The Simpsons (TV Series)

Mother Simpson (1995)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Hans Moleman, Grampa Simpson, Hippie, Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Photos 

Quotes 

• Abe Simpson : [to Homer's mother]  You were a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and I'll never forgive you! Can we have sex?

• [the FBI breaks in looking for Mother Simpson] 

  Grampa : All right! I admit it! I'm the Lindbergh baby! Wah wah! Goo goo! I miss my fly-fly dada!

  Bill Gannon : Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?

  Grampa : A little from column A, a little from column B.

• [last lines] 

  Homer : Don't forget me.

  Mona Simpson : [preparing to leave]  Remember, Homer, wherever I go, you'll always be a part of me.

  [she turns to the van and hits her forehead] 

  Mona Simpson : D'oh!

  [she leaves, Homer waves goodbye, and stargazes all through the night] 

• [kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone] 

  Homer : Damn you, Walt Whitman! I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! "Leaves of Grass", my ass!

• Marge : Homer!

  Homer : That's my name.

  Marge : When I asked you if you bought that dummy to fake your own death, you told me "no".

• Marge : [sings]  How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...

  Homer : Seven.

  Lisa : No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.

  Homer : OK, eight.

  Lisa : Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?

  Homer : Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

• [after finding out the grave he thought was his mother's is Walt Whitman's] 

  Homer : Maybe it's that other grave! The one that says "Simpson"!

  [sees it's his own] 

  Homer : AHH! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me?

• [on being reunited with his grandmother] 

  Bart Simpson : Hey! You missed my entire childhood! You owe me for missed birthdays, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and good report cards.

  [punching numbers on a calculator] 

  Bart Simpson : Let's see, 75 bucks a pop, with interest and penalties. You owe me... $22,000.

  Homer : [enraged]  I'll Kwanzaa you!

  [starts strangling Bart] 

• Homer : [Upon meeting his mother]  I thought you were dead!

  Mother Simpson : I thought *you* were dead!

  Gravedigger : [near a coffin]  Oh, dang blast it! Isn't anybody in this dad gummed cemetery DEAD?

  Hans Moleman : [emerging from the coffin that is descending]  I didn't want to cause a fuss, but now that you mention it...

• Mother Simpson : I saw all your awards, Lisa. They're mighty impressive.

  Lisa : Oh, I just keep them out to bug Bart.

  Mother Simpson : Don't be bashful. When I was your age, kids made fun of me because I read at the ninth-grade level.

  Lisa : Me, too!

  Homer : [doing a walking handstand]  Hey, Mom, look at me! Look at what I can do!

  Mother Simpson : I see you, Homer. That's very nice. Although I hardly consider "A Separate Peace" the ninth-grade level.

  Lisa : Yeah, more like preschool.

  Mother Simpson : I hate John Knowles.

  Lisa : Me, too.

  [they share a laugh and sigh] 

  Homer : Mom, you're not looking!

  Mother Simpson : You know, Lisa, I feel like I have an instant rapport with you.

  Lisa : [excited gasp]  You didn't dumb it down. You said "rapport".

• Mother Simpson : [recounting the neutralization of Mr. Burns' germ laboratory]  From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over.

  Kent Brockman : [cut to her watching the news]  Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30s, yellow complexion, and may be extremely helpful. For Channel Six News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.

  Mother Simpson : [entering Homer's room where he sleeps]  Homer?

  [kissing his forehead, then leaving] 

  Mother Simpson : I'll miss you, Homer.

  Homer : I thought I dreamed that kiss.

  Marge : I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family.

  Lisa : How did you survive?

  Mother Simpson : Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry Rubin gave me a job marking his line of health shakes. I proofread Bobby Seale's cookbook, and I ran credit checks at Tom Hayden's Porsche dealership.

• Homer : My name is Homer J. Simpson. You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not. Now, I want you to straighten this out without a lot of your bureaucratic red tape and mumbo jumbo.

  Records Clerk : [correcting his database]  Okay, Mr. Simpson, I'll just make the change here... and you're all set.

  Homer : I don't like your attitude, you water-cooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file, anyway? I have a right to read it.

  Records Clerk : [turning the monitor around]  You sure do.

  Homer : "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa..." Aha! See? This thing is all screwed up. Who the heck is "Margaret" Simpson?

  Records Clerk : Uh, your youngest daughter.

  Homer : [childishly mimicking him]  "Uh, your youngest daughter." Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive! She died when I was a kid!

• Mona Simpson : [putting Homer to bed]  Abe, isn't Homer cute?

  Grampa : [indifferently]  Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it.

• Homer : I'm so glad to have my mom back. I never realized how much I missed her.

  Marge : She's nice.

  Homer : But?

  Marge : I just don't think you should get too excited about the woman who abandoned you for 25 years. You could get hurt again.

  Homer : First, it wasn't 25 years. It was 27 years. And second, she had a very good reason.

  Marge : Which was?

  Homer : I don't know. I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me.

  Marge : Oh, Homie. Come on, you're a sweet, kind, loving man. I'm sure you were a wonderful son.

  Homer : Then why did she leave me?

  Marge : Let's find out.

• Grampa : [watching Joe Namath at the Super Bowl]  Look at them sideburns. He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you could set your watch to.

• Homer : [listening to his mother's story of why she abandoned him]  There's one thing I don't understand. In all those years, why didn't you ever try to contact me?

  Mother Simpson : But I did. I sent you a care package every week.

  Homer : Oh, come on, Mom. We use that same line on the kids when they're at camp.

  Mother Simpson : But I did. I really did. I'll prove it to you.

  Homer : [cut to them at the post office]  Any undelivered mail for Homer J. Simpson?

  Post Office Clerk : No. Oh, wait. This.

  [putting a mailbag full of packages on the counter] 

  Post Office Clerk : That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas.

• Mr. Burns : Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 auto-gyro?

  Squeaky-Voiced Teen : Uh... I better look in the manual.

  Mr. Burns : Oh, the ignorance.

  [spotting Mona with Homer] 

  Mr. Burns : Wait a minute. I know that woman. But from when, and in what capacity?

  [gasping in recognition as he sees her wanted poster on the wall] 

  Mr. Burns : It's her. At last.

  Squeaky-Voiced Teen : This book must be out of date. I don't see Prussia, Siam, or auto-gyro.

  Mr. Burns : Well, keep looking.