The Simpsons (TV Series)

Mother Simpson (1995)

Harry Shearer: Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers, Lenny, Reverend Lovejoy, Ned Flanders, Records Clerk, Gravedigger, Howard Cosell, Kent Brockman, Post Office Clerk, Joe Friday

Quotes 

• Chief Wiggum : [reading a tombstone, talks into his "radio"]  Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.

  Joe Friday : That's Homer J Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down.

  Chief Wiggum : Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.

  Joe Friday : Uh, chief, you're talking into your wallet.

  [Chief Wiggum's wallet flips open] 

• Mr. Burns : [in a tanker]  I've been waiting 25 years for this moment.

  [puts an audio tape in which starts playing Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" but then abruptly changes to ABBA's "Waterloo"] 

  Waylon Smithers : I'm sorry, sir. I must've taped over that.

• Joe Friday : Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office?

  Mr. Burns : Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.

  Waylon Smithers : Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.

  Mr. Burns : Of course you'd say that... you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter!

• Lenny : [Lenny and Carl watch appears to be Homer go over the falls when "Homer" snags a tree branch]  Oh good! He snagged that tree branch!

  Carl : Oh no!

  [the branch breaks] 

  Carl : The branch broke off!

  Lenny : Oh good! He can grab onto them pointy rocks!

  Carl : Oh NO! Them rocks broke his arms and LEGS!

  [said rocks break the fake Homer's arms and legs, then beavers swim in] 

  Lenny : Oh good! Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him!

  [the beavers bite into the fake Homer instead] 

  Carl : Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his PANTS!

  Waylon Smithers : Good Lord... he'll be sucked into the turbine!

  [the Fake Homer spins until it is sucked in and cut up] 

• Mr. Burns : My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul! They never had the chance!

• Mr. Burns : Smithers, who was that corpse?

  Waylon Smithers : [choking up]  Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G.

  [normal voice] 

  Waylon Smithers : I'll cross him off the list.

• Homer : [Upon meeting his mother]  I thought you were dead!

  Mother Simpson : I thought *you* were dead!

  Gravedigger : [near a coffin]  Oh, dang blast it! Isn't anybody in this dad gummed cemetery DEAD?

  Hans Moleman : [emerging from the coffin that is descending]  I didn't want to cause a fuss, but now that you mention it...

• Mother Simpson : [recounting the neutralization of Mr. Burns' germ laboratory]  From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over.

  Kent Brockman : [cut to her watching the news]  Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30s, yellow complexion, and may be extremely helpful. For Channel Six News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.

  Mother Simpson : [entering Homer's room where he sleeps]  Homer?

  [kissing his forehead, then leaving] 

  Mother Simpson : I'll miss you, Homer.

  Homer : I thought I dreamed that kiss.

  Marge : I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family.

  Lisa : How did you survive?

  Mother Simpson : Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry Rubin gave me a job marking his line of health shakes. I proofread Bobby Seale's cookbook, and I ran credit checks at Tom Hayden's Porsche dealership.

• Homer : My name is Homer J. Simpson. You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not. Now, I want you to straighten this out without a lot of your bureaucratic red tape and mumbo jumbo.

  Records Clerk : [correcting his database]  Okay, Mr. Simpson, I'll just make the change here... and you're all set.

  Homer : I don't like your attitude, you water-cooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file, anyway? I have a right to read it.

  Records Clerk : [turning the monitor around]  You sure do.

  Homer : "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa..." Aha! See? This thing is all screwed up. Who the heck is "Margaret" Simpson?

  Records Clerk : Uh, your youngest daughter.

  Homer : [childishly mimicking him]  "Uh, your youngest daughter." Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive! She died when I was a kid!

• Reverend Lovejoy : Marge, we can't tell you how sorry we are.

  Ned Flanders : You have our deepest condol-diddly-olences. I'm sorry. I-I'm just nervous. I didn't mean any disrespect.

  Marge : What are you talking about?

  Ned Flanders : You know, uh...

  [Marge stares blankly] 

  Ned Flanders : Homer's passing.

  [another blank stare] 

  Ned Flanders : Away.

  [another blank stare] 

  Ned Flanders : Into death.

  Marge : What?

  [taking a newspaper from Rev. Lovejoy] 

  Marge : That's ridiculous. Homer's not dead. He's right out back in the hammock.

  [leading them to the back yard, they see the hammock is empty] 

  Ned Flanders : Oh, Marge, of course Homer's alive. He's alive in all our hearts.

  Maude Flanders : Yes, Marge. I can see him.

  Lisa : [skipping by]  Hi, everybody.

  Reverend Lovejoy : Marge, I'm gonna give you the card of our juvenile counselor.

• Homer : [listening to his mother's story of why she abandoned him]  There's one thing I don't understand. In all those years, why didn't you ever try to contact me?

  Mother Simpson : But I did. I sent you a care package every week.

  Homer : Oh, come on, Mom. We use that same line on the kids when they're at camp.

  Mother Simpson : But I did. I really did. I'll prove it to you.

  Homer : [cut to them at the post office]  Any undelivered mail for Homer J. Simpson?

  Post Office Clerk : No. Oh, wait. This.

  [putting a mailbag full of packages on the counter] 

  Post Office Clerk : That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas.

• Mr. Burns : Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 auto-gyro?

  Squeaky-Voiced Teen : Uh... I better look in the manual.

  Mr. Burns : Oh, the ignorance.

  [spotting Mona with Homer] 

  Mr. Burns : Wait a minute. I know that woman. But from when, and in what capacity?

  [gasping in recognition as he sees her wanted poster on the wall] 

  Mr. Burns : It's her. At last.

  Squeaky-Voiced Teen : This book must be out of date. I don't see Prussia, Siam, or auto-gyro.

  Mr. Burns : Well, keep looking.

• Howard Cosell : Joe Willie Namath swaggering off the field... his sideburns an apogee of sculpted "sartorium"- the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside...