Men in Black (1997)
Will Smith: Jay
Photos
Quotes
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Edwards : Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
Kay : A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Edwards : What's the catch?
Kay : The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
[starts walking away]
Edwards : [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?
Kay : Oh yeah, it's worth it...
[starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
Kay : ... if you're strong enough!
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Kay : We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Jay : Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay : There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
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Jay : [holds up his badge] See that? NYPD, means I will Knock Your Punkass Down!
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James Edwards : Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?
Zed : [noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son?
Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson : Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!
Zed : [throws Edwards a contemptible glance as Edwards laughs] What's so funny, Edwards?
James Edwards : Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
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Jay : [suited up] You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.
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Jay : All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
Kay : Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
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[In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
Zed : May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards : Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed : How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards : Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
[pause]
James Edwards : Or do I owe her an apology?
[pause]
James Edwards : That's a good shot though...
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Zed : Kay, give the kid a weapon.
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay : A Series Four De-atomizer.
Jay : That's what I'm talkin' about.
Kay : [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
Jay : [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you - you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I - I get a little - little midgy cricket?
Kay : [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! Kid...
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay : Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!
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[K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
Kay : You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
Kay : That's better.
[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
Jay : Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
Jay : You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay : No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
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[Jay and Kay meet a strange-looking man holding a dog on a leash]
Jay : [1:06:33] Now that's the worst disguise ever. That guy's gotta be an alien.
Frank the Pug : You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt!
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Kay : All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
Jay : Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
Kay : A standard issue neuralyzer.
Jay : And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Kay : On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
Jay : Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.
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[J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]
Jay : [to startled passengers] It just be raining black people in New York!
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[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
Jay : And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay : Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay : You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Kay : Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
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Kay : Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay : A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay : One hour.
Jay : One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay : Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
Kay : Look, kid, to keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians WILL destroy that galaxy.
Zed : And whatever planet it's on.
Jay : You're talking about us?
Zed : [chuckles] Sucks, huh?
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Kay : Do you remember the little red button?
Jay : [warily] Yeah...
Kay : Push the little red button.
[Jay pushes it]
Kay : And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
Jay : Kay! Kayyyyy!
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Jay : Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S.
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Jay : [stepping on some cockroaches] Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle over there!
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Jay : What branch of the government do we report to?
Kay : None, they ask too many questions.
Jay : So who pays for all this?
Kay : We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.
Jay : That's fun.
Kay : It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?
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[J crushes cockroaches, which enrages Edgar]
Jay : Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!
[Laurel Weaver looks at the two, amazed as Edgar leans close to Jay]
Jay : You better ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.
[Kay cocks his gun while inside Edgar's stomach]
Jay : Too late.
[He gets blasted into two from inside, Kay falls down next to Jay as they both are covered in slime]
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NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation : Edwards, if you were half the man that I am...
Jay : Hey man, what are you talking about? I AM half the man that you are!
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Kay : [at newsstand] We'll check the hot sheets.
Jay : *These* are the hot sheets?
Kay : Best investigative reporting on the planet. Read the New York Times if you want, they get lucky sometimes.
Jay : I cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids.
Kay : [front-age article about farmer's stolen skin] Not looking for. Found.
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Kay : [looking skywards] They're beautiful, aren't they?
Jay : What?
Kay : The stars.
Jay : K, you're frightening your partner...
Kay : I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.
Jay : K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?
Dr. Weaver : Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...
Kay : I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
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Jay : HEY, OLD GUYS! Do those still work?
[points at the ships on the towers at Flushing Meadows]
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Police Inspector : I want to talk to you.
NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation : [shouting at Edwards] Ten minutes - you take your best shot, tough guy!
Police Inspector : Outside, now!
James Edwards : Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard!
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Jay : All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.
Kay : Two minutes.
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Frank the Pug : The galaxy is here!
Kay : What do you mean "here?"
Jay : Galaxy's millions of stars and planets. How's it here?
Frank the Pug : You humans! When will you learn size doesn't matter? Just because something's important, doesn't mean it's not very small.
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Perp : [talking to himself] He's coming! He's coming!
James Edwards : Yeah, and when he gets here, I'll arrest his ass too!
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Kay : Did he say anything to you?
James Edwards : Yeah, that the world is coming to an end.
Kay : Did he say when?
[Edwards looks at K oddly]
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[the alien perp is on top of a building running away from Jay. He opens up a door and sees Jay pointing his gun at him]
Jay : What's up?
Perp : He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me, too.
Jay : Yeah, well you just pissing everybody off today, huh?
Perp : You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.
[He blinks with his eyeballs]
Jay : What the hell are you?
[the perp is on the edge of the building]
Jay : Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Let me talk to you. Hey, hey!
[the perp raises his arms, falls off the building and lands on the sidewalk]
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Jeebs : [Edwards enters his store] Officer Eduardo! How did these get here? I thought I turned these into the proper authorities.
Jay : Well, the way I hear it Jeebs, you're into something hotter than some stolen Rolexes.
Jeebs : I'm also a huge crack dealer now, but I still work here because I love the hours.
Jay : I'm talking about guns, smart-ass. Weird ones.
Jeebs : Come on, Edwards. What you see is what I got.
Kay : [enters the store] Why don't you show him the imports, Jeebs?
Jeebs : Hiya, Kay. How are you?
Kay : Show him the imports right now!
Jeebs : Yeah... I got out of that business a long time ago.
Kay : Why do you lie to me Jeebs? I hate it when you lie.
Jeebs : Now, just hold on a second...
Kay : [aims his gun at Jeebs] I'm gonna count to three.
Jay : He'll do it, Jeebs.
Kay : One.
Jay : I'm telling you, that man does not look stable.
Kay : Two.
Jay : You know what? Talk to me; he... he is just crazy when he's like this
Jeebs : He's always crazy. Why don't you get a message? Take a cruiser...
Kay : Three!
[Blows Jeebs' head off]
Jay : [aims his gun at Kay] Drop the weapon and put your hands on your head!
Kay : I warned him.
Jay : DROP THE WEAPON!
Kay : You warned him.
Jay : Don't make me kill you.
Jeebs : [as his head grows back, Jay looks in astonishment] You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings?
Kay : Show us the merchandise, or you going to lose another head, Jeebs.
[Jeebs rotates the cases and everything is replaced by alien guns]
Kay : Mr. Edwards?
Jay : Right there... The one in the middle.
Kay : You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopod! Jeebs, you piece of sh...
Jeebs : He looked alright to me.
Kay : It must have been for an assassination. Who's the target?
Jeebs : You know I don't know.
Kay : [aims his gun at Jeebs' head] GODAMNIT, JEEBS!
Jeebs : I DON'T KNOW!
Kay : All right, let's confiscate it; all of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.
Jay : [shaken] Yeah, an... and... and I'ma be back t-to talk about them Rolexes.
[he and Jay leave the store]
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Jay : [to Bug] Oh, you have so got to die!
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Jay : There's only one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
[the bug kicks Jay aside]
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Edgar : You idiots! You don't get it - I've won! It's over! You're milksuckers! You don't matter! In fact, in just a few seconds you won't even BE matter!
Kay : You're under arrest for violating sections of the Tycho Treaty.
Jay : So hand over whatever galaxy you are carrying and step away from your busted-ass vehicle and put your hands on your head.
Edgar : I'll put my hands on my head. Like this?
[tears off his skin to reveal himself as the alien bug, and the agents proceed to fight him]
-
Kay : In the mid-50s the government started an underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everyone thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us that first night. Seven agents, one astronomer,
[MiB photo of himself with an alien]
Kay : and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.
Jay : Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers.
Kay : This way... They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see 'Casablanca?' Same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed and concealed all the evidence of their landing.
Jay : So these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was a cover-up for their landing?
Kay : Why else hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and live among us in secret.
Jay : Look, I'm sorry. Not to change the subject, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?
Kay : Six months ago. It's company policy.
Jay : Make another appointment.
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Jay : [blows out] That's right, that's - Ooh! Um, Kay! Oh, damn, man! Hey, uh, something's - Kay! Something's peekin', man!
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Jay : Dr. uh... Whatever, come here.
Dr. Weaver : Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?
Kay : Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family.
Dr. Weaver : I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.
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Dr. Weaver : [still disoriented from being neuralyzed] Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.
Kay : Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please.
[neuralyzes her again]
Jay : Would you stop that!
Kay : What?
Jay : That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something!
Kay : Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute.
Jay : Never hurt her before? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?
Kay : Couple.
Jay : So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage?
Kay : A little.
Jay : K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay : No.
Jay : I ain't playing with you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?
Kay : No.
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Rosenberg Alien : [gasps and wheezes] Must... to prevent... contest...
Jay : It's okay, what are you tryin to say?
Rosenberg Alien : [softly] To prevent...
Jay : To prevent... struggle?
Rosenberg Alien : [sighs] To prevent...
Elle : War?
Rosenberg Alien : War...
Rosenberg Alien : [continues wheezing and gasping] The Galaxy... is on... Orion's... Beh... Beh... What is word?
Jay : Bed... Belt? Orion's Belt?
Rosenberg Alien : [he shooks his head and then Jay looks at the Arquilian dying]
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Zed : You're late. Sit down.
[Edwards takes the remaining chair. The elevator doors slide shut. Zed continues addressing the Recruits]
Zed : My name is Zed. You're all here because you're the best of the best. Marines, Navy SEALS, Army Rangers... NYPD. And we're looking for one of you. Just one. What will follow is a series of simple tests designed to quantify motor skills, hand-eye coordination, concentration, stamina.
Zed : [notices Edwards has his hand raised] I see we have a question.
Jay : Uh yeah. I'm... I'm sorry, maybe you already answered this but... , but -- why, exactly, are we here?
[Silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises his hand. Zed calls on him]
Zed : Son?
1st Lt. Jake Jensen : [loud and formal] 2nd Lieutenant Jensen. West Point graduate with honours. We're here because you want the best of the best of the best, sir!
Jay : [Edwards tries to stifle a laugh, but can't]
Zed : What's so funny, Edwards?
Jay : Your boy, Captain America, here. "The best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honours." He's just really excited, and he has no clue why we're here. That's very funny to me. Y'all ain't laughing, though.
Zed : Okay, let's get going.
