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The Gentlemen (2024)
1/10
the 12 labours of posh dufus criminal Hercules
21 April 2024
This is the kind of show where you feel a little of your soul dying with every episode. Listening to the dialogue is like being staked out on a termite mound - especially the girl, Susie Glass. She gets all the most excruciatingly awful lines, though I suspect that Guy Ritchie thinks he is giving her the best ones. He has no idea how real people talk, or live, what their frame of reference is, or anything. This is a wet dream come true for him, combining his bit-of-rough fantasies of cockernee criminal life with his own posh, entitled world.

So why are we all watching it? It's very simple: THERE'S NOTHING ELSE BLOODY WELL ON!
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Asteroid City (2023)
7/10
Space Odyssey without leaving Earth
15 April 2024
For three decades Wes Anderson has been making films that are interesting, unusual, but in the end unsatisfying. Nearly always you come away thinking, 'Okay, but what did it actually amount to? What was it all about?'

I feel like this one has, for me, crystallised what he is all about - as far as that goes. Two things, 1: the search of the talented oddball for their place in the world, 2: the search for meaning in a world apparently without meaning. I think all of his films relate to those themes. This is perhaps his most definitive statement to date - and yet the thing is, it's so indefinite. 'It's about the Infinite, or something', Edward Norton says at one point. And that is as good an answer as we're likely to get from Anderson: 'about the Infinite, or something'. He's the movie-world avatar of the doubt-stricken state that most thoughtful, sensitive people are in these days.

The asteroid is like the mysterious black monolith in 2001, and the film hints that Anderson is a communicant of the Church of the Loony Aliens, which is disappointing - this common but ludicrous idea that Space and Aliens can be a substitute for religious belief. Except that even this idea is offered so diffidently and ironically, and we are further distanced from it by the film's meta-layer about its own production.

The plus side is that Anderson does at least understand the need for Meaning. Here he is ahead of almost all his peers in popular film-making, and also senior supposed greats like Tarantino, Ridley Scott and Scorsese. But can greatness ever come only from doubts and questions? It can not. The great have the insight and courage to attempt an answer. This is why his best film, my favourite film of the C21st, is Fantastic Mr Fox: it does have a positive message.

What Anderson needs to realise, as a director and as a person, is that actually you don't *find* meaning, lying about in a crater or whatever. You have to *create* it.

Still, nobody does doubt better, and nobody else can assemble a cast like this and have them content to play equal-shares ensemble roles. It looks beautiful, is brilliantly played, funny, quirky and endearing - all the usual Anderson stuff. My favourites are the three young daughters, actually. With their defiant energy, and their instinctive understanding that their Mum is still part of their lives, they cut fiercely against the general grain of lassitude.
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Tenet (2020)
1/10
stop the world, I wanna get off
28 March 2024
Well, I really did feel like I was getting an insight into the true nature of reality when I watched this. I felt I was witnessing the actual process of modern civilisation disappearing up its own back passage, in its desperate and futile pursuit of scientific trickery and fake intrigue that it imagines will somehow give meaning to our lives.

Essentially the idea of this is very simple, and very stupid: the future making war on the present. But because it is so simple, and so stupid, in the development Christopher Nolan has convoluted it to a quite ludicrous degree - think Red Dwarf on speed, on a really bad day. But, although difficult to follow, this is fake intellectualism: the ideas just don't make sense.

Worse than that - and the unforgivable sin for an action film - is that they undercut the action itself. Whilst a backward action scene is an interesting curiosity, in much the same way as a backwards guitar solo was in the 1960s, by the time you get to the climactic battle the backwards-ness makes a complete nonsense of it. And all the action bits, in both this and Inception (which is similar, although not quite as bad), cut off their own noses in much the same way.

Christopher Nolan is technically accomplished. He thinks he has ideas - but they don't hold water. He has no real feel for storytelling. And, most importantly, he, or at least his films, have no soul. They are depressing.
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Napoleon (2023)
5/10
sacre bleu!
28 March 2024
It's not a surprise that Ridley Scott has here produced a film that looks great, and in which the action (as far as it goes) is well staged. Neither is it a surprise, sadly, that it has a rather underfed story hardly capable of carrying all the spectacle; or that it seems as if it was written by someone who is not a native English speaker and who knows nothing whatsoever about the subject. Certainly the script is full of bad grammar and ridiculous solecisms, particularly in the battles ('Prepare to receive cavalry'? 'Charge bayonets'? 'Renounce'?!). Unfortunately Scott does not seem to think that these things matter, and so - as is often the case - his visual flair is largely wasted.

It is something of a surprise, though, that the performances by Joaquin Phoenix and Vanessa Kirby are not more compelling (maybe they were hobbled by the terrible script!); and it is surprising that the whole thing, long as it is, feels cursory and rushed.

The French (quelle surprise!) didn't like how they come across in it; but I think we Brits also have grounds for a shortage of gruntle, in not being given our full share of credit for the man's downfall. Trafalgar - ultimately the decisive battle of the Napoleonic Wars, as the Battle of Britain was the decisive point in WWII - is not mentioned; likewise the Peninsular War (the real Napoleon could not possibly have thought that the British couldn't fight on land); and, whilst yes it was a coalition that defeated him at Waterloo, it was the British who did most of the actual fighting. And that's not to mention the economic and diplomatic side of the wars. But the lack of reference to these things reflects an overall approach where events are not so much told as assumed: a series of tableaux which the viewer seems expected to connect for himself. Not the story of Napoleon, but somebody's fitful dream of him.
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A.D. (1985)
3/10
Bladdy Romans!
25 March 2024
This seems like it was conceived as a mash-up of Jesus of Nazareth and I, Claudius. The problem is that the two stories, that of Imperial Rome and that of the early Church, although they were historically simultaneous, really have nothing to do with one another. Each is a distraction from the other, attempts to link them are contrived, and it is impossible to hit a tone that is right for both: it has neither the X-rated intelligence of the one, nor the intense (albeit conventional) piety of the other.

Actually, even more than either, it is like a reverse spoof of Monty Python's Life of Brian: that is, as if instead of the usual procedure of seeing a 'straight' film and turning it into a spoof, they watched a comedy and have tried to turn it serious (very serious!). Many shots and scenes, particularly early on, are incredibly reminiscent of the famous Gospel parody, so that you're expecting to hear 'Alms for an ex-leper!' or whatever.

Though the cast and production values are good, it is slow and stodgy. And poor old James Mason, getting blown about by the wind on top of Capri (or wherever it really is): is that what finished him off?
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Pig (I) (2021)
6/10
one of his bearded roles
22 March 2024
It would be easy just to say that the pig is a better actor than Cage, but that would be a cheap shot, and besides wouldn't fulfil the minimum character requirement. But just because he has a beard and, instead of chewing the scenery as in his younger days, mumbles and hangs his head, that doesn't make it great or subtle acting. It's really just another form of hamminess - no offence to the pig which, as I say, is not a bad actor.

Nevertheless this Odyssey of Middle Age/ Meditation on Where the Time Went has its moments, and the end is quite moving. To mind, though, all the cheffy, fancy restaurant malarkey sorts ill with the rest of it.
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3/10
One of the worst versions
18 March 2024
Here they've taken a witty, intriguing and far-out book, and a good cast, and created a film that just sinks under the leaden weight of its own storyless grandiosity, with its huge CGI set pieces and heard-it-all-so many-times-before themes (it's true, the book didn't have much of a story either, but it had the wit and intrigue). The only slight saving grace is an entertaining performance by Helena Bonham Carter and her big head - who, with her long name, has also helped me out with IMDB's unnecessarily long character count. Still not quite there though...keep going...keep going...keep going...keep goimg...aah!
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Censor (2021)
5/10
I think it's trying to be Don't Look Now - but it ain't...
8 March 2024
It's a bit of an odd one when you , as writer/director, create a film set in a period which you are not old enough to remember but which many of those who view it will. Prano Bailey Bond (who is described as 'from Wales', but clearly not Welsh) doesn't reveal her age on IMDB or Wikipedia, but I'm only just old enough to remember 'video nasties' being in the news, and I'm pretty sure she's younger than me. I don't know what makes her such an expert on moral attitudes of the 80s, but aspects of pop culture do encourage and enable violence - even as I write there is a machete killing in the news, inspired by Drill 'music' - and to deny it is as naive as to deny that the easy availability of guns multiplies the murder rate.

What Bailey-Bond does know about, apparently, is clunky dialogue and a heavy-handed political message, in a film that is packed with cliches and eventually disappears up its own metativity. It has visual style, though - a sort of Airstrip One, Tinker Tailor, Cold War vibe - and an effective sense of creeping dread. It needed a more coherent story, and to keep the politics out.

And by the way - British people in the early 80s didn't have answering machines. Well, maybe the Queen - nobody else.
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7/10
ridiculous to complain that Shakespeare plays were written by Shakespeare!
4 March 2024
How dumb do you have to be to watch a Shakespeare film and then complain, like certain reviews here, that it has Shakespeare's dialogue? What did you expect? Apart from anything else, the dialogue - the poetry of the greatest-ever writer of English - is the whole point. Without that, you have only a highly improbable story made up of contrived situations connected together only tenuously. With it - if it is well performed - a golden, magical glow of love and wit. If you don't understand it, rather than expecting it to be dumbed down to your level you should be prepared to put a bit of work in, read the play over slowly and puzzle it out - or else just admit that it is over your head. But don't blame the play for your own deficiencies.

I'm not fond, though, of the modern fashion for productions with apparently random, irrelevant concepts - in this case old-time Japan - to which Branners adds by his insistence on casting American stars who (inevitably) can't really handle the dialogue.
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Father Stu (2022)
7/10
the Funky Bunch would be proud
3 March 2024
I'm Catholic and I love that Marky Mark made this, and did such a quality job. I don't think it really enriched my faith or anything, and nor do I believe it will get through the force-fields of many non-believers. But it's relateable, engaging, pretty funny, and moving at times; and at least it's given us a film where, as in real life, Christians are normal people, not zealots or Nazis - it's just that they're people who see the meaning of their lives coming from faith.

I once said on IMDB that Hollywood couldn't do religious films - pietistic ones yes, but not films with authentic spiritual content. This one has proved me wrong, and it's because it is real and doesn't try to hit you over the head with its holiness. If I was looking to be critical, it would be better if it were a little shorter; and it's true that there a few moments, not just one, where it is not quite an accurate reflection of Catholic practice - eg, apart from the incorrect liturgy, we don't usually hold hands to say grace or say 'alleluia!' when we agree with something. Either the writer / director is not herself a Catholic, or she wanted to reassure the audience by making the whole thing look a little more like mainstream American Bible-Christianity.

The soundtrack of country, blues and Gospel is pretty good, too. A strong 7, edging up towards 8.
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6/10
tell us something we don't know
28 February 2024
Of course, C4 can never just show something trashy for entertainment, so this is therefore an 'experiment' supposedly showing how the dynamics of a jury work. Yet it is in two respects completely unrealistic. First, the juries were obviously not selected randomly but in accordance with 'BBC diversity'. Actually the white blokes included are middle-aged white van men, and the whole thing seems set up as a deliberate microcosm of the culture wars. And second, they may reproduce the words spoken in the real-life trial, but what they can't reproduce (of course) is the general impression made by the witnesses - and, as the jurors' comments make clear, *that is what they mainly go by*. Did the real defendant have such mother-me eyes? Did he burst into tears quite so much? We don't know. Yer man gives it his all, though, I must say that.

Indeed it is clear that most people made up their minds pretty early on, and did this according to their existing prejudices. Two eps in, we haven't really seen any discussion, as such, at all; those who hold minority views are keeping quiet. Almost nothing that anybody has said - and least of all the barristers who are paid so much to present a case - has actually had any bearing on how it should be judged. Any fictional defence lawyer, Saul Goodman or Kim Wexler say, would rapidly have made mincemeat of the prosecution's feeble efforts. So if the show proves one thing, it is that people don't decide things on reason. But we already knew that...

Curiously, and in contrast to TV whodunnits, there has been very little focus on the actual MO of the killing. Yet this seems of crucial importance. The guy, having already strangled the woman, and not sure if she is already dead, then finishes her off with a big club hammer that happens to be handy. Why reach for that at all, if the strangling was just 'loss of control'? And okay, he's a sort of blacksmith, but what is the hammer doing on the kitchen table? Nobody in the juries has spotted this anomaly. I suspect him of a pre-meditation that would invalidate the 'loss of control' defence - for whatever that was ever worth.

ETA: no change in the last ep, in which the juries had to decide their verdicts: every single person went by their general impression of the guy and the case, as seen through the lens of their own previous experiences; not by the specific facts of the killing which were the only things relevant. Added to that, we saw those with minority views in both juries cave in fairly rapidly to the social pressure to agree with the others, in spite of having been apparently adamant in their original opinions. One or two of these seemed to feel they'd been cheated, when they realised there was another jury that had returned the contrary verdict and that therefore their own previous views were defensible. But they had no-one to blame but themselves and their lack of backbone.

All in all it was pretty depressing, whether considered as illustrating how the jury system works or its wider implications about how beliefs form and spread in society. Interesting, but not exactly fun.
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Griselda (2024)
6/10
norkos
24 February 2024
A sort-of spin-off of Narcos, this somehow doesn't have the same pace or intrigue. Yes, Sophia Vergara - looking very, very different from when I last saw her - turns in a committed performance; but Griselda isn't as appealing a character as Escobar, who at least enjoyed his ill-gotten gains, importing hippos and stuff. In fact she's a bit of a drag. They lean quite heavily on the fact that she's a lady, as if that makes the things she does not only understandable but laudable, and almost as if that in itself gives sufficient interest to the show (and of course her opposite number in the police has to be a lady too). Also, it's key with this type of show that you have to throw the viewer a bone sometimes, give them the catharsis of a good ol' gun battle; but this keeps the violence largely out of sight. Much cheaper that way.
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6/10
essentially quite a conventional detective story
22 February 2024
Weirdly this seems to exist in the world of the 'gumshoe' films of the 1940s, where private detectives have an office, and a secretary, and clients come and sit waiting for them for hours instead of just sending an email or Zooming them. You're half-expecting trilby hats, matchbooks with phone numbers written on them, and for the main character to say 'schweetheart'. And yet the old-fashioned ambience is periodically deflated by some knowing gag; as when the guy thinks he is being followed but, on confronting them, it turns out that it's his parents who are just worried about him.

Quirky, intelligent, but too sad for a comedy and too amusing for a thriller, it's pretty typical American indie film. Okay, Canadian.
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5/10
not with a bang, but a whimper
18 February 2024
You can see a mile off that this was made with Italian film grants: it's set in this fantasy Italy, superbly picturesque, in which everything is relaxed and everybody is super-nice and nurturing - except the bad guys, of course. You know, everything that kinda reminds you of what really matters in life. Just the place for your next hols. Less understandably, since there is no obvious link to Australia, it got Australian money too (presumably they had some Australian crew).

Like Liam Neasden with his 'certain set of skills', Denzel Washington has established his action persona with a success that would have seemed unlikely earlier in his career; but here he only gets a few fun moments with it, and the finale is decidedly underwhelming. I was convinced there must be another scene to come, but no. Compared to the other two it lacks impact. If, as he says, he is happy for this to be the last of the series, it suggests that he doesn't take its legacy terribly seriously.

On the plus side, it's a welcome surprise to see Catholic imagery play so big a part in a film, positively, without any sense of irony or any attempt to exploit it sensationally. I'm only a little disappointed that we didn't at some point get to see McColl reading the Summa Theologiae in Latin or something. He's so brainy, you know!
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To the Manor Born (1979–2007)
6/10
vicarious nobbing
5 February 2024
A recent C5 doco told us that, at its peak, 24m viewers watched this. I liked it myself, as a little lad. Of course you largely got what you were given then, in TV terms; but still, it's surprising that they should have had such a big hit with such an incredibly snobby show. Mrs fforbes-Hamiton (two small 'f's!) is a character almost without redeeming features: prickly, entitled, full of hauteur; Margot Ledbetter without her humour, glamour or self-awareness. And her values seem to be the values of the show: when she sneers at nouveau-riche DeVere being 'in trade' we laugh with her; when she talks about 'noblesse oblige' we don't laugh at her. Peter Bowles and others are allowed to make fun of her at times, gently; but basically the show approves her feudal mindset, in which (very much like the royal family) she imagines herself to be conferring immense benefits on the whole district by things like doing a reading at church, organising the Huntsmans' Ball (or maybe you didn't realise that huntsmen had...?) or even just by talking to people. And she lives in an archaic world where people shop in the village, they farm with draught horses, medieval-style 'sturdy beggars' roam from parish to parish, and everybody more or less depends on 'the Manor'.

I can only imagine there must have been a deep nostalgia there, in the audience, for a paternal England which was always largely an urban and upper-class fantasy, and whose last vestiges probably expired during the war. Or are we supposed, with DeVere, to aspire to live like a Nob? Of course Bowles is charming - I suppose this show, though conceived as a vehicle for Penelope Keith, began his reign of 5 or 6 years as king of British telly. And I always enjoy his Mum calling him 'Bedrich'. Other than that, I can only think of the theme tune, which is an amazing piece of work: like a cross between Elgar and Saturday Night fever. It is in itself like a ride in a Roller - at least, it's the closest I've ever got. Hear that, see the shotguns and partridges of the opening titles, and you're right there already, living a different life, huntin' and shootin', shaking hands with people and asking condescendingly "And what do you do?".
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The Graduate (1967)
10/10
a love once new has now grown old
25 January 2024
On the face of it, it's odd that this classic product of the 'permissive society' makes sex seem so nasty and repellent: furtive, joyless couplings in darkened rooms, with no smiling or even talking. But then in the second half it segues from one of the sleaziest films ever to one of the most romantic, and ends in a radiant glow. And maybe that's the point: the whole thing could be seen as a metaphor for the hopes of the 60s, escape from the dead hand of convenience and convention, into a life of happiness, freedom and love. Of course we know it didn't turn out quite like that, but it doesn't diminish the beauty of the hope.

It goes without saying that Simon & Garfunkel's songs are an integral part of it, one of the greatest ever rock soundtracks (well, maybe folk-rock in this case) and one of the few actually tailored to the film, rather than pre-existing tracks being played over the top. It sets the atmosphere of uncertainty and drift, and also acts like a Greek chorus commenting on the action (only a lot more foot-tapping). And besides, music was so important to the time; here it helps make up a complete and authoritative statement of the spirit of the age, cinematic, dramatic, musical and social.

There's a bit of an anti-jock as well as anti-square subtext, with that scene of ten identical dufuses in the washroom. And is this also the film which introduced the now commonplace convention, of romantic devotion being represented by running...?
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Flag Day (2021)
6/10
basically a Hallmark film with good production
23 January 2024
The trouble with autobiographies is that they tend to give the subject all the best lines, and make them out too good to be true. They are only really interesting when the writer has had some kind of unique or important experience, otherwise they come across as self-regarding. And those faults are amplified when they are filmed. For example most of us have Dads and, although they don't all turn out as iffy as Sean Penn in this, we all have to deal with realising that they're not everything we thought when we were little. So why - we might wonder - is this story being made into a cinematic experience?

Actually it is good to see something based on the Daddy-daughter relationship; just, it would have been better if it had been made from a more objective pov.
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5/10
great cause but, sorry, it's not a great drama
16 January 2024
Yes, I know, we're all incredibly outraged - even though if we really cared, and paid attention, we wouldn't need a TV show to tell us about this and it could all have been sorted out years ago. The whole country is up in arms, delighted I think that for once we can all agree about hating someone (or some number of people - it's going to be hard to know where to stop). We all luuurve the chance to be sanctimonious. But actually, purely as TV, this isn't great. It's clunky, it's obvious, it's simplistic, it's ALL IN CAPITALS. In fact it isn't really a drama at all, it's a 'dramatisation' - like those segments you get in a doco about Cleopatra. The cast is decent, Toby Jones is of course always great, although Ian Hart is miscast as a posh civil servant type.

From a political angle, it's a depressing example of government by TV; but I suppose it does prove that, contrary to what some say, there is plenty of life left in traditional telly - if only they could come up with stuff we want to watch. Ironic in a way that it coincides with both BBC and ITV beginning to switch off their SD channels altogether.

One other little point: a white male hero and a woman villain! Never in fiction - only in fact.

Edit: I notice that, if you read between the lines, the media reviews quoted by ITV in their own trailers are saying pretty much what I'm saying. They say it is 'meticulously crafted' - which I suppose means 'true to its subject matter' - and that it's a great cast. They want to be nice about it, without saying that it is a great show - because it isn't.
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10/10
life is beautiful, but it gets you in the end
2 January 2024
So much more than just a great western (although that is a big thing in itself) I see this as a sort of fable about how, in spite of all your best efforts, life catches up with you and destroys you. Apparently Robert Redford didn't want the famous 'Raindrops' scene in the picture; I guess that was understandable beforehand, it's true that it's not a very 'Western' scene; but in fact that is precisely the point, and this scene the key scene in the film. It establishes that the characters are not traditional heroes who just want to vanquish the other guy no matter what the cost, but human beings in search of joy who fight and rob - almost apologetically - only because they don't know a better way.

Sexy, engaging, witty, exciting and moving, everything about it is just about perfect.
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Succession (2018– )
8/10
the Fleetwood Mac of dramas
1 January 2024
This is a bit of a curiosity, American made (of course) but with a British creator, Jesse Armstrong, and largely British writers and directors; it channels such Machiavellian British classics as The Death of Stalin, The Thick of It (for which Armstrong wrote) and maybe even I, Claudius. So it's a bit like Fleetwood Mac: American to outward appearances, but on a solidly British base.

Why then - given that it is far better than any British TV drama of recent memory - was it not made in Britain? Sadly the answer is obvious: it is too big, and not woke enough. The BBC in particular would not now consider a flagship drama based round a self-made billionaire and his court, which steers clear of obvious political posturing*, and in which all the important characters are white and most of them male. I wouldn't be surprised if Armstrong had touted a British version of this and then, falling flat, took it to the US in a state of high dudgeon - he wouldn't be the first.

I didn't warm to it at first. It does put together the worst of both cultures: British cynicism and American worship of money. Nobody ever acts unselfishly or for someone else's good, rarely are they even honest, and it is only their money that makes the characters more interesting than anyone you might pass in the street. Armstrong includes vitriolic diatribes against both Britain and America, thus biting both the hands that have fed him, and that's never a good look**. And, whilst a comedy like The Thick of It can perhaps work at a certain level although you dislike the characters, a drama cannot; there has to be some sympathy. But as the show goes on, actually you do sympathise with the characters to a some extent, much more so when they are up against it, and that is largely down to the quality of the acting. You see that they are people like anyone else, with the same hurts and issues. If they are rather shoddy people it is largely because of the very thing we might envy them, their Dad's money and position.

For most of it I thought we are meant to enjoy their pain and it is ultimately pointless voyeurism, a modern version of the ancient Roman punishment of tying someone up in a sack with a cockerel, and fox and a snake. But then right at the end there are two little acts of altruism, both from the same character - good they didn't need to do. And that character is therefore seen as the worthy winner of the show. So I guess it must have a heart after all, or they didn't want it to end on the same cynical note which had prevailed throughout. Whatever, it is the first show for some years that is not an insult to the intelligence. The reviews all say it's 'the best show on TV'; actually, at the moment, there's no contest. I do agree with Brian Cox though that a certain 'major twist' (although it's not a twist really, it's a long-expected event) comes too far from the end of the last series. It's his character that keeps it together and drives it forward; whenever he's not around for any reason, the show's grip distinctly slackens.

*The political message of the show is mixed. It is subtly critical of the Roys' influence, and the critique intensifies as it goes on, but it never feels like that is the point of the exercise. On the other hand, it buys into the myth of the self-made billionaire (in reality Rupert Murdoch, for example, didn't come from nothing: his Dad was an Australian newspaper magnate); and I think we're meant to take the eulogies towards the end at face value, that Logan is a forceful character who does what he has to do to get things done, and that that's a good thing. To that extent it is after all a true American drama, because in American drama the message is always basically that you gotta do what you gotta do; as opposed to British drama, the message of which is always that the world is full of injustice which we as a society need to put right. If there is something wrong, Brits believe that the government should do something - believe, that is, in collective responsibility; Americans, that govts never do anything useful and that people have to sort things out for themselves - legally if possible but, if not, whatever way they can. Two different world views, and there are things to be said for each of them; but there's no doubt which makes for better TV. Because Brits don't approve of people taking things into their own hands, their TV heroes are too passive and sensitive, the stories don't have enough drive and - although people keep trying - it's incredibly difficult to make good drama out of social workers, doleys, and phoning the council to unblock the drains.

**Bizarrely, though, they are nice about Dundee, Roy's fictional home town - having found a pretext to set an episode there, courtesy of a healthy slice of lottery funding.
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The Real Full Monty (2017– )
3/10
what a complete flippin swiz
12 December 2023
Originally it was a show with and about blokes, presented by Alexander Armstrong, culminating in a genuine 'full monty' routine. Somehow it has morphed into a sort of morbid version of the Royal Variety Performance, presented by Colleen Nolan, with terrible songs and a segment where the celebs upliftingly talk about how they've suffered from cancer. And then there's a routine in which the men still do the full monty - but the women, having bridled, shied and hid throughout the show, don't. They don't do the very thing that the show is supposed to be about. Is it supposed to be more difficult for women to do? Because I can't see it myself. And it's not - oo-er - pro bono, they are getting paid, plus they get - oo-er - exposure. How do they get away with it?

Basically it's a classic example where they let the women in and they promptly spoil it. And btw - although I doubt if there were any straight guys in the audience - the lads are objectively, on the whole, a lot more attractive as men than the girls are as women. Just saying.

Giving it three stars just for 'Pirate' Pete Wicks who was, as always, great value.
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6/10
it may be the best Muppet movie - it's definitely not the best Christmas Carol
12 December 2023
I have a very soft spot for Muppet CC - fond memories of going to see it on a snowy day in Manchester - but objectively it's not one of the better adaptations of Dickens' immortal tale. I generally watch it at some point over Christmas, and I think if anything familiarity has obscured the fact that it is just not a very good idea. The incorporation of existing Muppet characters into the story has only limited success, and sometimes the attempt is jarring. The use of Gonzo to link it, with Rizzo the rat (not previously an important character), is downright awkward. The landscapes look more like America than Britain, and some of the accents are distinctly hokey. Paul Williams' numbers are not the strongest, and even Scrooge himself, Michael Caine, doesn't compare well to the many great previous performances. Caine is okay as long as he can underplay - when he tries to emote, it's not a good look.

But it is fun, certainly a helluva lot better than Muppet Treasure Island. Miss Piggy, with her lookalike and actalike daughters Bettina and Belinda, is fantastic.

For what it's worth, I think the best Muppets film is the revival one with Jason Segel.
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1/10
I'm starting to think we just don't have the actors any more
8 December 2023
I have a lot of time for Eccers, a committed actor from my part of the world who can be very good on his own ground. But somehow when he speaks the lines of Macbeth they seem completely random, as if they have nothing to do with him. It's like listening to an audiobook read by a bot, and probably for the same reason: that he doesn't understand what he is saying. And what's true of him is also true of Lady Macbeth (who jitters about all over the place, as if she is nervous before the Prom) and doubly and trebly true of the supporting cast. It seems like we are just not producing the actors with the intellect and verbal skills to handle these roles any more. If we are, they are certainly not getting on telly.
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5/10
zombie apocalypse without the zombies
28 November 2023
This isn't the worst entry in the series. It's decently acted and directed, with a quality cast, and the action is pretty well done. But the idea is getting tired; and the theme has gradually evolved from an interesting straight-up horror/thriller set-up to a non-too-subtle political message that is anti-Right and perilously close to being anti-White. Put it this way, all the bad guys belong to a certain ethnic group - and there's only one ethnic group these days that would ever be allowed to play that role, isn't there? Josh Lucas and his mates appear merely as token 'good Whites' to sweeten the pill.

Things must be bad when people are actually fleeing en masse to drug-war-torn Mexico for safety; and the film enjoys this never-gonna-happen role reversal a bit too much. For it to come about would not be a question of just a few tweaks, or going a little further down the path we're on; it would be a complete up-ending of reality.
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5/10
well-made but pointless and implausible sequel
25 November 2023
It's okay, looks nice and is well-acted - maybe better-acted than the story really deserves - but doesn't really add anything to the first one. It's filled with well-worn zombie apocalypse tropes (Cillian Murphy, whose screen career began with 28 Days Later, puts in a kind of 'completing the circle' role) - only, these creatures ain't zombies. If they can cross the galaxy to spoil a little league baseball game, how is it they can't cross a few miles of sea? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah.
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