General Urko Reviews

Very Bad Things (1998)

Bad Boys Bad Boys, Watcha Gonna Do?

[18 November 2002]

A group of guys on a bachelors outing in Vegas accidently kill a prostitute & this leads to a series of cover ups, murders & bizarre events!

*Spoilers*

This is an OK movie, not great but fun. It is in some ways refreshingly dark but in others not that far removed from the usual Hollywood comedies. Its got a very black & surreal edge & the dark deeds & ever more ridiculous & inevitably doomed actions of the guys is fun to watch.

The cast are on the whole good, Jon Favreau & Jeremy Piven are excellent as usual. They really give a realistic portrayal of your average bloke caught up in this nightmare situation. Daniel Stern is also great as the tortured moral centre to the group, his scene when he breaks down at a petrol station is one of the highlights of the movie. Apart from Diaz the other players are nothing remarkable.

The one weak link in this movie, & the main thing which lets it down is Christian - I look a bit like a young Jack Nicholson so will copy him in every film I'm in - Slater! You should really never see the mechanics of acting in a movie but with Slater this is all you see! You are so aware of the fact that he is performing, he never convinces as the character, content to be a Nicholson impersonator rather than an actor & this is a major let down as he is a driving force for many of the events in Very Bad Things.

As mentioned Sterns character is the moral ground in this film & works well, but the movie does fall short on other occasions when it appears that the director/writer is implying a more serious message. For example a man having sex with a hooker intercut with the rest of the gang watching wrestling & playfighting. What is he trying to say? A link between violence & sex? Indeed this film is totally moralistic! If you do a bad thing then bad things will happen to you appears to be the message. It would have been darker & funnier if Slaters character had got away with it, walked away scott free at the end of the film whilst everyone else around him is either dead, disabled or mad!

So overall this is worth a watch not least to see the fine 'adult performance artiste' Kobé Tai in a mainstream movie! She isn't on screen for long though, & this is probably the first time she's had to get to grips with such a small part! Very Bad Things has some funny moments mixed with a very dark tone. It is slightly let down by a certain actors performance & the fact that it's not quite as funny or subversive as it should be/thinks it is.

Wing Commander (1999)

Broken Wings

[16 October 2002]

Earth, the distant future. As usual the only hope for humanity against an alien threat is one lone hero. But can he save the day?

Wing Commander is yet another movie version of a computer game & even by their relatively low standards its a stinker! The plot - such as it is - is strictly by the numbers, it may work in a computer game but is so derivative & uninspiring that it borders on the inane. Also the film totally excludes viewers who have not played the game. All this talk of Pilgrims & Kilrathi is never fully explained. Maybe the makers didn't care, knowing that the only people interested in this would be gamers.

The acting is poor from all concerned, even some of the better actors such as David Warner & Jurgen Prochnow struggle with inane dialogue whilst walking around cardboard sets (why did they agree to be in this film?) Freddie Prince Junior is as reliable as ever adding another award winning performance to his list. He really is one of the worst actors around but is consistent if nothing else. His style is less realistic then many computer game characters! He is perfectly matched with Saffron Burrows who also gives a performance of superb woodenness.

The FX are poor, again reminiscent of a video game rather than a Hollywood movie. The space ships & battles are notable for their lack of imagination & excitement. The aliens who are wisely short on screen time are pretty laughable. You have to keep reminding yourself that this was made in 1999!

The worst crime of this film though isn't the bad acting, script, FX & directing but the shear dullness of it all. It doesn't inspire any sense of excitement or tension in the viewer from its opening voice-over prologue to a flat climax.

Overall a movie that is not just badly made but pointless. Nobody cares about the plight of the cardboard characters running around cardboard sets - by nobody I mean the cast, crew, & writer/director considering the total lack of effort on everyones part! If this mess of a movie is a reflection of the game then I'm glad I've never played it! One for Battlefield Earth fans only!

Anaconda (1997)

There's A Snake In My Boot!

[16 October 2002]

Way down deep in the middle of the jungle, a film crew & mad hunter meet a giant Anaconda!

Anaconda is basically an old fashioned monster movie, a 50s B-movie with some modern if not so special FX. It has all the trappings of the worst of those movies - creaky dialogue, wooden acting etc - but none of the charm. The cast performances are pretty average, J-Lo is easy on the eye, Ice Cube is his normal self & Eric Stoltz lies down for most of the film - easy money!

In a film like this the star of the show should be the monster. For the most part it appears to be a giant rubber snake that terrorizes its hapless victims as they travel upriver. This is mixed with some average CGI FX. Initially it seems that the director is going for a more suspenseful Jaws type approach but its not long before he dumps this style for a more in your face series of snake attacks. To be fair there are a couple of imaginatively done moments to be found here - one attack has the snake catch its victim as he falls rolling him up as it returns to the treetops! - but nothing really amazing or unexpected. This is a reflection of the film as a whole, its all very predictable & devoid of thrills.

So why watch this film? Two words, John Voight! His performance is deliciously over the top, complete with evil scowls & menacing grimaces. This has got to be a new high (or low) in cinema acting! You wonder how on earth he got away with it! HE wonders how on earth he got away with it! Voight seems to be trying to go as far as he can, getting more & more hammy, waiting for someone to notice or say something but they just let him get on with it! He must be thinking, how ridiculously over the top can I go? Then he goes further! The make up department should have gone the whole hog & given him a large wax moustache to twirl as he cackles away. Its also disappointing that he didn't tie J-Lo to some train tracks! Oh well, if the acting offers dry up in Hollywood he's got a job for life in Panto! The crowning glory of Voights performance comes in his final scene. He really takes the biscuit & steals the movie! It's so hilariously unbelievable! Its a must see!

Overall then, a decidedly average & old fashioned monster movie that isn't really very good. Rubbish apart from Voights performance which is pretty much the only reason for watching Anaconda.

Celeb (2002– )

Watch Celeb? You Don't Want To Do That!

[15 October 2002]

Celeb details the 'hilarious' misadventures of millionaire middle aged rock star Gary Bloke & his young blonde wife.

Based on a strip in Private Eye the impetus for bringing this to the small screen must have been the success of The Osbournes. Belonging firmly in the category of "seemed like a good idea at the time" this new sitcom is consistently short on laughs. The first show opens with a good gag but then goes dramatically down hill.

Gary Bloke himself is a tired rehash of previous Enfield creations, most noticeably Kevin the teenager. Celeb feels like a sketch stretched out to fit the sitcom format. Indeed it may have worked as a recurring character in a Harry Enfield & Chums style show but can't sustain an entire series alone. The casting of Amanda Holden is a pleasant distraction during the many mirthless minutes though!

Basically this just isn't funny. Harry Enfield was once a great comedian creating memorable & witty characters alongside fellow stars Paul Whitehouse, Charlie Higson and Kathy Burke - does their absence have anything to do with his recent drop in quality? Now it just seems like he isn't trying very hard, content to rehash elements of previous creations in a lazy plot. After sitting through Celebs practically joke free 30 minutes the phrase that springs to mind is . . . Oi Enfield! No!

Bargain Hunt (2000– )

From Daytime To Primetime The Duke Has Arrived!

[9 September 2002]

Two teams of amateur antiques collectors are given £500 & sent out to hunt for bargains in one of the many antique fairs the length & breadth of the British Isles. An expert is on hand to help with advice on what to buy and how to haggle. The antiques are later sold at a local auction. The team to make the most profit wins.

Doesn't sound like the most exciting show eh? Well you've reckoned without the charm, flair & caddish wit of the one & only . . . the man, the myth, The Duke . . . David Dickinson! With his dapper suits, the spray on tan & classic barnet he is a mix of Lovejoy & Roger Moore with an added dash of Leslie Phillips & a merest hint of David Niven! One eye on the antiques & one eye on the ladies he took the daytime schedules by storm ripping up the rule book of dull TV & is now pushing open the envelope of entertainment in a prime-time slot!

His love of antiques & the ladies radiates out of the screen! The warmth flows from the TV - every man wants to be him, every woman wants to be loved by him! Resplendent in his classic English gent finery & his trademark quips - "cheap as chips", "for the ladies " - he is never afraid to take the mickey out of himself with the many sketches that permeate the show. Nevertheless when it comes to the final showdown, the climactic auction, The Duke knows his stuff! He is honest in his evaluation of the antiques bought by the contestants & is invaribly proved right but is the first to admit when he has misjudged an item. No matter how much you know - & The Duke knows a lot - you can still be surprised. Such is the random factor of the antique buying world!

Whilst interviewing the contestants & throughout the show there are various asides to the camera. Knowing glances. Wonderful quips. He involves the public at home. Whether in council flat or castle millions of bums are on the edge of millions of seats. Will the contestants make a profit? What witty aside will The Duke come out with next? Throughout we are referred to as Bargain Hunters not viewers! Its true, aren't we all in some way Bargain Hunters of one sort or another in the great antique fair of life?

For so long the sole delight of the daytime viewer - the unemployable, the chore neglecting housewife, the layabout student - Bargain Hunt is now in a prime-time evening slot. Make no excuses! Delay no longer! Watch one episode & become hooked! You know it makes sense!

Death Wish: The Face of Death (1994)

Paul Kersey - The Jinx!

[5 September 2002]

Paul Kersey is in a happy relationship yet again. But of course death & bloodshed are never far behind & soon he must exact his revenge. This time against a violent mobster & his gang!

In 1974 the much berated director Michael Winner made Death Wish. A hard hitting tale of vigilantes & vengeance starring Charles Bronson. Two decades later & the 5th film in a franchise that didn't need to stretch beyond the original arrived.

Never has the law of diminishing returns been more apt than with Death Wish 5. Paul Kersey, the unluckiest man alive or just a bloomin' jinx! He must be the best customer at the local dating agency! Like Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote he always seems to be 'coincidentally' around when the bodies start piling up & its no different here. Yet again his nearest & dearest are the victims of crime & yet again he is out for vengeance. This time with the help of cyanide, fork lift trucks & exploding footballs!

Why on earth did this film get made & more importantly what happened to Charles Bronson? He gave some great performances in some great films such as Once Upon a Time in the West, The Dirty Dozen, The Great Escape & The Magnificent Seven. Apart from a strong supporting character role in The Indian Runner he seems to be resigned now to sleepwalking through bland, poorly written & flatly directed rubbish like this.

A least Death Wish 5 offers some handy survival tips for todays violent modern world. Being chased across the top of a building by increasingly inept bad guys? Simply swan dive off the roof into some handy fall-breaking bin bags! Want to know how to avoid bullets? Simply run in slo-mo waving your hands in the air!

What can one say, this is a pointless entry into a dead franchise. The original was great but there is really no reason to see sequel number 5. Although maybe women should watch to know what Paul Kersey looks like. Then if you run into him at a singles bars you can beat a hasty retreat from Mr Death!

Edtv (1999)

Television, The Drug Of The Nation.

[4 September 2002]

Ed is a happy go lucky video store assistant going nowhere fast who finds himself attracted to his brothers girlfriend. So far so what? But this just happens to be occurring at the same time that his every waking minute is being broadcast live to the nation on the new reality show Edtv!

Directed by Ron Howard Edtv is a first class film inspired by the French Canadian movie 'Louis 19, Le Roi Des Ondes'. Released shortly after The Truman Show its the superior if unfairly less well received of the two Hollywood reality TV themed movies. It did come up against heavy comparisons but is quite a different & better film. Whereas Truman was totally unaware that he was in a TV show Ed activity volunteers for the job. Such is the currency of celebrity in the modern media age. Who are you if you haven't been on TV?

The world of celebrity is the one we inhabit in the early 21st century. They are used to try to convince us what to wear, what to eat, what to drink & even who to vote for! We are truly living in a celebrity culture, with shows such as Big Brother & Survivor promoting the seemingly unstoppable desire by members of the public to become famous simply for being famous! Ed, slightly reluctant at first soon becomes seduced by this idea, an idea which turns sour.

Ron Howards movie does have a lot to say about the issues of celebrity & reality TV, but at its heart is a great romantic comedy which has more of an edge to it than is expected from the one time star of Happy Days. The pairing of Matthew McConaughey & Woody Harrelson is inspired, they are great together sparking off one another. Natural comedic actors you believe they are brothers. Dennis Hopper puts in a good cameo & Jenny Elfman is totally convincing as the female romantic lead. You really care about the plight of the characters & the rest of the cast are also on top form. From Rob Reiners small role as a TV executive to the excellent Martin Landau as Eds father. He is one of the best character actors of recent years making truly varied & believable performance in films as diverse as Crimes & Misdemeanors, Ed Wood & Rounders. Add Edtv to the list - his performance is comedy gold!

The great acting would of course all be in vain if it weren't coupled with a good script. Thankfully Edtv has one. All the predictable hallmarks of a romantic comedy are here but with a sharper wit & of course the reality show structure which brings a new dimension to the genre. Add to this Howards direction using all the tricks, styles & conventions of reality TV. Sometimes you are watching the cameramens POV, sometimes Eds exploits are conveyed on a TV screen complete with advertising, at other times you are presented with multiple viewpoints of the same scene. These constant variations in style keep the film fresh & interesting & are further enhanced by the audience reactions throughout the film & the TV led critique & discussions about the merits or otherwise of the phenomenon that is Edtv. Together the acting, directing & script really convince that Edtv is viable & could exist!

Overall this is a funny, well directed romantic comedy from Ron Howard. Great performances abound from all concerned. There is a deeper level to the film which isn't hammered home or done in a heavy handed way but is there none the less among the laughs. But just how long will it be before Edtv becomes a reality?

Men in Black II (2002)

Same Planet. New Scum. Same Film?

[20 August 2002]

Evil alien Serleena has arrived on Earth seeking the light of Zartha. Only one agent can stop her, K. But he has been neuralised so it is up to his former partner J to get him back & together they can save the world!

In 1997 Men In Black blasted onto cinema screens from out of nowhere. It was a great summer movie reminiscent of Ghostbusters but bringing its own fresh, fun feel. The pairing of Tommy Lee Jones & Will Smith was inspired & they are together again in MIB II.

As the saying goes, if it ain't broke don't fix it. That seems to have been foremost in the minds of all involved with this ok if decidedly average sequel. This movie will have an all too familiar feel to fans of the original. Yes a sequel should retain all the good things that made the original a hit but must also add some new ideas of its own. On this front MIB II is lacking. The plot is almost identical to the first film - evil alien in human form arrives on Earth seeking mysterious artifact & two MIB agents must not only stop the alien but find out what exactly the artifact is, all within a tight time limit of course!

Much of this film feels like it was written after market research. What did fans like about the first film? Well lets just put all that in this one! Characters such as Frank the pugdog, the worm guys & Jeebs all make a return here to varying degrees of success. Frank is good but the other old characters just seem like that, lets have some new ones! Once J & K are reunited the film gets better, they are as good as ever & you can forgive the lazy plot whenever they are on screen. The banter between the two is as good as before with a slightly different dynamic to start with. The rest of the cast are nothing more than ok, Lara Flynn Boyle pretty much miscast as a not very threatening or nasty alien.

Apart from Tommy Lee & Will this film is saved by a couple of good little action set pieces & also one or two really funny gags such as one locker joke at Grand Central Station. But a film that is supposed to be a comedy should have much more than one or two comedic highlights! FX were also a highlight of the original MIB & its a bit of a mixed bag. The CGI looks a bit rushed but Rick Bakers imaginative & skilled work is again first rate.

In conclusion this is ok. . . for a sequel. There have been many good ones like Empire Strikes Back, or sequels which have taken the original concept & advanced it, adding a new dimension such as Aliens or T2. MIB II, whilst not a terrible film is far from brilliant. It is the rehashed plot which lets it down, especially considering the 5 year gap between the movies. Fans will enjoy it for some funny scenes & the return of the Will Smith/Tommy Lee Jones double act but will leave the cinema slightly underwhelmed.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

What On Earth?

[10 July 2002]

In the year 3000 the Earth is dominated by gold-mining aliens. However the all but extinct human race is about to make one last bid for freedom!

Based on the novel by scientologist L. Ron Hubbard Battlefield Earth is the critically panned project from John Travolta who had longed to make it & star as the hero Jonnie Goodboy Tyler. The advancing years meant that when finally given the green light he decided to play the evil alien Terl instead. He shouldn't have bothered. Pushing aside the claims that this movie is a recruitment drive for scientology it remains a contender for worst film in cinematic history!

With any big Hollywood blockbuster suspension of disbelief is of course normal but even these movies should adhere to their own internal logic. Battlefield Earth has none! How on Earth did gold-loving aliens miss Fort Knox? How do cavemen learn to fly fighterplanes within a week? These are just a couple of the gaping plot holes in an already sparse script. They could be overlooked if the film had good fx, acting & action scenes to cover the flaws but alas it does not.

Everything has been seen before & been done better, from the post-apocalyptic ruins of Earth to the spacecraft dogfights. The aliens themselves appear to have stepped out of a 1960s episode of Star Trek with make-up consisting of dreadlocks, joke-shop monster gloves & KISS reject big boots. This is not helped by the laughable panto-style acting & unintentionally hilarious dialogue.

The man responsible for this film is Roger Christian. He has previously worked with George Lucas but this film doesn't compare favourably with any of the Lucasfilm output & that includes Howard The Duck! He has used the familiar wipes from the Star Was films again & again & again. For no visible purpose other than the fact that he can do it. The other remaining trick up his directorial sleeve is an unnecessary & bizarre over-reliance on slo-mo. This may have been used to try & add something to the uninspired action scenes.

Overall this is that rare thing, a movie totally devoid of merit! It would be hard pushed to cut the mustard as a cheap Saturday morning cartoon let alone a full length feature-film. As such it really should be avoided.

Resident Evil (2002)

See No Evil?

[8 July 2002]

A young woman with amnesia awakens in an empty mansion, alone she is soon joined by a SWAT team sent to investigate a mysterious occurrence in the mansions subterranean secret labs. An occurrence which will bring her face to face with not only her true identity. . . but the undead!

In recent cinematic history the number of films based on computer games has increased & another such film can be added to the list with Resident Evil. Its far better than most game-to-film translations but is not exactly a classic cinematic experience. The games were heavily influenced by the work of George Romero & it is this cinematic inspiration which is beneficial to the movie version. Indeed Romero was approached to make the movie but his version was deemed too gory for a mainstream audience & hence not profitable enough. His replacement was Paul Anderson responsible for such movies as Event Horizon, Soldier & another computer game adaptation Mortal Kombat.

Anyone familiar with Andersons films will know what to expect. A B movie version of James Cameron style cinema with characters to match & a techno-soundtrack. As well as action the games have a suspenseful spooky atmosphere but the film concentrates on the action elements & yes, with a techno soundtrack. It doesn't send shivers up your spine nor is it gory enough for the hardcore horror fan but is entertaining in an undemanding sort of way.

Resident Evil the film is a low budget action-movie 'inspired' by Aliens & early John Carpenter with zombies instead of extraterrestrials & a SWAT team in place of futuristic marines. Also like the work of Cameron it has a strong female lead in the form of Milla Jovovich (Alice). She is good in a pretty undemanding role as is Michelle Rodriguez but most of the characters are stock action movie types & the audience doesn't care to much what happens to them.

The script whilst not Oscar worthy even by action movie standards does work. The main characters amnesia adds to the run of the mill plot & gives a hook to drive the movie forward. Just what does Alice have to do with the situation? The narrative is not based on any single Resident Evil game & is all the better for it. The games are heavily plot driven so less surprises would be up on the screen if it was a faithful adaptation of the console smash. What it does do is capture the spirit of the game. The silver screen version gives us the Umbrella corporation, secret labs, empty mansions, mutant dogs & of course lots of zombies - all stock elements of the Resident Evil series. There are many other familiar locales, scenes & images to raise a knowing smile for fans particularly in the sequel prompting climax.

The direction is solid if not groundbreaking & the sets are suitably dark & foreboding but Resident Evil doesn't have the superb set design found in Andersons earlier film Event Horizon. The zombies themselves look OK although they are not gory enough, a general complaint against the film. Where are the exploding zombie heads, the result of close range shotgun fire? Where are the zombie hoards feasting on McHuman Happy Meals? Also the CGI effects are pretty poor during the climactic big boss battle but this is probably due to budgetary limitations. That said it does end with a great closing shot which bodes well for the inevitable sequel, just so long as Anderson is allowed to up the anti in the blood 'n guts stakes. There is also a nod to the work of Romero to be found in the movies closing moments.

Overall with Resident Evil you get what you pay for. Movies based on computer games don't exactly promise much & anyone familiar with the work of Paul Anderson will not be surprised by this film. A modern B movie with all that entails. Its fairly enjoyable rubbish, perfect for a wet-afternoon on video rather than a must see cinematic experience.

The Time Machine (2002)

Bad Timing!

[17 June 2002]

*Minor Spoilers*

After a journey back in time to save his fiancée ends in disaster Prof. Alexander Hartdegen travels relentlessly forward & eventually finds himself in the company of a tribe called the Eloi who are at the mercy of the monstrous Morlocks!

In 1960 George Pal created a cinematic version of HG Wells' novel The Time Machine. Over 40 years later Simon Wells, the novelists grandson has given it a new treatment for todays audience. As in the original the basic plot - a time traveller ends up in the year 802701 where he encounters two races, the Eloi & the Morlocks - is adhered to with a few embellishments over & omissions from the novel. However this version does not compare favourably with the 1960 original.

The acting for the most part is OK with Jeremy Irons in a bizarre role (more on that later). Guy Pearce isn't stretched by the material but convinces as a man driven through time by the loss of a loved one. What does not come across well is the friendship between him and David Philby (Mark Addy). As a viewer you are at a loss as to why theses two men would be friends? Samantha Mumba is passable in her first role although she doesn't have a lot to work with & Orlando Bloom is entertaining as a Holographic librarian.

The effects are good especially in the closing scene of the film, which wonderfully brings the past & the future together. The modern time travel techniques are very similar to the original with a windowshop dummy reflecting the changing fashions in high speed & there are other homage's to be found. The machine is different in design but has a familiarity with that used many years ago by Rod Taylor.

For a film dealing with time it is very economical with it as this is a fairly short film by todays blockbuster standards clocking in at a mere 96 minutes. Indeed it is possibly too short, it would have been nice for Alex to stop off in more contemporary times & get to see his reaction to recent events as Pal did in his travellers' deviations to WWI & WWII. He only makes a couple of brief stops before the mainplot begins, once in the far future he is met by the Eloi & soon after encounters the monstrous Morlocks.

The Morlocks are an obvious technical improvement over those from 40 years ago apart from the fact that they no longer have an aversion to daylight. The Eloi themselves are vastly different to the ones portrayed in the original. It is never made convincingly clear why they do not retaliate against the Morlocks. They do not act like the evolutionary result of the idle rich & seem quite self-sufficient. This is one of the main problems with the film. The Eloi are not seen as anything but good rather than their more ambiguous portrayal in the 1960 film.

The main problem as a movie in its own right rather than a remake, is that it just isn't very exciting. There is never a real sense of danger, little in the way of thrills & an all too brief & quick confrontation between Alex & the leader of the Morlocks, Jeremy Irons before the film ends.

The character portrayed by Jeremy Irons. What can be said? Although he is good in the role he seems to have wandered in from another film. A super intelligent Morlock with ESP! Was he written in just to deliver further exposition to Guy Pearce, as is sometimes the feeling with Orlando Bloom? It's much more of a cameo than a full part & when he says "Who are you to argue with 800,000 years of evolution?", you tend to agree with him - has Alex learnt nothing from meddling with time! Also his answer to the travellers question as to why he cannot save his wife is glaringly obvious to any fan of time travelling sci-fi cinema.

Overall, as a film in its own right it is pretty forgettable. No sooner has the real meat of the plot begun then it's all over! Taken unavoidably so as a remake it fails on all counts save for the obvious advances in FX. It doesn't add anything to the story & much like Tim Burtons recent Planet Of The Apes dilutes most of the intelligence of the original to leave a decidedly bland & average summer blockbuster.

True Crime (1999)

This Film Is Guilty Alright!

[1 May 2002]

An alcoholic reporter is sent to cover the last day of a killer on death row but seems convinced that he is innocent. Can he find the evidence & stop the wrongful execution in time!

Clint Eastwood is not only an acting icon but a very good director from Play Misty For Me to the multi-Oscar winning Unforgiven. True Crime however is a blot on a career which has for the most part been of a consistently high & entertaining quality.

The problem with True Crime is that it comes across as a TV movie or at best a 50s B-movie. The characters are cliched from the washed up reporter to the Newspaper Boss with a grudge & everything has been seen before, better done. Who do we blame for the films faults? The script doesn't thrill or excite & the whole film is a mass of contradictions which is not helped by uninspiring direction & by the numbers acting. Is it an anti-death penalty movie, a light thriller or a comment on the treatment of ethnic minorities by the legal system of America? I doubt if anyone involved in this film knows. For example, more could have been made of the Prison Governor, who in one small scene hints at his doubts as to his prisoners crime. This idea could have been expanded - a man whos job it is to incarcarate questioning the guilt of those he must punish.

The finale of True Crime has to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious in cinema history & anyone who has seen The Player will find it laughingly familiar. Also the way in which we get to it is quite uninspiring, no mass of clues coverups & false evidence here just a total change of heart by one of the characters in the space of a couple of seconds! No in-depth detective work from Mr Eastwood apart from a quick interview with a witness, a stack of crisps & a lucky break involving a piece of evidence all of which surely must have come up during the trial.

Overall this is a totally pointless film which neither thrills when it should or pulls at the heartstrings at the right moments. An unfortunate choice not only for the legendary Clint Eastwood but James Woods who has done far better than this mess of a movie.

Viva Knievel! (1977)

Viva Knievel Indeed!!

[30 April 2002]

Evel Knievel, the greatest thing on two wheels (despite the fact that he had immense trouble with actually landing!) is on the attack! Truth, justice & the American way are under threat from some nefarious drug dealers out to use Evels fame as a way to smuggle drugs into the U S of A & then into the innocent hands of the nations youth no doubt!

From the opening bars of the theme tune to the closing credits this is non-stop-two-wheeled-high-octane-death-defying-cinema! You will witness the sheer power of Evel as his mere presence causes crippled children to walk - "You're the reason I'm walking, Evel! YOU'RE THE REASON!" Feel the love as he woos a captivating female reporter, what a dame! See the horror as his best friend is turned into a drug crazed dope-fiend by the bad guys, then rejoice as he is saved & reunited with his estranged son by the one & only Knievel!

In the grand, suspense filled rubber burning finale let out a mighty Huzzah as Evel foils the bad guys & saves the day for all the innocent children of the free world! Viva Knievel indeed!!

Joy Ride (2001)

We're On A Road To Nowhere

[29 April 2002]

A college girl, her best friend & his rebellious brother are hunted across the highways by a mad trucker after a practical joke with a CB goes wrong.

Inspired by such classic road movie thrillers as Duel & The Hitcher John Dahl gives us another warning about long distance driving in the states with Roadkill (UK title). Visually this film is great as has come to be expected from Mr Dahl. It looks very moody with good lighting (effective use of reds, blues & greens) & atmosphere, particulary when the pranksters are listening in on next doors activities, rain lashing down the camera pans into a painting of a storm swept boat on a midnight ocean. However the film itself whilst not terrible just doesn't live up to the direction.

Steve Zahn is excellent as always but the remaining protagonists are pretty one dimensional cardboard college kids & as such you don't really care what happens to them. There are a few good thrills to be had here - never before has the indicator on a CB been as atmospheric or foreboding - although it is a bit to long. Occasionally the pace falters when it should be pretty much non-stop once the game begins. There are of course the obvious stupid things done by the young cast akin to walking alone into the cellar in a slasher film, but unlike recent teen-horror movies this film is refreshingly free of knowing in-jokes concentrating mainly on the predicament of the hapless trio.

Overall this is an okay if instantly forgettable thriller, better than many of the recent teen-horror movies but that isn't really a huge complement. A bit disappointing for fans of John Dahl who has given us the excellent modern noir films such as Red Rock West & The Last Seduction. However it is good to see a movie which doesn't go down the tired route of heavy irony or end up with a man in a rubber suit chasing screaming teens.

The One (2001)

Double Trouble For Jet Li.

[24 April 2002]

Growing ever stronger by killing the alternate universe versions of himself an Evil Jet Li finds the last victim a tough cookie!

The Matrix was for many western audiences their first glimpse of 'wire work kung-fu'. It was only a matter of time before this technique was used as the basis for a whole movie & The One is that movie. Growing ever stronger with each kill the Evil-Jet Li displays more skills in a bullet-time style.

Like many of the eastern actors Jet Li has yet to display his full talents in an American movie but The One should at least lead on to better things. How many western action movie actors could play the lead in a foreign film? None. Although the role doesn't stretch him Jet Li is a charismatic actor & there is a marked difference between the good & evil versions he portrays.

The One is not what you'd call a great film & enjoyment hinges on your love of Kung Fu. Then again if you are aware of such films as the Once Upon A Time In China series you may be a bit disappointed. The plot is pretty non-existent & the acting OK. But a film like this hits all the right targets. With its nu-metal soundtrack blasting out at every given opportunity it will be loved by 14 year old boys looking for no nonsense entertainment. Indeed it feels like a movie based on a computer game.

The action is pretty good if a little over-reliant on CGI. A scene involving two police motorbikes used as handheld weapons & the inevitable good v evil Jet Li final fight stand out. Many other action scenes punctuate its short running time, there is no flab or excess dialogue here! It also ends with a great scene which makes you think you've watched a bigger, better movie than you have.

Overall this is nowhere near as good as many of the films Jet Li has made with the likes of Tsui Hark. At less than 90 minutes this is worth seeing during a cheap afternoon performance or catching on video. It is rubbish, but entertaining rubbish nonetheless.

The Count of Monte Cristo (2002)

Have At You! Thou Treacherous Cad!

[24 April 2002]

In the early 1800s a French sailor makes a daring escape from wrongful imprisonment to exact a deadly revenge upon his enemies with the help of a lost fortune.

Dumas' novel has inspired many film & television versions & here is another cinematic adaptation, courtesy of Kevin Reynolds. Thankfully he is not accompanied by Kevin Costner as it is James Caviezel who takes the role of the hero Dantes with Guy Pearce as the villainous Fernand. As always with literary adaptations fans of the novel may find some changes here but the film remains an attempt to capture the swashbuckling feel of such earlier adaptations of The Man In The Iron Mask & The Three Musketeers also by Alexandre Dumas.

It goes without saying that Richard Harris is excellent as the incarcerated mentor to the would be Count & the rest of the cast are also good. James Caviezel handles the transformation of Dantes well from innocence to despair, revenge & finally redemption. Guy Pearce chews the scenery with relish & Freddie Jones is also very good in his supporting role. Luis Guzman, one of the best actors of recent times seems a little out of place as the comic relief in this 19th century tale & Dagmara Dominczyk the leading lady is OK in the undemanding role of the love interest.

Some of the best sequences are those in the prison, Chateau D' If. From despair to the hint of hope brought about by Richard Harris' character we get a true feeling of the change in Dantes. His tutuorship is reminiscent of the mentor/student relationship between Anthony Hopkins & Antonio Banderas in the superior swashbuckler The Mask Of Zorro. This is where the film really succeeds, if Dantes' incarceration was not handled right then the rest of the film would have fallen apart.

Although entertaining this film is not as captivating as it should be. The scene in which the Count arrives before his stunned guests hints at the lavishness this film lacks. You don't really get a true sense of the opulent world Dantes now inhabits as a contrast to his years behind bars. Also maybe more should have been made of the adventures between his escape & the beginnings of his revenge. There are some well done if all to brief swordfights & the direction is good if nothing remarkable not helped by the score which is pretty forgettable, not rousing enough for a film of this nature.

Overall this is an entertaining if slightly flat tale of revenge with good performance from the leads but not the rip-roaring historical romp it could have been.

The Omega Man (1971)

Heston Tries Not To Keep It In The Family.

[24 April 2002]

A vampiric cult called The Family the result of biological warfare, lay siege to the refuge of the last man left alive in a dead post-apocalyptic city.

This is the second cinematic outing for the Richard Matheson novel I Am Legend with Charlton Heston as Robert Neville immune to the plague & fighting for survival. This is an entertaining film if not on a par with some of Hestons other sci-fi movies such as Planet Of The Apes & Soylent Green. Again he gives us an isolated, cynical man who never sets out to be a hero but becomes one.

How would you cope as the only man alive? The superior opening act of this movie answers that with the protagonist wandering through a dead city. Constantly reminded of the past with every step along every street & talking to himself, trying to retain his sanity. Indeed one of the best scenes of the whole movie is here when he watches Woodstock in an empty cinema, reciting the dialogue. Just how many times has he done this? Then the film goes down familiar action movie routes with The Family a bizarre religious anti-technology cult & Nevilles attempts to combat their attacks.

The Omega Man doesn't have as much depth amongst the action as Planet Of The Apes but has a great & tangible sense of isolation. The Family may not be the most threatening bad guys ever (one of the films flaws) but look good in their cowls & capes, a religious theme which is played out in the wonderful final image at the films climax which offers hope for the future.

Overall this film is enjoyable with its slightly comic book sensibilities, good score & strong religious overtones. A good slice of 70s sci-fi fun!

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

Not As Good As The Classic Trilogy But An Entertaining Prologue To The Skywalker Saga.

[19 April 2002]

Two Jedi Knights are sent to bring a peaceful resolution to a galactic trade dispute but it is the beginning of an epic conflict which will bring together a Jedi master & a young slave boy with unusual talents named Anakin Skywalker.

This film is of course the much anticipated & much maligned first chapter in the Star Wars Saga. After a 16 year wait could anything live up to the hype & anticipation of millions of fans? No. If this film had been released only a couple of years after Return Of The Jedi then maybe it would not have got as much of a negative reaction from hardcore fans. Yes the pace seems wrong for the first 20 minutes or so but after that it settles down considerably. Then again all the films in the Saga have had opening action scenes before plot & characterization has been developed so it is in keeping with the Star Wars style.

This film is an entertaining first chapter & the acting is consistent from most if not all involved despite George Lucas' trademark flat dialogue. Who better than Liam Neeson to play the maverick Jedi Knight Qui Gon-Jin? Even Ewan McGregor who can sometimes be found wanting when having to forgo his native accent is good, bringing a youthful vigor to the apprentice Kenobi.

As mentioned The Phantom Menace has some pretty wooden dialogue & some acting to match but this is familiar to any Star Wars afficionado. What is good about this film is that it is a seemingly small event which is the catalyst for the galactic tyranny to come. This film is concerned with unseen manipulation of events & as such the title is perfect, with prior knowledge of what is to come it is enjoyable for the audience, helped by Ian McDairmid who is superb as Senator Palpatine who may not be all that he seems.

Now we come to Jar Jar Binks, a marvel of CGI technology or an embarrassing comedy character? Not quite as annoying as many claim it is the frequency of his appearances rather than his comic nature that is the problem but he doesn't ruin the film. After all the Star Wars movies are kids films, entertaining to a wider audience but aimed at a young market & there is nothing wrong with that.

The Star Wars movies are born out of a love of the old Saturday morning serials such as Flash Gordon & Buck Rogers & The Phantom Menace seems to have the most in common with these entertaining tales of yesteryear. But here are special effects which no one could have dreamt of in the thirties. From breathtaking cities to fully realized alien characters the full pallette of CGI has been used well here as a tool to tell a tale in a way unimaginable even a decade or so before it was made. There are many brilliant set pieces in this film such as the Pod Race but the stand-out has to be the final lightsaber battle which will be remembered as one of the best action-scenes in any Star Wars film to date. This is what fans have wanted to see ever since the prequels were first hinted at. Full on Jedi knights in their prime. Lucas doesn't fail the audience here, although the climactic space battle is not on a par with that in Return Of The Jedi. However, another gem from George is the excellent foreshadowing of future events with many craft, costumes & characters bearing similar designs to their more familiar counterparts in the classic trilogy.

Overall The Phantom Menace is a great if slightly flawed summer blockbuster & whilst it doesn't quite capture the magic of the trilogy fans know & love it is Star Wars & sets in motion the events which will change one mans destiny & the fate of a galaxy!

The Four of the Apocalypse... (1975)

A Little Bit Of Gore & Not Much More.

[19 April 2002]

A Card shark, a mad slave, the town drunk & a pregnant prostitute escape a town massacre only to find themselves at the mercy of sadistic bandit Chaco.

Directed by Lucio Fulci a familiar name to fans of Italian horror movies this is a Spaghetti Western made at the tail end of the genres lifespan & it shows. The premise is intriguing & on paper the characters are interesting, particularly the transformation of the central protagonist gambler Stubby Preston, but in execution it is not so good.

Most of the acting is as flat as the direction which slows the pace right down as do the bizarre kitsch musical interludes. There is nothing wrong with a slow pace but this film almost comes to a stop. The highlights are few & far between with the excellent Tomas Milian woefully underused as is the great American character actor Michael J Pollard & the remaining cast are left with little to work with. Of the highlights are the notorious torture scenes which have a strong sadistic streak much like the excellent Django & the results of where the protagonists food came from in a rainsoaked ghost town.

Unfortunately this film appears to have been made by a director who is not familiar with Westerns. Sometimes this can be good breathing fresh live into a stale genre but here it just emphasizes the inadequacies of the film. As mentioned the Spaghetti Western was on its way out in the seventies, its short but excellent international heyday being the mid to late sixties. Four Of The Apocalypse highlights the way in which a lack of imagination was compensated for by just making the films more violent. This is a shame, the film could have been great if more attention was placed upon the script & acting.

In closing Four Of The Apocalypse has an interesting movie hidden somewhere in the script if only one of the masters of the genre such as Leone or Corbucci had been given the material to work their magic on.

George Lucas in Love (1999)

A Long Time Ago, In A College Campus Far Far Away. . .

[14 February 2002]

The origin of Star Wars can finally be revealed in George Lucas In Love a brilliant short-film which gives the true story behind the writing of the classic movie.

This is another well-known spoof of Star Wars & is a brilliant comedy about how it all began. Taking his inspiration from his colleagues, teachers & a woman with a familiar hairstyle a young film student by the name of George Lucas endeavours to write a sci-fi screenplay.

Although short in length this film isn't short in laughs as there are numerous jokes about the films we know so well. Many of these are visual gags but some incidents also mirror events in A New Hope. This film never fails to hit the mark taking inspiration from not only Star Wars but the Oscar winning Shakespeare In Love.

Like Troops this feature defies its low-budget constraints to give a very professional feel. The acting is good especially from Martin Hynes & the film even imitates the style of Star Wars with similar wipes & cuts. Every Star Wars fan should beg, borrow or steal a copy of this film as you can't afford to miss it!

Troops (1997)

Its Tough Being A Trooper On Tatooine.

[14 February 2002]

Its not easy patrolling hostile Tatooine territory & laying done the law but someones got to do it! This fly on the wall documentary follows a group of Stormtroopers on patrol & their encounters with scum & villainy. Welcome to Troops!

This is probably the most well known of all the many Star Wars 'fan-films' & deservedly so as it is a highly entertaining spoof of Cops & the innumerable reality police shows clogging up our telly schedules. These guys are just ordinary Joes doing their job, & what a job! Jawas dealing in stolen droids, domestic disputes between moisture farmers & their wives are all in a days work for these hard working representatives of the Empire.

Unlike some fan-films this has a real high-budget feel to it helped by the authentic costumes, decent acting, locations & familiar fly-on-the-wall filming technique. Of course, this is a must for Star Wars fans with revelations about certain events in A New Hope. However, those not familiar with the films may still find this an enjoyable mickey-take of real life cop shows.

Complaints? It isn't long enough! After ten all to quick minutes your going to be hungry for more real-life adventures of those misunderstood & underappreciated galactic law-enforcers the Troops!

Black Hawk Down (2001)

Great Scott!

[13 February 2002]

After the serial killer panto shambles that was Hannibal Ridley Scott returns to form with Black Hawk Down, a visually spectacular if morally redundant 'account' of a botched mission into war torn Somalia. There is a small attempt to put the mission into some kind of political context with an extended prologue but this is really just an old-fashioned action war movie & should be treated as such. Indeed for all Ridleys protestations that he has made an anti-war film this is a movie about big guns, explosions & "never leave a man behind!" Not so much a series of set-pieces more one elongated action scene which doesn't quit.

Despite its avoidance of politics what this film does convey is the sheer intensity & relentlessness of battle much like the opening of Saving Private Ryan. Unlike Spielbergs movie however we don't really care for the individuals under fire here & this is the films major flaw. But this film was never going to be about character development. Scott brings all his talents as a visual director to the conflict the soldiers find themselves in here with helicopters crashing, bullets flying & buildings exploding all around you. Unfortunately the score is strictly by the numbers.

As for the acting? Well we have passable performances from the majority with only the two Ewans standing out, Bremner for the right reasons & McGregor for his awful performance. The rest of the cast suffer amongst all the action & you really can't tell who is who.

Overall this film is a bit of a guilty pleasure, turning a very recent & dubious military manouevre into an action movie. Then again its a bit naive to expect Hollywood blockbusters to explore the political background to any conflict.

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990)

A Film-Fan In Cinema Hell!

[12 February 2002]

Troma movies, you either love 'em or hate 'em but this is a new low in cinema & has got to be one of the most awful films ever made. A total lack of plot, pace, character, direction, anything. You have really got to admire how individuals with no discernable cinematic talents can somehow con people into letting them make a film. It doesn't even live up to its title, no nymphoid barbarians & no dinosaurs (but I did feel like I was in some kind of hell!).

This could have been a great B-movie in the tradition of the AIP films but even those movies had charm & talent whereas this is devoid of any merit. However, I feel that everyone should watch this. It must be inflicted on people as no mere review can fully express the sheer awfulness of this so-called movie!

But then again should they take anymore of our money! Ignore this & as an alternative maybe try Roger Cormans Teenage Caveman.

Last Orders (2001)

Share a pint & a tale or two with a quartet of British acting legends.

[31 January 2002]

Last Orders is an appropriate phrase regarding the British film industry but there are occasional blips on the radar such as this tragic yet heartwarming drama with a cast list that reads like a who's who of classic British acting from the last half century. What we have is an honest portrayal of friendship, the ups & the downs as three mates & a son travel to Margate with the ashes of butcher Jack Dodds. But this is more than a physical journey as throughout the day buried secrets, regrets & grievances emerge. These are all superbly told in flashbacks that throw new light onto this circle of friends, part of a dying breed, the working class that lived & fought through wartime & followed their fathers into the family trade.

All the actors here are of course superb with Helen Mirren outstanding as the grieving wife, in a very male-orientated tale. The younger cast playing the youthful, idealistic friends equip themselves well never falling into the trap of simply impersonating the elder thespians. Their present day counterparts Caine, Courtenay and Hemmings bring to the screen the same intensity & honesty of performance which must have inspired the likes of Hoskins & Winstone to act & they too give outstanding examples that British acting does not have to involve gangsters or cartoon bad guys in the latest Hollywood blockbuster. This film is the stuff of true sentiment rather than the artificial sentimentality so often present in Hollywood cinema & every father or son can watch & find some small reflection of their own regrets & joys, lovingly & honestly brought to the screen.

Monsters, Inc. (2001)

Coming Out Of The Closet

[30 January 2002]

Check that the closet is closed & hope that mummy has left your door open so you can see the landing light! Yes the monsters are back to scare you, but don't take it personally its just their job or so Pixar claim in their latest triumph Monsters Inc.

Rather than aim for the teen/adult market as Shrek did with its constant reliance on knowing in jokes Monsters Inc is a classic children's tale and the spirit of such tales appeals to all. Playing on every child's fear, not only are the monsters employed to frighten children - collecting screams as an energy source for their home of Monstropolis - but they are actually scared of kids and once a child escapes into their world the chaos begins!

As with the Toy Story movies at the core of this film is a great double act, here between co-workers Sulley (John Goodman) & Mike (Billy Crystal). Other great actors bring their vocal talents to the supporting cast such as Steve Buscemi & James Coburn although this film is more a two man show than previous Pixar releases. Goodman & Crystal make great leads, Goodman the more laid back thoughtful beast with Crystal his hyperactive, excitable sidekick, a perfect marriage between actor and character. It goes without saying that the world of Monsters Inc looks breathtaking, a fully believable world with monsters of all shapes & sizes everywhere, indeed like all of Pixars movies repeated viewing is a must so rich in background detail is the film.

Unlike the failure that was Final Fantasy this film not only delivers the goods visually but also story wise. Another trademark of Pixar is that the plot is the most important thing, the animation complementing & being used for the good of that. This is no more apparent than in Monsters Inc, which despite not being quite as laugh out loud funny as the Toy Story films has an unparalleled richness of character & plot. There are too many highlights, the Child Detection Agency, the cameo appearance of the Yeti - voiced by the excellent Pixar regular John Ratzenberg. But the climatic door-to-door chase scene stands out, rivalling anything that live action cinema let alone animation offers us for thrills. All in all not only an excellent animated movie, but an excellent movie full stop and a great cinematic start to 2002.