Inglourious Basterds (2009)

B.J. Novak: Pfc. Smithson Utivich

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Quotes 

• Lt. Aldo Raine : My name is Lt. Aldo Raine and I'm putting together a special team, and I need me eight soldiers. Eight Jewish-American soldiers. Now, y'all might've heard rumors about the armada happening soon. Well, we'll be leaving a little earlier. We're gonna be dropped into France, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis. Now, I don't know about y'all, but I sure as hell didn't come down from the goddamn Smoky Mountains, cross five thousand miles of water, fight my way through half of Sicily and jump out of a fuckin' air-o-plane to teach the Nazis lessons in humanity. Nazi ain't got no humanity. They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are. And they will find the evidence of our cruelty in the disemboweled, dismembered, and disfigured bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the German won't not be able to help themselves but to imagine the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, and our boot heels, and the edge of our knives. And the German will be sickened by us, and the German will talk about us, and the German will fear us. And when the German closes their eyes at night and they're tortured by their subconscious for the evil they have done, it will be with thoughts of us they are tortured with. Sound good?

  Sgt. Donny Donowitz , Pfc. Hirschberg , Pfc. Andy Kagan , Pfc. Simon Sakowitz , Pfc. Omar Ulmer , Pfc. Smithson Utivich , Cpl. Wilhelm Wicki , Pfc. Michael Zimmerman : YES, SIR!

  Lt. Aldo Raine : That's what I like to hear. But I got a word of warning for all you would-be warriors. When you join my command, you take on debit. A debit you owe me personally. Each and every man under my command owes me one hundred Nazi scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y'all will git me one hundred Nazi scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Nazis. Or you will die tryin'.

• [last lines] 

  Lt. Aldo Raine : Y'know... Utivich 'n myself heard that deal you made with the brass. "End the war tonight"?... I'd make that deal. How 'bout you Utivich, you make that deal?

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : [busy scalping Hermann]  I'd make that deal.

  Lt. Aldo Raine : I don't blame ya! Damn good deal! And that purty little nest you feathered for yourself. Well, if you're willing to barbecue the whole high command, I 'spose that's worth certain considerations. But I do have one question. When you get to your little place on Nantucket Island, I 'magine you're gonna take off that handsome-lookin' S.S. uniform of yours, ain'tcha?... That's what I thought. Now that I can't abide. How 'bout you Utivich, can you abide it?

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : [finishes scalping Hermann]  Not one damn bit, sir.

  Lt. Aldo Raine : I mean, if I had my way... you'd wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-suckin' life. But I'm aware that ain't practical, I mean at some point you're gonna hafta take it off. So. I'm 'onna give you a little somethin' you can't take off.

  [cut to Landa screaming and crying as Raine carves a swastika into his forehead] 

  Lt. Aldo Raine : [smirks widely]  You know somethin', Utivich? I think this just might be my masterpiece!

  [Raine and Utvich grin sardonically as the credits roll] 

• Col. Hans Landa : [to Aldo]  So you're "Aldo the Apache".

  Lt. Aldo Raine : So you're "the Jew Hunter".

  Col. Hans Landa : A detective. A damn good dectective. Finding people is my specialty so naturally I work for the Nazis finding people, and yes some of them were Jews. But "Jew Hunter"?

  Col. Hans Landa : [reacts in disgust]  It's just a name that stuck.

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : Well, you do have to admit, it is catchy.

  Col. Hans Landa : Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you? "Aldo the Apache" and "the Little Man"?

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : [confused]  What do you mean "the Little Man"?

  Col. Hans Landa : Germans' nickname for you.

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : The Germans' nickname for me is "the Little Man"?

  Col. Hans Landa : And as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life. I mean, you're a little fellow, but not circus-midget little, as your reputation would suggest.

• Col. Hans Landa : Tell me, Aldo, if I were sitting where you're sitting, would you show me mercy?

  Lt. Aldo Raine : Nope.

  Col. Hans Landa : What is that English expression about shoes and feet?

  Lt. Aldo Raine : "Looks like the shoe is on the other foot." Yeah, I was just thinking that.

  Col. Hans Landa : [in German]  You may leave us. But stay alert outside.

  [in English] 

  Col. Hans Landa : So you're Aldo the Apache.

  Lt. Aldo Raine : So you're the Jew Hunter.

  Col. Hans Landa : I'm a detective. A damn good detective. Finding people is my specialty, so naturally, I worked for the Nazis finding people and yes, some of them were Jews, but Jew Hunter?

  [Scoffs] 

  Col. Hans Landa : Just a name that stuck.

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : Well, you do have to admit it is catchy.

  Col. Hans Landa : Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you? Aldo the Apache and the Little Man?

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : What do you man, the Little Man?

  Col. Hans Landa : Germans' nickname for you.

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : The Germans' nickname for me is the Little Man?

  Col. Hans Landa : And, as if to make my point, I'm a little surprised how tall you were in real life. I mean, you're a little fellow, but not "circus-midget" little, as your reputation would suggest.

  Lt. Aldo Raine : Where's my men? Where Bridget von Hammersmark?

  Col. Hans Landa : Well, let's just say she got what she deserved. And when you purchase friends like Bridget von Hammersmark, you get what you pay for. Now, as far as your paesanos, Sergeant Donowitz and Private Omar...

  Lt. Aldo Raine : How you know our names?

  Col. Hans Landa : Lieutenant Aldo, if you don't think I wouldn't interrogate every single one of your swastika-marked survivors... We simply aren't operating on the level of mutual respect I assumed.

  Lt. Aldo Raine : No, I guess not.

  Col. Hans Landa : Well, back to the whereabouts of your two Italian saboteurs. As of this moment, both Omar and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in, 0023 and 0024, if my memory serves, explosives still around their ankles, ready to explode, and your mission, some would call it a terrorist plot, as of this moment, is still a go.

  Lt. Aldo Raine : That's a purdy exciting story. What's next? Eliza on Ice?

  Col. Hans Landa : However, all I have to do is pick up this phone right here, inform the cinema, and your plan's kaput.

  Lt. Aldo Raine : If they're still there, and if they're still alive, and that's one big "If", there ain't no way you gonna take them boys without setting off them bombs.

  Col. Hans Landa : I have no doubt. And yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very, very, very mad at you for what you've done to his big night, but you won't get Hitler, you won't get Goebbels, you won't get Göring, and you won't get Bormann and you need all four to end the war. But if I don't pick up this phone right here, you may very well get all four and if you get all four, you end the war. Tonight.

  [Landa opens a bottle of Chianti] 

  Col. Hans Landa : So, gentlemen, let's discuss the prospect of ending the war tonight.

  [He pours wine for himself, Aldo, and Utivich] 

  Col. Hans Landa : So, the way I see it, since Hitler's death or possible rescue rests solely on my reaction, if I do nothing, it's as if I'm causing his death even more than yourselves. Wouldn't you agree?

  Lt. Aldo Raine : I guess so.

  Col. Hans Landa : How 'bout you, Utivich?

  Pfc. Smithson Utivich : I guess so too.

  Col. Hans Landa : Gentleman, I have no intention of killing Hitler and killing Goebbels and killing Göring and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before a Jewish tribunal. If you want to win the war tonight, we have to make a deal!

  Lt. Aldo Raine : What kind of deal?

  Col. Hans Landa : The kind you wouldn't have the authority to make. However, I'm sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer. A general. I'm betting for... OSS would be my guess.

  [pause] 

  Col. Hans Landa : Ooh! That's a bingo! Is that the way you say it? "That's a bingo"?

  Lt. Aldo Raine : You just say "Bingo".

  Col. Hans Landa : Bingo! How fun! But I digress. Where were we? Yeah! Make a deal. Over there is a very capable two-way radio and sitting behind it is a more than capable radio operator named Hermann. Get me someone on the other end of that radio with the power of the pen to authorize my, let's call it, the terms of my conditional surrender, if that tastes better going down.

  Lt. Aldo Raine : You know, where I'm from...

  Col. Hans Landa : Yeah, where is that exactly?

  Lt. Aldo Raine : Maynardville, Tennessee. I've done my share of bootlegging. Up there, if you engage in what the federal government calls illegal activity, but what we call just a man trying to make a living for his family, selling moonshine liquor, it behooves oneself to keep his wits. Long story short: We hear a story too good to be true, it ain't.

  Col. Hans Landa : Sitting in your chair, I would probably say the same thing, and 999,999 times out of 1,000,000, you would be correct. But in the pages of history, every once in a while, Fate reaches out and extend its hand.

  [shrugs] 

  Col. Hans Landa : What shall the history books read?