I watched this carnival of misery with a chick who needed to see it for university credit. Horribly boring, predictable communist tripe. In the theatre where we watched it after it was over there was applause and hooting and calls for revolution and diatribes about the evils of capitalism and western civilization. Mind you all of these armchair revolutionaries are from upper middle class families and enjoy a very comfortable lifestyle derived from the capitalist system, and despite their rants, I doubt any of them will be donating any funds to the marginalized. Nor will they abandon Western Civilization's running water, antibiotics or airplanes. The elephant in the room is the fact that if these hatemongers were able to promulgate their views, we'd enjoy life the way Pol Pot intended. Of course today's upper class cosplay communists would love to rule the world while sacrificing working people to the Machine. Typical Marxist nonsense: All slogans, no charitable contributions. Hypocritical dreck posturing as righteous outrage. Spare me the indignation. Utter garbage. I'm glad hardly anyone has seen it and there are no other reviews.
Reviews
54 Reviews
Argylle
(2024)
Too Stupid to Hate
13 April 2024
My old granny used to say if you don't have anything positive to contribute to the conversation, keep your filthy mouth hole shut. I never agreed with that point of view though, because first of all, I'm a saint and I must always tell the truth, and friends, I owe it to you to you to help you avoid wasting your time, and if that means ignoring that old moron's advice then I'm gonna be true to my values and to my commitment to you. I don't care what she made me promise in that bathroom ritual when I was 7 with the statues of the saints and writing on the wall with our blood. She was a stupid old fool and she belonged in that wheelchair, down in her stinking bed sitter flat eating her cat food to save money for her own funeral. I digress.
This is just putrid sewage. Every scene was like bad improv. The acting was quasi-farce. It's like the film version of the Winchester House with doors and stairs that lead to nowhere. Bryce Dallas Howard is talented but she's completely out of place here.
I won't leave spoilers but there are tons of tropes here that are so worn they are threadbare. If this were the first film I ever saw any of these actors in, I wouldn't watch anything that they were in ever again.
Like others have said, let in run in the background while you do your taxes or pull out your own fingernails. I promise you'll enjoy it more.
I made it half way through and then dealt it the off.
This is just putrid sewage. Every scene was like bad improv. The acting was quasi-farce. It's like the film version of the Winchester House with doors and stairs that lead to nowhere. Bryce Dallas Howard is talented but she's completely out of place here.
I won't leave spoilers but there are tons of tropes here that are so worn they are threadbare. If this were the first film I ever saw any of these actors in, I wouldn't watch anything that they were in ever again.
Like others have said, let in run in the background while you do your taxes or pull out your own fingernails. I promise you'll enjoy it more.
I made it half way through and then dealt it the off.
Bad Boys
(1995)
BALD Script Seemed Slapped Together
30 March 2024
Martin Lawrence delivers a fine performance as always, and his character has depth and nuance not usually seen in this genre. Lawrence is equally compelling when playing dramatic roles as well as comedic parts.
Willie Smith however always appears as though he's adrift at sea and may veer off and hit a Rock at any moment. Ultimately, there was no fresh and no prince... just a bored, confused and awkward character so unsure of himself that watching his performance I had the impression someone else was pulling his strings, as though he stumbled through every scene like a witless automaton. If ever anyone were a river for his people, whatever that means, he's not Smith.
All in all it's a useless movie without feet. Forget this one, fellas, watch it too long and your hair might out.
I give it Two Cleveland Steamers on the CalebCaleb rating scale.
Willie Smith however always appears as though he's adrift at sea and may veer off and hit a Rock at any moment. Ultimately, there was no fresh and no prince... just a bored, confused and awkward character so unsure of himself that watching his performance I had the impression someone else was pulling his strings, as though he stumbled through every scene like a witless automaton. If ever anyone were a river for his people, whatever that means, he's not Smith.
All in all it's a useless movie without feet. Forget this one, fellas, watch it too long and your hair might out.
I give it Two Cleveland Steamers on the CalebCaleb rating scale.
This Is Me... Now
(2024)
Cheese and Chalk
1 March 2024
Jennifer Lopez just grunted out this putrid vanity project and it is jaw-dropping. It's ironic how tone deaf one has to be to spend 20 million dollars on a self aggrandizing project that is so ridiculous on its face. One can't help but wonder, how many mosquito nets could she have bought with the money wasted on this garbage? She's obviously so impressed with herself and such a narcissist that she is completely unaware of how cringe inducing this so-called film is. She can't sing, she can't act and she's boring. Just another witless Hollywood robot made of cheese and chalk, like she walked out of a wax museum... nice to look at but absolutely zero substance or class. This is next level cringe. An awful, awful train wreck.
The Dirty South
(2023)
Every Character Was A Smoodge Rag
19 February 2024
Warning: Spoilers
This film deserves zero stars. Literally every character was a POS. The main characters, Sue and her boyfriend Dion are bottom of the barrel, small time, inept criminals, stealing from people and murdering them. Amazingly, the filmmakers try to sell them to us as heroes. As the story moves forward, we're shown the hopes and dreams of these theiving murderers, which is intended to make them sympathetic characters. F U to the milk face idiots who thought we'd be cool with two scumbag losers murdering and stealing and having the film treat these acts as though they're justified and praise worthy. Speaking as someone who has associated with small time low life criminals on a professional basis, I find it disgusting. Only filmmakers raised in a privileged, protected bubble are silly enough to try and justify stealing from and murdering innocent people as righteous acts of downtrodden proletarians. They even get a happy ending. I'd give them a happy ending alright. If I could choose the ending, I'd give them cancer, then have someone curb stomp them and drop a deuce in their mouth. This film is total effing garbage. GTFOOH with this BS.
An Amish Murder
(2013 TV Movie)
If you're reading this review, it means I'm not writing it anymore
19 January 2024
Warning: Spoilers
Back in the days before I got reformed I used to have some partners that were Amish. Not being from the US originally, I always pronounced it Ame-ish, rhyming with "flame-ish" and nobody ever corrected me, which is pretty funny. I respected those fellas though, because even though they are known for being religious, they got some very competent criminals. But this review is about the movie. I was disappointed they didn't focus more on the Amish criminal underground instead of wasting time on random murders that nobody cares about.
I didn't enjoy this movie much and I don't expect you will either. I got up a few times to make a some sandwiches to eat and to listen to some music and dance, but I didn't dislike the movie enough to turn it off, and eventually I came back to see the end, which I didn't enjoy except for the fire. It would have been nice to see the killer get burned to death, but the filmmaker robbed me of that pleasure and I need to check and see who he is so I don't watch anything else he's involved with.
Naaa. I say give this one a hard pass, but my advice will probably go unnoticed since it's unlikely you'll read this in the first place. So there's that.
I didn't enjoy this movie much and I don't expect you will either. I got up a few times to make a some sandwiches to eat and to listen to some music and dance, but I didn't dislike the movie enough to turn it off, and eventually I came back to see the end, which I didn't enjoy except for the fire. It would have been nice to see the killer get burned to death, but the filmmaker robbed me of that pleasure and I need to check and see who he is so I don't watch anything else he's involved with.
Naaa. I say give this one a hard pass, but my advice will probably go unnoticed since it's unlikely you'll read this in the first place. So there's that.
Once Upon a Time in America
(1984)
Painfully Boring Epic Fail
22 December 2023
The ten minutes of a ringing phone at the beginning was probably meant to warn me that if I continued to watch I'd be in for Four hours of this pretentious dreck. So much stupidity is simply uncalled for and this film is yet another example of Leonel's ridiculous self indulgence. I made it to about the 20 minute mark but it seemed like 20 hours. I feel like I'm owed some sort of award for being able to withstand the torture. Please don't say it's because I'm prejudiced against Italian directors. Some of my best friends are Italian after all.
If I had watched a couple minutes more I would have had to kick the television off its stand, and my mom doesn't deserve that. Watch this movie if you will, but you'll rue the day.
If I had watched a couple minutes more I would have had to kick the television off its stand, and my mom doesn't deserve that. Watch this movie if you will, but you'll rue the day.
Christmas in Scotland
(2023 TV Movie)
I'd Rather Drink from A Sewer
16 December 2023
The acting is terrible and amateurish. So awful you want to vomit. Pathetic and Disgusting and Putrid trash.
The music gave me ear cancer.
The writing is so stupid it could have been done by an eight year old.
The sound is really distracting as every word was recorded in post production so that scenes where people are farther away from the camera sound like they're the same distance away as people close to the camera. This might seem nitpicky, but it's off putting and makes the production seem really low budget.
This so-called film approaches the subject matter in a way that might appeal to people who have no idea what kind of authority might or might not be wielded by a Scottish "laird," and the characters are a bunch of halfwits that should be locked up somewhere where they can't hurt themselves.
The typical "Magical American" movie, where the moron from New York comes to the rescue of the ignorant-people-who-live-across-the-ocean-where-they-speak-English-with-foreign accents. IN THIS VERSION, THE AMERICAN GIRL TEACHES THE LOCAL VILLAGERS ABOUT THEIR HISTORY!!! Yes, you read that correctly.
I've scraped more interesting gretch off the bottom of my shoe in a filthy roadside latrine.
I absolutely hated this movie and only watched it because my mom liked it. She's elderly and frail of mind as well as body, so I have to give her some latitude here.
The music gave me ear cancer.
The writing is so stupid it could have been done by an eight year old.
The sound is really distracting as every word was recorded in post production so that scenes where people are farther away from the camera sound like they're the same distance away as people close to the camera. This might seem nitpicky, but it's off putting and makes the production seem really low budget.
This so-called film approaches the subject matter in a way that might appeal to people who have no idea what kind of authority might or might not be wielded by a Scottish "laird," and the characters are a bunch of halfwits that should be locked up somewhere where they can't hurt themselves.
The typical "Magical American" movie, where the moron from New York comes to the rescue of the ignorant-people-who-live-across-the-ocean-where-they-speak-English-with-foreign accents. IN THIS VERSION, THE AMERICAN GIRL TEACHES THE LOCAL VILLAGERS ABOUT THEIR HISTORY!!! Yes, you read that correctly.
I've scraped more interesting gretch off the bottom of my shoe in a filthy roadside latrine.
I absolutely hated this movie and only watched it because my mom liked it. She's elderly and frail of mind as well as body, so I have to give her some latitude here.
Walk the Line
(2005)
I will walk all the lines
5 December 2023
Auditory detection indicates an approaching locomotive,
Its trajectory is curvilinear in proximity.
Photonic radiation of a solar nature has been absent from my visual experience, Commencing at a temporal point uncertain in my memory.
I am currently confined within the correctional facility of Folsom, Where chronological progression seems to decelerate.
Yet, aforementioned locomotive persists in its linear momentum, Traversing towards the geographical location of San Antonio, in the state of Texas.
In the very early stages of my lifespan, my maternal figure imparted guidance thus: "Male offspring who came forth from my own uterus, adhere to commendable conduct at all times, Do not at any time interact in a lighthearted manner with ballistic weaponry," Yet, in an act deviating from this counsel, In the municipality of Reno, I intentionally discharged a projectile into a person who identified as a male human for the sole purpose of observing the end of his mortal life.
Upon auditory reception of the locomotive's signal, Despondency is manifested, leading to a downward inclination of the cranium.
Photonic radiation of a solar nature has been absent from my visual experience, Commencing at a temporal point uncertain in my memory.
I am currently confined within the correctional facility of Folsom, Where chronological progression seems to decelerate.
Yet, aforementioned locomotive persists in its linear momentum, Traversing towards the geographical location of San Antonio, in the state of Texas.
In the very early stages of my lifespan, my maternal figure imparted guidance thus: "Male offspring who came forth from my own uterus, adhere to commendable conduct at all times, Do not at any time interact in a lighthearted manner with ballistic weaponry," Yet, in an act deviating from this counsel, In the municipality of Reno, I intentionally discharged a projectile into a person who identified as a male human for the sole purpose of observing the end of his mortal life.
Upon auditory reception of the locomotive's signal, Despondency is manifested, leading to a downward inclination of the cranium.
Glen Campbell: Wichita Lineman
(1968 Music Video)
Today, we are all line man for county
3 December 2023
I am the county's electrical infrastructure technician,
And I travel exclusively via the primary thoroughfare.
Engaged in the process of detection, under solar illumination, for an additional electrical overburden.
Auditory perceptions of your melodic oscillations are transmitted via the conductive medium.
Your vocal frequencies are discernible amidst the harmonic distortions.
Meanwhile, the individual responsible for maintaining the Wichita area's electrical grid remains actively engaged in his duties.
I am aware that a brief pause of professional obligations would be advantageous, However, the probability of rain appears minimal.
Additionally, should crystalline precipitation occur in the southern sector, the increased mechanical stress would certainly cause widespread system failure.
Engaged in the process of detection, under solar illumination, for an additional electrical overburden.
Auditory perceptions of your melodic oscillations are transmitted via the conductive medium.
Your vocal frequencies are discernible amidst the harmonic distortions.
Meanwhile, the individual responsible for maintaining the Wichita area's electrical grid remains actively engaged in his duties.
I am aware that a brief pause of professional obligations would be advantageous, However, the probability of rain appears minimal.
Additionally, should crystalline precipitation occur in the southern sector, the increased mechanical stress would certainly cause widespread system failure.
All Roads Lead to Rome
(2015)
SJP Ruins Rome
6 November 2023
To those who made this tripe, we pass gas in your general direction. Thanks for ruining Rome and confirming that SJP is one of the most annoying actresses ever to darken a stage. Motivation of various characters were nonsensical and characters were impossible to like or root for. I found myself wanting SJP's character and her onscreen daughter to be arrested and sent to one of those people broker parties where they would be sold to an Albanian traveling carnival.
Horridly disgusting and unwatchable. Had I hopped up on my dear old ma's kitchen sink, as one does, squatted down and evacuated a pile of buttsludge out of my back door sausage machine after my morning coffee, it would have stank less than this
If you watch this, I'll be disappointed in your ability to make responsible choices.
Horridly disgusting and unwatchable. Had I hopped up on my dear old ma's kitchen sink, as one does, squatted down and evacuated a pile of buttsludge out of my back door sausage machine after my morning coffee, it would have stank less than this
If you watch this, I'll be disappointed in your ability to make responsible choices.
Mafia Mamma
(2023)
My Dog Just Grunted Out...
31 October 2023
... a squishy brown steamer that was more entertaining than this piece of nonsense garbage. In fact, given a choice between watching a movie that features 2 hours of scene after scene of a dog trotting around Central Park dropping a deuce every few minutes (both with and without corn) or watching this film all the way to the end, I'll take the dogterd please, on rye. The script makes no sense, the acting is amateurish, and the story is ridiculously contrived. Even my elderly mother, who, despite being quite dimwitted, understood that the story was nonsense. When your script insults my mother's intelligence, it means your writers are probably people that live in some kind of group home where they have a terlet attendant who wipes them up, and where they can't have metal eating utensils.
Love Again
(I) (2023)
Cringecore
8 September 2023
I used the term cringecore with a full understanding that the term in and of itself is cringey, but that's how bad this film is.
Watched it with my mom and it was so bad even she was angry.
Sam Heughan does the best he can with what he had to work with. Aside from him, acting is amateur and the writing has you constantly saying WTF? WHY??? None of the characters behave in a way that allows you to suspend disbelief, and most of the time you wish you were seeing the show live at a theater so you could throw rotten tomatoes at the performers.
Priyanka Chopra is utterly ridiculous: her character disgusted me in every scene. The only person worse was Céline Dion, who constantly berates Sam's character. Celine's appearance in the film would in and of itself be sufficient reason to hate it, but her blathering, along with the horrible music, and bad, bad acting, this just adds up to a putrid, insipid, piece of garbage.
Stay away at all costs.
Watched it with my mom and it was so bad even she was angry.
Sam Heughan does the best he can with what he had to work with. Aside from him, acting is amateur and the writing has you constantly saying WTF? WHY??? None of the characters behave in a way that allows you to suspend disbelief, and most of the time you wish you were seeing the show live at a theater so you could throw rotten tomatoes at the performers.
Priyanka Chopra is utterly ridiculous: her character disgusted me in every scene. The only person worse was Céline Dion, who constantly berates Sam's character. Celine's appearance in the film would in and of itself be sufficient reason to hate it, but her blathering, along with the horrible music, and bad, bad acting, this just adds up to a putrid, insipid, piece of garbage.
Stay away at all costs.
Get with the program or GO IN THE GROUND!
19 August 2023
Warning: Spoilers
In this episode we have a family that moves to a nice, beautiful community where the local cultural enforcement authorities ensure everyone has an optimal experience. One member of the family, Jenna, wants no part of the new, beautiful life and she is determined to get back to her previous life where she disrespected her parents, hung out with a sketch crowd, got all tatted up, while pursuing the fine occupation of meth addict and a street hoor.
***Spoilers Ahead***
Understand, folks, that the show runners present Jenna as the tragic protagonist heroine, righteously rebelling against the white bread, safe, suburban environment. No surprise here, given the zeitgeist where such environments are deemed not just boring or uncool, but actually evil.
So when the surprise ending reveals that Jenna has been taken away and turned into fertilizer for the community's evergreen trees, I believe we're supposed to see that as a reminder that if we venture too far into suburbia, we are doomed.
I saw it differently though. Evergreen is a lovely community and we cannot allow our community experience to be degraded by anarchists. It's reassuring that in the end even those who would diminish the community end up contributing... even it's by becoming fertilizer.
***Spoilers Ahead***
Understand, folks, that the show runners present Jenna as the tragic protagonist heroine, righteously rebelling against the white bread, safe, suburban environment. No surprise here, given the zeitgeist where such environments are deemed not just boring or uncool, but actually evil.
So when the surprise ending reveals that Jenna has been taken away and turned into fertilizer for the community's evergreen trees, I believe we're supposed to see that as a reminder that if we venture too far into suburbia, we are doomed.
I saw it differently though. Evergreen is a lovely community and we cannot allow our community experience to be degraded by anarchists. It's reassuring that in the end even those who would diminish the community end up contributing... even it's by becoming fertilizer.
Baby Boom
(1987)
Jacked up teefs
19 July 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Way back when this movie was made, apparently toothbrushes and dentists hadn't been invented yet. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but Sam Shepard's teeth are like bowling pins in mid strike. They're pointing in every direction. From our vantage point a hundred years on, we have more choices to keep our teeth from looking like yellow fence posts. The main character, played by a really annoying actress whose name I think is Drain Kurtin, looks like she brushes her teeth with charcoal and nicotine. Maybe that was the fashion in the post Civil War movies. If any of these people were alive today they'd be rolling in their graves.
We won't even go into how utterly stupid the main character is, turning down millions of dollars for no reason, or how she is able to make millions of dollars from applesauce. How is hers so different from all the others? Why does she act like a complete idiot throughout the movie?
If you like stupid, ugly people acting like halfwits, then be my guest, go watch it and I hope you hate it and kick in your tv just like I did. Sure, now I'll have to buy my mom a new tv but that's the way it goes. Because that's how we do it up at the Fifth.
We won't even go into how utterly stupid the main character is, turning down millions of dollars for no reason, or how she is able to make millions of dollars from applesauce. How is hers so different from all the others? Why does she act like a complete idiot throughout the movie?
If you like stupid, ugly people acting like halfwits, then be my guest, go watch it and I hope you hate it and kick in your tv just like I did. Sure, now I'll have to buy my mom a new tv but that's the way it goes. Because that's how we do it up at the Fifth.
A Secret Promise
(2011)
They should have used actual actors
6 July 2023
It's like it's a cast of halfwits portraying characters who are idiots. It's truly some of the worst acting I've ever seen. Nothing in this film made any sense. Horrible writing, acting, editing and there is no coherent story. It's not so much a story as it is a montage of seemingly unconnected scenes, uttering lines that were written in Italian, translated into French and then into English. And did the filmmaker just pull random people off the street and tell them to say the lines? Or maybe it's non actors doing improv for the first time? The odd thing is, all in all I didn't hate it. I was more baffled by it than offended.
I say go ahead and watch it and try to make sense of it. I double dog dare you.
I say go ahead and watch it and try to make sense of it. I double dog dare you.
The Captain
(2017)
Hogan's Heroes on Acid
26 June 2023
This film has everything. You got your psychopath Nazis, gun fights, bar fights, knife fights, shooting people in a ditch, Nazi drag queens beating up musicians, starving people, people getting stomped, all packaged up in a historical comedy murder drama. It's like the Cohen Brothers and Mel Brooks collaborated to make the perfect movie.
My only gripe was the actors speak in what I suspect is some kind of film school experimental language to make the movie more avant-garde. As with many foreign language situations, I couldn't understand a word of the dialogue, even when I turned up the volume to 11. Fortunately the action unfolds in such a manner that you don't need to understand gibberish to follow the plot.
Basically, a young soldier finds the uniform and the car of an Air Force Captain. Apparently the captain isn't using his car or uniform, and the young soldier puts on the uniform, drives away in the Captain's car and from that point forward passes himself off as a Captain and Adolph Hitler's personal representative.
As he goes from town to town, highjinks, murder and mayhem ensue as Captain Willi Harold exterminates prison camp inmates and terrorizes villagers, pretending all the while to be on a secret mission.
I hope they make a sequel and call it Captain Willi Two: Electric Booguloo.
My only gripe was the actors speak in what I suspect is some kind of film school experimental language to make the movie more avant-garde. As with many foreign language situations, I couldn't understand a word of the dialogue, even when I turned up the volume to 11. Fortunately the action unfolds in such a manner that you don't need to understand gibberish to follow the plot.
Basically, a young soldier finds the uniform and the car of an Air Force Captain. Apparently the captain isn't using his car or uniform, and the young soldier puts on the uniform, drives away in the Captain's car and from that point forward passes himself off as a Captain and Adolph Hitler's personal representative.
As he goes from town to town, highjinks, murder and mayhem ensue as Captain Willi Harold exterminates prison camp inmates and terrorizes villagers, pretending all the while to be on a secret mission.
I hope they make a sequel and call it Captain Willi Two: Electric Booguloo.
Northmen: A Viking Saga
(2014)
The Main character's name is Ass Born!
22 June 2023
First off, I didn't hate it and I didn't fall asleep too much, but there are so many problems with it that at no point was I ever to engage on a significant level.
This flick is full of continuity and logical errors that normally occur in lower budget movies, like Magically Multiplying Bad Guys, and horses being available in the middle of nowhere. The fighting is nice and brutal, which is nice, and you can tell that everyone involved in the mayhem really enjoys killing, so there's that. But overall it's repetitive and despite the characters being really violent and the leader being named Ass-born, I really didn't care about these guys at all, and when some of them get killed, I wasn't bothered at all.
This flick is full of continuity and logical errors that normally occur in lower budget movies, like Magically Multiplying Bad Guys, and horses being available in the middle of nowhere. The fighting is nice and brutal, which is nice, and you can tell that everyone involved in the mayhem really enjoys killing, so there's that. But overall it's repetitive and despite the characters being really violent and the leader being named Ass-born, I really didn't care about these guys at all, and when some of them get killed, I wasn't bothered at all.
Kate & Leopold
(2001)
That time when a duke married a crackhead
19 June 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Lots of reviewers have pointed out the many plot holes so I won't rehash all that, and honestly, for me they didn't detract from the film in any major way. What really detracted from the film was the fact that the female lead is played by a homeless meth person.
Hugh Jackman is arguably one of the most attractive leading men ever, and here he plays an actual British peer, a duke, in fact. Traveling to our time he promptly falls for the first haggard blonde woman he meets? It was so distracting that it hindered my ability to suspend disbelief. Her hair looks the same when she falls out of bed in the morning as when she goes out to dinner with her boss. She's a bum, and this comes close to ruining the movie.
Now, some people are commenting that Kate would never be so foolish to leave her career and civil rights behind and follow a man back to a time when, as many have said, "Women had no rights at all..." and other such nonsense. They're talking about common, low-born women. We must remember that the reining monarch in 1876 was Queen Victoria, who identified as a woman and whose pronouns were She/Her/Hers. This was a time when gender mattered not as much as one's station in life. Kate would be traveling back to that time and would be a Duchess, so not only would she have rights, she would have servants and 99% of the people she would meet would have to bow and curtesy and kowtow to her and if she was displeased, she could have them on the rack in a New York second. So of course Kate would be into it. She would love the power.
The real problem no one seems to notice is she has no money in 1876, and neither does the duke.
Hugh Jackman is arguably one of the most attractive leading men ever, and here he plays an actual British peer, a duke, in fact. Traveling to our time he promptly falls for the first haggard blonde woman he meets? It was so distracting that it hindered my ability to suspend disbelief. Her hair looks the same when she falls out of bed in the morning as when she goes out to dinner with her boss. She's a bum, and this comes close to ruining the movie.
Now, some people are commenting that Kate would never be so foolish to leave her career and civil rights behind and follow a man back to a time when, as many have said, "Women had no rights at all..." and other such nonsense. They're talking about common, low-born women. We must remember that the reining monarch in 1876 was Queen Victoria, who identified as a woman and whose pronouns were She/Her/Hers. This was a time when gender mattered not as much as one's station in life. Kate would be traveling back to that time and would be a Duchess, so not only would she have rights, she would have servants and 99% of the people she would meet would have to bow and curtesy and kowtow to her and if she was displeased, she could have them on the rack in a New York second. So of course Kate would be into it. She would love the power.
The real problem no one seems to notice is she has no money in 1876, and neither does the duke.
Air
(I) (2023)
New Low for Affleck
7 June 2023
How to describe the self-indulgence displayed by this dogschyte waste of film? First of all, we're supposed to believe that marketing basketball shoes is right up there in importance with curing polio and that Michael Jordan is such an icon that his likeness cannot be shown on film.
Normally I'm a big Matt Damon fan, but he's just awful in this awful vehicle.
Affleck's ego and sense of self-importance shines through in every moment.
Ultimately we are left with a a bore fest and asking ourselves the question, does anyone actually give a F? I guess the answer is yes, and they're the idgits that rated this film a 10.
This is one of those times when it's obvious Affleck and Damon don't have any friends around them from the neighborhood to tell them that they're full of $hitt.
Normally I'm a big Matt Damon fan, but he's just awful in this awful vehicle.
Affleck's ego and sense of self-importance shines through in every moment.
Ultimately we are left with a a bore fest and asking ourselves the question, does anyone actually give a F? I guess the answer is yes, and they're the idgits that rated this film a 10.
This is one of those times when it's obvious Affleck and Damon don't have any friends around them from the neighborhood to tell them that they're full of $hitt.
Gilda
(1946)
Ancient Times Nonsense
14 April 2023
Yeah, this film is like a long steamy one that you evacuate in the morning. I had to see some of this film when I was visiting my mother. She likes to watch lots of stupid movies, and usually I let her, but when Rita Haywire started dancing during that ridiculous "Blame it on Mame" number, I had to put my foot down. If I were in the audience back in the 19th century when this movie was made I would've thought Rita was trying to fight me, the way she came down into the crowd swinging her arms around wildly. I guess the old timers thought that was sexy, but to me it looked like she was mentally deficient and out of control. How did those people back then think that was sexy? Lusting over mental deficients is beyond creepy, it's predatory. Old times people had no taste, but they obviously also didn't have any shame. I tried to make my mother understand that but she wasn't having it and started screaming and crying about how it took her almost two full days to push me out of her womb and how I'm a drunken ungrateful lout, but you'll be proud to know I held my ground. I told her she's gonna have to watch that embarrassing excrement on her own time. I told her I'd rather smash off my own hand in a stamping machine down at the iron works than sit through that movie.
Don't watch it. I'll be very disappointed if you can't heed my advice. You watch it, you'll hate it and that's on you Buster because I told you so.
Don't watch it. I'll be very disappointed if you can't heed my advice. You watch it, you'll hate it and that's on you Buster because I told you so.
Ava Gardner: Life Is Bigger Than the Movies
(2017 TV Movie)
Ridiculous Garbage
14 April 2023
This so-called documentary seems like a couple of guys got stoned and tossed together random footage from 1940s films and then wrote a senseless script read by several different narrators speaking simultaneously. Had to turn it off after 20 minutes. One of the primary contributors interviewed throughout is a French woman whose name is shown on screen sometimes as Elizabeth Goulsen, and at other times as Elisabeth Goulsan and is credited as an author and also as Ava Gardner's cousin. A quick Google search for her various name spellings yields zero results, so I'm guessing she's the filmmaker's mom just spouting tripe she read on Wikipedia. There's another dude that is also French speaking authoritatively about various events in Gardner's life, and for me this was a huge red flag. The elephant in the room, so to speak. Are we really supposed to buy the idea that French people even know who Ava Gardner is? I'm not an idiot.
Bottom line, fellas, I'm gonna need you to take a pass on this one. A hard pass.
Bottom line, fellas, I'm gonna need you to take a pass on this one. A hard pass.
The Day After Tomorrow
(2004)
Weather isn't real
23 February 2023
Warning: Spoilers
Seems to be an effort propagandize the film-going audience by making everyone think we'll soon experience weather disasters that will wipe out humanity. It's not real. Tornadoes in Los Angels. Neither of which is real. It's a left wing dream. Even the sun isn't real, just like birds, unicorns and my birth mother. The acting was pretty bad but not as bad as the writing, which will make you through a screwdriver into the television. Now if you're watching at a friend's house like I was, expect that friend to be pretty pissed when you throw a screwdriver into his brand new 100 inch television. It's one of those things where you end up saying, sure, I've alienated all my friends, but what was I supposed to do, NOT throw a screwdriver at the tv.?I'd like to meet the person who has that kind of control. Anyway... I stomped that tv down to show my displeasure then promptly stood up and stomped a giant hole though her stupid coffee table. I didn't want to have a second date with her anyway.
Local Color
(2006)
Very Enjoyable
8 January 2023
It seems some of the low ratings for this film are a mix of people who disliked it because it was too slow, along with others who disliked it because... well, because somehow they feel art is only meaningful when it's abstract or shocking. Of the latter, some reviewers also deride the film as jingoistic, reactionary and right-wing. This line of thinking likely derives from our current political climate which is so polarized that one isn't permitted to enjoy representational art without being cast as fascist. This sort of prescriptive approach (prescribing what art must be) runs completely contrary to the very core of art. Art has to be experienced, and there's no right or wrong way to experience it. Indeed everyone will process the same work of art through a unique lens created through a series of life experiences.
It's worth mentioning that the film is based on the filmmaker's apprenticeship with Lithuanian-born painter George Cherepov. Cherepov immigrated to the US in the early 1950s, which would have been at the height of the Cold War - If you talk to anyone who immigrated to the US during the Cold War, it's extremely likely that the person is going to be pro-American. Those folks by definition harbor anti-communist and pro-Western feelings, so it's not surprising that the Seroff character espouses a pro-US agenda. This isn't a choice made by the filmmaker, it's the filmmaker illustrating the reality of his experiences with Cherepov in 1974.
I gave the film 8 stars because although the characterizations are a bit stereotypical, they're not unrealistic.
It's worth mentioning that the film is based on the filmmaker's apprenticeship with Lithuanian-born painter George Cherepov. Cherepov immigrated to the US in the early 1950s, which would have been at the height of the Cold War - If you talk to anyone who immigrated to the US during the Cold War, it's extremely likely that the person is going to be pro-American. Those folks by definition harbor anti-communist and pro-Western feelings, so it's not surprising that the Seroff character espouses a pro-US agenda. This isn't a choice made by the filmmaker, it's the filmmaker illustrating the reality of his experiences with Cherepov in 1974.
I gave the film 8 stars because although the characterizations are a bit stereotypical, they're not unrealistic.
Emancipation
(2022)
I disliked it more than I thought I would
24 December 2022
Emancipation is more of the self-righteous dreck Hollywood likes to trot out to make themselves feel good, but beyond that the film is guilty of the worst entertainment sin of all - it's boring. Shot in a colour gradient that made me feel like I had already gone to hell, this film is visually unappealing and not entertaining on any level. I couldn't get though more than about 45 minutes. B movie art film garbage. Smith's performance is formulaic and flat, once again phoning in his "I'm the most important person in the world" persona. Maybe the sequel will be better. I'm holding out for Emancipation 2 Electric Boogaloo, maybe Will Smith will rap his lines and get a little of the old fresh prince into the character.
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