Hitch (I) (2005)

Kevin James: Albert

Photos 

Quotes 

• Albert : You know what it's like getting up every morning feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But, at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you?

• Hitch : [practicing kissing technique with Albert, as Allegra]  I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.

  Albert : I had a... great time, too, Allegra... with a beard.

  [Albert leans in for a kiss, but stops when Hitch rolls his eyes] 

  Albert : What's up?

  Hitch : I'm not feeling it.

  Albert : What do you mean? I... I came ninety.

  Hitch : I'm just not feeling like you want it. Look, I'm Allegra Cole. The woman of your dreams. The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire. Now show me the magic, Albert. Show me the ma...

  [Albert kisses Hitch] 

  Hitch : What the hell was that?

  Albert : I'm showing you the magic!

  Hitch : No, I said come ninety and then *I'll* come ten! You don't go the whole hundred! My mouth was open, Albert! You overeager son-of-a... blech!

  [Hitch walks away] 

  Albert : Other than that, how was it?

• Albert : [to Egon]  What was your name, Eggnog?

• [Albert is holding a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts] 

  Hitch : What you got there?

  Albert : This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

• Hitch : All right, come on, just... show me what you got.

  Albert : What do you... what do you mean?

  Hitch : Just show me how you would kiss me.

  Albert : Well, I... *wouldn't* kiss you.

  Hitch : I'm not me. I'm Allegra.

  Albert : [frowns]  But you're really not.

  Hitch : Okay, Albert. End of the night, you're dropping me off at home. Show me the magic.

  Albert : Yeah. You know, I'm really not comfortable with this...

  Hitch : [grabs Albert's hand, pretends to be Allegra]  Albert, I had such a wonderful time with you!

  Albert : Yeah. How about those Knicks, huh?

  Hitch : [reaches for his keys]  See what I'm doing? All right? This is a signal, okay? I'm fiddling with my keys, all right? A woman who doesn't want to kiss takes her keys out, puts them in the door, goes in the house. A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles.

  [jingles the keys] 

  Hitch : I'm fiddling.

• Hitch : Love is my life.

  Albert : No, love is your job!

• Albert : You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.

  Hitch : Look, you will. Just give it time.

  Albert : That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.

• Hitch : Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back, say it in her ear like a secret. But watch your hand placement, too high says, 'I just wanna be friends,' too low says, 'I just wanna grab some ass.'

  Albert : [making holding gestures at different levels]  Okay... Friends. Ass. Me.

• Hitch : Heard of Michelangelo? Heard of the Sistine Chapel?

  Albert : Yeah?

  [Points at himself] 

  Hitch : Michelangelo.

  [Points at Albert] 

  Hitch : Sistine Chapel.

  Albert : So you're saying you can make this work?

  Hitch : My name is Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

• Albert : [showing Hitch his dance moves]  Do the Q-tip! Q-tip! Now throw it away! Now what am I doing? I'm makin a pizza!

• Hitch : What is the objective?

  Albert : [softly]  Shock and awe.

  Hitch : That was shockingly awful. What is the objective?

  Albert : Shock and awe.

  Hitch : *What* is the *objective*?

• Albert : You can't stop it...

  [shouts] 

  Albert : You cannot stop it...