.

Drew Carey : Little Danny Quayle?

[Lewis is pretending not to know Drew for an "unbiased" beer taste-test]

Lewis : Mmm, it's not bad.

Drew : [Angrily] It's Cap-Beer-Chino. It's the new competition for Buzz Beer?

Lewis : Oh. Well, it's malty... nutty... and yet... I'm completely blind!

Drew : I forgot, who loves rock and roll?

Oswald : Probably my son. Anything to chap the old man's ass!

Drew : Look, I know Kate's in love with someone. I just need to know who it is.

Lewis : No, I promised I wouldn't tell.

Drew : Just give me a hint.

Lewis : Sorry *Drew.* No hints *Drew.* Understand *Drew?* You hear me *Drew?* What's the haps, brother?

[seeing Mimi behind the wheel of a muscle car]

Drew Carey : Hey look, 800 horses under the hood and one behind the wheel.

Mr. Wick : Carey, doesn't it seem like the days are just screaming by?

Drew : Actually, Sir, that was me you heard screaming."

Drew : I heard there was a nude beach around here, is that true?

Bell Hop : Are you thinking of watching or... joining in?

Drew : Well, I was thinking of maybe joining in...

Bell Hop : No, man.

[after Drew asks what he should do to get his girlfriend back]

Lewis Kiniski : I say we kill what she loves must in life that way you go up a notch.

Drew Carey : What did you come up with Oswald?

Oswald Lee Harvey : Beard of bee's

[Daffy Duck is applying for a job; Drew asks for qualifications]

Daffy Duck : Qualifications? Why, I have qualifications coming out the wazoo!

[Daffy opens a carpetbag labeled "wazoo", pulls out items as he calls them out]

Daffy Duck : I have an MBA, a PhD, an EKG, a BLT,

[eats BLT, Carey is disappointed]

Daffy Duck : a TNT, and a heaping load of TLC.

[Daffy pampers Drew - filing his nails, polishing his head, etc. - ends by lying on his lap and kissing him]

Daffy Duck : So what do you say, fat boy?

Drew Carey : I say get off my L-A-P. You're one weird duck.

Daffy Duck : You're not just whistling Dixie!

[Drew brings Pastor Lindemann to his office]

Drew Carey : Right over here, Pastor. All right, you can start the exorcism.

[Mimi's back is turned]

Pastor Lindemann : But that's just a woman.

[Mimi turns around and speaks in a hoarse voice]

Mimi Bobeck : What do you want?

Pastor Lindemann : I think we're gonna need a Catholic for this one.

Drew Carey : [firing a co-worker who's apparently insane] You know, my mom used to say, "God never closes a door without opening a window".

Earl : Oh. My mom used to say,

[shouts]

Earl : "Close that damn door or I will throw you out the window!"

Drew Carey : [introducing his new girlfriend to Mimi] Mimi, this is Sioux with an "x". Sioux, this is Mimi with an extra chromosome.

Drew Carey : [to Kellie about annoying neighbor, Buddy] Do you want to be the shooter, or do you want to dig the hole?

Drew Carey : Lewis, I need you to stop the wedding.

Lewis Kiniski : Okay.

[beat]

Drew Carey : Don't you even want to know why?

Lewis Kiniski : [sagely] Would it have something to do with the fact that Oswald is an immature man-child trapped in a kind of "prolonged adolescence," and that, while at first that appealed to Kate, she now feels she needs someone more challenging to what she perceives as her intellect?

Drew Carey : Wow! How did you know all that?

Lewis Kiniski : Do you believe in Magic Cheese, Drew?

Oswald Lee Harvey : Whoof! Where have you been? You smell like garbage and gunpowder!

Drew Carey : I was at the dump with Mimi.

Lewis Kiniski : You fool, you can't bury her there! That's the first place they'll look!

Drew Carey : Man, I can't believe I almost beat Jay up and humiliated him in front of the entire Warsaw.

Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow. What was your plan, tire him out by letting him beat the crap outta you?

Drew Carey : [after Mimi removes a wig and dress, making her look like her usual self] Good lord, Miss Jones, you're hideous!

Drew Carey : Quick, somebody highlight everything I hate!

Drew Carey : I'm not backing down until we get a crosswalk! Will you give it to us?

Nigel Wick : Hmmm... no.

Drew Carey : Will you think about it?

Nigel Wick : Hmmm... no.

Drew Carey : Will you change your mind?

Nigel Wick : Maybe the 'hmmm' is confusing you; No!

Drew Carey : Let me tell you something I've learned about relationships...

[brief pause]

Drew Carey : Any other questions?

Drew Carey : Fine, then I'm giving up my job for Mimi. I'm giving my job up for Mimi. I am giving up my job for Mimi. Wow, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.

Drew Carey : That's it! No one sticks their hand in Drew Carey's drawers and pulls out his goodies!

Drew Carey : No one puts their hands in Drew Carey's drawers and pulls out his goodies!

Nigel Wick : I'm not so sure about this. You invite me over here in the middle of the night, the lights are off... If I hear a belt being unbuckeled, I'm out of here.

Drew Carey : What do you people take me for?

Drew Carey : Hey Mr. Wick.

[Points to Mr. Wicks face]

Drew Carey : You have a little something there.

Nigel Wick : [Mr. Wick wipes his face and looks at his hand] Oh that's just a little blood... OH MY!

[Faint's and falls into Drew's arms]

Drew Carey : [Drew stands there for a second] THIS IS FOR MIMI!

[Throws Mr. Wick to the ground]

Drew Carey : AND MY CANDY... But mostly the candy.

Drew Carey : [to an exceedingly ancient worker] Maybe it's time to quit, go home and watch your grandchildren retire.

Drew Carey : [Lisa, Kate and Mimi are all standing in Drew's cubicle] Yes, Charlie, all the angels are here... only, one of them had a terrible accident with a paint truck!

Lisa Robbins : [on Mimi] I couldn't get her to take off her make-up...

Drew Carey : I heard they tried once, and there was a whole other painting underneath it.

Mimi Bobeck : They even sent a car for me.

Drew Carey : Oh, too bad it missed.

Drew Carey : Hi, I'm Drew Carey. You know in all the years we've been on television, we've never won an Emmy award. Never! Can't even get nominated! Nothing for acting, nothing for writing, nothing! We thought this year might be different after all the shows we've did but nope, we've don't have a chance in hell this year either. So some of the guys around here thought if we did just this one special episode, something filled with social importance and big tear-jerking emotional things, that we'd have a chance. And that maybe the emmy people would notice just once, just once in our stinking miserable lives! But I said NO! We're not gonna have our actors hamming it up just to win some stupid award.

Lewis Kiniski : [barging in] Drew! This homeless woman is having a baby for your consideration!

Drew Carey : [to Mimi] Like the doctor said the day you were born, "It's gonna get ugly!"

[trying to "gay up" Drew's house to make their faux-gay marriage look real, Mr. Wick brings over a breadmaker]

Drew Carey : Oh, c'mon, how is a breadmaker gay?

Nigel Wick : Oh how is it *not*?

Drew Carey : [Mimi is hanging up her laundry in Drew's backyard] Wow. All I need is a three legged dog and I'm officially white trash.

Drew Carey : Every time I think that a woman is interested in me, there's always another, more logical explanation.

The Drew Carey Show (1995–2004)

Drew Carey: Drew Carey, Baby Bobeck Carey, Various

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