editguy Reviews

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1961)

Fiction - yes! Science - no!

[3/10 · 8 July 2007]

I'm sure that any legitimate submariner would happily ship out on the USOS Seaview (yes, SOS...) Why, you could play full-court basketball in the torpedo room, it's so large. And how 'bout the bay windows in the bow, the better to see giant squids or minefields that appear out of nowhere? Did I mention the colorful mess-cook with the parrot on his shoulder? And the Admiral's stateroom with what appears to be a loft? Big bleeping sub...

OK, OK...it's never gonna win any prizes for authenticity. And if the sub is laughable, the plot is even worse. Somehow the Van Allen belts of radiation, hundreds of miles in space, have "caught fire" are going to make global warming look like a weenie roast. Pompous Admiral Nelson (Walter Pidgeon), along with his sidekick Lucius (Peter Lorre, looking suitably uncomfortable) hatch a scheme to put out the fire by firing a missile into its midst.

There's plenty of intrigue (sic) along the way, with a born-again survivor (and his little dog, too!) two "dames" who can never leave well enough alone, a passel of "red shirts" who are expendable, and plot holes big enough for Godzilla to walk through. Thrill to the Seaview being chased at what looks like 60 miles per hour by another sub -- no need for advanced sonar when you can follow from 100 feet astern.

The movie careens from one cliff-hanger to another; the payoff is so anticlimactic as to be pointless, certainly not worth the 1 hour and 50 minute wait.

The technical adviser for this shipwreck must have been a 14-year old boy with a stack of Popular Mechanics magazines. Worth watching, if only to riff upon.

San Francisco International Airport: San Francisco International (1970) Season 1, Episode 0

Travel back (by jet) to a simpler time...

[8/10 · 7 December 2006]

OK, so this movie and the subsequent series tanked...but it's brought many evenings of joy to us as cannon fodder for the rapier-like minds at MST3K, who hit this one over the 400- foot sign. It succeeds in a way its makers never intended...

Pernell Roberts struts around "his" airport, annoying congressmen and local bureaucrats alike. Clu Gulagher mumbles and mutters his lines while trying to be the sheriff on the spread, though his thunder is stolen by the postal inspector. A Mr. Hunter inserts "Tab A" into this B-movie with a plot to steal either a million bucks or a crate of old magazines, I'm never sure which. Weaving through this plot (sic) is Davey, who stumbles through the action like Billy in the Family Circus. Will he find the radio? Will the plane land safely? Will we even remotely care? And who gets to ask David Hartman, "Why the long face?"

Previous reviewers have been much too harsh -- this one should be viewed as a monument to all the things the 1970s brought us -- B movies, no Homeland Security checkpoints, planes with aisles as wide as city streets, three-martini lunches, and made-for-TV hippies...

Having expectations just means disappointment in the end. Let it wash over you and laugh!

Operation Pacific (1951)

It was a simpler time...

[8/10 · 28 November 2006]

Talk about broad brush strokes -- there isn't an ounce of subtlety in this movie as far as the eye can see. But it's a classic post-WWII "sea picture", and it swaggers and struts just like The Duke himself. It's impossible to imagine anyone else starring in this picture.

Wayne plays "Duke" Forrest, executive officer of the submarine Thunderfish, commanded by his mentor and friend "Pop", who you figure is wearing a Star Trek red shirt under his khakis by the second reel.

Sure enough, Duke winds up captaining the "Thunder" while trying to patch things up with his Ex, the high-maintenance Patricia Neal. In one memorable scene she reads him the riot act about his behavior, while he stares at a point in space above her head, several miles away. You can almost hear him thinking, "Dames like this always got pot roast in the oven..."

This film is a rather jarring counterpoint to realistic epics like "Das Boat" -- clearly OUR subs had it all -- climate control (no one sweats), plenty of space (enough for a boat-load of rescued Nuns with about 20 orphans -- each one more scrubbed and freckle-faced than the last), and enough interior lighting to make Martha Stewart jealous. The brave crew features the usual lily-white, WASP-y cross-section of America, featuring Junior ("my Great Grandpappy was on the Merrimack!"), Jonesy (a wisecracking Mike Dukakis lookalike) and Lieutenant Larry, who sounds like a Cary Grant knockoff. The Chief, who obviously served as a cabin boy on the Ark, is along to keep everyone in line.

Having said all that, this is a wonderful film to break out on Memorial Day, to honor the brave sailors who went into harm's way in glorified sewer pipes with busted torpedoes, many to remain "on patrol" for eternity. Big, loud and jingoistic, this film nevertheless has its heart in the right place.

Ice Station Zebra (1968)

Now THIS is a Hollywood film!

[9/10 · 28 November 2006]

Howard Hughes' favorite movie -- need more be said?

MGM pulled out all the stops on this big-screen, Cold War classic. Rock Hudson leads an all-star cast as Commander James Ferraday, captain of a nuclear submarine sent on a desperate rescue mission to the top of the world.

About the only thing you won't find in this picture are the "dames" - there's not a one to be found in this big-budget, wide-screen testosterone-soaked Panavision epic.

Adapted from the Alistair McLean novel of the same name, this movie features plot twists and intrigue galore. Patrick McGoohan is marvelous as British agent "Jones", who matches wits with Hudson's Ferraday one for one -- the scenes between them positively crackle. Ernest Borgnine trades PT-73 for SSN 509, playing an anti-Russian Russian with a dubious dialect (nobody's perfect.) Former football great Jim Brown plays the tough-as-nails Marine platoon leader who trusts no one.

The real heroes of the film are the special effects wizards who recreate both the claustrophobic interior of the submarine and the wonderful sequences of the sub navigating gingerly under the ice pack.

One of the few "Hollywood Productions" that actually lives up to the billing -- just marvelous!

Da Ali G Show (2000–2004)

Sasha Baron Cohen - stunt comic!

[9/10 · 9 November 2006]

I never know whether to simply laugh out loud (which I do) or clap my hands at the sheer audacity, the self control Cohen must need to spoof so many people so well. But usually it's a moot point, since I'm laughing too hard to do anything at all! "Ali G" has an uncanny ability to push his victim's buttons, all the while acting as an incredibly ignorant and occasionally boorish interviewer. Watch him take on Pat Buchanan ("'Ow many times was you President?"), Sam Donaldson ("Does you remember the scandal when da two journalists brought down the guv'mint in the scandal of Waterworld?") or Buzz Aldrin ("Was you jealous because Louis Armstrong was the first person to walk on da sun?") He also goes on location to farms ("Obviously some so't of trash zoo,") hangs with the tree huggers in Oregon, and visits an anti-gay rights rally with predictable results. Like his idol George Bush, he proves to be the biggest, clumsiest bull in the most delicate of china shops, with hilarious results.

Cohen can rightly claim the throne vacated by the late Peter Sellers, with none of the frightening edge that Sellers developed in later life. As Ali G himself would say, "Total Respec!"

Angels' Brigade (1979)

Proof positive: There are NO original ideas!

[2/10 · 22 August 2006]

Well, maybe one or two. But Hollywood being what it is, the producers of this dreck-fest took the easy way out and made themselves a low-budget version of Charlie's Angels.

As the MST3K guys would say, "This movie is refreshingly itself." What's tragic is to watch both the parade of no-talent jigglers who make up the Angels (dedicated to ineptly keeping drugs off the streets), and the parade of actual Hollywood legends, all clearly down on their luck. It's especially painful to watch Jim Backus, nearing the end of a 40+ year career, harrumph his way through this trainwreck, helped by his island-mate Alan Hale (no, he doesn't get a "little Buddy" line off, but he should have.) Jack Palance and Peter Lawford sell out as well...at least Palance made a comeback of sorts after the City Slickers movies.

The Angels represent every female stereotype, from the mousy schoolteacher to the hip black stuntwoman, to the perky teenager who wants to join the crimefighting. All look good in the requisite white spandex (funny how none of the crooks notices squads of perky woman in white uniforms on their top-secret property, eh?) The hidden jewel of this film is behind the camera. Cinematographer Dean Cundey would go on to direct photography in the Back to the Future series, Forrest Gump, Apollo 13, and Roger Rabbit. In this film, he seems to have been limited to two lights, both with low-wattage bulbs...

Cundey was lucky -- the rest of the cast, stars and tyros alike, for the most part are rarely if ever seen again!

2010 (1984)

The problem with sequels...

[12 August 2006]

...is that they rarely, if ever, equal the original.

...And when the original is the cinematic icon "2001", directing a sequel is like riding on the back of a motorcycle with someone you don't know -- you have to be awfully brave or certifiably nuts.

And director Peter Hyams IS brave. Working hand-in-glove with author Arthur C. Clarke, he's crafted a worthy effort, though (perhaps thankfully) far less enigmatic than the original.

Part of the success lies in the casting: Roy Schieder, an odd choice at first blush, shines as Heywood Floyd, determined to find out what happened to the astronauts on the doomed Discovery, astronauts he selected and sent into the abyss. John Lithgow turns in a fine performance as Curnow, the wisecracking engineer/astronaut, and Bob Balaban is perfect as computer savant Dr. Chandra, a/k/a HAL's daddy.

Two iconic characters return, Keir Dullea as the-man-who-was-Dave Bowman, and HAL, voiced by Canadian stage actor Douglas Rain. This time around, Dullea's character is a worthy equal to that of the murderous computer this time (in 2001, HAL shows much more complexity and emotion than any of his human co-stars.)

The mission and movie both succeed, though the results of both are far from perfect.

Still, one has to admire the effort -- after all, who was the second man on the moon? Who hit 61 home runs after Roger Maris? And who ever, EVER topped Kubrick?

With due respect to an earlier post, I saw 2001 (in Cinerama when it debuted, if you please), and I don't hate 2010 at all.

The Gumball Rally (1976)

Wonderful, guilty fun

[7/10 · 12 August 2006]

Let's face it -- this isn't a movie case you'd proudly display atop your entertainment center, any more than Smokey and the Bandit II.

Having said that, this movie is pure out-and-out fun. Michael Sarrazin and Tim McIntire play two successful businessman who can't outgrow their competitiveness. Every so often they acquire devilishly fast cars and race from New York to the Queen Mary in Long Beach, inviting select friends and accomplices along for the ride. The crew includes two senior citizens in a Mercedes, two chicks in a bomber of a Porsche, a very young Gary Busey in a bright yellow Camaro, and of course Lapchick, the Mad Hungarian on a two-wheeler. Long-suffering Roscoe the cop tries to collar the alleged perps for gross speeding, creating a menace, and inflicting heartburn with predictable results. Raul Julia rounds out the cast as a "borrowed" Formula 1 driver brought in as a ringer.

This movie came out right after the nationwide imposition of 55mph, catalytic converters, and other motoring buzzkills, and it's a little shocking to see gas at 60 cents. Those were the days, eh?

Very well made for a B-movie, excellent photography and editing and the story, though it's a one-liner, makes for an entertaining evening of mindless fun. No deep plots, no intrigue, no worries -- draw the blinds, crank up the stereo speakers, put it in top gear and have at it.

Ordinary People (1980)

Emotive and explosive

[8/10 · 12 August 2006]

"You can't handle mess," Donald Sutherland tells Mary Tyler Moore.

That's the theme of Robert Redford's masterpiece. A somewhat earthier way to put it is the well known "S**t happens." Indeed it does. This movie explores what happens when a wealthy, successful but repressed family has to deal with it.

Timothy Hutton turns in the best performance of his career as Conrad Jarrett, youngest son of Calvin and Beth (Sutherland and Moore). Conrad's older brother Buck has died in a boating accident, one that Conrad has survived. Conrad is all but consumed by survivor's guilt, and has just rejoined his family in tony Lake Forest, Illinois, after hospitalization following a suicide attempt.

Hutton and Moore give electrifying performances as the son who desperately wants reassurance and acceptance by his loving but emotionally crippled mother. Beth (Moore) can't let go of her beloved eldest son's memory, and regards Conrad's pain and feelings of guilt as weakness. Sutherland is wonderful as the kind but ineffective Calvin, who can't quite get a grip on what's happening around him. Though his performance is spot-on, Sutherland gets blown off the screen by Moore and Hutton.

Conrad finds refuge in the office of Dr. Berger (Judd Hirsch, who uses his impeccable comic timing to maximum advantage as a sardonic shrink). Berger helps Conrad to acknowledge his pain and feelings of guilt (and frustration with his parents), helps him to feel acceptance of the situation, if not approval. This upsets the dysfunctional balance of the family, however, and the outcome is not surprising but still painful.

Redford focuses the camera like a laser-beam, and the result is totally believable. It would have been far too easy to go over the top with any of this movie's themes, but Redford always modulates the character's emotions down to a WASP-y, clenched-teeth ferocity. No one except Conrad actually loses his temper or shows raw emotion -- the others suck it in and pretend that all's right with the world, when it's clearly not.

There was some grousing after this movie won Best Picture in 1980, but after one viewing I think that any sane person would agree with the accolades.

Silent Running (1972)

A heartbreaking movie that offers a preview of monster talent.

[12 August 2006]

The credits of this movie read like a Who's Who of film-makers about to hit it big: written by Michael Cimino and Deric Washburn ("The Deer Hunter") and Steven Bochco ("Hill St. Blues", along with about a zillion other hits.)

Bruce Dern gives the kind of complex, anguished performance that would characterize the body of his later work. He's certainly got issues in this film, as the biologist of a cluster of forests sent into deep space for safe keeping, the earth having been rendered all but uninhabitable by pollution. When the orders come from Dick Cheney (oops, sorry -- wrong movie -- or is it?) to jettison and destroy the forests, he has to decide between his shipmates and the animals and trees...

The real star behind the scenes is rookie director Douglas Trumbull, who would become more famous for his ground-breaking special photographic effects on "2001" and "Bladerunner" than as the director he aspired to be. This was Trumbull's first time at the helm, a job he took reluctantly because no one else wanted it (the film was made for a shoestring, and shot mostly on location aboard the defunct aircraft carrier Valley Forge, which lends its name to the spacecraft in the film.)

This was one of five movies made by Universal "on the cheap", after the phenomenal success of the low-budget Easy Rider. Of the five, Silent Running was a modest success, though it suffering from lack of publicity, an erroneous decision made by the bean-counters in the Universal Tower. The other success was "American Graffiti". Each movie was made for a paltry one million dollars.

It would have been far too easy to turn this film into a "movie of the week", with sentiment slapped on with a trowel. Dern and Trumbull deftly avoid this trap with ease, and the movie remains one of the sweetest, saddest environmentalist/Sci-fi movies ever. Trumbull describes himself in the accompanying featurette as a loner, more comfortable with technology than people, and it's clear that Dern picked up on this. His character is alienated, flawed, but very, very human. As fellow iconoclast Hunter Thompson once said, Buy the ticket -- take the ride.

Although the story takes center stage, Trumbull's special effects hold up very well and have a far more organic feel than today's CGI. One of the youngsters hired for the model shop was John Dykstra, who would go on to the ground-breaking motion-control effects of the first Star Wars.

Be sure to screen the DVD edition, with a commentary track featuring Trumbull and Dern, and a couple of nice additional features about the making of the movie and about Trumbull's most interesting career.

Star Trek: Spock's Brain (1968) Season 3, Episode 1

They needed a script...

[4/10 · 11 August 2006]

Feeding the beast of weekly, episodic TV occasionally means settling for scripts that are less than the best. This is a case in point -- a couple of sexy aliens swipe Spock's brain to run their electric Mah Jong set. McCoy, benefiting from a latter-day medical podcast, puts it back. Of course it still works.

Oh, well. Spock and McCoy bicker, Kirk gets a Jones for the aliens, Uhura opens hailing frequencies, and all's well with the Federation. It's too bad that Mystery Science Theatre never had the chance to send up some of these classic episodes. One wonders what kind of demolition job they could pull on this one.

The China Syndrome (1979)

It wears well and it's still frightening!

[8/10 · 11 March 2006]

It was easy to dismiss this film as hyperbole at the time of its release. Fonda, Douglas and Lemmon were known "lefties", but the accident at Three Mle Island provided shocking context to this fictional drama.

This film works on many levels, taking shots at both public utilities and TV news. 1979 was the zenith of the infamous "Happy Talk" format of TV news (see also "Ron Burgundy") and it's on display here in all its glory. The sonorous anchor grimly reads a story about a "grinding head-on collision" before cheerfully introducing Kimberley Wells (Fonda), doing a story about a veterinarian who makes house (or is that "aquarium?") calls. The show's producer and the station manager argue about content - or lack thereof - behind the scenes.

There are a few technical errors. The PR flack (James Hampton) shows Fonda and Douglas the requisite scale model of a pressurized water reactor plant, built by Westinghouse. Later, as Lemmon and Wilford Brimley (nicely playing Lemmon's friend/colleague, caught between duty and loyalty) fight a sudden crisis in the plant' s control room, they're obviously running a boiling-water plant (built by GE.) A small point, but curious, considering how many details the screenwriters got right.

Like any good drama, the film asks more questions than it answers. The real-world accident at TMI proves the film's basic premise. The working title for the film was originally "Power", and you'll see why. As nuclear power prepares to make a comeback in these days of $3 gas, "The China Syndrome" is as relevant today as it was over 25 years ago.

The High and the Mighty (1954)

The Pre-quel to "Airplane!"

[6/10 · 3 March 2006]

This wonderful film is now impossible to take seriously due to the success of "Airplane!" It's worth seeing, if only to see the genesis of so many of "Airplane!"'s gags.

One thing's certain, this film treats itself with deadly earnest. Every character has a story to tell, and oh, do they tell it. For hours. You wind up wanting to cut the scenes short with gags (sucker punches, self-immolations or what have you.) Despite the efforts of the screenwriter, you couldn't care less about anyone aft of the cockpit...in fact, some of them should probably he heaved overboard to lighten the load.

When the "action" finally starts, you long for Robert Stack to start yelling "Stryker! That plane can't land itself!" John Wayne cruises through this picture, so relaxed as to make you think his character is on drugs.

It's fun to imagine what the MST3K "bots" would have done with this one...it would have been a bloodbath.

Racket Girls (1951)

"Maybe I'm crazy!" "It helps a little..."

[6/10 · 17 February 2006]

One of the best MST3K send-ups of all time. It's hard to imagine a movie more primed for satire.

It's all there: the ineffective hoods, the Michael Stipe lookalike; the short, ethnic sidekick; "Monk", who gets off some killer lines when he's not coked-up, and of course Peaches, the disturbingly Amazonian wrestler with a room-temperature IQ and the build of a Greyhound bus.

Check out Rita Martinez doing a killer Gilda Radner imitation, as she declares in a pre-NAFTA time, "You theenk you can take advantage of me because I am Mexican!" Well, her agent clearly did.

As the ad copy usually says, "It's an experience you'll want to watch again and again!" And you will - laughter is truly the best medicine.

Secret Agent Super Dragon (1966)

Spaghetti Spy

[4/10 · 14 February 2006]

Super Dragon? What kinda spy name is that?

This is one of the better spy movie send-ups, especially because it takes itself completely seriously. The Dragon is remarkably smooth and smug, and his lumpy, cheerful sidekick Babyface is along to help solve the mysteries of dead colleagues, toxic gum and villains who can't stop decorating. Our Hero is worldly ("Fremont, Michigan? That's a little college town, isn't it?") but accident-prone -- he'll stay away from Ludenkelder after this assignment. This movie is colorless as spy movies go, except for the wild colorings in the ladies' hair. ("Betcha that color comes out of a bottle," one character grumps.) Worth getting the MST3K-ized version of this film, especially for musical interlude provided by Joel and the 'bots.

Unlike such efforts as Code Name: Diamond Head, this movie actually has some decent locations, including a panorama of foggy windmills that looks like a "starving artists" painting.

Be sure to check out Mario Cuomo (well, it sure looks like him) as the art collector with a collection of pen-phones and unlisted numbers. Take my word for it!

End of the Line (1987)

Derailed

[3/10 · 14 February 2006]

As much as I love trains, I couldn't stomach this movie. The premise that one could steal a locomotive and "drive" from Arkansas to Chicago without hitting another train along the way has to be right up there on the Impossible Plot lines hit board. Imagine two disgruntled NASA employees stealing the "crawler" that totes the shuttles to and fro and driving it to New York and you get the idea.

Having said all that, it's a nice try. Wilford Brimely is at his Quaker Oats best, and Levon Helm turns a good performance as his dimwitted but well-meaning sidekick. Bob Balaban is suitably wormy as the Corporate Guy, and the "little guy takes on Goliath" story gets another airing.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)

The prime directive says, "Don't cut so long!!"

[4/10 · 14 February 2006]

After screening this effort, you'll need to apply an entire box of Bland-aids.

This film doesn't come anywhere near warp speed. In fact it should be studied by all editors and directors, since every other shot in the opening 45 minutes is a "cutaway": Show a wide shot of the ship, cut away to Kirk looking lustful. Back to the long shot of the ship, back to Scotty looking fatherly. Back to the wide shot...you get the idea. Now...tighten that puppy up a bit and you're cookin'. Problem is, the resulting movie would only be 45 minutes long, and the suits in the Gulf + Western tower would have started throwing the furniture about.

This is doubly ironic, as director Robert Wise started as an editor. His most famous edit-room effort was a little art-house film you may have heard of called "Citizen Kane"!

Saavy Star Trekkers will know that one should skip the odd-numbered films in this series; the even-numbered ones were the best of the litter -- it's logical. This prime-numbered edition features bland hunk Stephen Collins sporting a Dick Tracy two-way wrist radio, Phersis Khambatta as the bald chick (long before the grunge look was pop), and the rest of the lethargic crew mailing in their performances. They hadn't worked as a troupe for years and it shows. Some of the "Rocky Jones" serials from the 50s have more action. The biggest waste of genuine talent is Marc Lenard (Spock's father in later editions), hidden under 50 lbs of Klingon makeup, and with all of one good line: "REEESH!"

This movie suffers from $10 million worth of stunning special effects (produced at genuine warp speed to meet an insane deadline by Douglas Trumbull of "2001" and "Bladerunner" fame, after the original effects house was photon-torpedoed), mated to a $10 script, essentially a warmed-over version of one of the TV episodes.

The movie also features the most screamingly funny unintentional gag in the entire series, Decker and Checkov yelling at each other in slow motion as they go through a "worm hole" -- "Noooooooo......beeeeelllllaaaaayyy tttthhhhhhaaaaattt ppphhhaaassseeerrr oooorrrrddeeerrr!" The only moment more painful has to be Kirk, Spock and McCoy singing "Row your boat" in ST5...but that was many films and light-years into the future. Worth seeing if only for background, but far inferior to the "multiples of 2"-numbered films that followed.

Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

"Paaawwwwwlll!!"

[5/10 · 13 February 2006]

MST3k introduced the term "The Load" in the movie "The Mole People". It was used thereafter to describe any secondary character who whined, complained, or lagged behind due to one physical infirmity or another.

In this instance, the character of Kathy proves to be the load, getting her foot stuck between rocks (while wearing high heels and a sort of terrycloth evening dress) while scrambling up a cliff trying to save her Moonbeast beau.

Well, I won't spoil the details for you, otherwise you'd start upchucking your stew of "Corn...chicken...green peppers...onions..."

One of the better send-ups by MST3K, this movie has everything -- a bloated, ineffective sheriff who can't stand for an entire take without finding something to lean on, a smug, bored anthropologist-cum-tribal head (the famous Johnny Longbow), plus "Pawwwllll", the grad student still living with his parents and a pet iguana.

What really makes a movie great is when you care about the characters -- and this movie is very, very far from greatness. A band featuring The Fish-Lipped Guy provides a much needed musical (sic) diversion. Put a pillow over your head to muffle your own screams.

Code Name: Diamond Head (1977 TV Movie)

Code Name: Failed Pilot

[3/10 · 13 February 2006]

Another turgid action/adventure flick from the Quinn Martin Productions factory. Roy Thinnes plays undercover agent Diamond Head (Mr. Head, to you), working for his G-Man handler "Aunt Mary", looking for "Tree", who's on a mission to...well, just watch the movie.

This one deserved and got the full MST3K sendup. As the boys and various reviewers have pointed out, the movie "Fargo" had more Hawaiian locations than this film. Apparently shot on a puny budget, this movie highlights Hawaii's broken-down dive shops, gas stations, and cheapo hotels. Zulu -- later to star as Kono in Hawaii-Five-O -- appears as Thinnes' lumpy, inept sidekick, while France Nguyen models the Jenny Craig diet gone horribly wrong. Others sharing the flickering screen include a drunken Richard Harris knockoff, a George Takai imitator, a not-so-smart hit-man with sprayed-on Sansabelt slacks, and the villain "Tree", sporting a veddy British accent. You can pretty much figure out the plot halfway through the opening credits, but relax--just enjoy the giddy mediocrity of this 70's movie-of-the-week.

Whenever I think of this movie (and I think of this movie often), I catch myself humming the theme, written for flute and tuba...no one knows why.

Trivia note--Diamond Head was directed by Jeannot Szwarc, one of three contract directors at Universal who would go on to make much bigger films, in his case Jaws 2. The others were John Badham (War Games), and a young fellow named Steven Spielberg...

Warrior of the Lost World (1983)

Bad Mothers! Bad Mothers!

[2/10 · 13 February 2006]

Elegantly, wonderfully, deliciously bad. The only way to truly appreciate this cinematic train wreck is to watch the MST3K version (less than a minute into the opening credits, Tom Servo asks, "Is it too late to kill myself?") Robert Ginty mumbles and grumbles his "dialog", Donald Pleasance reprises his many roles as the androgenous bad-ass, and a supporting cast of extras resembling Jimmy Carter, Saddam, Bluto, and Mimi keep things moving. One of the many films that makes an inexact science of ballistics -- no one with a gun can manage to even nick another character with a shot, even at point-blank range. Worth seeing, if only to watch in sadistic delight as "Megaweapon" runs over Einstein, the squeaky-voiced, talking motorcycle.

Apocalypse Now (1979)

Don't do Redux

[5/10 · 13 January 2006]

Perhaps I'm a purist, but I much prefer the "original", non-director's cut of Apocalypse Now, which is a much tighter film than the Brando-sized Redux. Coppola deleted entire scenes before the original release, scenes that have found their way back into the Redux version.

The original cut remains one of the most beautiful nightmares ever put on film. It is evident from the documentary "Hearts of Darkness" that Coppola himself was battling to stay sane on his own trip up the river, between budgetary pressures, monsoons, medical emergencies, a story with no ending, and a bloated, unprepared Marlon Brando who nearly sank the last three weeks of shooting.

Out of this madness came form, and as with art of almost any kind, it works best in its first iteration. The Gestalt of film editing rules. Coppola's only real mistakes were (1) to admit that he had trouble with the ending, and (2) deciding to add unnecessary bulk to this taught, nightmarish masterpiece.

Crimson Tide (1995)

Tense, if flawed, cold-war thriller.

[7/10 · 1 January 2006]

No one's yet managed to truthfully present daily life aboard a submarine on screen. For instance, checking the US Navy recruitment site offers a few clues as to the potential characteristics of your shipmates: To become as a submarine officer, the Navy would prefer if you had a GPA of 3.5 in math or physics, and then commit to a Navy graduate-level program of nuclear physics, metallurgy, fluid- dynamics, etc. Conversely, to be like Tom "Top Gun" Cruise and fly jets -- 2.0 GPA, no specific major is just fine.

You'd be forgiven for assuming, then, that the bookworms ride the subs, and the kids with high testosterone levels wind up going Navy Air.

So why are all the excitable, non-analytic types on this submarine? The number of sailors running around at any given time is astonishing. Plus, the missile decks have enough room to hold a cathedral (which, considering the obvious steam leaks going unchecked, might be a good thing.)

OK, OK...the story's the thing, and it brings up some interesting questions. I won't spoil it, but suffice to say that the Navy was so bothered by the script that they refused any and all cooperation (the opposite of their attitude towards "Red October.") The script loses some of its punch in this post-cold war era, but the "boomers" still patrol, Hackman and Washington are still fine actors (along with a pre-Sopranos James Gandolfini), and Tony Scott knows how to point a camera. Rig for deep submergence, and enjoy, flaws and all.

Monster a Go-Go (1965)

"Hey, he's taped his script to the floor!"

[2/10 · 1 January 2006]

Problems with memorization are the least of this film's troubles. My ears may be going, but it seemed as if the microphone was consistently placed in another area code, the sound is that bad. Add to this the famed "one light" technique (as in, "we couldn't afford a second light"), a plot with more holes than a New Orleans dike, and a script that runs out of gas before the last reel, and...well, you get the idea. This one has all the markings of a Coleman Francis stink-burger, except that Coleman's films are quite a bit better than this wreck -- sad, really.

This is one of the better MST3K send-ups, though it's plain that the 'bots were sucking wind at certain points.

Infinity (1996)

A must-see for Feymnanauts

[7/10 · 1 January 2006]

Richard Feynman was famed for his playful, iconoclastic views and discoveries in the realm of theoretical physics; he won a Nobel Prize for his later work. But in the mid-1940's, he was a brilliant 25-year old kid working on the Manhattan Project at Los Alamos, and his beloved wife was dying of Hodgkins disease. The story of Arline and Richard Feynman might seem tepid or boring to non-Feymanauts, but anyone who has read "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman" and especially "What do you care what other people think?" will love it. Broderick does a good job capturing Feynman's early persona -- brilliant, able to argue a physics problem with Robert Oppenheimer, but at heart still an awkward, shy young man madly in love with his doomed wife. Sweet, sad, and memorable.

The Final Sacrifice (1990 Video)

It's "Mitchell" with the rich, bacony taste of Canada!

[7/10 · 28 December 2005]

A quick rip through the IMDb database reveals that none of the principal actors in this trainwreck went on to greatness...no surprise here.

Between Rowsdower's mullet, Troy's questionable dentistry, and Mike Pipper's killer Yosemite Sam imitation, there's not much room left for action, which is just as well. Personally I thrilled to the endless sights of black-tunicked ectomorphs running after Zap (hell, an arthritic turtle could have caught this guy, but not this bunch. Shoulda cut eye-holes in the masks, guys.) For those of you wondering what happened to the candy-apple-red Gran Torino from "Starsky and Hutch", it's alive and burning oil in Canada -- and it can't catch a scrawny kid on a ten- speed bike. Sad, really.

This film was, I'm told, the hit of the Canada's famous Eagle Hat Film Festival...the 10 or so attendees gave it four stars, which tells you something about the competition...

Best line from the 'bots: "So...you gonna be a guide or a Mountie when you grow up?"