The Simpsons (TV Series)

Mother Simpson (1995)

Yeardley Smith: Lisa Simpson

Quotes 

• Marge : [sings]  How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...

  Homer : Seven.

  Lisa : No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.

  Homer : OK, eight.

  Lisa : Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?

  Homer : Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

• Lisa : There's something fishy about Grandma. Whenever we ask her where she's been all this time, she changes the subject. And just now when a police car drove by, she ran into the house.

  Bart : Yeah, I don't trust her, either. When I was going through her purse, look what I found.

  Lisa : [flipping through a stack of driver's licenses]  "Mona Simpson. Mona Stevens. Martha Stewart. Penelope Olsen. Muddy Mae Suggins." These are the calling cards of a con artist.

• Marge : Mother Simpson, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your past.

  Mother Simpson : Can't reminisce. Sleeping.

  Bart : [she pretends to fall asleep]  Spill it, Muddy Mae, or we're calling the cops!

  Mother Simpson : Please don't.

  Lisa : All right, then we'll call your husband: Grandpa.

  Mother Simpson : No! I'll talk. I'll tell you everything.

• Mother Simpson : I saw all your awards, Lisa. They're mighty impressive.

  Lisa : Oh, I just keep them out to bug Bart.

  Mother Simpson : Don't be bashful. When I was your age, kids made fun of me because I read at the ninth-grade level.

  Lisa : Me, too!

  Homer : [doing a walking handstand]  Hey, Mom, look at me! Look at what I can do!

  Mother Simpson : I see you, Homer. That's very nice. Although I hardly consider "A Separate Peace" the ninth-grade level.

  Lisa : Yeah, more like preschool.

  Mother Simpson : I hate John Knowles.

  Lisa : Me, too.

  [they share a laugh and sigh] 

  Homer : Mom, you're not looking!

  Mother Simpson : You know, Lisa, I feel like I have an instant rapport with you.

  Lisa : [excited gasp]  You didn't dumb it down. You said "rapport".

• Mother Simpson : [recounting the neutralization of Mr. Burns' germ laboratory]  From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over.

  Kent Brockman : [cut to her watching the news]  Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30s, yellow complexion, and may be extremely helpful. For Channel Six News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.

  Mother Simpson : [entering Homer's room where he sleeps]  Homer?

  [kissing his forehead, then leaving] 

  Mother Simpson : I'll miss you, Homer.

  Homer : I thought I dreamed that kiss.

  Marge : I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family.

  Lisa : How did you survive?

  Mother Simpson : Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry Rubin gave me a job marking his line of health shakes. I proofread Bobby Seale's cookbook, and I ran credit checks at Tom Hayden's Porsche dealership.

• Reverend Lovejoy : Marge, we can't tell you how sorry we are.

  Ned Flanders : You have our deepest condol-diddly-olences. I'm sorry. I-I'm just nervous. I didn't mean any disrespect.

  Marge : What are you talking about?

  Ned Flanders : You know, uh...

  [Marge stares blankly] 

  Ned Flanders : Homer's passing.

  [another blank stare] 

  Ned Flanders : Away.

  [another blank stare] 

  Ned Flanders : Into death.

  Marge : What?

  [taking a newspaper from Rev. Lovejoy] 

  Marge : That's ridiculous. Homer's not dead. He's right out back in the hammock.

  [leading them to the back yard, they see the hammock is empty] 

  Ned Flanders : Oh, Marge, of course Homer's alive. He's alive in all our hearts.

  Maude Flanders : Yes, Marge. I can see him.

  Lisa : [skipping by]  Hi, everybody.

  Reverend Lovejoy : Marge, I'm gonna give you the card of our juvenile counselor.

• Lisa : This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens or Melrose Place.