Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

James and the Giant Peach (2011)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Chester A. Bum

Photos 

Quotes 

• Spiker and Sponge : Work, work, work, work, WORK!

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I think this calls for another... Scary Slow Mo.

  [Clip replays in slow motion] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Jesus Christ! I wonder if they use that picture for their email greetings!

• British Announcer : We are live at a press conference here in Chicago, Illinois, where we hear that any minute, The Nostalgia Critic is going to make a public appearance addressing his last video. For those who are unaware, the Nostalgia Critic posted a Let's Play of "Bart's Nightmare" last week, which was considered by many to be so horrendously unfunny, that they would rather shove a needle factory up their scrotums. OH! And here is the Nostalgia Critic preparing to explain his actions.

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello everyone, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, uh, I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the Internet State Penitentiary. Little surprised to see that place actually existed. But apparently it's right next to the State Home for the Ugly. So, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions addressing the video I did last week. Uh, yes?

  Reporter Lady : How does it feel to know that you made the absolute worst Let's Play ever to be put on the internet?

  Nostalgia Critic : Bad. Definitely, uh, bad! Uh, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on from there. Yes?

  Male Reporter : I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife, and eat my children. Uh, he's not as bad as you.

  Nostalgia Critic : Thank you for that. And, uh, I'm very sorry for your loss

  Male Reporter : Don't give me your pity.

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, yes?

  Male Reporter #2 : Ahem. Melvin the Brother of the Joker, Emo Jones, this recent Let's Play, Nazi Germany. That is all.

  Nostalgia Critic : Ok. If we can keep these questions to actual questions, uh, that'd be fantastic! Uh, yes?

  Angry Reporter : [screaming]  How do you account for this travesty among the world?

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, um, when everything is said and done, at the end of the day, I just made a bad video!

  [the crowd gasps] 

  Reporter Lady : Inexusable!

• Nostalgia Critic : I would say that while the film is creative, it's also pretty clumsy. A lot of stuff doesn't add up, a lot of scenes go nowhere, the songs are pretty forgettable, and the live-action stuff is surprisingly more over the top than the animated stuff. What they change from the book actually raises more questions than it does simplify things, which results in it being both weird and confusing. But with that said, the animation is very good, designs are a lot of fun, and even things like those cheesy sets actually do have sort of a strange charm to them. You also have to give the film credit that it didn't need to resort to pop-cultural references as a lot of animated films were doing at that time. It was at least trying to tell a timeless story. So is it for me? No. But I can see why it has an audience. The stuff that's neat is still pretty neat, and there's a lot of things in the movie that could be considered very impressive. So I guess I can't really fault people for enjoying something that does give way to a lot of imaginative scenarios. It may be flawed, but I think we all know that you're going to get a great big dose of something really creative. And that's all I've got to say about that. There! Have I restored anything in your guy's eyes?

  Douchey McNitpick : He says he didn't like the movie!

  Angry Man : Kill him!

• Chester A. Bum : Your fans deserve better Mr. MacCritic! Sure you tried something new! It didn't work! It bombed like mad! But now you deserve to give your fans something better! Hey, I liked it, I thought it was the greatest video I've ever seen in my life. But you owe your fans something better!

• Nostalgia Critic : So everything seems to be absolutely peachy for James and his angelic parents, but then things suddenly, and I do mean SUDDENLY, go very rotten.

  Narrator : Then, one day, a terrible thing happened. An angry rhinoceros appeared out of nowhere and gobbled up his poor mother and father.

  [the Critic grabs a pen, quickly jots something down on a piece of paper, and holds up a small cue card saying 'What?'] 

  Narrator : An angry rhinoceros appeared out of nowhere and gobbled up his poor mother and father.

  [the Critic writes something down and holds up another cue card saying, 'WHAT?'] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, really, what else can you say but, "What?" That is the most out-of-nowhere explanation of parents disappearing ever! They don't explain it, we never see it happen, just, a rhinoceros comes out of nowhere and eats them!

  Narrator : Their troubles, if they had any at all, were over in 35 seconds flat.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah. I'm not editing that down, either. That's literally how they show it to us. Parents there, gone, blame the rhino. That's a pretty rushed explanation, isn't it? Can you imagine if one of the Disney movies did that?

  [Clip from 'The Lion King' is shown] 

  Mufasa : Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.

  Simba : Wow...

  Nostalgia Critic : And then a rhino ate him up.

  [Rhinoceros comes down from the sky and does just that. "The End" title card is shown with "Hakuna Matata" playing over it]