Daria (TV Series)

The Teachings of Don Jake (1997)

Wendy Hoopes: Jane Lane, Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer

Quotes 

• Quinn Morgendorffer : Daddy, Remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be 50 dollars an hour.

  Jake Morgendorffer : 50 dollars an hour?

  Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer : Well i got the bad news on the periodontist, 6 months worth of gum work, 800 dollars a month.

  Jake Morgendorffer : 800 dollars a month?

  Daria Morgendorffer : Mail's here. Did you know congress still spends 250 billion a year on the military?

  Jake Morgendorffer : 250 BILLION A YEAR? Damn it, that's it Daria! What am i made of? Money?

  Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer : Jake, were you listening? Daria said...

  Jake Morgendorffer : Tutoring, dental work, congress! I'm not a machine dammit. I'm a man. For once in my stinking life, show a little *screams in pain*

  Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer : Oh Jakey, not again

  Jake Morgendorffer : IT'S MY EYE, OH GOD IT'S MY EYE!

  Daria Morgendorffer : Oh no, get the camera!

  Quinn Morgendorffer : Ah

  Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer : No camera Daria. Uhh, remember what the doctor said the last time you burst a blood vessel?

  Jake Morgendorffer : Yeah. He said it'll be 200 dollars.

• Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer : [telling campfire stories at night]  "You're a vampire?" she whispered to the pale stranger with the brooding eyes. She felt her bosom blush and heave with excitement. "You've come to take my blood!" "Your blood?" he laughed. "Oh, there's time enough to take your blood. Tonight I'm going to take your..."

  [Jake, scared, signals at Helen to end the story] 

  Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer : "Take your pulse! To make sure that, you know, the blood will be there when I come back."

  [Daria and Quinn glare with boredom at Helen] 

• [Daria and Quinn are in their tent. Only their eyes can be seen] 

  Quinn Morgendorffer : Daria?

  Daria : Yes, Quinn?

  Quinn Morgendorffer : Do you feel weird sharing a tent?

  Daria : As long as it's with you and not a bear, I guess I'm okay with it.

  Quinn Morgendorffer : Remember when we were little and we shared a room?

  Daria : Yes, Quinn.

  Quinn Morgendorffer : I hated that.

  Daria : So did I.

  Quinn Morgendorffer : It's fun to reminisce, isn't it?

  Daria : You bet.

• [Jane finds out the Morgendorffers are going camping] 

  Daria : I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.

  Jane : I do envy you.

  Daria : Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain and you'll have to be destroyed.

• [Jane and Trent are on a plane on their way to a family reunion which they are not at all thrilled about] 

  Jane : Let's talk strategy. I don't wanna arrive without a plan.

  Trent Lane : Hey, I already thought of that. As soon as we get there, we find a bar, and we don't leave it until we're unconscious.

  Jane : Good plan. But, first of all, they probably wouldn't serve me. Second, I don't want to pass out. And third, right before *you* pass out, you'll decide it's time to be *honest* with everyone.

  Trent Lane : Oh, yeah. Bad idea. Don't want to be honest with Aunt Ellie about her vacation pictures.

  Jane : [grimacing in disgust]  Or Cousin Jimmy about his modeling career.

  Trent Lane : Or Aunt Bernice about her hats.

  Jane : Who's Aunt Bernice?

  Trent Lane : You know, from Middlebury? She wears those straw hats. Thinks they're country or something. They look like the kind they put on horses to keep the sun off their heads.

  [Jane looks over to her left, at a scowling old woman sitting next to her, who happens to be Aunt Bernice - wearing a large straw hat like the ones Trent mentioned. Clearly she heard what Trent said about her] 

  Jane : You say she's from Middlebury?

  Trent Lane : Yeah.

  Jane : So, we'd be flying out of the same airport.

  Trent Lane : Yeah, yeah, Janey. What's your point?

  [Trent removes his sunglasses, and suddenly notices that Aunt Bernice is sitting near them, glaring at him] 

  Aunt Bernice : [sourly]  Hello, Trent.

  Trent Lane : [puts his sunglasses on]  Um... hello, Aunt Bernice. I like your hat.

  [Jane pats her forehead in an "ah, jeez" gesture. Aunt Bernice still looks annoyed] 

• Daria : We're out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we're here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane.

  Quinn Morgendorffer : Yes.

  Daria : This is really scary, Quinn.

  Quinn Morgendorffer : But why did they go insane?

  Daria : Knowing Dad and his excellent woodland skills, I'd say it was the berries. Except...

  Quinn Morgendorffer : It couldn't have been the berries.

  Daria : That's what I think, because you ate the berries, too, and you seem okay.

  Quinn Morgendorffer : No, I meant because those weren't the glitter berries.

  Daria : Glitter berries?

  [Quinn's pupils are now revealed to be dilated] 

  Quinn Morgendorffer : You know, the glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beautiful sparkling glitter when you bite into them. *Those* are the ones that make you act weird. I mean, until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away.

  Daria : Uh-oh.

• Jane : Let me get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?

  Daria : I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.

  Jane : I *do* envy you.

  Daria : Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.

  Jane : Do you know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane family reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.

  Daria : Wow. I didn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.

  Jane : They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them all closer together. My parents are much too smart to fall for that trick.

  Daria : I thought so.

  Jane : So, they're sending me and Trent as their representatives.

  Daria : You know, a weekend in the woods is starting to look pretty good.

  Jane : A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look pretty good.

• Jane : [Daria and Jane are on the phone]  Yo!

  Daria : What are you doing home?

  Jane : What are you?

  Daria : My family went crazy from eating psychotropic berries, so we were evacuated from the woods and they had their stomachs pumped.

  Jane : Wow, that's cool. My family was already crazy without any berries, so Trent and I evacuated ourselves to the airport in my aunt's rental car and flew the hell out of there.

  Daria : Oh. Well, anything else new?

  Jane : Nah. You?

  Daria : Nah.

• Quinn Morgendorffer : [telling campfire stories at night]  So Cinderella said, "I can't go to the ball in these rags." And her fairy godmother waved her wand and behold, she was wearing a gown of silver and gold. Big clunky silver and gold sequins, like you wouldn't wear to one of those seventies nostalgia proms, much less a formal party at a palace. And when she went to check out herself in the mirror, the one that usually made her look thin, instead she looked bloated...

  Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer : Quinn, honey, are you *sure* this is a scary story?

  Quinn Morgendorffer : Wait! I haven't gotten to the shoes yet!

• Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer : Quinn, everywhere you look you see doors opening. Everywhere your father looks, he sees doors closing. A long corridor of doors slamming shut, and at the very end, there is one open door he must someday enter... and never may he return.