Change Your Image
trancesucked
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
The Expanse (2015)
The deep end is worth the swim, too much time spent in the shallow end for my liking
I make that summary in the middle of an episode since I noticed I couldn't pay attention any longer. The first season and first 4 episodes of the second held my full attention which is rare. I binged the whole thing one after another, maybe this is part of the reason I'm having trouble at the moment.
These deep ends I speak of have my mind wandering while I should be paying attention, then I lose focus and suddenly some giant mirror thing is blowing up and I'm not sure what's going on. I do appreciate the lack of romance/relationship/sex scenes, as I grow older I find these scenes to be a complete waste of time. I don't want to devote 5 minutes to watching people say "i like u a lot u like me a lot" and then rubbing their bodies together. I think the creators recognized this and I'm thankful for it.
My biggest problem is the accents and mumbling in many of the scenes, specifically with the Iranian actress who plays Chrisjen the politician. Here we have an ESL woman with a heavy accent and a speech impediment doing a fake accent on top of it all. ewf I twyped in swe manneugh in viewtch she wspoke it world be ilredgible. If you can understand what I just typed, I guess it's not much of a problem for you but you are the 0.1% I'm sure. I'm Canadian and have had no shortage of conversations with people who could barely speak English, so for anyone without a strong grasp of the language much of this show is probably too difficult and frustrating to understand.
I also have a huge problem with the show pushing diversity, that we're all one world peoples and that race is only skin deep. These "strong" female leads are detrimental to people's perception of reality as well. There's one martian woman who keeps trying to pick a fight with a black man from earth as if it were slightly possible in a million years for a 130 pound 37 year old woman to contend with a 200 pound black man with prime muscular structure and bone density. Ladies, do not let this get to your head, I've seen the real world repercussions of women believing that they're capable of defeating a man in physical combat. They get their heads hurt badly.
I have plenty more to say, Thomas Jane is good, I expected him to be killed off sooner due to his higher-up celebrity status but was pleasantly surprised that he lasted into the second season. Amos' actor and character are a surprise too, the second season has some great improvements. Not a fan of Jimmy's character or acting, but it's alright. I also think that hundreds of years of blowing things up in space would probably result in far more debris destroying things and raining down on the worlds but it's fine if they pretend it wouldn't be an issue.
Point Break (2015)
This movie by any other name would smell sweeter.
Along with Diablo earlier this year, this movie is about 2 full points below where it should be in ratings. This movie is better than the movie with the original title, which I found boring and I disliked most of the actors. If this movie was called "EcoCrimes" or anything else, it would probably be sitting at 7.5 right now. It's fun and exciting, well paced, not predictable and well acted. It's no masterpiece, but it's the best at being what it is. When I first saw the trailer (and by saw I mean skipped through so the movie wasn't ruined) I knew that it would be a good movie that's going to be crapped all over just because it's a sequel/remake. Over the years I've learned to trust my instincts and I'm glad I did with this movie. Allow yourself to enjoy it!
Europa Report (2013)
Ugh they got me once again
It goes like this: I disregard movies rated 6.5-7 I get bored of watching the 1000 movies rated 7.0 or higher I dabble under 7 and I like some of what I find I hit a 6.5 and decide to give it a shot I swear off anything under a 7 for a few years repeat I need two more lines Sharlto Copley is a bad actor District ten is the only sequel that should have been made during the past five years, and it's the only one that doesn't exist. OK this is only seven lines of text. I still need two more lines after this one oh my goodness what in the heck? I have a poopy bottom i need my bottom wiped it is stinky. I have to go number 1 though so i might as well get that over with and kill two birds with one stone, or two bodily functions with one diaper as they say
American Ultra (2015)
I'll never watch a Jesse Eisenberg movie with a rating under 8 again.
The director of a bad movie teams up with the writer of another bad movie to make a slightly less bad movie starring two very annoying actors and a third annoying actor.
I feel like Paul Dano might have fit well into this movie, I'll never tire of hearing him whine and scream while a real man beats him with various objects.
Kristen Stewart, although I'm in love with her because she's so pretty, still hasn't taken an acting class. Stop doing that with your hands and your head, and make facial expressions please.
Bill Pullman was in this movie for about 30 seconds.
A bunch of unmemorable crap and predictable stuff happens in it. I predicted that it would suck before I watched it, and then I was right. It's one of those movies that I came very close to skipping but neglected to trust my instincts. I could have spent an hour and a half looking at cat pictures and playing webgames and had a better time.
Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp (2015)
The movie was funny
Where are the funny parts? It sucks. i don't like it. i didn't laugh at all at the first episode so I stopped watching. Where is christopher maloni? How come there was no good parts? I watched the movie just before watching the show to get ready but the show blew. I laughed out loud several times during the movie. The ugly dude got uglier and aged worse than the other dudes and he gets way too much screen time again just like in the movie. I was hoping that this would be good but it wasn't. The dick jokes were bad and unfunny. There was no whacky stuff like going into town and beating up old ladies and doing heroin. No children died and got dumped by the side of the road. Nobody talked to a can. This is ten lines so I think I'm done.
Wayward Pines (2015)
Absolutely awful
It took the main character hours to reach the fence when he left his car to climb the mountain. His wife and son found it in 20 seconds.
He's with his partner in the forest, let's leave with a suitcase at night.
Let's not tell newcomers anything and just act dickish and weird to them and hope they just accept it.
I'm federal agent man, but I'm a dumbass and I don't really ever say anything other than I want to leave, but I say it in different ways sometimes. I never just straight up ask for an explanation either, I just pout and whine.
We couldn't afford to pay Juliette Lewis for more than two episodes, but IMDb says she's in every episode this season. I guess the 30 seconds she was hanging from a chain counts though.
Hi I'm the son, I don't open my mouth when I speak so I sound like Owen Wilson. Hi, I'm the mom, I'm a sheet of wallpaper. Hi, I'm Terrence Howard, I finally capitulated and settled for crap money in this crap show when I could have been in the iron man movies.
Hi I'm the cricket sound making machine, I'm here for no reason, nobody would question why there aren't any crickets but we decided to put a cricket sound making machine in the bushes because uhhh it's all weird and stuff.
The Elephant in the Living Room (2010)
Don't be fooled, this is incredibly boring and poorly made
TL;DW caged animals are a problem.
This entire documentary is an hour and a half of two guys telling stories that you know the ending to, separated by random news clips while sad, repetitive music plays through the entire thing. It could be condensed down into about five minutes. One guy is a bunch of weepy regret with shots of him crying and shots of his caged lions, the other guy just says "I once caught this, I once caught that" over and over and over.
Ten lines of text,
Ten lines of text,
ten lines of text.
Rectify (2013)
Nothing happens.
I watched three episodes of sitting, standing, laying down, opening doors, entering rooms, playing with feathers and super awkward conversations.
"I um, would you uh... do you want a glass of water from the fridge tomorrow this afternoon maybe?"
"Uh, I just think I'd do pleased well as I am to keep my mouth at the level of moisture that it currently rests upon if it doesn't mind you too much of a problem"
I'd like to find out what happens but there's no way I'm watching paint dry for an hour to get to it.
Hopefully someday someone will upload a supercut of all of the least boring scenes and it'll tell a decent half hour story.
Divergent (2014)
Pure trash
An hour and a half into this failure of a hunger games wannabe, the main character and her not boyfriend get stuck in a box. "You have to find a way to stop this box from crushing us", he says. She grabs the screws off the ground and he tells her "good". He then proceeds to deliver the absolute worst line in the history of cinema:
"Take your time, I'm just enjoying myself in this shrinking box".
WHO THE F WROTE THIS LINE? I WANT TO TRACK YOU DOWN AND I WANT TO TRACK DOWN YOUR SUPERVISOR OR WHOEVER PAYS YOU OR BOSSES YOU.
Anyway, who the frig is this movie trying to speak to? I can picture teenagers across the country watching this movie and every single one will think to themselves "wow, I'm divergent like her!"
If you really identify with this person, it's because you're less stupid than really stupid people. You're not smart, you're not special, you're just not an idiot. You're a decent checkers player at best, but you suck at chess.
I don't have much of a conspiratorial mind, but I feel like this movie was made to frig with teenagers heads. I feel like they consulted mad scientists and psychologists to figure out how to have a significant impact on the psyche of impressionable minds. Now there are kids out there doing insane things because they're going to save humanity with their uniqueness.
I'm a moron and I don't know what I'm talking about. My fifth grade teacher wrote that I'm a divergent thinker. Does not participate in class discussion was a recurring theme in my report cards throughout school. Also "needs to ask for help".
I don't need your help, I know the answers but I feel my time is better spent daydreaming. I learned this sheet on sesame street when I was 4, that was half my life ago. Asking for help means making the class longer and wasting my precious youth sitting in this plastic chair learning things I already know and frustrating me to the point where I'm having thoughts no child should have.
In closing, the world is retarded and complicated and simple and confusing and I just wanna lay in bed getting high and watching movies.
Battle: Los Angeles (2011)
Soldiers' faces, explosions, soldiers' faces, explosions
I stopped watching after half an hour of soldier's faces and explosions. This movie is the most mind-numbing piece of I don't know what in history. Literally nothing happens, it's just soldier's faces and explosions.
"I am a soldier expressing emotions. wow that's a big explosion"
"We are in a helicopter. Stay focused on the task"
"We are walking around. Stay focused."
"woah there's a dead body. Look at my face while I look at it as explosions happen in the distance."
I wish that I could just end this review right now, because that's all I have to say. I guess I'll continue to say things in keeping with the theme of the movie.
"uh oh i hear a noise and it's very smoky oh it's just a dog everybody it's a dog the animal is a dog his name is glenn."
"uh oh it's more explosions i hope glenn is OK"
"soldier's faces and explosions".
The Field (1990)
Turn in your neighbours to the state or the man says you will suffer
The church and the state will steal your property and use it to enslave your neighbours. Praise them and pay them so that they can do this, otherwise you may feel a little bit bad about yourself because some stupid A$$hole told you to.
Die so that the machine may build a civilization (an inherently unsustainable and catastrophically destructive series of blocks requiring the importation of resources) where taxation runs around 40% and nobody owns anything due to eminent domain laws.
This is so much better than feudalism! I will only pay if you force all of my neighbours to pay as well, that way it's fair!
F the world depicted in this movie but f the world we're living in now even more. I'll take 1000000 dead donkies over the life of a good, honest, hard working upstanding man.
Rush (2013)
When not watching the trailer would have paid off
Trailers these days ruin movies more than Kevin Costner could ever hope to achieve. The trailer for this movie is kind of an anti-trailer. I was fooled into thinking that I was about to watch a movie about Chris Hemsworth's character, which isn't too much of a stretch considering he must have at least 75% of the scenes in the trailer.
But this was not Chris Hemsworth's movie, far from it. This was Daniel Brole(?)'s movie. I added a question mark because I still don't know his name after watching the trailer, the movie and consequently obsessing over the information surrounding the actual events. It's either Brole or Brule and it has an accent.
I'm still on the trailer, there's more to be said. It was one of the best trailers in recent history, simply due to the fact that it didn't give the entire movie away. If I hadn't seen the trailer before watching the movie, I don't think I would have had the same experience. Not only did it not spoil the movie, it prepared me for some obscure historical event from the bottom of the bag being massacred into a motion picture.
wow incoherent rambling review much? such amaze so wow. All I've done was talk about the trailer. 10 stars 100% on rotten tomatoes. There are some amazing movies that you'd never want to watch again, I'll see in five or ten years if this one is one of them. I've watched National Lampoon's Senior Trip (Jeremy Renner's first role) at least a dozen times, but it's a pretty terrible movie.
Rush is good rush is great it was my favourite movie this year it kinda played out like an Ayn rand novel and I wonder if Niki Lauda was into her at all, since he seems.... kinda fricked (WHY CAN'T I USE PROFANITY IN MY REVIEW, THAT'S INSANE IT'S 2013 GET YOUR STUPID STUFF TOGETHER GUYS. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET SAID FRICK OVER 400 FRICKING TIMES AND I CAN'T POST A REVIEW SAYING IT ONCE?????????) up like those people tend to be.
American Hustle (2013)
I watched 20 minutes and turned it off
And that's something I rarely do. The only other two I can think of are "Dark City" and "Brazil". I was cringing half the time, the acting was terrible, Jennifer Lawrence looks like she had a 5 year old apply her makeup. From what I watched, this entire movie is just a sequence of narrated scenes. Also, way to overuse typical 70s music. They played like 5 different songs in the first 10 minutes.
This movie's actual rating belongs at about a 3.7, not 8.2.
I'm required to type more lines in order to post this review so that's what I'm doing. Nope, still not enough. Christian Bale was probably the best actor, everyone else was high school drama class awkward. One more line.
You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)
The title of this movie upsets me.
It's been nearly eight years since this movie came out. I remember seeing the trailer and thinking to myself "A bunch of millionaires sat in a room talking about the title of the movie and this is what they went with?"
This is a link to the spot in the trailer where the announcer says the title: http://www.youtube.com/watch? feature=player_detailpage&v=jmMXk0bA8gk#t=136
This is a six word title. Why not "Don't mess with Zohan" or "Don't mess with the Zohan"?
I remember watching the movie but I don't remember a single thing about it. All I remember is the end of that trailer. The announcer saying the title is the only thing I remember about the entire movie. Except that he's a secret agent turned barber, which you learn in the trailer.
Thanks for reading my review, don't watch this movie.