andyajoflaherty Reviews

Commando (1985)

Let off some steam, Bennett!!

[8/10 · 5 May 2024]

A staple of OTT 80's action nonsense, Commando follows retired ex special forces colonel John Matrix who is living in isolation with his daughter. One day, they are attacked and captured by the private army of a former south American dictator, who wants Matrix to perform a political assassination so he can return to power. They take his daughter away to a secret location and threaten to kill her if he doesn't cooperate. However, Matrix has other ideas, and so we have huge explosions, over the top action and excessive violence in ways only 80's action movies can do justice.

I must say I wasn't a massive fan of this when I was younger, I found it just a bit too silly and tongue in cheek... but funnily enough it's those qualities that make me love it today. Schwarzenegger is awesome in the title role, and you really start rooting for him as he rips his way through bad guy after bad guy trying to save his daughter. Despite the violence the film is actually quite humerous, with funny lines and larger than life characters (Matrix's former friend and main antagonist Bennett is so over the top its hilarious). In fact the only downside really was the stewardess character who tags along, who just got on my nerves very quickly. Why do they always do that?

This particular version of the film I watched was the uncut Director's Cut, which is I believe the first time this has become officially available in the UK. It doesn't really add that much to be fair, there's no extra scenes or dialogue that I noticed - all it adds really is extra gore and extended kill scenes in the final act, that were cut when the film was originally theatrically released here . Still, it's nice being able to see the complete film finally.

All in all, Commando is great fun and is pretty much the epitome of everything 80's. If this sounds like your thing, get it watched immediately!

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Not completely awful but a missed opportunity...

[6/10 · 29 April 2024]

Alien vs Predator as a concept goes all the way back to 1989, when Dark Horse comics pitted the 2 extraterrestrial monsters against each other in a pretty awesome comic run. Since then we have had books, toys, video games... but it took almost 15 years to finally get a film adaptation. Was it worth the wait? Well, it was directed by Paul W. S. Anderson, so you probably have a fair idea...

The film followes a group of various researchers lead by Charles Weyland, as they investigate a newly discovered pyramid structure buried deep underground in Antarctica. While noisily and haphazardly clanging about the structure, they discover some alien eggs, which of course result in impregnation, followed by aliens. Then some predators show up, because it turns out that this is an ancient hunting ground for young predators to prove their worth. And so begins a battle between the predators and aliens, with the humans mostly just getting in the way. Except for our final girl Lex, who goes all stern faced and does her very best Ripley impression while battling a queen. With just a tank top on. In the Arctic. Hmmm...

I wasn't very impressed with this film when it first came out. I felt the story was... eh... the characters... meh... and the film suffered hugely from it's PG13 rating, meaning massively toned down violence from what we have come to expect from these IPs. However, I have recently watched it again (the unrated version this time) and it is marginly better than I remember. The action scenes are enjoyable enough and I quite like the setting, with the ever shifting pyramid providing a nice sense of isolation and claustrophobia. The characters aren't as annoying as I remember either, with the main alien and predators being fun to watch. Even the final battle (stupid dress sense aside) is quite entertaining, with Lex and the predator working together to take on the queen.

It still has issues though, the characters have no depth or development, the dialogue is about as natural as blue hair, and the CGI effects... well lets just say they have aged. I'm not a big fan of all the slow mo effects either, which in hindsight is a bit of a Paul Anderson staple, like he's trying to be John Woo or something.

Overall it's a passable experience with some good moments, but ultimately feels like it falls a bit short. If you are up for a bit of a brainless slug fest between 2 of the most iconic cinematic monsters in recent memory, it delivers... just... but can't hold a candle to the best entries in either individual series. On the plus side though, it is miles better than its sequel...

Trick 'r Treat (2007)

Let's carve our new pumpkin, son....

[8/10 · 26 April 2024]

Trick R Treat is a horror anthology film following several groups of people on halloween night, and shows how their stories interlink during all the murders and whatnot. You have a couple coming home from a party, a weird dude and his kid, their grumpy old next door neighbour, a bunch of girls getting ready for a night out, and a group of kids who go to a suspected haunted quarry. I guarantee you won't see some of these twists coming...

I must say I really enjoyed this. The way the different characters and stories cross paths is genuinely brilliant, there's some pretty nasty kills and the effects are pretty great. All the stories are excellent, and how it throws you off by making you think certain people are helpless horror kill fodder when they are in fact extremely deadly, and vice versa is awesome. This film is a genuine must watch.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Hasta la vista, baby!

[10/10 · 24 April 2024]

Set 11 years after the first film (but coming out after only 7???), Skynet once again send a terminator back in time, targetting John Connor when he is a child. The resistance also send back a protector, but this time instead of being a human, it is another terminator. The question is, which one will reach him first?

Where do you even start with such an absolute classic? Lauded by critics and fans alike as one of the greatest action films of all time, in a similar way to how James Cameron followed the horror focused Alien with the more action packed Aliens 7 years later, T2 takes the slasher-esq first terminator and dials everything up to 11. Amazing and exciting action scenes, some awesome performances (especially by Robert Patrick, who played the soulless T-1000 to absolute perfection), great characters and a story that doesn't mess up the perfect plot of the first film, Terminator 2 ticks ALL the boxes. It has an amazing soundtrack, the special effects were utterly groundbreaking... and they STILL look great even today. But the icing on the cake is the fact that the story is genuinely great, and full of heart. I challenge anyone to not shed a tear at the end.

It really goes without saying, but Terminator 2: Judgement Day is an incredible sequel to an already incredible first film, and is a legitimate contender for not only being the greatest action film ever made, but one of the greatest films ever made in general. Obviously this is essential viewing.

Dune: Part Two (2024)

Worthy follow up....

[8/10 · 23 April 2024]

Following on directly from where part one left off, Dune Part Two once again follows Paul Atreides as he becomes accepted by the Fremen, learns their ways and becomes their leader in an uprising against the emperor and the ruthless Harkonen. But when his actions begin to push away his true love, he has to decide whether to embrace his fate, or follow his heart...

I quite enjoyed part one of this sci fi epic, so going to see this follow up was a no-brainer, despite it knocking on the door of 3 hours. As before it's epic in scale, with amazing visuals and rolling endless desert vistas. The performances were good, and even though the story begins to lean heavily into a somewhat religious style angle, the set pieces and action was still top drawer. The only downside really is I feel this almost 6 hour story could have done with a truly epic finale to really blow the audience away, whereas what we get felt a bit... anticlimactic. Having said that, there is definitely room for more follow ups, so it will be interesting to see where they go from here. Recommended.

Dune (2021)

Dune gets the adaptation it deserves...

[8/10 · 15 April 2024]

Having not yet read the novel on which this is based, the only previous experience I had with Dune is the 80's effort by David Lynch, which I vaguely recall not being overly impressed with. However, general consensus is that this new effort by Denis Villeneuve is spectacular, so I decided to give this a shot, which unlike Lynch's version is only based on the first half of the novel.

Dune (part 1) follows the Atreides family, specifically the son and heir to the family throne, Paul. The family are tasked by the emperor to travel to the planet Arakkis, which is rich in the most valuable mineral in the galaxy - spice. However, Arakkis is an extremely harsh planet, with it's desert wasteland being battered by horrendous weather and even worse wildlife. The Atreidis family are tasked with looking after the harvesting, purifying and distribution of spice, but when they are betrayed and nearly all killed by the emperors forces, Paul and his mother escape into the desert, finding solitude with the indigenous Fremen, a tribe of people who call Arakkis their home. Can Paul befriend the people of this planet, rise up to take revenge against those who killed his family and lead the Fremen to a better life? You know the answer...

I must say that from a visual standpoint, this film is incredible. The endless desert vistas, futuristic yet ancient technology and effects on the deadly sandworms had my jaw on the floor. The film looks futuristic, but also lived in like only the best sci fi movies can. All the performances are really good, and Villeneuve wisely chose to split the book into 2 films so he could properly take the time to build up the characters and their relations. However, the downside of that also means this film ends on a bit of a cliffhanger, but even so I'd still take this approach over trying to cram everything in to one movie. Having said that, some of the finer plot details were still lost on me, so perhaps reading the book is still recommended.

Overall this is a great film that I assume does its source material justice, and it will be interesting to see how it all comes together once the second part is released.

Moonraker (1979)

Uninspiring space bandwagon effort

[7/10 · 15 April 2024]

After the rather excellent Spy Who Loved Me, the next film in the series was supposed to be For Your Eyes Only. But then... Star Wars happened, and of course suddenly everyone and their dog wanted to jump on the Sci Fi Space Adventure bandwagon. Enter Moonraker, a Bond film that shares very little in common with its source material (last time that happened the results were less than spectacular), and brings back Jaws from the previous film. How did it turn out? ....meh....

The film follows Bond as he investigates a stolen spacecraft (what, again? Seems space shuttles are easier to steal than cars if the Bond franchise is anything to go by...) and ends up at the door of Hugo Drax, owner of the company that makes them. Of course it all ends up being a diabolical scheme where the select elite are kept safe in space while the rest of the world is nuked. Yawn.

To be fair though, the opening of this film is awesome, with a genuinely great skydiving battle against Jaws. Sadly, the rest of the film isn't nearly as good, and it does feel like a bit of a "space cash in", which of course it is. A couple of action scenes aside the film is fairly forgettable. And Jaws talks. And falls in love. Urgh.

To summarise, it's not exactly terrible, but is mid tier at best. Sadly, the rest of Roger Moore's Bond film output didn't get that much better from here...

Under the Skin (I) (2013)

Intentionally vague...

[6/10 · 14 April 2024]

Based on the novel of the same name, Under the Skin follows an unnamed woman (Scarlett Johansson) as she drives around the streets of Scotland picking up men that fall under her spell. She then takes them back to her secluded retreat where they are then.... consumed. I think....

The biggest problem with this film is that taken at face value it's not exactly clear what is going on. The novel on which this is based does a much better job of explaining everything, so I should imagine anyone who has read that will see this adaptation very differently than anyone going in blind. There are men on motorcycles seemingly working with the woman who always seem to know where she is, but she also seems weary of them. Is she some sort of demon? Lab experiment? Alien? Or just a killer? It's not exactly clear the purpose of her actions, she just traps these men for reasons unknown and then leaves. I did suspect I knew what was going on, and I had to read up on it to confirm my suspicions, but the film is intentionally vague and I don't think that does it any favours.

Far more interesting though is the making of the film. Many of the men featured were not actors, they were just random people Scarlett Johansson would chat to while being secretly filmed, and if the director liked the footage they would ask them for permission to use it. Well, that's one way to get realistic dialogue! I also think the film looks pretty great, with good effects that nicely complement the gritty realistic style.

All in all, this is an interesting film and I'm glad I watched it, but unless you have read the book it's not a film I'd particularly recommend.

A Few Good Men (1992)

I want the TRUTH!!!!

[9/10 · 11 April 2024]

A Few Good Men follows Lt Dan Kaffee (Tom Cruise) and his co-counsel Lt. Commander Joanne Galloway (Demi Moore) as they investigate the suspected murder of a soldier stationed at Guantamino Bay. The deeper they dig, the higher and higher the corruption goes, until they are right at the door of the base's leader - Colonel Nathan Jessop (Jack Nicholson). And so begins the court case to end all court cases...

I feel this is the kind of film you probably need to be in the mood for, but despite that we have a pretty riveting mystery to solve, along with some incredible performances from both Cruise and Nicholson. The finale to this film is a rollercoaster of emotions despite taking place in a single room, and the part where Cruise finally breaks Nicholson will probably go down in cinematic history. You can't handle the truth indeed, and here's another truth - this film is awesome. Get it watched.

No Country for Old Men (2007)

3/4 a masterpiece...

[8/10 · 11 April 2024]

Based on the novel of the same name, No Country for Old Men follows Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin) who comes across the aftermath of a drug deal gone wrong. With everyone dead and the drugs and money just sat there for the taking, the temptation is too much and Moss takes the cash and goes on the run. Hot on his tail is ruthless killer Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem), who very much would like that money back and will happily kill anyone who gets in his way. And tailing HIM is sheriff Tom Bell (Tommy Lee Jones) who realises the situation and hopes to stop it before the piles of bodies increase any more.

I have to say, this film is pretty awesome. The story is engaging, with war vet Moss doing everything in his power to stay one step ahead of the deadly Chigurh. The performances are great, in particular Javier Bardem - who is completely convincing as the intimidating yet ice cold killer. You end up genuinely rooting for Moss as he escapes time and time again by the skin of his teeth, and if it wasn't for the... well frankly a bit crap ending this would have been a masterpiece. As is though it is still very much worth your time.

Misery (1990)

Beware of your fans...

[9/10 · 11 April 2024]

Based on the Stephen King novel of the same name, Misery concerns itself with writer Paul Sheldon (James Caan) who has an accident in the middle of nowhere during a snowstorm. He is saved by Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates), who takes him to her nearby home to help him recover. Turns out she's a massive fan of Paul, and as a way of thanks he gives her a preview of the novel he is writing. Turns out, she hates it... and since she is somewhat... unhinged, so begins an awful case of imprisonment, torture and stomach churning bone breaking.

This classic is well rooted in pop culture now, and for good reason. Kathy Bates is terrifying as Annie Wilkes, with an absolutely incredible performance that 100% deserves the oscar she received. The vast majority of the film is just the two of them, with James Caan's character brilliantly fighting for his life and trying anything and everything to give himself some space to plan his next escape attempt. Your heart is in your mouth probably just as much as his is as he takes advantage of any quiet time to move around without disturbing anything, which would give his plan away. Of course, she knows. She always knows. Rob Reiner really pulled out all the stops with this, and the sheer anxiety experienced throughout the entire second half is practically unmatched. An utterly utterly essential watch.

Kung Fury (2015)

Struck by lightning... and bitten by a cobra...

[9/10 · 2 April 2024]

What started life as a joke trailer on YouTube for a film that didn't exist by David Sandberg and his mates, the response was so positive that he decided to crowdfund a full version to be made available online for free. Kung Fury is the result.

Serving as a colossal love-letter to 80's action cinema, the film starts in 1985 Miami, where an arcade cabinet springs to life and starts murdering random people. Enter Kung Fury, a cop with super human martial arts skills who comes to the rescue. But when the whole police force is murdered by a time travelling super criminal, it's up to Kung Fury to solve the case and of course, kick some major a***.

I first heard about this thanks to a tie in indie video game, and upon first watch I honestly didn't know what to make of it. The whole thing is an 80's parody, with purposefully wonky acting and dialog... (I think?) along with questionable effects. When I started to read more into it though, I began to develop a whole new appreciation for it. David Sandberg and a few of his friends basically made this whole thing in his house. Everything is CG apart from the people. Adding in all the stupid little jokes that poke fun at the 80s, along with animated sections that pay tribute to 80's Japanese animation, and the purposefully bad 'tracking' to make it look like a dodgy vhs tape, it blows my mind that a small group of people can make something like this.

And then, there's the action. The intro is just ridiculous ott 80's style nonsense, and peppered throughout are gunfights, lazer raptors and kung fu masters... but then there's a huge fight scene near the end where Kung Fury takes on wave after wave of enemy soldiers that is mind-blowingly good. Like, better than actual film good. Just IMAGINE what this guy could do with a proper budget and effects team...

All in all, if you are a fan of 80's action films and are in the mood for some tongue in cheek absolute nonsense that is perhaps the most self aware film ever released, then I can't recommend this highly enough. I mean, David Hasslehoff sings the theme tune. That is all you need to know.

Snatch (2000)

Guy Ritchie's best

[9/10 · 26 March 2024]

Guy Ritchie's second film after the rather brilliant Lock, Stock brings a very similar brand of London underworld gangsters blended with razor sharp black comedy, and the result is arguably even better.

Following several different characters whose individual stories all cross at some point, the plot revolves around a huge diamond that was stolen from a vault in Antwerp and ends up in London. Many people are after this diamond, and many others get involved purely by accident, but when the local underworld top dog Brick Top gets wind of it all hell breaks loose. Brick Top also controls an unlicensed boxing racket, and the colourful cast are rounded out with pawn shop owners, crazy Russian weapons dealers, gun for hire Bullet Tooth Tony and mob film legend Dennis Farina who comes all the way from the US for a piece of the action. Oh, and Brad Pitt plays a bare knuckle champion gypsy. Because why not.

On paper the film looks like an unfocused mess, but the reality is anything but. The various plot strands are interwoven perfectly, no screen time is wasted, all the performances are amazing and believable... and what can I say about the dialogue? It's incredible. Practically every line is quotable, the film is just effortlessly hilarious and all the characters are engaging and fully realised.

Watching this film is a pure joy, and I cannot think of any other film that even comes close to making me consistently laugh like this does. This is by far my favourite Guy Ritchie film, and is utterly essential viewing.

Black Eagle (1988)

Poor performances, forgettable plot, decent action

[5/10 · 25 March 2024]

Black Eagle concerns itself with the mega unique concept of a US super weapon being shot down near Malta, and the CIA sending their top man, codename Black Eagle (Sho Kosugi) to recover it before the Soviets in the area can get their hands on it. Cue martial arts action... because obviously.

I watched this a few weeks ago, and I had to look up the plot just now because I have completely forgotten everything that happened in this film. I vaguely remember some underwater bits, a bit with a paraglider off a cliff, a fight in a ruined castle fort and the finale taking place on a docked ship. One thing I do remember, is how utterly woeful the acting is. Sho Kosugi is a great martial artist no question, but his performance here is more stiff and wooden than a 500 year old oak tree. The film also came out before Van Damme made it big, so of course his name and face are all over the front cover now despite him just being a henchman.

All in all this film isnt what I would call dreadful, (some of the action is quite entertaining)... but it is extremely forgettable. One for 80s action enthusiasts only...

Guyver: Dark Hero (1994)

Stick to the anime...

[4/10 · 8 March 2024]

Based on the Japanese Manga of the same name, the Guyver: Dark Hero follows Sean Barker, just a regular guy who becomes the host to an alien bio suit (the Guyver) that grants him immense power. After researching an archaeological dig that he suspects may give him some answers to the Guyver's origins, he finds himself up against shapeshifting alien monsters who also want to harness that power.

At least, I think that's the plot. I watched this film about 2 months ago and I'm struggling to remember much of what it was about. The fact that it was disjointed and made zero sense probably doesn't help. In fact, it reminds me of when Power Rangers came to the west, with rubbish western characters inserted into Japenese action footage that despite being a bit of a mess still managed to be entertaining. Except this forgot the entertaining part.

To be fair, the budget looks like it must have been about a tenner, the plot seems like it was written by the work experience boy, and it's so hilariously 'B movie' that despite it being a bit cr*p still manages to be fairly engaging. The fight scenes are surprisingly good considering, and it is kinda funny seeing David Hayter (of Solid Snake fame) in the flesh trying to take this absolute nonsense seriously.

I am actually a fan of the original Manga, having seen it as a teen, but if nothing else this film highlights once again that popular Japanese animation does not necessarily work as live action. Especially on a shoestring budget. It's amusingly bad, I suppose... but I'd hardly recommend it.

The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)

Enjoyable enough...

[7/10 · 2 March 2024]

Taking "The Captain's Log", a chapter from Bram Stoker's novel Dracula and adapting it into this film, Last Voyage of the Demeter follows the titular ship as it travels from Romania to England with it's mysterious cargo. Said cargo of course ends up being a vampiric demon, who slowly murders the crew one by one, becoming stronger as he does. The rapidly dwindling crew need to work out what the are dealing with, and hope... or pray that they can make it to their destination alive.

I was quite excited about this film leading up to release, hearing it being billed as basically 'Alien on a boat', and whereas I can see why it was labelled as such, sadly the two films are worlds apart in terms of quality.

As far as visuals are concerned, Demeter looks great. The ship looks moody and forboding with a suitable isolating atmosphere, and the effects on Dracula himself are excellent, being just the right blend of practical and CGI. The performances are also pretty good, with the tensions between the crew reaching boiling point when half of them are convinced a demon is on board, and the other half refuse to believe that, thinking one of them is a murderer. That's actually quite brilliant.

Where the film starts to fall down is on its pacing. Once Dracula appears (and he appears quite early on) and he takes his first victim, the tension doesn't really ramp up with each subsequent kill. The film more or less stays in second gear, with it doing isolated kill after isolated kill over and over in more of less the same way until only a handful remain. The pacing is somewhat glacial throughout the whole film, which hurts it significantly, with it doing more or less the same thing over and over. The ending shot is quite cool though, but it really needed to ramp up the excitement in the final third and it just... doesn't.

However, I still enjoyed the film for the most part, and if you like horror or anything to do with Dracula it's worth a look. It's just a pity that it falls a bit short...

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)

Saving the best 'till last...

[7/10 · 28 February 2024]

Well, here we are at the.... erm... final chapter of this live action series based on the popular video game franchise. The film picks up with Alice being alone again, an unknown amount of time after the previous film ended. She learns that umbrella intend to wipe out the remaining resistance, effectively allowing them to rule the world by default. The Red Queen from all the way back in the first film decides this cannot happen, so contacts Alice, informing her that there is an antidote to the T-Virus, that if released will wipe out all the zombies... monsters.... basically anything containing the T virus - including her. Alice must band together a final group of fighters to storm Umbrella HQ, find this antidote, and then decide if she is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice - ending her life to save the planet.

All the previous entries in this series have been various degrees of awful, with the previous film in particular beeing so terrible it actually irritated me. So, imagine my surprise at the fact that this film... isn't awful. In fact, it's actually alright. Decent even. I know, I know, but here's the thing: unlike most of the rest of the films, the self-contained plot here actually works, and if you were to watch this film out of context without seeing any of the others it would still make sense. The film does away with the stupid matrix style action set pieces of earlier efforts, concentrating on hordes and hordes of zombies with the occasional mutant beast, and a couple of main antagonists that are mostly convincing. This actually feels like a zombie movie, and it ties everything up nicely by harking back to the original film at the end. The effects are half decent and the film has good pacing and flow... well, certainly a lot better than in those that came before, anyway...

All in all, fans of the game series have probably seen all of these by now anyway, but even non-Resident Evil fans could probably watch this and be entertained. And when it comes to movies based on video games, you can't ask for fairer than that.

Sucker Punch (2011)

Sleazy trash...

[4/10 · 28 February 2024]

Sucker Punch follows 'Babydoll', a young girl who while attempting to protect herself from her abusive step-father accidentally murders her sister. Sent to an institute where she awaits having a lobotomy, she hatches a plan to escape with some of the other inmates.

I must say I'm not a massive fan of Zack Snyder, and this film does little to change my opinion. It's all style over substance, and to be honest I don't even like the style very much. The film just doesn't sit right with me, being about a girl who is a victim of abuse, but when she slips into her various alternate realities its all tight leather clothes, tiny skirts and sleazy sex appeal. The main character being called 'Babydoll' tells you all you need to know, and the whole thing looks like its targetting horny teenage boys, offering little for anyone outside that bracket. The story attempts depth by switching between various fantasy settings and the real world, but it just comes across as nonsensical and lazy. Not helping matters is the cheap looking overly stylised CGI, that looks like something a film student would make on their home computer to green screen themselves into later. On the plus side some of the action scenes are entertaining, but it's not enough to improve the experience beyond barely watchable.

Overall, I had low expectations for Sucker Punch and it failed to live up to them. Why Oscar Isaac decided to waste his time starring in this trash baffles me. Avoid.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Moore's best Bond so far by miles...

[8/10 · 21 February 2024]

Roger Moore's third outing as James Bond follows the disappearance of several nuclear submarines, belonging to both Russia and the UK. While the nations publically blame each other, Bond is dispatched to find out who really took them, and is paired up with Russia's Agent X. Thing is, there turns out to be history between the two, so will they solve the case before they end up killing each other?

I must say, this is much more like it. Roger Moore effortlessly plays Bond here, and even though the story echoes the earlier You Only Live Twice, everything here is just.... better. The plot is more intricate, the girls beautiful but deadly, and then there's the Lotus Esprit (which of course can become a submarine)...which is by far the coolest Bond car to date. Let's not forget Richard Kiel's Jaws, who is seemingly invincible and is an imposing deadly force, but somehow comical with it. The true definition of the strong silent type, with his metal teeth being what makes him so terrifying, but yet brilliantly is also his downfall.

In fact, the only real issue is the final confrontation is a bit of a let down after all the pure awesomeness that preceeds it, but even so this is easily Moore's best Bond film so far and would probably be in the top 3 up until this point. If somehow you have not seen this yet and you like spy action thrillers, give it a go. Because as the song goes, nobody does it better....

Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation (2018)

They are getting worse...

[6/10 · 21 February 2024]

This third entry into the kid friendly series of universal monster mash-ups sees the gang get away from it all by setting sail on a luxury cruise for monsters. While there Dracula begins to fall for the ship's Captain, Erica... not realising that she is actually the descendant of the legendary vampire slayer, Abraham Van Helsing.

The first two films in this series are enjoyable enough, and this third entry does little to break the mold. We have the same characters, similar situations, similar jokes... and whereas the intro showing Van Helsing vs Dracula over the years is admittedly quite cool, the rest of the film feels like a bunch of forced ideas to "make another one of those films the kids like", and I must say I found myself zoning out constantly. My daughter loves this film, and I get that I don't fit into the target audience, but for what it's worth I feel the previous two films are both superior. Still, at least this is vastly better than the dreadful 4th film, so at least that's something...

Robin Hood (1973)

"You eeeeel in snake's clothing!"

[9/10 · 29 January 2024]

Everyone has those films that they were obsessed with as a kid, watching over and over ad nauseum to the point where a) you could probably recite the whole thing word for word and b) you'd drive your parents bonkers. Well, this was one of mine.

Taking the anthropomorphic route, this Disney retelling of the legend of Robin Hood follows Robin as he steals from Prince John to help the poor folk of Nottingham who are struggling to survive. Enraged by being outwitted by Robin time after time, the evil Prince increases the taxes so much most of the townsfolk end up in jail, and when the local friar fights back and is sentenced to death, Robin has no choice but to attempt a jailbreak, knowing that Prince John and his army will be waiting.

By all accounts there were various development issues during the making of this film, so corners were cut and it was somewhat rushed... and in some ways you can tell - animation cells from the Jungle Book are re-used, the moving parts of the animation don't quite blend with the background properly, and the dialog sounds like it was recorded on a dictaphone. The film is also quite short - utterly flying through it's story in the blink of an eye.

However, despite all this the film still shines thanks to its amazing performances from the voice cast, colourful cast of characters, genuine humour and insanely catchy songs. That Whistle Stop opening song is such a huge nostalgia punch in the gut for me that I cry every time I hear it, and Peter Ustinov puts in an absolutely incredible performance as Prince John - the constant banter between him and Sir Hiss is hilarious.

All in all this is a prime example of performances overshadowing technical issues. I am aware that objectively this is far from the best Disney film, but it will always be my personal favourite. Oo-De-Lally!!!

The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

A top assassin, second to none....

[8/10 · 26 January 2024]

The Man with the Golden Gun follows James Bond as he becomes the target of globally-renowned assassin Francisco Scaramanga, who is notorious for never failing a hit and charging millions for his services. Not having much information on Scaramanga, Bond has no choice but to find him and take him out before he can complete his hit. Thing is, is this all part of the plan????

I have always found this second Roger Moore outing a bit odd, as it is pretty much universally disliked by the fandom, but I have never understood why. Christopher Lee is phenomenal as Scaramanga, Nick Nack is an awesome henchman, there are some pretty great stunts and the 1v1 duel at the end on Scaramanga's private island is one of my favourite Bond film climaxes. I mean sure, there are issues - Bond here feels more like Connery's Bond, and Moore just doesn't quite fit with the meaner, harder style... and did we really need to see Sheriff Pepper again? The act in the kung fu school was cringe to watch and Mary Goodnight was as about as convincing an MI6 agent as I am a professional film reviewer. Still, I like this film more than most, and despite me having a lot of nostalgia for Live and Let Die, I do think this tops it. Oh, and Lulu's theme song is insanely catchy...

Ginger Snaps (2000)

Teen slasher done right

[8/10 · 16 January 2024]

Ginger Snaps follows 2 outcast sisters, Ginger and Brigitte, as they make pretend suicide films and play panks on the rather long list of people they don't like. On the night where Ginger starts her first (and rather late) period, they are attacked by a savage creature and Ginger is bitten, becoming severely injured. However, she miraculously heals completely by the next day, but there's something else - she starts spouting hair, grows a tail and becomes a straight up nymphomaniac. As Ginger becomes more and more unlike herself, Brigitte needs to decide if what she suspects is true - that werewolves exist. And if they do, how can she stop the transformation and save her sister?

Another late 90's/early 00's horror movie that I somehow missed, I have to say that I thought this was great. The film relies mostly on atmosphere and tone for its dread, but even the effects that are here were really good, and Katherine Isabelle who played Ginger tread the line between horny teenager and utterly terrifying monster brilliantly and convincingly. All of the characters here were fleshed out and obviously had some thought put into them, and the story itself was an interesting take on the werewolf genre, with a rather sombre finale, which I always appreciate. All in all I'd highly recommend this to any fan of horror. A teen slasher done very, very right...

Braindead (1992)

Hilarious gore-fest

[8/10 · 15 January 2024]

Before finding fame with the Lord of the Rings films, Peter Jackson made some pretty interesting low budget horror films, and this second effort, Braindead... well wow, where do I start...

The film mostly follows Lionel, a socially awkward buffoon who lives with his overbearing mother in a huge house up in the hills of a small town. Lionel likes the local shopkeeper's daughter, but turns into a clumsy stammering wreck whenever he talks to her. In a somewhat unlikely turn of events she ends up agreeing to go on a date with him, so they decide to go to the zoo, something he hides from his mother. However, his mother follows them, and while spying strays a little too close to the cage of a rare and deadly rat-monkey and gets bitten. What follows is like a stupidly gory version of Weekend at Bernies, where Lionel tries to hide his rapidly decaying mother as she dies from the bite and becomes a zombie. Obviously he fails spectacularly, and pretty soon with zombies absolutely everywhere there is only one thing left to do - get out the lawnmower....

Watching this film I was quite frankly, speechless. I don't think I have ever seen such a completely over the top gore-fest in all my life. It's utterly bonkers, and absolutely hilarious. I don't think I've laughed this much at a film in ages, in fact just thinking about it while writing this review I'm giggling to myself like a crazy person! Braindead absolutely does not take itself seriously whatsoever, and I believe it had the record for the most amount of fake blood used in a single scene - yup, I can believe it! What I can't believe, is that some countries banned this film for being too gory - come on, it's so obviously a huge p*ss take! I mean, there's a bit where a Priest cries "I kick ar*e for the Lord!" and then proceeds to kung fu a load of zombies around a cemetary in what is one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. I feel that tells you all you need to know, and if you are a fan of comedy horror like the Evil Dead series then this is utterly essential viewing!

Live and Let Die (1973)

Awesome song, decent film...

[7/10 · 15 January 2024]

A new era and a new Bond usher in this next installment in the series. Live and Let Die follows Bond as he investigates the death of a fellow agent in New Orleans tied to the mysterious local Gangster Boss Mr. Big. But when it turns out that Mr. Big is actually an important government official, Bond finds himself up against colourful henchmen, voodoo magic and a... crocodile farm...

I was obsessed with this film when I was a kid and watched it a countless number of times. I also think this may actually be the first Bond film I ever saw. Roger Moore's take on the character is very different to Connery's, offering a much more suave and humerous 007. The one-liners are out in force now, and I forgot just how funny the script is in this film. The various bad guys, from Kananga to Tee-Hee and of course Baron Samedi are imposing and entertaining to watch, and Jane Seymour's Solitaire still gets me hot under the collar - oof! The problem is that the story feels... not like a Bond film and more like a silly action adventure comedy, and that's fine - but the whole thing feels like it takes place in a different universe from the previous films. Still, I have a lot of nostalgia for it, and that crocodile farm escape stunt blows my mind that the stunt man actually did that for real. Oh, and the theme song by Paul & Linda McCartney is incredible. Fun but flawed.