It was announced earlier this week that the U.S. soap opera 'Dallas' is to make a comeback. To me, its about as welcome a return as The Black Death or Adolf Hitler. I wasted much of the '80's hating not only the show itself, but the people who worked on it, and the B.B.C. for importing the flaming thing. It was the 'X Factor' of its day. You could not pick up a newspaper nor switch on the television without finding someone ( usually Nina Myskow ) gushing about how great it was. A 'Radio Times' letter writer called it: "television's greatest achievement ever!" ( what medication was he/she on? ). Yet I could not ( and still can't ) see its appeal. It was essentially 'Crossroads' with helicopter shots.
Created by David Jacobs ( not the former B.B.C. presenter ), it told of the trials and tribulations of the filthy rich Ewing family, who lived in Dallas ( hence the title ), Texas. The head of the clan was grizzled Jock Ewing ( Jim Davis ), but he had to be written out after a few seasons as the actor playing him died. He was married to simpering Miss Ellie ( Barbara Bel Geddes, then Donna Reed, then Barbara Bel Geddes again ), their sons were bad guy John Ross ( J.R. for short, played to the hilt by Larry Hagman, former co-star of the sitcom 'I Dream Of Jeannie' ), and good guy Bobby ( ex-'Man From Atlantis' Patrick Duffy ). Bobby's wife was lovely Pam ( Victoria Principal, the lady who took away Anthony 'Psycho' Perkins' virginity ). J.R. was a swine who loved two things in life - himself and money. He was married to the permanently emoting 'Sue Ellen' ( Linda Gray ), who had a drink problem, a quivering upper lip and a tendency to throw empty glasses at her husband each week after a row. The Ewing ranch - Southfork ( known in my house as 'Forkoff' ) - was augmented by juicy Lucy ( Charlene Tilton, who must have been last in the queue when they handed out necks ). Jock had an illegitimate son in the shape of cowboy Ray Krebbs ( Steve Kanaly ), adding to the existing family friction. J.R.'s main business rival was creepy Cliff Barnes ( Ken Kercheval ).
Promiscuity was rife, rather bizarre in an era where we were all being urged to be monogamous. 'Dallas' offered some startling insights into the high-powered world of big business. For instance, I learnt that the job of oil tycoon involves sitting behind a desk all day, puffing cigars, knocking back whisky, and trying to inject the word 'offshore' into everyday conversation as often as possible. In the immortal words of 'Yosser Hughes' ( Bernard Hill ) from 'Boys From The Blackstuff': "Give us a job...I can do that!". It might have been fun had it been played for laughs, sort of like the Susan Harris sitcom 'Soap', but everyone concerned took the stupid plots of adultery and double-dealing deadly seriously. When J.R. got shot at the end of one season, the tabloids went into a frenzy, attempting to identify the would-be killer. 'Who Shot J.R.?' became the most oft-asked question of the '80's. Since then, almost every soap has tried to do a 'who shot J.R.?' type cliffhanger, with varying results.
Howard Keel was Miss Ellie's love interest 'Peyton Farlow' and Steve 'The Baron' Forrest was made up to resemble a goat's bum as 'Wes Parmalee' ( where did they get these names from? 'Star Wars'? ) Terry Wogan was the first British 'Dallas-phile' and it is his name I used to curse each week when that bombastic theme tune blasted out of the television. I.T.V. attempted to poach the show from the B.B.C. at one point but sold it back to the B.B.C. - just as interest was on the wane. The final straw came in 1986 when, after being killed off, Bobby was famously resurrected in a shower, invalidating an entire season ( was this where Steven Moffat got the idea from for the Season 5 finale of 'Dr.Who'? ). Fans decided they'd had enough, and the last series went out in a graveyard on Sunday afternoon slot on B.B.C.-1 in 1991.
As if the prospect of a new 'Dallas' is not worrying enough, a 'Dynasty' revival ( Ye Gods! ) is also threatened. Good to know that Hollywood is currently bursting with exciting new ideas. To my mind the 'Dallas' series is the second worst thing to have happened to that famous city, the very first being J.F.K.'s assassination.
On the plus side, it kept a lot of women entertained for over a decade, and the late, great Kenny Everett did a wonderful parody called 'Dallasty' which ended each week with the credit: 'Creative Realisation Associates Production' ( spell out the first letters ).
Created by David Jacobs ( not the former B.B.C. presenter ), it told of the trials and tribulations of the filthy rich Ewing family, who lived in Dallas ( hence the title ), Texas. The head of the clan was grizzled Jock Ewing ( Jim Davis ), but he had to be written out after a few seasons as the actor playing him died. He was married to simpering Miss Ellie ( Barbara Bel Geddes, then Donna Reed, then Barbara Bel Geddes again ), their sons were bad guy John Ross ( J.R. for short, played to the hilt by Larry Hagman, former co-star of the sitcom 'I Dream Of Jeannie' ), and good guy Bobby ( ex-'Man From Atlantis' Patrick Duffy ). Bobby's wife was lovely Pam ( Victoria Principal, the lady who took away Anthony 'Psycho' Perkins' virginity ). J.R. was a swine who loved two things in life - himself and money. He was married to the permanently emoting 'Sue Ellen' ( Linda Gray ), who had a drink problem, a quivering upper lip and a tendency to throw empty glasses at her husband each week after a row. The Ewing ranch - Southfork ( known in my house as 'Forkoff' ) - was augmented by juicy Lucy ( Charlene Tilton, who must have been last in the queue when they handed out necks ). Jock had an illegitimate son in the shape of cowboy Ray Krebbs ( Steve Kanaly ), adding to the existing family friction. J.R.'s main business rival was creepy Cliff Barnes ( Ken Kercheval ).
Promiscuity was rife, rather bizarre in an era where we were all being urged to be monogamous. 'Dallas' offered some startling insights into the high-powered world of big business. For instance, I learnt that the job of oil tycoon involves sitting behind a desk all day, puffing cigars, knocking back whisky, and trying to inject the word 'offshore' into everyday conversation as often as possible. In the immortal words of 'Yosser Hughes' ( Bernard Hill ) from 'Boys From The Blackstuff': "Give us a job...I can do that!". It might have been fun had it been played for laughs, sort of like the Susan Harris sitcom 'Soap', but everyone concerned took the stupid plots of adultery and double-dealing deadly seriously. When J.R. got shot at the end of one season, the tabloids went into a frenzy, attempting to identify the would-be killer. 'Who Shot J.R.?' became the most oft-asked question of the '80's. Since then, almost every soap has tried to do a 'who shot J.R.?' type cliffhanger, with varying results.
Howard Keel was Miss Ellie's love interest 'Peyton Farlow' and Steve 'The Baron' Forrest was made up to resemble a goat's bum as 'Wes Parmalee' ( where did they get these names from? 'Star Wars'? ) Terry Wogan was the first British 'Dallas-phile' and it is his name I used to curse each week when that bombastic theme tune blasted out of the television. I.T.V. attempted to poach the show from the B.B.C. at one point but sold it back to the B.B.C. - just as interest was on the wane. The final straw came in 1986 when, after being killed off, Bobby was famously resurrected in a shower, invalidating an entire season ( was this where Steven Moffat got the idea from for the Season 5 finale of 'Dr.Who'? ). Fans decided they'd had enough, and the last series went out in a graveyard on Sunday afternoon slot on B.B.C.-1 in 1991.
As if the prospect of a new 'Dallas' is not worrying enough, a 'Dynasty' revival ( Ye Gods! ) is also threatened. Good to know that Hollywood is currently bursting with exciting new ideas. To my mind the 'Dallas' series is the second worst thing to have happened to that famous city, the very first being J.F.K.'s assassination.
On the plus side, it kept a lot of women entertained for over a decade, and the late, great Kenny Everett did a wonderful parody called 'Dallasty' which ended each week with the credit: 'Creative Realisation Associates Production' ( spell out the first letters ).