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Shrek Forever After (2010)
Well, it's better than part 3.
SHREK FOREVER AFTER or SHREK THE FINAL CHAPTER (or whatever you want to call it) is better than SHREK THE THIRD but that's not saying much.
Seems Shrek is sick of the new life that he has and wants to go back to his old life where people are still afraid of Ogres and he doesn't have to deal with the baggage that comes with being a parent. Hey, if that is the case, you should of wrapped your Ogre dong up with an Ogre condom and your problem should have been solved.
Anyway, Shrek makes a deal with Rumplestiltskin (an annoying voice if I ever did hear one) and suddenly Shrek is swept back to a day when people ARE still afraid of Ogres and he doesn't have the responsibilities of dealing with his offspring. Plus, he no longer has Fiona has his devoted wife. I say devoted cause she made the choice to stay an ugly Ogre instead of the beautiful Princess that she "sorta" was cause she knew that she loved Shrek and that she would pretty much do anything for him. That shows devotion. For Shrek to make a deal with Rumple-dumbass so that he could live his old, so called "normal" life for one day again just shows ignorance on his part.
So, like I have to say it, Shrek realizes that he wants the life back that he had with his wife and his kids and his old friend Donkey and all those other asses. Only thing is, in order for Shrek to get the life back that he had, he must break the deal he had with Rumple-foreskin by kissing Fiona cause in the fine print clause on the deal he made with you-figure-it-out it says something about "True Loves Kiss' or something along those lines. It's only "true love" if Fiona actually loves him. Of course other things happen along the way and of course Fiona does love him by the end of the movie. I don't necessarily consider that a spoiler cause if your reading this and you couldn't figure that out than, well, your an idiot. lol.
Anyway, once again, this movie is better than the 3rd one but, like I said, that's not saying much. I really do hope Dreamworks ends the Shrek franchise with this movie. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Witless Protection (2008)
Forgive me...I laughed!
OK, rag on me if you want to but WITLESS PROTECTION is funnier than HEALTH INSPECTOR and DELTA FARCE. I'm not a big fan of Larry The Cable Guy but I do occasionally find myself laughing at his off color, backwoods redneck jokes. Though I do believe that out of all the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" comedians that Ron White is the funniest hands down.
Anyway, Larry stars in this movie as a small town sheriff trying to make it big. Like FBI big. While hanging out at the local diner where his old lady works (Jenny McCarthy), Larry witnesses 4 ominous looking men dressed in black enter the diner with a blonde bombshell in tow (Ivana Milicevec). Larry, thinking that they have kidnapped the lady, follows them to the local gas station, causes a diversion and snatches the lady away from her entourage of kidnappers. But these men in black are actually FBI agents transporting the lady to Chicago, Illinois where she is the key witness in a big corruption case (think Enron). After awhile though, Larry thinks that these fellars are up to no good and actually want to do harm to the lady and not protect her. So Larry, using his small town Sheriff's intuition, decides that he will deliver the lady to Chicago himself. And mayhem ensues upon the way.
OK, I will admit that there are jokes in here that I disliked in Health Inspector. Those being fart jokes. But damn, I found myself laughing more than I ever thought possible over a Larry The Cable Guy movie. One thing that I didn't quite understand was the scene where Larry's blows up his vehicle trying to make it out that the lady died in the fire. Anyway, it goes right from that scene to a scene where she is at the funeral home, in the casket, and the bad guys show up and Larry tells them that she is dead and they just accept it. Now, I really don't think that the lady's body would go right from the scene of the accident to the funeral home, all ready for public viewing. But, being that it is a Larry The Cable Guy movie, I guess I should just throw all logic right out the window.
Better than Health Inspector? Yes. Better than Delta Farce? Yes. A great movie? No. But there are worse ways you could pass an hour and a half of your life.
The Final Destination (2009)
The Final Destination? Well, one could hope.
When I viewed 'FINAL DESTINATION 3', I logged into IMDb.com (The best movie database on the web!) and wrote a comment for it. In that comment, I stated that New Line Cinema should look at 'Final Destination 3' as "the one that killed the franchise". Apparently, no one over at New Line Cinema logs into IMDb.com (shame on them!) to read user comments. Perhaps they should. I gave 'Final Destination 3' 3 out of 10 stars and stated that "My rating of 3 is for DEATH SCENES only!" And that is what it was for cause that's all 'Final Destination 3' had going for it.
Now, 3 years later, those folks over at New Line Cinema decide to dish out 'The Final Destination', the 4th installment of the franchise that IS even crappier than the 3rd one. Crappy story, crappy deaths, crappy everything. Well, I didn't get to see this in 3-D so I can't say that was crappy.
The movies begins at a racetrack, where Nick O'Bannon (Bobby Campo) and his friends are watching a race. Nick has a premonition and sees a really bad car wreck happen and mayhem ensue. By that, I mean people flee the bleachers in mass hysteria as others around them get killed. One girls has an engine land right on her. A guy falls back toward a broken board, and the board goes in the back of his head and out his mouth. Nick snaps out of his premonition and begins telling his friends what he just saw. They, along with others, leave the bleachers. Naturally, the wreck does happen and Nick and his friends and the people they don't know have cheated death. We all know what happens after that.
The death scenes in this movie were crappy. The only good death, I thought, was the escalator death. And you know people have run out of ideas for good death scene when they borrow a scene out of the first one when one of the characters in here gets slammed by a vehicle. How original. The death scenes also seemed to be quick, not really letting us absorb what has just happened.
FD3 killed the franchise. FD4 buries it in the ground and I really hope they don't dish up another 'Final Destination' film. Well, one could hope.
Teeth (2007)
Makes Men Look Bad!
'TEETH' stars Jess Weixler as Dawn O'Keefe, a girl who has decided to stay pure until she is happily married. Dawn grows up all her life in the vicinity of a nuclear power plant, which would explain the "teeth" in her vagina. We get the idea when, in a scene earlier in the movie, Dawn and her step brother Brad (John Hensley) are in a pool together. Through his body actions, we know that he has exposed himself to her. "I showed you mine now show me yours," he says. She does. His finger travels south. Chomp! The tip is almost bitten off.
Cut to when Dawn is in her teens. "Purity" is the best thing for her and she preaches to other teens about the importance of remaining pure until you find your soul mate. Dawn likes Tobey (Hale Appleman) and he likes her. Dawn and Tobey go out but only with another couple so temptations to "do the deed" will remain low. Finally, they decide to go to a local swimming hole together. There is a waterfall with a cave behind it. They swam into the cave and climb out of the water. They start making out. Dawn wants Tobey to stop. Tobey really doesn't want to, saying that he hasn't masturbated in 3 months. Somehow the back of Dawn's head manages to get whacked off the rocks and she is knocked out. Now's Tobey's chance to get some action. He penetrates her. She comes to and realizes what is going on, trying to push him off from her. That's when it happens. Chomp! There goes Tobey's wiener. Tobey is completely deserving of getting his member chomped off cause he took advantage of Dawn while she was passed out and basically raped her. Tobey falls back into the water and Dawn gets the hell out of there. I think if I was a girl and realized that there was something unnatural about my vagina, I'd be out of there too.
Dawn goes to see Dr. Godfrey (Josh Pais) so she can have her hoohaw examined. The doctor puts some lube on his fingers and proceeds to penetrate her with four of his fingers, saying stuff like, "Oh, you're tight." Chomp! There goes his fingers. When they are being reattached in surgery, he is asked by the surgeon, "Are you sure you don't want to tell us how this happened?" The doctor doesn't. How would he explain that? "Oh, I was practically raping a girl with my fingers and her vagina bit them off." He was deserving of this too.
Dawn has sex with Ryan (Ashley Springer) and nothing happens. Could she finally have found the right person? Not quite. They have sex again, and, in mid sex, Ryan's phone rings. He answers it. This throws Dawn off. He starts talking with his friend on the other end. "Yeah, I told you I would. I'm having sex with her right now." Dawn asks who it is. Ryan answers and says that he had a bet with his friend whether or not he would have sex with Dawn. Chomp! There goes Ryan's wiener. This is probably the goriest part in the whole movie. Was Ryan deserving of having his wang chomped off by Dawn's monster vagina? You bet your ass.
Dawn finally decides to use this to her advantage. She decides that she is going to have sex with her step brother cause he's wanted to have sex with her for the longest of times. They do the deed and...chomp! There goes his johnson. He stays in his bed, holding his mutilated junk. She stands in front of him, does a little move and his tally whacker falls out of her love tunnel and lands on the floor. His pit bull comes over and eats it up. Talk about giving the dog a bone. lol.
Dawn decides to leave town. She catches a ride with an old man. She falls asleep. The old man pulls into a truck stop. Dawn wakes up and looks over at the old man. He his sticking his tongue in and out at her as if offering her oral sex. Dawn looks at the camera and smiles. And then the movie ends. One can only assume that the old man is gonna get his tongue working and then...chomp!
Now, here is my problem with 'TEETH'. The subject matter with the men getting their willies chomped off by a toothed vagina does not bother me in the slightest. Yes, those scenes made me cringe but that was about it. My problem is that all the men in this movie are portrayed to be vile, disgusting pigs. Am I really suppose to believe that all of these men would be deserving to have their schlongs (etc...) chomped off? 5 men and they're all gonna be rapists and pervs? I highly doubt it.
Perhaps writer and director Mitchell Lichtenstein should make a movie about a man with a spike for a penis and have the girls die once they are penetrated. Let's see how some of us would feel about that. If the girls were portrayed as "rapists and pervs" I'm sure their would be a lot of people who had a problem with the movie.
Shredder (2001)
Shred This...if you want to!
SHREDDER starts off with a great first kill but quickly travels downhill faster than the people do in the movie on their snowboards.
In SHREDDER, a bunch of young twits make their way up to Rocky Summit, a deserted ski area that one of the parents of a aforementioned twit is going to buy. Twit. That's my word of the day.
On their way there, they stop at a gas station. The girls have to use the bathroom. Upon exiting, they notice a guy outside the door who may or may not be who he seems. The girls, being the twits they are, invite him along to join them at the ski lodge. And the guys, being the twits that they are, don't really put up much of a fuss.
When they get to Rocky Summit, it is all chained up and they, the twits, have to break in. Bad choice. They should of just stayed in the car and headed back down the mountain. That way I didn't have to sit through an hour and 20 minutes (give or take) to see where the movie was gonna go. And, like I said, it went downhill.
Seems the mountain is haunted by the ghost of a young girl who was killed when some snowboarders, no doubt twits themselves, ran her off a ski trail while she was skiing. Now someone is going around killing snowboarders who don't know how to follow the rules of skiing/snowboarding. Who could it be? The real question would be, "who cares?"
I will admit that the film does have some funny moments. Like when the one twit gets hung on the ski lift. Everyone seems oblivious to the fact that there is a dead twit who just keeps going around and around on the ski lift. That was humorous.
Kind of sad though that the best two deaths come at the beginning and end of the movie. Although the last death is a bit cheesy. And I found it psychically impossible for the killer to be who the killer was.
All and all, I cannot recommend 'SHREDDER'. It is full of the usual clichés of dumb twits doing the dumb things that they do in horror movies. At one point one of the twits says, "The next time we're being stalked by a serial killer, don't go into the basement." No, but it is okay to wander off by yourself and leave people alone when their is a killer on the loose. Like I said, they are TWITS!!!
While She Was Out (2008)
As a whole I liked it but was put off by the ending.
Kim Basinger stars as Della, a housewife who has twin children (Terri and Tammi-played by Luke Gair and Erika-Shaye Gair) and an abusive jerk for a husband (Kenneth), played by Craig Sheffer.
The movie opens on Christmas Eve. Kenneth is on his way home from work, driving a nice car too I might add. He is on his cellphone arguing with a business partner I would assume. When he gets home, he sees that the floor is a mess with shoes and toys spread all about. This angers him even more and he takes up with his wife, Della, asking her why the house is always a mess. He pins her up against the wall. The twin's watch from the stairs. He punches the wall, leaving a hole in it and walks away. She tends to the children, trying to comfort them. After that is all said in done, she needs to go to the mall to do some last minute shopping and because she is out of wrapping paper. She gets there and the parking lot is full because there is a lot of last minute shoppers there. While she is looking for a parking space, she notices a car taking up two spaces and this irks her. She finally finds a spot to park, makes her way over to the hoggish car and leaves a note under the wiper calling the owner a "selfish jerk". Then she goes in the mall to do her last minute shopping.
When she finally does leave the mall, it is closing and many people have left already. Not the owner of the car she left the note on however and she notices this on the way to her vehicle. She also notices that the note she left under the wiper is no longer there. Odd. When she gets to her vehicle, she gets in to start it up. She notices a car coming up behind her and it blocks her from backing up. She gets out of the car only to be confronted by the owner of the car (Chuckie-played by Lukas Haas) she left the note on and a posse of his thug friends. Yelling ensues and a mall cop (no, not Paul Blart) makes his way over to them to see what the problem is, only to have his brains blown out of his head by Chuckie. While this happens, Della jumps in her vehicle, starts it and drives over the median in front of her. Chuckie and his posse hop in his car and give chase. Della ends up crashing her vehicle into a log pile at a housing development but she is unharmed. She manages to make it to the back of her vehicle, open up the hatchback and grab a toolbox before the thugs get there.
With that, Della spends the rest of the night trying to outrun and out wit the thugs armed with only the tools that she has in her toolbox as weapons. The first kill, in my opinion, is the best. The first kill that Della performs anyway. The last one was probably the weakest and it should of been the best considering that this was the main bad guy she was offing.
I will admit that there will be some that are put off buy the ending and I was let down a bit myself. As a whole though it was a fun flick and moves along nicely at it's 1 hour and 20 minute run time.
Skeleton Man (2004)
Skeleton Man, Oh, Man!!!
SKELETON MAN was okay for the first 5 minutes but as soon as the so-called "Special Force Agents" hit the screen, it went down hill faster than a fat kid on a sled.
The opening makes us think we might have a corny, yet fun, horror flick on our hands but no...the film makers ruin any hope of that when the "Special Force Agents" show up. I wish the screenwriter took a different route and had the "Skeleton Man" chase down some dim witted teenagers until one of them finally gets the upper hand. Instead, the "Skeleton Man" chases down some dim witted "Special Force Agents" and offs them until their Captain finally gets the upper hand.
I know the whole "stalking of dim witted teenagers by a killer" thing as been done before but it would of been more suited for a movie like this.
When the "Skeleton Man" finally does meet his "so called" demise, in a building that blows up, the Captain of the "Special Force Agents" is asked the following by a police officer outside of the building: "What the hell happened in there?" My answer to that question: "Who the hell cares?"
Fade to Black (1980)
Fade To Blah!
FADE TO BLACK stars Dennis Christopher as Eric Binford, a social outcast obsessed with movies. His job involves him delivering movie posters and what not. He is constantly bullied by his peers at works and by his Aunt Stella, who he lives with. Thing is though, his Aunt Stella is really his Mother but she doesn't tell him this.
One night, after Aunt Stella knocks his film projector over, he takes poor Aunt Stella, who is confined to a wheelchair, and pushes her down a flight of stairs. He wants Aunt Stella to be buried next to his favorite actress of all time, Marilyn Monroe. Of course there is no room near Marilyn so he takes the urn full of Aunt Stella's ashes home and uses it as an ashtray. Seems Eric has a smoking habit and, in nearly every scene in the movie, he is puffing away on a cigarette. Seriously, I thought he would die of cancer before the movie was over.
Seems like Eric can't deal with the realities of life and he goes on a murderous rampage dressing up like characters from the films he loves, whether it be Dracula, the Mummy and, yes, even Hoppalong Cassidy. This scene features Mickey Rourke, way before his 'The Wrestler' Oscar nomination, being shot to death by the demented Eric.
I will admit that I did like the concept of the movie, I just thought it could of been executed better. The best death in the movie would have to be the for-mentioned Mickey Rourke death, followed by the death of his former boss, who has a heart attack when Eric scares him to death dressed up like the Mummy. If this was to be remade, it would be nice to see Robert Shaye portray this character and to have Eric dress up like Freddy Krueger, scaring his poor, old boss to death. That would be fun and funny.
Sadly, this movie didn't make me care about the characters and they pretty much got what they deserved. I guess it's a good thing that I bought this as a double-sided DVD and on the other side is HELL NIGHT starring Linda Blair. I know HELL NIGHT is no classic but it sure is better than this.
Fear (1996)
I Thought FEAR Was Fun.
Why I waited so long to watch this is beyond me. After viewing FEAR, I found it to be very well done for what it was.
Reese Witherspoon stars as Nicole Walker, a 16 yr old who who falls in love with David McCall (played by Mark Wahlberg), who seems very charming at first but soon his psychotic side takes form. In one scene in particular he beat's Nicole's male friend up when, upon arriving to pick Nicole up from school, sees him hugging her. That's when Nicole realizes that David is not who she thought he was. After that, she can't decide if she should continue seeing David or not.
Her father (played by William Petersen-of C.S.I.) already knows that he doesn't want his daughter to continue seeing David and he makes this known to him. I thought this scene was well done, though a bit cliché, as David basically turned it all around on Mr. Walker. Then David beats on his own chest to cause it to bruise and then tells Nicole that the bruises were caused by her father. This pretty much starts an all out feud between Mr. Walker and David. The final straw for David and the crew he rolls with is when Mr. Walker goes to their residence and ransacks the place.
Eventually, it all comes to to a satisfying ending as Nicole, her father, brother, mother and her friend Margo Masse (played by Alyssa Milano) are trapped in the Walker house by David and his posse of thugs. I especially liked the ending cause, well, cause I did.
Acting wise, I thought Reese Witherspoon was believable in her role as a young, naive teenager who was looking for acceptance by someone. Mark Wahlberg, although in some scenes I was laughing at his acting, actually comes off quite well as a charming, albeit psychotic, man who will do anything he has to do to have the "one" he wants, even if that means killing her family so they can't get in the way of that from happening. And William Petersen does his job accordingly as the father that will do anything it takes to make sure his baby girl is safe.
The movie has a good look that creates a nice atmosphere for the feel of the movie. I love the songs in the movie, especially by BUSH. The song 'Wild Horses' by Sunday Girls (I'm not 100% positive on that) is used rather, in my opinion "amusingly", in a scene that features Nicole and David on a roller coaster. In this scene David...well, watch it for yourself if you really want to know.
All and all, there are worse ways you could pass an hour and a half. FEAR is no classic but it knows what it wants to do from the get go and, for the most part, succeeds at doing so.
The Wickeds (2005)
No More "HEAD" For Ron Jeremy!!!
No, that is not in reference to Mr. Jeremy's (a.k.a. "The Hedgehog") porn career. In this movie, he gets his head ripped off by a bunch of zombies, hence the no more "head" for Ron Jeremy in the summary. Not funny? Oh well.
Anyway, where do I begin with this movie? Plot? Well, 7 bratty teenagers decide to go to an old farmhouse that is being used as the set for a low budget horror movie. On the way to the farmhouse, the teenager driving the vehicle they are all in (Richard-and I only remember his name cause, well, cause that's my name) decides to play chicken with an oncoming pick-up truck. They head toward each other and the truck swerves and pulls into a cemetery. Inside this truck are 2 grave robber's, one being played by the for-mentioned Ron Jeremy. He is there digging up a grave and looking for an amulet that his worth more than you could imagine. Only thing is, when he does get the amulet, the dead start coming back to life. Soon, Ron and his grave robbing buddy head toward the farmhouse and the zombies give chase. Well, if you want to say "chase". How the grave-robbers and the teenagers seem to have trouble out running the zombies is beyond me. So, needless to say, blood is shed and nearly everyone is killed besides...well, watch it if you want to know. Though I don't advise you to watch it. Not even sure why I did.
The acting? The only plus for more was actually the acting of Ron Jeremy. I don't think his performance here was on par as the one he gave in 'HOUSEWIFE FROM HELL' but, being he's a porn star, what more could I expect? Some okay stuff was done with the budget they had. I liked the ghost effect of the ghost coming down the stairs and I liked it when one of the zombie girls got her head smashed in with a shovel but that's about it.
One more thing. Whoever edited this movie needs to find a career doing something else cause your editing was complete crap. MAIN EXAMPLE: Guy and girl are about to have sex in bedroom. Guy has pants on. Switch to shot of the girl from the front and the guy is sitting behind her with his legs to her side, clearly he is not wearing pants. Cut to other things going on in and around the house. Cut back to sex scene. Guy has pants back on, than off, than on. PATHETIC!!!
The Happening (2008)
THE BAD ACT-ENING (thank you very much)
THE HAPPENING, the newest offering from writer/director M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN, starring MARK WAHLBERG and ZOOEY DESCHANEL, was a disappointment to me mainly for the acting which is downright horrendous. Thank you very much.
MARK WAHLBERG, who stars as Elliot Moore, turns in a childish act that really ruins a lot of the movie. He portrays a Science teacher in this movie but you're constantly thinking to yourself that he should of been one of his students. Come on Mark, you can do better and you have. Films such as BOOGIE NIGHTS and THE DEPARTED proved that. How am I suppose to take you seriously as a Science teacher and as a person trying to lead others to safety when your demeanor is so childlike? I think I'd rather take help from a blind man than you. Thank you very much.
ZOOEY DESCHANEL portrays MARK's wife Alma Moore and she seems so wide-eyed and dumbfounded in this movie that her performance is just plain dumb. She look's like she's lost in her own little world, not aware of the other actors/actresses around her. If I was the little girl (Jess)(portrayed by ASHLYN SANCHEZ) in this movie, I wouldn't of been sticking by her side. The first time she turned her back to me, I'd be taking off and running away from her as fast as I could. Thank you very much.
This movie could of been something, I think anyway, that could of been better if the acting wasn't so shoddy. BETTY BUCKLEY is nice as Mrs. Jones and JOHN LEGUIZAMO is okay as Julian but that is about it. Thank you very much.
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN seems to be in a slump lately. Who knows? Maybe someday he will actually do another movie on par with THE SIXTH SENSE or SIGNS but this isn't it. Thank you very much.
The movie has a nice, creepy premise but I won't get into details here. Wouldn't want to ruin it for those who plan on watching it. Besides, you can easily read the full synopsis on THE HAPPENING IMDb title page. Thank you very much.
Creepy premise aside, and a nice opening, the movie goes down hill with the introduction of MARK WAHLBERG and even further down hill when ZOOEY DASCHANEL's lovely mug hits the screen. Thank you very much.
Shoot 'Em Up (2007)
Well...it does have a sense of "fun" to it.
Having seen MONSTER MAN and 100 GIRLS, I can say those two movies from writer/director Michael Davis are better than SHOOT 'EM UP. Not that SHOOT 'EM UP is bad. I did give it a 6 out of 10, but some of the corny one-liners just ruined a lot of the fun for me. I know this movie was suppose to be a comedy with a lot of over-the-top violence thrown in but I just got thrown off at some points. Some examples of the one-liners.
SMITH (After sticking a carrot in a bad guys mouth and ramming it through the back of his head, killing him): "Eat your vegetables." SMITH (After using a decapitated hand to fire a gun that will only fire when the owners thumbprint is used): "Nice hand job" SMITH (After he finishes killing the bad guys that were firing at him while he was having sex with DONNA): "Talk about shooting your load." HERTZ (While walking up a stairwell and seeing a dead girl there with her breasts exposed): "Nice knockers."
Well, that was some of the cheesy one-liners. Some of them really killed the movie for me. Also, it seems like Mr. Davis has a fixation with breast feeding as it is shown 3 times in this movie.
After all that, I will say this movie as a sense of fun to it. I really liked the shoot out in the air while skydiving. That was fun. So, I say give-it-a-go. The movie only runs about 1hr 20mins and there are worse ways you could pass your time. Later.
The Rage (2007)
Wow, what to write?
My roommate came home last night and said they had a movie for me that I might want to watch. They handed me the DVD and the cover alone made it look like something I could get into. The back seemed to verify it. Well, it turned up that I really wasn't that into yet I had to keep watching it. Why? I'm not really sure. Maybe to see what they would do next or just how bad the friggin' acting is.
The gore, there is plenty, is OK. There is some very crappy CGI. I do mean "crappy" as in one part of the film, a mutated person literally has a pipe rammed up their arse and CGI "crap" oozes out of the pipe.
The vultures in this movie could be terrifying if they actually looked, well, terrifying. Instead, the CGI does nothing for them. And the friggin' puppets of the Vultures, well, I don't even want to get started on them.
If you ever wanted to see a mutated person beat a kid to death with a stick, than this is the one for you. This scene made me say "wow". "Wow" in a "that's so stupid" kind of way. It could of been done better.
The acting, like I've mentioned before, is really bad. I mean really, really bad. It almost seems like they just plucked these people off the streets and asked them if they wanted to be in a movie. That may work for some, but it sure did fail here. Jesus, I was repeating their lines and saying them a hell of a lot better!!! Perhaps if this movie had a better tweaked story, better friggin' actors, and a bigger budget it could of been a nice splatter film. Instead, we get dished up this crapfest!!!
Saw IV (2007)
Wow!!! The 2nd best of the franchise!!!
You know, upon first view of SAW IV, I honestly thought that SAW III was better. SAW II to me was good but it just couldn't live up to SAW. I thought SAW III did that rather nicely but SAW IV pulls it off well above the other 2 sequels.
Of course this time around, Jigsaw and his apprentice Amanda are dead. This movie plays with and around that element in a very fun fashion. I enjoyed the majority of the traps in this movie although a couple were to similar.
I especially enjoy the way in which Donnie Wahlberg's character meets his demise. I also like they way the script builds more onto why Jigsaw became the way he did. More of what provoked him to become that way.
This script doesn't have any of the original writers name on it and it doesn't need too. This movie is the second best of the SAW series, enough said!!!
The Marine (2006)
Hey...you!!!, Yeah, THE MARINE, shoot me please!?
Wow. To say this movie sucked would be an understatement. Hell, I wouldn't lay on a bed of nails, I'd run it across it if it meant I never had to see this crap gracing a screen in front of me again.
John Cena stars as John Triton, a marine who is home on discharge. When his wife Kate (Kelly Carlson) is snatched by some diamond thieves, he must hunt them in the wilderness of South Carolina to get his wife back, and take out the main baddie, Rome (Robert Patrick). Perhaps he should of just let them take her and went home. That way the movie could of ended all the more faster and I wouldn't of sat there, watching in disbelief this not awesomely bad garbage. I say "not awesomely bad" because "awesomely bad" is a good thing. This doesn't even fall into that category. It would be awesome if every copy of this movie were to somehow end up in the middle of a highway, anywhere in the U.S. mind you, and be ran over by every friggin' 18-Wheeler in the United States!!!
Don't get me wrong, I like Cena. He does have a certain charisma about him. But this movie has no charisma. Bottom of the barrel garbage at best. Spend you money on something else. Hell, don't even watch it for free!!!
Accepted (2006)
Stupid, silly fun!!!
So, I borrowed ACCEPTED from a friend of mine, bought it home and popped it in the good old' DVD player. In it, Bartleby Gaines (Justin Long) gets the smack-down from all the colleges he applies to, so he decides to make a college of his own. He enlist the help of his friends Sherman Schrader, Glen, Hands & Rory to help him find a place (a old psychiatric hospital), clean it up and pass it off as a college to their unsuspecting parents. He also has Sherman design a fake website for the college, but the site doesn't seem to be fake enough cause soon different people are showing up, all having been accepted to this fake college. I should mention that they name the fake Uni the 'South Harmon Instutute of Technology'. With the initials being S.H.I.T., they call themselves S.H.I.T.-Heads. Obviously, there scheme doesn't go unnoticed forever and soon they must stand up for their actions. I will stop right there. This movie isn't the funniest one you're likely to see but, if you want to pass an hour and a half, there are worst ways to do it. Later.
The Virgin Suicides (1999)
I wasted an hour and a half of my life!!!
I can't believe it, that I actually sat through this crappy film, constantly hitting display on the good ol' DVD remote to see how much longer was left. And, while the movie only runs 97 minutes (including credits), it sure felt like an eternity!!! Hanna Hall plays Cecilia Lisbon, the youngest of the five Lisbon daughters, and is the first to off herself, even though it takes a second attempt before she succeeds, mind you. At first she tries in the tub with a razor, but that doesn't work. She goes to see a shrink (Danny Devito) who tells her parents (James Woods and Kathleen Turner, who seems to be lost in this role) that he thinks Cecilia just did it for attention. The parents decide to have a little get together for the girls in their basement and invite some of the neighborhood boys over. Cecilia doesn't seem like she is having fun so she excuses herself and makes her way upstairs. A little while later, a noise is heard and Mrs. Lisbon (Kathleen Turner) and the rest of her daughters and the boys make their way upstairs and out the front door, where Mr. Lisbon (James Woods) is holding Cecilia, who is draped over a fence, the spike in her back. She jumped out of the bedroom window and succeeded in offing herself this time. I found the acting by Kathleen Turner in this part to be just down right pathetic.
Kirsten Dunst plays Lux Lisbon, the second oldest of the Lisbon daughters. After she goes to the homecoming dance with Trip Fontaine (Josh Hartnett) and doesn't arrive home until early morning in a cab, Mr and Mrs, Lisbon pull the rest of their daughters out of school and keep them confined in their house. I guess you can say the girls go mad after awhile. After Morse coding the neighborhood boys across the street, they go over the Lisbon household where Lux is in the living room, smoking a cigarette. She opens the door and tells them the other girls are upstairs and that she will go out to her parents station wagon and wait for them, they plan on going for a ride to get out of the house. But they don't. The boys go down to the basement and one of the girls is there, hanging. Another one over-dosed on sleeping pills, the other one, well...I don't remember and poor little Lux is in the garage, door shut, engine running on the wagon, dead as can be.
Well, la-di-friggin-da. Am I suppose to believe that this is the only means for the Lisbon girls to rebel against their parents? That all 5 of them would choose to end their lives? When you let your daughter go to the dance with someone with a name like Trip Fontaine, you're only asking for trouble. Lux was constantly screwing around with a new guy every night on the roof of her house, as we see all to well from the neighborhood boys scoping her out from the bedroom of one of them with a telescope. Why didn't one of them, LUX, just take off and go somewhere? Maybe it would of made their parents see that, no matter what is going on in the outside world, you can't keep your children confined forever. If Lux can screw around on a rooftop than certainly she can rebel enough to run away somewhere. None of these girls where shackled up, locked in their room. There were no bars on the windows!!! Needless to say, I hated this movie. It left me feeling emptier than a bolemics stomach.
Barnyard (2006)
BARNYARD is fun but they could of done without some of the jokes!!!
BARNYARD is a neat, stylishly animated movie that just could of done without some of the jokes.
OTIS and his friends love to have a good time. Whether it be surfing down and hill on a surfboard with an ice block tied to it or waiting to the farmer hits the hay and then partying in the barn. OTIS'S father, BEN, wants OTIS to learn how to take responsibility but OTIS is not ready for this. Then, one night after a tussle with some vicious coyotes, BEN dies and OTIS is upset by his loss. Naturally, the other farm animals need someone to take over the reigns from BEN and protect them from the coyotes, so they elect OTIS. After coming into contact with the coyotes one night, OTIS decides he can't protect anybody from them, much less himself, so he decides to leave the farm. That is until the coyotes come and take some of the chickens and little Maddy the chick. OTIS decides he must go save them and show the coyotes he is not afraid to stick up for himself and his friends.
I will end that right there. I enjoyed this movie and I really liked the scenes involving the coyotes, I think they were very well done. My only problem with this movie is some of the jokes. The one where the farmer discovers the animals partying in the barn only to get kicked in the head by Miles the Mule 3 times is not needed. I was not laughing at this part. Or at the comment the policeman makes to the guy filming in his patrol car, COPS style, as he is chasing after OTIS and the Jersey cows. But, those aside, I think you will enjoy it none-the-less. Later.
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Fun...but I didn't have to watch it on the big screen!!!
THE SIMPSONS MOVIE is a fun movie but nothing, I feel anyway, that has to be seen on the big screen. I could just of easily waited for it to come out on DVD and enjoyed it just the same.
Leave it to that lovable oaf, Homer, to mess things up in Springfield (It's location you may be asking? Well, you ain't gonna find out in this movie and they make a joke that has to do with this). Homer disposes of a silo, full of pig crap, into a lake which causes life in it to mutate. In comes the EPA to put a giant dome over Springfield to make sure nothing escapes from Springfield to cause a widespread epidemic. Of course, when the townsfolk discover that Homer was the cause of this, they aren't to happy. They head toward the Simpson residence, torches a blazing. The Simpsons escape the town, via a sinkhole, and make their way to Alaska, where they hide out for awhile. When Marge sees on TV that they (the EPA) now plan on blowing Springfield to smithereens, she wants to go back and stop it from happening, but Homer will have nothing of it. Why should he go back and help a town where the people wanted to off him and his family? So, needless to say, Marge takes the kids and heads back herself. Of course, Homer realizes, with the help of and old woman, that he must go back and help his family and his town.
I suppose they do put things in this film that they couldn't of got away with on network television, Homer flipping people off, A few swears here and there and, probably the most "thing" of all, Bart Simpson's genitalia. Yep. I wrote it. In a scene that recalls stuff they did in the Austin Power's movies, the filmmakers strategically place stuff in front of a nude Bart as he skateboards through Springfield, on a dare from Homer mind you. Only thing is, Bart skateboards behind a shrub, leaving his top half covered and his bottom half exposed. Funny? Yes. Something I had to see on the big screen? No.
Dead Silence (2007)
Dead Silence Ain't No SAW But It's Damn Fun!!!
What would you do if you were at home with your wife and somebody left a mysterious package outside your door? Probably not what the people do in this movie but that's what makes it so damn fun and exceptionally creepy.
Jamie Ashen (RYAN KWANTEN) and his wife, Lisa (LAURA REGAN) are home one evening when a package is left outside their door. Jamie brings it in to open it only to find, inside, a ventriloquist dummy. A little while later, Jamie leaves to go get some Chinese and, when he returns, he finds his wife dead in their bed, her tongue ripped out at the seam. Of course Jamie is bought down to the police station and is questioned by Det. Jim Lipton (DONNIE WAHLBERG-No Mark but he sure is fun to watch in this role). He lets Jamie go and Jamie returns to his home where he proceeds to search the box that the dummy came in only to find, behind some red felt, a picture of the dummy (who's name is Billy by the way) and his owner, Mary Shaw. He also see's that they performed in the town of Raven's Fair (his home town)so he grabs the dummy and makes a trip back to Raven's Fair to see if he can solve his wife's murder and discover just what in the hell Mary Shaw (who's was murdered many years before) has to do with his wife's murder.
I will stop right there with that and just say that I was pleasantly surprised by this offering from James Wan and Leigh Whannell, the team that bought us SAW, with James being director and Leigh being the writer. It's no SAW but, other than it's twist ending, it's not really on the same plain as SAW. This is a ghost story, not a movie that relies on blood (though there is some) to rattle your nerves. And, yes, there definitely are plenty of clichés in this movie. You will find yourself asking "why in the hell are they doing that" on a few occasions but so what? This movie is a lot better than a lot of the crap that Hollywood has been trying to pass off to us as "horror" for quite some time now. Well, I've said enough about that.
Reeker (2005)
Something stinks in a certain good kind of way.
REEKER had the chance to become something more than a horror movie with a twist ending but falls a little short. Five people, on there way to Area 52, become stranded outside a diner/motel. The thing is, they were all ready at this place before, yet they had to return cause the girl (name not important) doesn't want a certain guy in her vehicle anymore (watch, if you want, to find out why). When they get back to the place, something happens (has to do with gas) to the car which causes them to all have to stay there. They go into the diner only to find it empty unlike the first time they were there. Strange. They decide to stay there for the night and then people start getting killed by the REEKER one by one. I will admit, I actually (unlike some reviewers) liked the concept of the REEKER. I just wish they could of wrote a better script for this movie monster who, in my opinion, is actually quite scary. The opening, I'll agree with the other reviewers, is the best part of the movie. The ending will surprise some (it did me) but all in all, the REEKER stinks of a sort of been there, done that odor. Still, I say watch it if you get a chance. It's certainly not the best of the genre but it's not the worse either.
Employee of the Month (2006)
I Like It!!!
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH is a breezy, romantic work comedy that 'works' because the characters are just so likable. Seriously, either it was just my laziness to remove this from my VCR (that's right, VCR) and watching about 10 times in 2 weeks (cable's out) that made it stick to me or I just really like it. Oh wait... I do like it!!! I guess that's why it says that in the summary. Not much of a plot. Boy sees girl, boys likes girl, boy tries his damnedest to get girl even if it means hurting people along the way. I will admit that when I saw the preview for this, I wasn't exactly thrilled. DANE COOK, JESSICA SIMPSON, DAX SHEPARD = BIG WHOOP!!! But I was pleasantly surprised when I actually did watch it. DAX SHEPARD (Vince) is funny in this movie and I was surprised how he got to one up DANE COOK'S character (Zack) in a few scenes. The scene where Zack returns Vince his wallet and says "I found this near the herpes medicine." to which Vince reply's "Yeah, I was probably shopping for you Christmas present." is one of the scenes I am referring to. And, despite Jessica Simpson's flaws, her and Dane Cook seem to have a genuine chemistry with each other. Take, for example, the part in the movie in which Jessica Simpson's character (Amy) first shows up and Zack goes over to her and talks to her and then Vince shows up to ruin the fun. Just the looks on her face when she looks at DANE makes you wonder if she was "smitten" with him while they were filming this movie. I know that they were rumored to be seeing each other. Anyway, if you want some serious, thought provoking comedy, watch something else. However, if you want some light weight fluff comedy, watch this.
Rest Stop (2006)
Don't stop at this Rest Stop!!!
A boyfriend and girlfriend (Jess & Nicole) are traveling, via Chrysler Lebaron, to good ol' California. On the way, they pull over for some much needed S&R (sex & relaxation). Little do they know that some sick, demented perv in a Ford pick-up truck is watching them. Soon, they are on their way and Nicole needs to use the john so they find a Rest Stop (hence the title) so she can relieve herself. After looking at this bathroom, I think I would of rather let loose on the side of the road, be it #1 or #2. After doing her business, Nicole emerges from the bathroom only to find that her boyfriend is gone. The Lebaron nowhere to be seen. Only a Winnebago (?) remains. Inside, an odd family dwells. I mention that cause they are in the movie (maybe about 5-10 minutes total) but they probably could of just been in their own movie. What purpose they serve here is beyond me. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Nicole gets stalked by this creep in the truck and a whole bunch of stuff happens. Joey Lawrence shows up as a State Trooper (Officer Michael Deacon) only to get mowed down by the guy in the truck. Nicole drags him into the bathroom where they talk for awhile. The whole time you wonder when she's going to take his gun and use it on the creep. That happens about 20 minutes later when he finally tells her to take the gun, which you think she would of just done in the 1st place. Not that she uses the gun on the creepy, sadistic pig anyway as she uses to shoot the Officer in the head a couple of times cause he doesn't want to burn to death. Oh yeah, the freaky guy is going to burn them alive inside the crap house. That scene is a little over the top. I like it when the creep bites the girl's finger off and, despite what some comments say, I think it had a decent amount of gore. I give this movie a 6, a little over the midway point. As stupid as the movie was (plot holes aplenty that I won't go into here) I have to say that was something I enjoyed about it at least a little bit.
The Gravedancers (2006)
It's like a bad supernatural Lifetime movie only better.
That summary pretty much explains how I feel about THE GRAVEDANCERS, one of the so-called 8 FILMS TO DIE FOR. Three friends meet for the funeral of one of their friends. All goes well until they enter the cemetery late at night and get a little tipsy. One of the friends finds an envelope with a incantation (?) in it and they all decide to repeat what is written down on the paper and dance around on graves. BIG MISTAKE!!! It seems they have danced around on the graves of 3 people in a part of the cemetery where all the undesirables are buried and now they have awaken their spirits and p*ssed them off.
THE GRAVEDANCERS is a low budget ghost story with some pretty decent make-up/special FX for the budget it does have. I love how the make the ghost look. The ghost of the abusive judge is actually quite scary and nothing I would want to run into anytime soon.
With that said, the movie takes awhile to get where it's going but I just had to watch it all the way through. Later.
Brokeback Mountain (2005)
These Marlboro Men Smoke More Than Just Cigarettes!!!
Well, after waiting awhile to watch this film, I finally have. Was it good? Yes. Was it great? No. Jack Twist and Ennis Del Mar meet one year (1963) and herd sheep together. One thing leads to another and next thing you know, Jack is taking it from the back by Ennis. Why? I don't know. Nothing leading up to this moment indicated to me that they would be playing "Rump Rangers" any time soon. Oh well. That aside, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN does pound (no pun intended) home it's point about forbidden love for it's era. Though it's still not widely accepted now, it is more so than yesteryear. When Jack dies, it is powerful stuff. JAKE GYLENHAAL(?) does a good job as Jack Twist, the man who just can't "quit" Ennis, played by the equally good HEATH LEDGER. But the real wonder in this movie is MICHELLE WILLIAMS, absolutely wonderful as Ennis Del Mar's wife. After she see's Jack and Ennis kissing, her performance is truly stuff to rant about.